Logan Saunders recaps the premiere episode of Survivor: Heroes v Healers v Hustlers. It was shorter than normal.
Survivor Heroes v Healers v Hustlers: I’m Not Crazy; I’m Just a Hero
Healers: Cole, Desi, Jessica, Joe, Mike, Roark
Hustlers: Ali, Devon, Lauren, Patrick, Ryan, Simone
Where is Ziggy? Petey? AK? Michelle? Oh. This is the American Survivor thrown in after three episodes in a row of Aussie Survivor.
PROBST: Eighteen strangers are about to go on an adventure that will forever change their lives.
I don’t think Ashlee Ashby’s life changed forever because of Survivor. What about Michelle Chase? I guess we’ll never know.
After a few exterior shots, people on a boat, and locals settling in, Probst greets the contestants.
PROBST: You are divided based on the positive traits from your life… This is how the *world sees you.
* Production. It’s either this or Brawns vs. Brain vs. Beauty 3. Heroes vs. Healers. vs. Hustlers vs. Halibut vs. Hitlers has a much better ring to it.
Ben is a hero. He was a marine. Chrissy thinks she belongs on the hero tribe too but wants to downplay how much money she makes.
Probst introduces the Healers tribe.
PROBST: Guy in the middle, what’s your name?
PROBST: Oh f–k, I thought your name was Jim. Thank god I asked for the sake of the audience’s benefit and pretended I was meeting you for the first time. That could have been embarrassing.
Cole reminds me of Matthew McConaughey. He takes out disadvantaged teens who struggle with addiction and teach them survival skills outdoors.
Probst moves on to Mike. Mike is a sex doctor and a urologist.
PROBST: So you receive a lot of gratitude from guys all the time?
MIKE: I am going to rise to the occasion and win!
I love how Mike’s first confessional unintentionally quotes a dick joke from the movie Grumpy Old Men.
Jeff is done with the Healers. Now he wants to talk to the Hustlers. He goes to Ali. She is a personal assistant to a YouTuber.
ALI: I sometimes fill in for her doing her makeup if she doesn’t have a makeup artist. I cook for her if she doesn’t have a cook. I let her stay at my house if she doesn’t have a place to live. I help her job hunting if she is left unemployed. I just fill in the gaps.
Probst asks Ali if a group being praised for her work ethic rings true to her. It does.
Ryan has a self-deprecating confessional then the buffs come out. I already made a joke about this in the Bloggers Roundtable (the one where he talks about not drinking and not having a girlfriend).
We have a reward challenge. Get supplies from the ship onto your boat. A blinking secret advantage is hidden. There is also a burning urn fifteen feet high for each tribe on the nearby beach.
Once the bell rings, an angel gets its wings and it is the cue for everyone to be overboard. They will hop into the boat then paddle to the beach. Once at the beach, they will pick up a torch and boost somebody up to the fire urn to light their torch.
First tribe receives a massive fire-making kit; second place gets flint; last place gets nada.
It is chaos as a bunch of crap gets thrown overboard. Ben flops himself over. I am amazed nobody has ever been seriously injured during this opening tradition.
Patrick throws a pineapple about fifty yards.
Everyone ignores the Secret Advantage except Ryan. In other news, everybody will be looking for an advantage on day one of next season now that we have seen this in three consecutive seasons.
Patrick somersaults himself off the ship after Probst rings the bell. Impressive. Probst jumps into his getaway speedboat.
Hustlers can’t even get into their boat at first then start going to a different beach.
Probst jumps a far distance out of the boat as if he wanted to see if he could hit the sand rather than the water. He nearly wins.
Hustlers and Heroes are extremely close in this challenge. Hustlers point out Roark as the lightest (the lightest to light). Roark is terrified but reluctantly gets boosted. It gets them first place. Chrissy gets boosted to secure second.
PROBST: Hustlers are still trying to figure out what show they are on.
Yes, they are waiting to see a U-Turn board rather than an immunity idol.
The real tribe names are not mentioned. No intro. Instead, Ali hopes the work ethic of the troubled Hustler tribe can help them recover.
ALI: I am very nervous.
Yeah, this is what I was expecting from the Hustler tribe.
DAY 1 – HEALERS
There is an enormous fire on their beach. As somebody living in BC, this would be a terrifying sight.
Roark makes up some BS that Healers are a team-based group which makes them distinct amongst the other two groups. Producers are really pushing this theme for the early episodes.
JOE: I am not cocky or anything, but I wanted y’all three females… and [Cole] has the eight-pack.
JESSICA: He has beautiful tan skin. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. He is Tarzan.
If he is Tarzan, let’s just hope Cole can remember your name and not throw his underwear into the fresh water.
Joe views his tribemates as his victims. Way to heal, Joe. He reveals he is a probation officer.
DAY 1 – HEROES
Ashley says the hero cape is already off and alliances are forming. I don’t think the hero label ever really existed.
ASHLEY (to JP): I really like Cowboy.
What an original nickname. JP and now Cowboy.
Alan says his NFL career makes him aware of who else is playing the game. He wants to make a full-tilt sprint out of the gate. Alan talks to Ben as Ben says he wants an alliance with JP and Ashley. They “explode” which is really a glorified fist bump.
Ashley tells JP about how she works with so many firefighters and how JP reminds her of her firefighting buddies. Now we cut back to Alan.
ALAN: I’ve been watching those two for a while… I want to make them believe I’ll work with them, but this power couple is OVER.
It was good for all eighty-seven minutes that it lasted.
All four get together to officially align.
BEN: Hey. Y’all. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
ASHLEY: I’ve wanted us four since the beginning.
Yes. In all eighty-nine minutes that Ashley has known them.
Ben wants a strong alliance.
BEN: Then we’ve got the two moms. Chrissy and Katrina. We’ve labeled them The Mom Squad. That’s just an easy target.
Which is funny because whenever I go out on a Saturday night, it’s the Mom Squads who target me. They can’t help it. :/
DAY 1 – HUSTLERS
Lauren says hustlers are hard workers and do this for the rest of the game. Meanwhile, a grasshopper crawls on Patrick’s wrist. He asks everyone if he should eat it. He decides to let young grasshopper survive. Oh, then he spots a crab in his pants.
Ali wants to align with Patrick. She was going to hold off, but Hustlers were such a disaster in the challenge that she opts to approach him with a deal sooner rather than later. Patrick feels good about this alliance.
Patrick discusses aloud to the whole tribe regarding who found an advantage on the ship.
Ryan is silent as Patrick goes on this soliloquy. We get another awkward Ryan confessional.
RYAN: it’s in my pants. I’m dying to know what it is. For the first time in my life, somebody is dying to get in my pants.
The first person to be dying to get into Ryan’s pants… is Ryan, according to this confessional? Are any of us surprised?
This twist was spoiled pre-season everywhere, but it’s the Super Idol. It can only be used at the first Tribal Council. Unlike Australian Survivor‘s Super Idol, the one in the American version is a bit different: It’s an idol that is played -after the votes are read-. If Ryan is on one of the winning tribes, he has to give it to a random person on the losing tribe who he doesn’t even know. After the first Tribal Cuncil, this Super Idol expires.
Producers really really really want to see a Super Idol to be used for the first time in history.
DAY 2 – HEALERS
We learn from the map that their official tribe name is Soko. Desi says another healing strength is communication.
Mike’s ten-year-old son told him to look for the idol before he left for the island. Sure enough, Mike is studying the map and wanders off. He is afraid of being first out. His goal is to be the best player ever.
Joe informs everyone else that he is going to interrogate Mike about the idol.
Yep. Joe goes up to Mike and tells him he assumes Mike has the idol. Mike denies it because that is the truth.
JOE: I respect you enough that I came to you individually.
But not enough to just leave Mike alone for 48 hours. Check in with your probation officer, Mike. Never miss a date.
DAY 2 – HUSTLERS
Ryan likes Devon because he is different. Devon teaches kids to surf. Ryan assumes Devon wants somebody who is more strategically sound.
Ryan pulls Devon aside. The Super Idol is revealed. Devon has the perfect reaction to it.
DEVON: I am so happy for you!
Or happy for both of them! Devon wants to cause chaos with Ryan together… for one round.
NIGHT 2 – HEROES
Everyone is having fun except Alan. Alan thinks JP and Ashley are stronger as a duo than the other four are as individuals.
ALAN: It’s red flags all over the place with those two.
That didn’t take long for a football analogy.
Alan chats with JP and Ashley.
ALAN: Yo, you got the idol. It’s cool if you got the idol.
JP: I don’t have it. Hundred percent.
ALAN: How far are you willing to prove it?
JP: . . .
ALAN: Let’s go for a swim. Let’s go to the water. Let’s go to the water’s edge, prove it.
JP: I swear on my mother
ALAN: No, I don’t want to do that to you.
Yeah, abruptly accusing an ally of lying on day two is one thing, but swearing on your mother is just pure lunacy! Too far! We have standards here.
JP: A man’s handshake?
ALAN: I don’t need that. Just pull your hands out of your pocket.
Alan knows where the idol is at right now, supposedly. He keeps asking if they are good.
ASHLEY: You are tripping. Like you are trippin’ trippin’.
Both of them repeatedly deny having an idol. Alan keeps asking if they are four strong.
ALAN: It looks like I am tripping alright even though the idol in your pants I am tripping about.
(JP proceeds to turn around and strip bottomless. He bends over in prime cavity search position for ALAN.
ALAN: I know you got the idol down there. Where’s it at?
It’s actually in Ashley’s pants. Want to make her strip bottomless too because you are merely tripping, Alan?
Survivor: Borneo – Alan is tripping and makes Rudy strip. He was gonna use the same tactic with Hatch, but Hatch has already proven he doesn’t have an idol.
Survivor: Koah Rong – Joe is struggling with his bladder getting it done at seventy-one, but Alan pushes him thinking this is all a scheme to cover up that he found an idol.
Survivor: Exile Island – Bruce can’t poop. Alan is tripping because he thinks this means Bruce is trying to poop it out rather than it being in Terry’s pocket.
Survivor: Palau – Wanda and Jonathan are about to be whisked away in a boat. Alan freaks out and runs after the boat because he thinks Wanda is doing this all as a diabolical plan has an idol hidden in her vocal chords.
Survivor: Amazon – Heidi has a huge spider bite on her knee. Alan is tripping because he thinks Heidi has hidden the idol in her swollen knee.
DAY 3 – IMMUNITY CHALLENGE #1
Race up a cargo net to the top of the tower, pull a heavy cart up, then careen down to the bottom, then pick one of three table mazes. The second tribe picks one of the remaining two, then the last tribe picks the last maze type.
They will then hoist the maze to the top of a larger tower. Two plays will then roll three balls into three holes at the end of the maze. First two tribes finished wins immunity.
Probst announces tie votes are back in… or rather, re-votes are back in.
All three tribes are extremely close after crashing into the pile of hay in their carts. Heroes pick their maze first, then Hustlers pick one, then Healers pick the last one. They were so close that tribes had to wait for each tribe to make their choice.
Probst is surprised Ryan and Lauren are the two to pull up the table maze. Those fishing hands probably have a good grip on the rope.
Joe loses time for Healers because he was slow to climb to the top.
Once again, Heroes, Hustlers, and Healers all extremely close as the table mazes are all set.
Heroes have the traditional maze. Hustlers have the obstacle maze. Healers have the rail maze.
Roark coaches the Healers as to how to score their first ball. Alan is really pumped up as he watches Chrissy and Ben do it.
Mike and Desi score the second ball for Healers.
Devon and Ali score their second ball seconds behind Heroes.
Doctor Mike helps Desi ease the third ball into its rightful place and wins immunity. Why am I not surprised?
The remaining tribes near the end of their maze. A couple of in-and-outs. This is extremely tight. Devon tells Ali to be slow as they secure that final ball seconds before Heroes.
One of the closest challenges ever in the three-tribe format.
Probst hands out both idols. Chrissy, my winner pick, is kneeling over on top of the tower. Before she can answer Probst’s question about requiring medical attention, she vomits. Ben waves his cowboy hat above Chrissy.
KATRINA: We make lemons out of lemonade.
I don’t think anybody wants lemonade as they stand over Chrissy’s vomit.
PROBST: That’s it. Let it out.
How is Probst so serious in this situation?
When Probst gives his Tribal Council spiel, everyone stands concerned while Chrissy is lying down on her side about half an inch away from her own vomit as if this isn’t unusual at all.
As everyone heads back to camp, Ryan reminds us that he must now give his idol to somebody he doesn’t know on the Heroes tribe and possibly single-handedly send somebody from this game. Sigh. What a lame twist.
DAY 3 – HEROES
The “Core Four” agree it is Chrissy or Katrina.
ALAN: Ashley and JP think I am still with them…whatever they are trying to do, I am blowing it up.
Blowing it up, explode… Alan wants to do it all in 72 hours.
Alan summons Katrina and Chrissy.
ALAN: I am thinking it’s me because nobody is talking to me. All they do is take off their clothes in front of me during the middle of the night because they think I am tripping.
Chrissy pitches to them that they pull in Ben to make a Strong Four. Not a Core Four.
CHRISSY: You think it’s you, and you think it’s you? ‘Cause I think it’s me.
Katrina doesn’t feel safe because she doesn’t have a strong team yet to vote together. They now want to write down Ashley. Could my first boot prediction come true?
Alan insists to Ben that he is with The Four. Ben is annoyed this has all blown up.
Ben says he could go with The Mom Squad or go with JP and Ashley to knock out Katrina or Chrissy. He wants to eliminate one of the two weaker women, but will also be a bit about trust.
As everyone gathers their crap for Tribal Council, Chrissy spots a package. It’s the Super Idol.
CHRISSY: Wow. How lucky did I get?
And how unlucky did Ashley get?
The Super Idol delivery was completely anonymous. Chrissy will let the Tribal Council discussion dictate who she plays the idol for.
TRIBAL COUNCIL #1
Dip those torches in. Get fire. Alan asks JP if his torch has an idol hidden in it.
Ben says the game is moving fast. Alan is already tripping.
Chrissy admits to not fitting in physically with this tribe along with the Olympian.
ASHLEY: Day 2 1/2 ™( The Lion King), there was already a commotion going on. Alan pulled JP and me and said we have an idol.
ALAN: An idol or a clue.
PROBST: You’re talking about Ashley?
ALAN: No, I’m talking about Ashley AND JP.
Alan refuses to back down from his assumption. He won’t believe their denials. Probst laughs at the story of JP stripping in denial.
PROBST: JP, you’re wrapped up in this as well.
Or unwrapped, in this case.
Ashley is annoyed that the term power couple irritates the crap out of her.
ALAN: I’m not crazy! I’m confident! …. If I go home because I am silly, so be it.
Ben wants to hash out their conflict after Tribal Council.
Alan leaks out the target on Katrina and Chrissy.
Chrissy thinks voting against her is unwise. Katrina agrees. Katrina wants to get the tribe further together.
Ben says this vote is live.
So let’s vote.
Unique voices on the ol’ Tribal Council voting soundtrack. Man, that Alan guy has no chance of winning.
No regular idols are played.
FIRST VOTE: Katrina
SECOND VOTE: Ashley
THIRD VOTE: Katrina
FOURTH VOTE: KATRINA
FIFTH VOTE: KATRINA
. . .
No Super Idol played. There goes that twist.
Katrina, the most invisible person on the tribe this episode, is gone in the first one-hour premiere in a long time.
I can’t believe that vote was unanimous.
Next Time On…Survivor: There’s a new power couple. A budding romance and a bad breakup.
And that’s Katrina.
Katrina is a bit of a loner personality-wise. She wasn’t pissing anybody off, but she wasn’t making any close friends either other than with Chrissy.
I can’t even say she was physically weak because she is a freakin’ OLYMPIAN. So I’m throwing that reasoning out the window.
If Tribal Council happened on day four or five, we definitely see a different outcome. Alan’s paranoia would have gotten old real fast, and perhaps Ashley and JP go to Chrissy and Katrina to knock out Alan. Or Alan’s paranoia skyrockets so much that he does vote with Chrissy and Katrina to eliminate Ashley.
Chrissy let herself be hoisted to light the torch and also was one of two people to play the table maze. Her vomiting on the ground proved she wanted to play with the top competitors in this game. That probably impressed a guy like Ben.
Chrissy was willing to blend in to her youthful tribe; Katrina was not.
I am willing to conclude the following about the Heroes tribe:
JP has no chance of winning. Alan has no chance of winning.
I am willing to conclude the following about the Healers tribe:
Joe is going to irritate everyone by being too aggressive. Either he is a goat or will be gone very soon. But we all saw that coming, eh?
I am willing to conclude the following about the Hustlers tribe:
Ryan and Devon should be a fun pairing.
And Ali sure has had a lot of airtime this round.
I am simultaneously horrified and amused by how lame the Super Idol twist was. Either it was useless and did nothing but waste precious airtime, or somebody would be eliminated because of something that was zero percent their own fault. Are you telling me Ashley was on the verge of going home with just one vote this episode?