The following is a guest post about Big Brother 14 (and Seinfeld) from Rob Has a Website Contributor and Legendary Live Tweeter, @TheeSoopNazee
“Oh hi, 100 episodes, that’s a lot, during the course of which George, Elaine, Kramer and I have had many experiences both positive and negative. Well, mostly negative. There have been some relationships that haven’t worked out, ambitions that were unfulfilled, hopes dashed, some property damage, hurt feelings; I know one guy got deported. Physical injury, and alright, maybe even a death or two. But we persevered, because we’re people, real TV people, and for 30 minutes a week, that’s pretty important to us. So if you’re joining us late, here’s what happened so far.”
Sometimes in the world of television, things just slow down. When they slow down, producers do a recap to remind you of the good times we’ve had, and that more will come. A Big Brother 14 recap blog would not be that entertaining, however, so I wanted to do a mid-season power ranking to show you how wrong I was at the start of the season. I should’ve known to take the Costanza “do the opposite” strategy, but I went with my gut, and, well, it didn’t pan out. But instead of doing a simple re-ranking, I’ve decided to call the powers that be, the RHAP Live Feed Coaches’ Correspondents, to redraft the 2012 Big Brother Draft. Coming to you live, from the Twitterverse, it’s the Big Brother Draft Redux!
1st Overall (Team Britney)
Original Pick: Shane; because he was the Andrew Luck of the draft.
Correspondent Pick (Bill Methling, @ZootyMcBooty): Shane; “He may be a former ‘Bachelorette’ casting reject, but he has surely found his place in this game. This POV slayer has been Britney’s golden goose since day one and would easily be her first round choice if there was a draft reset. Never mind the pink attire, the two-phrase original vernacular of “exactly” and“100%” or his parrot-like ability to repeat other’s game-talk as his own, Shane is in a great spot. Shrugging off his useless HOH and the frightening onslaught of Danielle’s advances, Shane keeps level headed. Shane has unknowingly found his position behind the shield of Dan, Boogie, and Frank before his number will be up. Despite his recent dry-spell in competitions Shane will prevail in skill and/or endurance in the future and take a run at the title, which he might be surprised to find out isn’t a rose.”
Soop’s Take: Preseason I thought Shane was going to be an intelligent guy who used the manipulation of a house flipper to play this game. Boy was I wrong. While Shane is not the shiniest object in the upcoming “Danielle Murphree Mental Health Institute,” I agree with Bill in that Shane has found himself in a great spot here. The Coaches’ Twist, while it screwed his HoH week, gave him three targets bigger than himself at a time when he was the head of the dragon, and Shane’s done a good job of sitting back and letting others take the hit for him, and manipulating Danielle. Speaking of Danielle, she and Shane need to work on trust, and then and only then will there be a free exchange of sex (stalking) and discounts (deals). Cornerstones of a healthy relationship.
2nd Overall (Team Boogie)
Original Pick: Frank; because he was the Robert Griffin III of the draft.
Correspondent Pick (Brian Lynch, @LynchMGM): “Ian; When Shane was selected first, I felt compelled to make a big move with the second-overall selection. Frank has been a target since Day One in the house. In fact, Frank was even on his way out of the door, but was saved by an eviction-day twist. As great of a player as Frank is, I feel like he will eventually fall to enemy forces. Considering the position that Ian has been able to establish for himself in the house, I knew that I would have to take him with my first pick if I wanted to keep him with Team Boogie. I knew that he would be off of the board before my second pick, which was seventh overall. So, I pulled the trigger and picked Ian first. Mike Boogie would not be happy with me letting his Number One man go to another team. But he can get over it! Just go over there and make an alliance with Frank anyway and destroy his new team from the inside out!”
Soop’s Take: The first shocker of the draft comes at the number two overall pick, where Team Boogie correspondent Brian picks Ian ahead of Frank. Before the game started, I had said that Ian wouldn’t be around long because of a lack of respect for him and his social game. Ian got off to a terrible start, and was on the road to proving me right as I referred to him as a “creep” in my next blog. You think I should have been that harsh? Should I say something? Should I apologize? Was I being anti-virgin? But after the first week he turned it around. Ian’s in a great position in the game where he’s aligned with everyone and targeted by no one, but isn’t being deceitful about it. I don’t think Ian has the killer instinct that I like to see in my Big Brother players (then again, Jordan has won this game…) so I don’t see him taking it, but Ian’s done an amazing job turning things around. Soup for you!
3rd Overall (Team Janelle)
Original Pick: Wil; because Janelle can’t help but take the Other Team’s players.
Correspondent Pick (Natalie, @NatalieChicago): “Frank; He was my first pick because he is good in the competitions, he has a great social game, and production likes him. Janelle needs strong competition players for the HOH/POV and he has thus far won two HOH competitions and one POV competition. He is a great guy to have on your side because he is loyal, and if she would have snagged him from the beginning he would have been loyal to Janelle.”
Soop’s Take: In keeping with my tradition in not being able to accurately forecast the BB players, I wrote in my assessment blog that Frank would be the first boot due to a lack of strategic flexibility. By Week Two, I changed my winner pick after Willie was expelled to none other than Frank himself. Despite being on the block whenever he’s not HoH, I think Frank has set himself up in a great position. When the Chilltown nominations come, it’s going to be an anti-Boogie nomination, plus he has Dan as a much bigger threat. The only thing is, he’s, uhhh, he’s a male bimbo, he’s a mimbo!
4th Overall (Team Dan)
Original Pick: Kara; because the wiener always wins when playing chess against the brain (at first anyway).
Correspondent Pick (Matt, @SnideSnidington): Willie; “It may seem odd taking someone who had one of the worst Big Brother meltdowns in history, but much of Willie’s demise was due to Britney’s coaching techniques (or lack thereof). I have complete confidence that Willie could have been molded into a very good Big Brother player if he had Dan, who has a non-confrontational style approach to the game, as a coach.”
Soop’s Take: Got to love The Hantz! Willie was my original winner pick; officially making me wrong on every single prediction in the first round of the redux. Despite being the first loser off of the board, I think Willie would’ve done well on Dan’s team. When things came to a boil, Brit was unable to “coach” The Hantz, whereas Dan would’ve been able to calm him down and talk things through. Had Dan been coaching The Hantz, maybe we all wouldn’t have ended up hating The Hantz. Everybody does.
5th Overall (Team Dan)
Original Pick: Danielle; see Monaco, Kara.
Correspondent Pick (Matt): Kara; “If it seems odd to take a person who was evicted from the house with my first round pick, it must be particularly peculiar to double down on another evicted houseguest. However, I believe that Kara’s fate was decided by an unfortunate set of circumstances. Because Dan’s team had no physical threats, they were doomed to lose the first competition and thusly lose Jodi. With Jodi being gone, Kara (not crazy) immediately becomes the target because she is a better ‘version’ of Danielle (who is crazy). However, now that we have a physical threat in Willie, Dan is much less likely to lose the first competition and have to take out Jodi, which would most likely secure Kara’s place in the house for a couple of weeks. If Kara survives the first couple of weeks, she has a very legitimate chance to win the game a la Jordan.”
Soop’s Take: Beautiful women, you know, they get away with murder. You never see one of them lift anything over three pounds. They do whatever they want, whenever they want to, and nobody can stop them. Unfortunately, nobody in the BB House got this memo and Kara was the first actual evictee. Kara didn’t really do much as she was nearly invisible throughout, but she wasn’t necessarily a bad pick. Had Dan drafted a male, as Matt did in the redux, I think they would’ve had a chance in the competition, and Kara would have been gold. After we lost her, I fled the feeds like a thousand Japanese people fleeing Japan from a beautiful Godzilla!
6th Overall (Team Janelle)
Original Pick: Ashley, because a dumb blonde just seemed too easy!
Correspondent Pick (Natalie): Danielle; “Yes, she lies, and is delusional, but she is by far the best female competition player in the house. If Janelle would have gotten her from the beginning they would have bonded, and Janelle would be able to see that as long as she gives Danielle constant praise, she will stay in line. Danielle would have been loyal to Janelle, and be a great competition player to have on her side once the merge happened. Another reason I chose her was because despite her winning an HOH and POV she is still not seen as a physical threat. If Danielle is on a team full of guys, she would be easier to keep in line, and she would use a POV to take Janelle off the block.”
Soop’s Take: At the top of the second, Danielle falls one spot to Janelle in the redux. This is basically where Danielle’s value lies, but she deserves to fall in the draft, simply because of her TwoFace spectacle when editors cut from no makeup to makeup. It truly is frightening. While Danielle may be the best female competitor in the house; she’s also the most gullible, clingy, and overall crazy. In my assessment, I said that there is no shot Danielle can win, and finally, I got one right. In the words of the Zingbot, the only “prize” she’s getting is a restraining order. Ziiiiinnnngg!
7th Overall (Team Boogie)
Original Pick: Ian, because he’s the only person on the planet who considered Boogie a BB Legend before this season.
Correspondent Pick (Brian): Jenn; “Frank, Willie, Kara, and Danielle were drafted before my next selection. For the life of me, I do not understand why Willie & Kara (evicted players) were even picked. Of the available players left, Jenn and Ashley were my most probable picks to make a deep run into the current game. I felt like the other correspondents would be tempted to take Jenn, so I decided to take her with my second pick. This allowed me to keep two of the original Team Boogie houseguests.”
Soop’s Take: Who? Jenn has played a good game, stayed under-the-radar, and she’ll be in the Final Three. Then again, so was Adam. The only good thing to come out of having Jenn on the show was it allowed me to use one of my favorite Seinfeld lines; “I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they’re thinking, ‘That’s why I’m not a heterosexual.’” Never you mind what I thought about Jenn pregame (Hint: No Soup For Me).
8th Overall (Team Britney)
Original Pick: Willie, because blonde women just gravitate towards a Hantz.
Correspondent Pick (Bill): Joe; “Although there isn’t a lot of ‘Mad Love’ out there for Joe, this fame-seeking chef is loyal to the bone. If we as an audience took the time to un-mute our Television or LiveFeeds when we see him on screen we might notice Joe is one of the few newbies who understands how to strategize. With Shane having no idea how the game works, Brit needs someone who ‘has a clue’ on her roster. Understanding that Joe’s original and perhaps ultimate downfall is his ability to make any news in the house go viral, this might just leave him in the spot of a “Weak Target” —aka someone everyone wants out, but nobody wants to waste an HOH on. Could this land him in a final 3? Yes, as long as he doesn’t continue wasting all the meat in the house.”
Soop’s Take: JOE ARVIN LIVES ANOTHER WEEK! Joe going ahead of Ashley is kind of puzzling to me. He’s not good in the challenges, he’s overplayed his hand strategically, and basically no one in the house likes him or his cooking. His diary room sessions are not at all sponge-worthy, and quite frankly, Britney could’ve channelled Jerry in MasterGate, as “Poppy’s a little sloppy.” And we’re not talking about the lack of hand washing here folks! (Zing)
9th Overall (Team Britney)
Original Pick: Jojo, because the rest of the picks were the Picks That Sucked.
Correspondent Pick (Bill): Jojo; “I knew JoJo would drop to the third round because everyone has forgotten that she was only eliminated not by poor game-play, but by happenstance with Willie self-evicting and Shane winning POV. It seems like ages ago since the Staten Island vixen was eliminated, but she never really had a chance to compete. She left behind this stigma of annoyance, which only came to fruition during her terrible campaigning. Before her pleas to stay, the majority of the house actually liked JoJo. JoJo would tell you she is a “real” and “loyal” player rounding out Brit’s ‘Tripod of Trust’ amongst this new reset team.”
Soop’s Take: Jojo is real, loyal, yada yada yada, she didn’t have much of an impact. A lot of the problem was that she had Britney as her coach in the first place, and the two of them were unable to get along. Like Jenn, I was way off on her, and she didn’t even perform well in challenges like her outspoken female archetype predecessors. She is, however, the best Tweeter out of the early evictees, so be sure to follow her @JojoDoll1 and check out her goodbye message to Janelle on my “World’s Collide” blog!
10th Overall (Team Boogie)
Original Pick: Jenn, your guess is as good as mine.
Correspondent Pick (Brian): Ashley; “When it was time for my third pick (tenth overall), I was amazed that Joe and JoJo were taken by the other correspondents. I was worried that I would get stuck with Joe, but Ashley still remained on the board. I was totally shocked. I guarantee you that Ashley will not be ripping Chilltown apart. Ashley is the most “Chill” person in the house!”
Soop’s Take: Until now, Ashley has just been another floater who will likely make it to at least the Final Four, if not the finals because nobody is going to target her. She was my preseason runner-up pick, and like I guessed back then, didn’t really do much. Then it happened. The moment that will forever secure Ashley the spot as my favorite BB houseguest ever. At 2:25pm on August 14th, Cam 4, Ashley did it. “No soup for you!” she exclaimed while preparing a late lunch. For this reason alone, I am on Team Ashley. Soup for you indeed Ashley, soup for you!
11th Overall (Team Natalie)
Original Pick: Joe, because he’s the only one you could hear.
Correspondent Pick (Natalie): Wil; “I had Wil and Jodi left to choose from, and I knew if I picked Jodi I would be automatically down one player because I would have lost the first challenge. Thinking back, Wil is a great third player pick. He is really social, and has one of the best social games in the house. Since he does have Frank and Danielle on the same team as him, he is now target number 3 instead of target number 1. Since his social game is so good, he could possible float into the finals and win based on a great social game. I also really think Wil would be great with Danielle in giving her the praise she needs.”
Soop’s Take: Despite lasting until August, I think Wil was the worst BB player this season, and his slide to the bottom of the last round is well deserved. Wil’s BB incompetence was on fine display this week, when his campaigning was more of a suicide mission as he told Boogie and Frank that he thought they were in a bigger alliance, and didn’t bother to offer them anything. Wil couldn’t get along with Janelle when he was first on her team, and a redraft wouldn’t have helped that. Wil is just too catty for BB. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!
12th Overall (Team Dan)
Original Pick: Jodi, because Zingbot wasn’t eligible.
Correspondent Pick (Dan): Jodi; “I wish I could say something positive about having Jodi on my team, but I don’t think I can because I only saw her for 5 minutes. I do not believe Jodi could EVER win Big Brother and her most likely use on Dan’s team would be fodder for Willie/Kara like she was in the actual game.”
Soop’s Take: All I have to say is No Soup For You! NEXT!
So there you have it, a redo of the first ever Big Brother Draft. No Blog For You next week as RHAP Nation shuts down, but I’ll be back with a new Big Brother blog the following week, and a Rob Has A Fantasy Football League preview blog following the live draft on Spreecast on Monday, August 27th. Be sure to follow me on Twitter, @TheeSoopNazee, as well as all of the live-feed correspondents whose Twitter handles are listed above, and check out the Baker’s Dozen blog at Rob Has A Website.