The following is a guest post about Big Brother 14 (and Seinfeld) from Rob Has a Website Contributor and Legendary Live Tweeter, @TheeSoopNazee
“You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn’t take it. This is an idiot.”
“Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect, for I am Costanza! Lord of the Idiots!”
“You’re all winners!”
“But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.”
-Conversation between Jerry and George, with cameo from Random Woman #245, The Apartment
Yes, it’s true; this week in the Big Brother House there has been a battle for the right to be deemed “Lord of the Idiots.” It’s a close race, and by the time I’m ready to crown Dan for throwing a challenge to avoid having a target on his back when he can’t even be nominated, Ian spanks himself with his key. While this week may have been about a game being played by 14 people who likely struggle with running their own lives, let alone a game for $500,000, this blog is all about The Hantz!
Willie Hantz is like the Drake. I love the Hantz. How could you not like the Hantz? “Who’s the Hantz?” The Hantz is good! Willie wasted no time in playing the Hantz card, as he told most people in the house who his brother is, and even made a deal with Frank seemingly hours before nominating him. But the best was yet to come. Willie kicked things into high gear sometime around Tuesday calling the house meeting that you saw and driving the house into a tailspin. I actually thought Willie came off as quite intelligent (in the BB sense), pointing out that the Coaches HAVE to be entering the game. No way that they’d play Big Brother with 10 people left after the first week and four veterans on the sidelines just “coaching.” Unfortunately for Willie, appearing intelligent in the Big Brother house is a death wish, because the number of intelligent people who have stepped foot in that house is far outweighed by the number of idiots that have stepped foot in that house. Mind you, going off the deep end afterwards didn’t help matters much.
To be honest, I’m not even sure what the fight was about, and I watch the feeds. After the meeting, people ran and told the Coaches what was said. During the meeting, Wil said he was taking a break from the game, and Frank reported that Willie had made fun of him. I didn’t get that, and I don’t know how Frank did, but judge for yourself. To be fair, Wil doesn’t exactly have the most masculine voice in the house to begin with. But the beauty about Big Brother is that nothing has to make sense. To sum it up, Frank’s a straight-talkin’ mother****er, and Willie is gonna eat his FrootLoops. Anyway, I’m gonna make a DiGiorno, anyone want to split?
At the start of the week, when I was preparing to write this blog, I was ready to talk about what a great position Willie was in. He was working closely with Britney and trusting her. He had a solid alliance of six that was about to decimate the strongest player on the other side. He was socially well liked, especially by JoJo and Ashley. But because of his foresight, I’m afraid my winner pick isn’t looking too hot after Week One. So as someone who, much like Britney, picked him out of the crowd to be a potential winner, I have something for him.
READ IN COMPLETE PRIVACY!
This is a huge turning point in this game. This is not fake, I wouldn’t waste your time or mine. Just by watching you throughout the years and the few polls you’ve had I feel I can trust you. That’s hard to find in Reality TV. Hopefully we are on the same page.
Create a poll tonight and save Willie. All the houseguests should be voting him out, so act
like you know he’s going home. You can interrupt and announce he’s been given a Coup D’Etat/Diamond Power of Veto/Hamburglar’s Secret Stash right before Chenbot starts reading the votes.
I think you should vote out Jenn and send her home. Let’s face it, she’s boring as hell. No matter what, when you fix the game, Willie’s safe for the entire week.
We will most likely want to vote again and Willie will be completely safe with us. Our millions plus Willie will remain strong ’til the Glaciers are done with. We can then work on getting ourselves into the Trending Topics on Twitter.
Hopefully I can trust you and you’re not truly a villain. Let’s do this together!
See you soon! BFFs forever. XOXO.
Destroy this right when you finish reading!
I always start my blog off with a semi-relevant quote from a Seinfeld episode that sums up the week in a few lines. This week’s theme, for me, was how stupid these people are. This also makes another section of my blog, The Awards, very hard to decide on, as no one played a good game, and everyone could be considered for The Costanza (see more after The Notes About Nothing).
At the start of the week, I was ready to give it to Dan (don’t send me hateful Tweets, I love Dan, but really…) Dan started Big Brother with a terrible draft and proceeded to lose a third of his team. His next stunt was throwing a Coaches’ Comp to not be seen as a target. While I strongly endorse the Dr. Will strategy of challenge throwing, why would you do it when you CAN’T be targeted. Even when Dan does, inevitably, enter the game, he will have Janelle and Boogie has far bigger physical threats, no matter how well he does. Now he’s down to one protégé. But when I was all set to “award” Dan with The Costanza, Ian came on my TV. Ian is more than a bit creepy, crouching and lying on the floor in pink boxers, spanking himself with his key, walking on the tips of his toes, dancing, streaking, you name it, and he’s done it. He also likes to stare at the girls when they shower. After I’m ready to “award” it to Ian, Willie comes in and throws the house into chaos. Then Frank decides he’s going to call Willie out when Willie’s ready to save him. It’s all one big mess.
Outside of the four names I considered, we have Britney and Janelle, who couldn’t keep Team BJ and the Subservient Six together for a single week let alone a finals run. There’s Boogie, who decides he shouldn’t bother to talk to the Coach whose player is in control until Day 7. We have Joe, who apparently saw Shelly play last year and really liked what he saw. Danielle’s disliked by almost everyone as the other girls make fun of her, dubbing her a “Stage 5 Clinger” for staring at Shane while he eats. Speaking of Shane, apparently he didn’t realize he could make deals until Kara approached him, and then decided it’s a good idea to win a PoV that does absolutely no good. Kara, Wil, JoJo and Ashley have played well, just because they don’t do anything. Then there’s Jenn, who I don’t even think I’ve seen on the feeds.
The Notes About Nothing
- The 2Face watch continues as Danielle looks incredible on the show, and absolutely terrible on the feeds. I haven’t seen so much acne since the Pimply-Faced Teen on The Simpsons;
- First Britney is known as the “woman who lost her dignity on a slippery wiener,” now it comes out that she has the strength of a six-year old. No bondage in the media though;
- On the feeds, it was discussed that Danielle had thrown the challenge and tried to help Frank win by stacking all of the dollars in one spot. Nope, she just sucked at it;
- I’m glad JoJo is pretending to be a tacky New Yorker, it’s always good to see someone take on a role so different from their personality;
- Where’s Will? #WheresBoogie? Riiiiing! Riiiiing! Nobody cares. There’s a new sheriff in town, and his name is Willie Hantz;
- According to Britney, Dan has magical powers. All I have to say is “That’s perverted!”
- Like his brother, Willie also cares about his appearance, so like the Hamburglar, Willies shaves his legs. Maybe JoJo is in to hairless dogs?
- Week One of The Contest Watch has ended. Everyone, to the best of my knowledge, has remained the Master of Their Domain.
The Sein: Awarded to the player who placed their order just right, this second ever Sein goes to…no body. Yes folks, this week, we witnessed what could very well be the worst first week of Big Brother strategy ever played. From Coaches to Hantzes, everyone dropped the ball. Luckily for us, train wrecks are equivalent to entertainment, so Soup For Us!
The Costanza: “Awarded” to the player who couldn’t get their order just right, this second Costanza goes to Britney. There were plenty of nominees for this week, as we’ve been over. But Britney takes the cake for actually going up to Willie and telling him that she thinks the Coaches will be entering the game, then goes on to explain, in detail, why she believes this. If there’s logic in this decision, I’ll never be able to see it. By setting Willie off, she basically ruins any chance she had at winning the $100K, so she had better hope that she’s right. (There’s also the whole issue of her tight-knit alliance with Janelle falling apart at the seams in just over a week.)
All of the craziness this week ended with Kara going home. Big Brother very likely just lost all of those people watching the Live Feeds on their three-day trial, and I’m going to have much more time on my hands. Time to enter that contest!
If 1700 words aren’t enough for you, you can always follow me on Twitter, @TheeSoopNazee, and hear my thoughts on Big Brother 140 characters at a time. You’ll also hear about #RHAFFL2, so gear up for that!
Also check out Andy Baker’s “Baker’s Dozen” Big Brother Blog, he’s gonna #RHAPSoopItUp