Fellow nerds: welcome. The community sincerely thanks you for being here today to offer your condolences.
Under normal circumstances, we gather in celebration of “King of the Nerds” – to crack as many jokes about the competition as the competition does about itself, to sit in glass houses and throw stones at the players who make bad decisions. It’s all in good fun, or at least is certainly intended to be.
But today? Dearly beloved, today we mourn.
We mourn the loss of three souls – all so young and in the prime of their lives, all with bright futures ahead of them. Sadly, they have left us too soon – some by their own doing – but some by circumstances we could have never foreseen.
Join me, won’t you, as I eulogize them.
Zachary Storch (January 23, 2014 – March 6, 2014)
Zachary Storch was one of the most remarkable young men I have ever had the privilege of blogging and tweeting about. Never in my real life have I met someone with as many general skills as him – not even Nicole. Zack led a happy life, surrounded by close friends and family. Some of them were the stuffed dinosaurs he recruited as competitors in card games, but I think we all know as well as Zack did that human competition wouldn’t have been much of a challenge for him either. He was the first person to ever win three Nerd Offs in a row, a record that will be tough to break. And then in a tragedy no one could have predicted, his fellow competitors so unfairly cheated him out of what seemed like his inevitable win in this past week’s Nerd War. I mean, Kayla drove him into a wall and then sped away laughing. Who does that? Oh, sorry.
Then, fittingly, in a game of Angry Nerds, one fateful shot to the balls finally took down the righteous Rochambeau champ. Zack, your seven-episode run was remarkable in so many ways. Chiefly among them, that it lasted seven episodes. You have earned the respect of everyone in attendance today. And for having lost Zack, tonight, distinguished guests, we are all the forsaken.
The Game of Kayla LaFrance (January 23, 2014 – March 6, 2014)
This loss is just so senseless and tragic. Kayla LaFrance’s game had everything going for it. Flying under the radar, safely protected on the almighty Titans of Rigel…Kayla was coasting her way to the finals. And then she went and won that Nerd War and was faced with a decision: continue to fight along team lines that exist only in spirit, or make a serious play to put herself in a position to actually have a shot to win?
Well, as her game’s untimely demise proves, Kayla made the wrong decision. Jack, the clear last choice, was whom she chose to send into the Nerd Off. Not Xander, whom no one had talked about getting rid of all season long despite excelling at pretty much everything thrown his way. Not Brian, who I have to imagine would so easily beat anyone in the trivia challenge that will likely decide the final two. Not even Zack, one of the game’s most proven Nerd Off competitors, was her first choice – she only sent him in by breaking the tie. She played it safe – much too safe. And her chances of winning “King of the Nerds”…I’m sorry, Curtis was supposed to get back to me with a pun about her inevitable elimination and my email is super spotty, guys.
In lieu of flowers, those near and dear to Kayla’s game have requested that mourners pay their respects by donating to Kayla’s Kickstarter project. Ms. LaFrance wants to spread the ashes of her game on the surface of Mars, but needs to repair some of the damage her Mars rover took during Robot Dodgeball. Those who donate above the $10 level will get a WWJD bracelet (“What Would Janeway Do?”).
Xander Jeanneret, presumed winner of “King of the Nerds” season 2
Though if there was a loss even more reckless and tragic, it was that of young Xander Jeanneret. There he was, fresh off winning season 2 of “King of the Nerds” in a path so easily cleared by his oblivious and inferior competitors – until a night of unlimited Mambo Combos and wild partying with the $100,000 grand prize he so easily obtained cut his reign short. If only the other competitors had made smarter game moves and –
Suddenly, the lid of the coffin bursts open! Xander leaps out, very much alive, though his tattered clothes and zombie makeup suggest otherwise. He slowly makes his way toward the mourners, occasionally lunging at them as if about to pierce flesh. The zombified versions of Ivan, Josh, and Genevieve stand up from the back row and join Xander. The four of them then exit the room shouting “Braaaaains!”
Well, friends, even if the other nerds hadn’t essentially handed him the crown and signed his check, you have to admit what a deserving winner Xander is: that is some dedicated LARPing.
Call it, friendos – who’s your winner? If you couldn’t tell, I think it’s Xander’s game to lose. Also, the blog would like to extend gratitude to Gheesling Mortuary Services for your hospitality; while the black shirts and “Karate Kid” headbands proved unnecessary, they were appreciated nonetheless.