Richie Glanzer will be writing a blog all season long for Rob Has a Website as we continue to cover “Survivor: One World” from every conceivable angle. Click Here to Read more About Rich
Allow me to introduce myself one last time. My name is Richie Glanzer, and I’ve watched every episode in Survivor history. Not only do I not read spoilers, but I won’t even watch next week’s previews. (So please don’t comment about it) I like it better this way, so I can play along as if I’m one of the contestants.
While before the merge, Survivor is played with teams, it is an individual game so each week, I’m going to give a hero and heel award. Richie’s Hero Award will go to the person who was a hero to themselves, and set themselves up nicely in the coming weeks. And Richie’s Heel Award will go to the person who was a heel to themselves, and turned a sure-fire victory, into the hands of defeat.
That being said…let me start by saying this. The Frat Boy Alliance, consisting of Matt, Jay, Michael and Bill is playing an awesome game. It is an unbreakable alliance. This is your final four.
Of course that’s assuming the gay guy is Richard Hatch, this is Survivor Borneo, four is higher than five, and you have a doctor from Long Island who’s not in your alliance, but you know which way he will vote based on the alphabet. Much love Sean Kenniff.
Unfortunately for the Frat Pack, a lot has changed since the first season in Borneo, and, more importantly, a lot has changed since last season. And it seems our Frat Boys have yet to pick up on this.
See, while Survivor’s motto is “Outwit, Outlast, Outplay” we aren’t there yet. Right now, Julie Chen should dropkick Jeff Probst out of the ring because it is time to “expect the unexpected.” Unfortunately for the Frat Boys, they are playing like it is business as usual.
While they were busy lifting stuff without shirts, our alpha males had this very telling conversation.
Jay: “You know we’re putting a huge target on our back.” (Ding!!)
Mike: “No we’re not.” (Yes, you are)
Matt: “What is anybody gonna do about it?” (Vote you out)
Mike: “That’s exactly right, you get four strong…” (And five weak vote you out)
You see with a tribe of nine, you need five for a majority (that’s for you Mike). And right now you have four. So if the other five see you four hanging out together all the time and trying to make the decisions, they very well may vote you out.
But Matt, being an obvious student of the game counters with this pearl of wisdom.
“Well the way Survivor always works initially, is that the strong stay initially because they benefit the tribe, and the weak go. So I’m aligned with Big Mike, Jay Bird and Bill. It’s an easy alliance; we’re the young fit guys. It’s the dominant alliance clearly, so I’m sitting pretty as far as I’m concerned.”
First off, the strong always initially stay? No Matt, there have been plenty of big fit guys who have had their torch snubbed early in the game. Ask John Raymond, Jed Hildebrand, Ryan Aiken, Daniel Lue and probably about a dozen more people you’ve never heard of about the strong always staying early. You’ve never heard of these people because they didn’t last.
But that’s beside the point. This isn’t your typical Survivor season. Unfortunately for Matt and the rest of his alliance, they’re opposition is girls. Allow me to be politically incorrect for a second, because this is kind of important.
Guys are typically stronger, and more athletic than girls. There are exceptions, but generally Survivor doesn’t cast too many of those exceptions. This season looks to fall under those general terms, which means, the five guys who don’t have chests made of barrel, still don’t need you since they are probably stronger and more athletic than most of the women on the women tribe. (Side note: You make it men vs. women, I’m not taking the time to figure out the tribe names. I call the tribe with all men, the men tribe, and the tribe with all women, the women tribe)
So the five weaker guys, don’t really need to keep you and your buddies since they already have the physical advantage.
But perhaps their biggest mistake is not seeing what is going to happen four eliminations in front of them… the likely tribe switch. Matt seems to think it will be men vs. women until the merge. But that’s not likely the case. In the two previous men vs. women seasons, there was a tribe switch before the merge. But more importantly than history, is with the tribes in one location, it is obvious the producers want to create secret allies among the enemies. So even if you convince another guy to join the Frat Boys, that alliance is probably going to be split up soon. And if they don’t have an alliance with several women, there’s a good chance they are going to be outnumbered come tribe switch time. My advice to Matt, is act like Superman, travel the globe backwards to turn back time, and when you come back to Survivor, be nicer to at least one of the weaker dudes, and five of the women from the other tribe. Because unless the next 15 or so immunity challenges are arm-wrestling related, the guys may not always win, and you maybe joining Rob on his podcast sooner than you think.
Now on to the awards.
Richie’s Hero:
Can’t get any easier than this–Colton. Because as Rupert said in Heroes vs. Villains, “There are no other heroes.” Now I grant you, I won’t normally call the person who commits public treason on their own tribe a hero, but for Colton, it worked.
So why does this tribe-killing move earn Colton such a prestigious award? Because he begged the girls to find him an idol, and then give it to him. In other words, “You do the work, I’ll tan, and when you find the idol, instead of keeping it for yourself, just give it to me.” None of the Frat Boys have as big a set as Colton does for asking that.
But guess what? Sabrina found the idol, and did exactly what Colton told her to do. Hell, next week, I hope Colton tells Sabrina to make him a sandwich. After a quick “I love you” Colton was gone, not even staying the night. I feel dirty.
But not as dirty as Sabrina who earned…
Richie’s Heel:
Oh Sabrina, I like you. And unlike Matt, I don’t think your flaw will be fatal. But you messed up. Colton was begging for an idol. He wanted it more than headline writers want to come up with a new pun for “Linning.” So what did you do? You found the idol and said, “Here.” And then acted like Billy Garcia and said, “I love you too.”
You had a chance to make history, a chance to be epic. Look at Colton. He’s a Drama King. If I found the idol and had to give it to a guy I would have went to Colton and said, “Son, the way I sees it is you’ve done got two choices.” (Side note, if I ever get on Survivor I’m going to pretend to be from Texas instead of Long Island, which explains the southern drawl that I’m using in my head for this made up conversation) You throw the challenge, and I give you the idol, and then you blindside the heck outta Matt. Or you win the challenge, and I make an alliance with Matt, and give him the idol.”
I realize 99% of Survivor contestants would have punched me in the face for suggesting such an offensive trade, but Colton is the 1%er. I think very much like Cochrane, he wants to be Survivor Famous. And he would trade in a legitimate shot to win, to become famous. But we’ll never know.
So Sabrina I will leave you with this. The next time you give it away make sure you get something in return, other than an empty, “I love you.” Because here’s a secret….gay or straight…we just say it to steal your idol!
Love me or hate me, feel free to email me and let me know what I can do better. My email is RichieGlanzer [at] gmail [dot] com and I promise to respond to every email I get. Or you can do the Twitter thingee and tweet me at @RichieHero7.
Read a counterpoint by Matthew Bok: Why the Frat Pack is on the Right Track
