Hello everybody! Welcome to the “Bachelor in Paradise” running diary.
I have jumped ship from the predictability of “The Bachelor/Bachelorette” franchise and moved to this hopefully more fascinating spin off series that rips of “Paradise Hotel.” Have you seen this preview? Have you not had “Almost Paradise” by Mike Reno and Ann Wilson in your head all summer? How is a human being supposed to resist this? This is a show that requires you to watch it.
Now before you get too antsy because you’re nervous about what your friends might say, let me tell you this – I’m watching it right along with you. And I’m a dude, who’s married with kids. And over 40. If I can get enjoyment from this cheesefest, so can you. Don’t feel guilty about it.
Before we get to the premiere episode, a quick side note about last week’s Bachelorette finale. Why in the world didn’t Chris Harrison bring up the “making love” comment that Nick made when Josh finally came out? We all know C-Harr launches more softballs than Jennie Finch but the dude owes us ONE hard hitting question after all these years.
I didn’t have a problem with Nick’s comment. I didn’t think it was “below the belt” at all. Why not? A decent woman wouldn’t have slept with him. Let’s look at a few different scenarios here:
- Scenario 1 – She knew Josh was her pick. In that case, she certainly shouldn’t have slept with Nick.
- Scenario 2 – Andi didn’t know which guy she wanted. In that case, don’t sleep with either of them. Sleeping with both just makes the second place person feel like crap (see Juan Pablo). It also can’t make the first place guy feel that good either.
- Scenario 3 – She thought Nick was her guy but he underperformed at the fantasy suite, kicked the tires with Josh and found him to be far superior.
Scenario 3 is the only situation where coitusing both guys is even close to legit, and even then if you do it, own up to it. What about Scenario 2 you ask? Check out this quote, directly from Andi’s lips as part of her reasoning for dumping Nick:
“I started feeling like, knowing the intensity between us, and that worry, that there has been so much intensity and so much overanalyzing. And then, honestly, like that last date, I wanted to just have fun, and I wanted to relax, and as hard as I tried I couldn’t do that with you. We both sit here and we just overanalyze everything and I think a life with you would be me overanalyzing everything.”
If her relationship with Nick causes her to overanalyze, she KNEW Nick wasn’t her guy before the fantasy suite. Or he’s just lousy in bed. Or a combination of the two. Either way, future Bach/Bachelorette contestants should be on notice. Nick set a precedent – if you coitus a contestant you will get called out for it. Viewers have long suspected this has been going on, but now bach/bachelorettes have proof positive.
Okay, enough jibber jabber. Let’s get to tonight’s episode.
7:01 – Chris Harrison comes out dressed in his best Sonny Crockett inspired outfit and we’re given a long season preview. I think one of the biggest reasons I’m excited for this show is because it looks like MTV’s “The Real World” but with adults. Sounds like a winner to me.
7:04 – Fake Clare is the first contestant introduced. Since her time off from Juan Pablo’s season she’s been taking time off so she could, “get back to being Clare.” There’s a good chance that required the attention of a plastic surgeon because I’m pretty sure half of Clare’s body is artificial. That includes her personality.
7:05 – 7:20 – Following Fake Clare are Marcus (Andi’s season), Totes Adorbs Sarah (Sean’s season and my personal favorite), Marquel (Andi’s season), Daniella (Sean’s season, chances are you don’t remember her. I didn’t.), Graham (DeAnna’s season), Lacy (Juan Pablo’s season), Ben (Desi’s season), Michelle K. (Jake’s season), Robert (Desi’s season), Dylan (Andi’s season), Elise (Juan Pablo’s season) and AshLee (Sean’s season).
No Michelle Money, Chris Bukowski, or Bad Hair Brooks just yet. Guess they’re coming into play later.
Highlights from the intros:
- Fake Clare, saying Marquel’s outfit was “on point” as if she’s Heidi Klum.
- Twenty seconds after saying how she was attracted to Marquel, Daniella says this about Graham, “To be honest I’m vibing on Graham a little bit. Maybe he’s flirting with every girl and maybe I’m just in delusional.” Either thator that liter sized glass of vodka you are holding is impairing your ability to think clearly.
- Fake Clare saying she had no idea who Lacy was, despite being on the same season.
- Ben getting treated like Vladamir Putin when he showed up. Everyone gave him the cold shoulder.
- Elise squatting down while walking down some stairs before she met Chris Harrison because she was wearing really tall heels.
- Elise falling in love with Dylan the second she gets in the bar area after meeting CHarr.
- AshLee saying she came on this show solely to meet Graham. That’s sure to end well. 7:29
- Marcus saying Lacy had nice eyes when he was clearing referring to her big boobs. No one was fooled by that one.
7:26 – Chris Harrison comes out and explains the rules. There are “Bachelor-style” dates and you can date whomever you want. However, there are an uneven number of men and women. This week there is one extra woman. Each guy has to pick a girl he wants to continue to “date,” the left out woman goes home. Next week it’s the ladies turn. Seems simple enough and just enough motivation to do whatever you have to do to stay in paradise longer.
7:27 – AshLee mentions Graham again. I’m starting to remember her from Sean’s season. I think she made it pretty far, even to a hometown visit, then showed her Stage 5 Clinger status and scared him off.
7:29 – Now we’re talking! Lacy and Robert are going for a swim together. It’s not even dark yet! The power of alcohol compels you! The power of alcohol compels you!
7:29 – And 30 seconds later Lacy has her legs wrapped around Robert like he’s a surfboard and she’s about to drown. Everyone notices. The tension is mounting. Since this week women have to find a guy who wants to keep them around, desperation is already taking a foothold. Love it!
7:30 – It’s finally evening and what is everyone doing? Drinking! But not Marcus, who is still not over Andi (allegedly). To get over it he goes night swimming in the ocean wearing the smallest, orange colored undies known to man. Walter White is baffled that that tighty-whities came in other colors.
7:35 – Lacy, not one to let a guy swim alone, jumps into the ocean and joins Marcus. What a good friend!
7:36 – Robert just proved he’s an idiot. After seeing a woman he likes run after another man, he’s not mad at Lacy, he’s mad at Marcus. Says Robert, “He’s stealing my girl. I’m not going to let anybody else go after a girl I’m interested in and sit on the sidelines. I’m going to take it into my own hands to get to know her more.” Seriously!?! Any normal guy would take this as a sign a woman isn’t interested. Instead Robert misdirects his frustrations at another dude. What. A. Sucker.
7:38 – Now Elise and Dylan are making out in the ocean. The poor Pacific Ocean has become the new hot tub. I’m so sorry PO.
7:44 – AshLee just admitted she stalks Graham on social media. Okay, she didn’t say the word “stalk” but after she said, “Graham and I are just meant to be” it was implied.
7:46 – Fake Clare gets the first date card. She picks Graham. Everyone sees this, AshLee’s claws come out momentarily, and then she retreats to the bathroom and proceeds to call him disloyal. Because you know, after 24 hours you have a life long connection.
7:49 – The AshLee meltdown continues, “She’s a slut (referring to Clare). She slept with Juan Pablo. You think she’s not going to make a move on him? She’s not pretty either.”
7:50 – Now Clare is crying! And talking to a raccoon! Or at least that’s how it’s edited. She could be talking to a producer or another contestant but it sure looks like she’s talking to a raccoon. This show is SO much better than “The Bachelor.”
7:54 – Clare sits down to talk to AshLee and it has the seriousness of the Yalta Conference. Clare backs down, offers to let AshLee (wearing sunglasses to hide her teary eyed face) go on her date, then agrees to choose a different guy to go on a date with. I don’t know if this is Clare being nice or some serious gameplay to make AshLee look like a weirdo. I’m hoping for the latter.
7:56 – Clare lets go of Graham, then goes to Plan B, Robert. Lacy doesn’t seem to be bothered by this at all, knowing she could throw herself at any guy and they’d respond.
7:57 – AshLee, despite getting what she wanted, pretends not to hear Graham calling her name as he tries to talk to her. If I read about AshLee murdering her husband after he talked politely to a waitress five years from now I won’t be surprised.
7:58 – Clare is a quote machine. Says Clare on her date with Robert, “We walked out to this beautiful vista. I don’t even know what a vista is but we walked out onto this vista.” Somewhere, Clare’s high school English teacher is banging his head on a table, wondering where he went wrong.
7:59 – Clare’s shorts are so short her front pockets are sticking out.
8:00 – Quote of the night, from Clare of course, “I’m literally speechless.”
8:01 – Clare just referred to herself in the third person. This show should be renamed, “Clare in Paradise” because she is just KILLING it.
8:05 – Since Clare is out with Robert, Lacy decides to chat up Marcus. Someone needs to explain the Marcus appeal because I just don’t get it. He looks like a slightly better looking Chris Bukowski, which isn’t much of a compliment. Maybe it’s the receding hairline, eyes that are too close together or his Tom Selleck level chest hair but I just don’t see it.
8:07 – Sarah gets a date card and asks Marcus to go with her. Poor Lacy is being sniped at every turn! What’s a gorgeous woman who throws herself at men to do?!?
8:08 – I really like Sarah but she’s wearing a one-piece bathing suit. That’s dropping her stock. Sorry Sarah.
8:11 – Lacy is the third person to cry tonight. She lets it all out while talking to Robert after his date with Clare. And by “letting it all out” I mean that she did the DeAnna Pappas fake tear wipe move to make it LOOK like she cried. Of course Robert bought it.
8:17 – Money whips out a date card. Guess who she’s interested in? Graham. She pulls him aside to chat. I think I just saw AshLee whip out a box cutter.
8:18 – Says Money, “Graham is one of the most important people in my life. It’s very clear we love each other.” So we know they’ve coitused.
8:20 – Michelle Money’s age is listed as 33. She’s been calling herself 33 for the last 10 years.
8:21 – It’s the next day. With Money on the scene, AshLee is scrambling, trying to prove to Graham that she’s not insane. She whips out a note from her mother that states as much. Okay, I made that last part up but it wouldn’t surprise me if she had such a note.
8:22 – Says the Mrs. about Michelle Money, “She looks pretty good for 50.”
8:23 – Money uses her date card to ask Marquel out. I’m stunned that a woman is interested in someone else besides Graham and Marcus. Stunned! Why isn’t Ben getting any love? Oh yeah, he’s a dick.
8:30 – Lacy just got a date card. She can’t decide between Marcus or Robert. In fact she’s so torn she’s, “80/40.” As in she’s leaning 80% towards one guy and 40% towards another. I’m guessing Lacy is a high school algebra teacher.
8:32 – Lacy asks Robert out. Marcus is now leaning towards One-Piece Wearing Sarah. There are a lot of relationships to keep track of. I need to start some kind of flow chart, otherwise I’ll get confused.
8:34 – Marcus is turning into the female AshLee. He’s all butt hurt about Lacy, saying how she broke down the walls he built up from the Andi heartbreak. There are so many emotionally damaged people on this show. What’s wrong with millenials?!?
8:40 – A very tan and a likely hammered Chris Harrison comes out to earn his ridiculous paycheck. He reminds everyone that two women are going home. The wildcards are Ben and Marcus. Ben is reveling in his power role. That’s the last guy in the world you want to give power over women to.
8:46 – Lots of scrambling going at the cocktail party. Sarah, Clare and Daniella are on the block, but we know for sure Michelle K. is going home. She’s had no airtime and doesn’t even seem to have tried to work on any of the guys.
8:50 – Final rose ceremony time! I’m thinking Michelle K and Sarah are sent packing.
8:52 – That’s weird. Michelle K. interrupted Marquel just as he was about to give out the first rose and she volunteers to leave. Then one of the guys says sarcastically, “I was going to pick her too.” Ouch. We don’t know who said it but I think it must be Ben.
8:54 – While in the exit limo Michelle K was asked if she thinks she’ll ever find love. Her reply, “Maybe it’s already happened.” She hinted that she might already be in a relationship earlier. That pretty much confirmed it.
8:55 – Graham gives AshLee a rose. Her bullying technique worked!
8:56 – Whoa! Marcus gives Lacy his rose! Take that Robert! Now I AM taking your woman.
8:57 – Robert gives Clare his rose because it’s his best option.
8:58 – Ben gives Sarah the final rose. Daniella goes home even after she reveals that Ben told her she was safe. We should get plenty of drama next week.
Final thoughts – I really liked Daniella. She was series’ version of Cochrane, telling the narrative of the show. Looks like Michelle Money will now be taking over that role…Lacy is playing the game well. She’s playing two guys against each other and they’re both too stupid to see it… It was interesting to see how competitive the women were this week. Next week, with the ladies in charge, we should see a whole different type of competition spirit with the guys fighting for roses…Judging from the preview for next week, Michelle K had her boyfriend in a nearby village. That would explain a lot.
See you all next week!