Welcome back Bachelor fanatics! Another season of America’s favorite guilty pleasure has begun and is just begging to be lampooned (or at least chuckled at). I am your host, Terry Terrones. I’m the RobHasAWebsite equivalent of Chris Harrison, which means I talk in clichés, most of my life experiences are the “most dramatic” thing ever, I’m just doing this gig for the frequent flyer miles and I always walk around with anywhere between 1-23 roses.
This is the second season Rob has let me write about the least successful dating show in TV history. We even chat about it on occasion. In case you missed it, you can check out our podcast preview of this season of “The Bachelor” right here.
Before we get to Monday’s episode, let’s address last night’s fluff piece, “Countdown to Juan Pablo.” With the exception of the surprisingly long Gia tribute (something I have no idea how to comment on) it was pretty much what I expected – cotton candy TV viewing. Here’s Juan Pablo playing with his daughter, here’s JP playing soccer with his friends and here’s JP having a heart-to-heart conversation with his dad. That hour of TV couldn’t have made Juan Pablo look any better even if he hired Kobe Bryant’s PR firm.
We also got a peek at this season’s bachelorettes. There really wasn’t much that stood out, until the very end of the episode where ABC showed us the season preview. Why ABC gives away so much away is beyond me (pretty easy to tell who makes it far and who doesn’t) but we were given some interesting clues. Socially Awkward Clare received a lot of camera time, as did First Impression Rose winner Sharleen the Underdog. Then there was the woman who locked herself into the bathroom and was screaming death threats at JP. We never saw her face but THAT looked good.
Okay, enough jibber jabber. I’m going to do my best Swat from “The Bachelor Pad” impression, light some candles, pour myself a liter of wine and get to tonight’s episode. Don’t forget to check out the flavor filling links!
7:00 – Cue the montage! “The Bachelor montage lives! We see the three stages of this show – the everything is great and the Bachelor is beloved by all stage, the “I didn’t know it would be this hard” crying stage, and the “No really, love can happen in this setting” stage.
7:05 – In a glowing portrait of Juan Pablo, full of material already aired in last night’s “Countdown to Juan Pablo” episode, JP says he’s, “Willing to take the risk and come to LA to find a wife and stepmom for Camila.” Really?!? Going on “The Bachelor” is a risk? Of what kind? Being universally loved? Having random women come up to you in grocery stores wanting to hug you? Getting to make out and possibly bang 27 women? Come on! I take more risks driving on icy Colorado streets. You’re not getting my sympathy!
7:07 – Gratuitous shirtless shot of JP running on the beach. If you were chosen to be the Bach or Bachelorette, how much working out would you do? Eight hours a day for six weeks straight? A diet consisting solely of Ultra Slim Fast shakes and rice cakes? Would you be up to that kind of challenge? Me? Hellllll no. Ain’t nobody got time for that, especially me. I’d go three days without a pizza and tell Chris Harrison to shove it.
7:12 – Hey, look who’s here! It’s former Bachelor Sean! Juan Pablo gave him a call and showed up to give him some advice. Isn’t that serendipitous that he just happened to be in the neighborhood?
7:14 – When asked by JP how many bachelorettes he kissed during his season, Sean replies, “A lot. I don’t regret it. I feel like you have to be in the moment and if you feel it is right, go in for the kiss.” Translation: “Dude, how can I possibly buy the cow without tasting all the different flavors of milk?”
7:16 – I gotta say, I’m surprised. Sean actually gave some good advice:
- Don’t let the other women see you kiss someone else
- Keep an open mind and don’t lock people into your top three because you never know what’ll happen
- Remember you have to adjust to the real world after all this craziness is over
- If Chris Harrison invites you to his room, gives you a drink and you wake up with a size 7 poop chute screaming, “House on fire, house on fire, put it out, put it out!” you only have yourself to blame.
Okay, I might have made that last one up.
7:21 – Says Chris Harrison, “Juan Pablo fever has reached epic proportions!” You silver tongued devil! C-Harr (that’s what I liked to call him) hasn’t lost his gift for hyperbole.
7:23 – 7:31 – Bachelorette montage time! We meet Ditzy Blonde Chelsie, MILF with washboard abs Renee, Andi the Terminator, Goofy Amy J, Nurse Nikki, Lauren “Don’t Call Me Blakely” H., Valerie the Villain, Lacy AKA 34J (Use your imagination. And that’s my wife’s nickname for her, don’t blame Me.), and Socially Awkward Clare. My favorite part of these little vignettes is watching the bachelorettes randomly walking around while staring into space. Women do that when guys aren’t around, right? Right?!?
I also enjoyed watching Valerie compare the other bachelorettes to goats, seeing Lauren “Blakely” H. cry 30 minutes into the show and listening to Clare call JP a “good dad” before she’s even met him. Looks like a good group.
7:36 – Limo time! Here’s where I get the bachelorettes mixed up because they’re all dressed in prom dresses, have similar builds and have the same length hair. Time to get confused! I won’t be commenting on everyone. Just the women who do something that stands out.
7:41 – First limo is emptied out. Nurse Nikki seemed to make a good impression. She had a stethoscope so JP could hear her heartbeat to see how nervous she was. Gimmicky but JP seemed to like it.
7:42 – Says the wife, “He must be a butt guy. These girls are showing a lot of butt.” Honey, EVERY guy is a butt guy.
7:43 – Lucy, who lists her job as “free spirit” (unemployed actress) shows up SHOELESS! #dealbreaker.
7:45 – Lauren S shows up with a piano on wheels. She’s a music composer who plays a mostly in tune song. I looked it up and upright pianos weigh between 300-400lbs. Impressive! She’s easily the second limo’s winner for originality. Chris Harrison should give her a sash or something.
7:46 – We learn that Chelsie is a “science teacher” at a science museum. I didn’t know tour guides at museums could list themselves as educators. That seems misleading.
7:53 – Clare shows up with a fake baby bump. No, just, no. For a guy, that’s just not funny. That’s creepy. How she makes it past tonight, and we know she does from the spoiler filled season promo from last night, I have no idea.
7:57 – Kelly shows up with her dog Molly, who promptly ignores JP. Not a good sign for Kelly.
8:00 – I’ve heard Juan Pablo say, “Hmm” when he’s feigning interest about 10 times so far. If I listen to this enough times I will soon incorporate this into my own speech pattern while this show is airing. Stupid TV making me say things I don’t want to.
8:07 – Now that all the women are in the house, JP makes a smart move. There’s a photo booth in the house and he starts playing music. It was a very clever way to get the overwhelming energy of 27 women all focused on one guy to mellow out. Get people to relax, let their guard down and give them something to focus on besides him. Good work JP, good work.
8:08 – 8:14 – JP talks to a variety of women. It’s still early in the game so it’s impossible to read any of these conversations with any accuracy. Although I can say that Goofy Amy J’s massage of Juan Pablo was weird. Amy seems sexually repressed, a bit desperate and kinda weird. And if I hear one more woman say that she and JP have “a lot in common” like Amy J did and a few others already said I’m going to projectile vomit all over my laptop.
8:21 – And we have our first meltdown of the evening! No surprise that it’s Lauren “Blakely” H. She’s not getting any one-on-one time with JP and is NOT over her last relationship. In case you missed it, Lauren H. was recently dumped by her single dad fiancée. Note to all those single ladies out there, “The Bachelor” is not the cure for a devastating break up. “The Real World” is.
8:28 – We’re back from commercial and Lauren “Blakely” H. is still crying. There’s nothing more attractive to a potential mate than insecurity.
8:28 – Lauren H. just said her break up was, “a few months ago.” What is she doing on this show?!? Again, “The Real World” is the place to be.
8:32 – Terminator Andi just said, “I’m used to being in control.” Being a bachelorette on “The Bachelor” should be the perfect environment for her.
8:36 – Sharleen gets the first impression rose. I’m completely baffled by this. She doesn’t seem all that interested in JP and she calls him “sir” THREE TIMES. Maybe because Sharleen wasn’t trying so hard, Juan Pablo got a different vibe that he didn’t get from everyone else. But I’m still confused.
8:43 – Final rose ceremony time! My prediction is that someone pretty, with long hair will be sent home. Guaranteed! If it was me I’d send home Baby Bump Clare, Free Spirit Lucy and Lauren “Blakely” H. I’d also take back the first impression rose from Sharleen and give it to someone who kissed my ass all night.
8:43 – Gah! Clare gets the first rose. Not that anyone should be surprised after seeing her so prominently highlighted in last night’s season preview.
8:48 – The look of mounting rage on the women who aren’t getting roses as the rose pile gets smaller and smaller is just priceless. This is why I watch this show. To see other people suffer.
8:48 – Free Spirit Lucy gets a rose. I’m 0 for 2 so far.
8:49 – Mathemagician Chris Harrison, a descendant of Pythagoras, comes out and tells Juan Pablo that only one rose remains. Because we know that all Bachelors’ kryptonite is an inability to count roses backwards to one.
8:50 – Boom goes the dynamite! Goofy Amy J, Kylie, Lauren “Blakely” H., Christine, Ashley and one other woman I couldn’t identify because she received absolutely no air time were just sent packing.
8:58 – We’re shown the same season preview from last night. The highlights are lots of tears, Sharleen and Clare seemingly going far and some woman screaming, “Juan Pablo, I hope you die!” while sitting on a bathroom floor. This season looks promising. It may not be the most dramatic season of “The Bachelor” ever but it looks good.
Final thoughts – I’m still confuzzled by Sharleen receiving the first impression rose. If anyone has a theory on that, I’m all ears…During the show my wife spilled part of her beer on my laptop. I’m actually amazed it didn’t blow up but I guess my lappy likes alcohol…Anyone else notice that Juan Pablo is a bit cross-eyed or is it just me?…How much do you think Chris Harrison gets paid? If it’s “per minute of air time” it has to be a ridiculous sum.
See you all next week!