Survivor NZ: Nicaragua

Survivor New Zealand: Shannonymous

Logan Saunders recaps Episodes 15 and 16 of Survivor New Zealand and looks at the remaining seven contenders’ chances.

Survivor New Zealand: Shannonymous

Episode 15

Previously on Survivor NZ: Shannon’s double-dealing left her with a furious enemy waiting on Redemption Island. For some reason, Shannon allied with Shay while Tom repaired an old alliance. Tom knew he needed to win immunity and did it. Power fell into Tom’s hands and he chose his target. Shay mounted a campaign to vote out Barb, but it did not work. Tom’s plan worked, and Shannon prepares to face off against Jak and an angry Mike on Redemption Island. How will Shannon be received? Who will be the first person to win the FIRST EVER 3-way Redemption Island Battle?

You mean it’s not a duel when it’s three people? But Probst informed me otherwise. . .

Jak and Mike sit quietly on Redemption Island. Both laugh and clap when they see Shannon. Mike finds his island to be a bit crowded. Shannon prepares to sleep with one eye open and wants to hide the machete.

Uh, Mike is angry with you–not a homicidal psychopath.


The first clip at the new Casar camp has Avi bending over in front of Nate. Everyone discusses what happened at Tribal Council. They talk about the upcoming FIRST EVER Redemption Island Battle. Although Shay is referring to it as a duel.

Avi says his vote at Tribal Council ensures that everyone left in the game trusts him. Shay will still go to him. If Tom wins immunity, he will always protect Avi, and Nate and Barb have wanted Tom and Shay out over the past few rounds.

Avi’s endgame is not looking too shabby–well, not as shabby as Shabbir from Amazing Race Canada 5, but still.
Day 29. We have another Redemption Island scene. Shannon celebrates not being murdered in her sleep.

MIKE: What do you reckon is going on at camp?
JAK: The Geriatrics have taken their morning multivitamins and about to have their morning porridge spoonfed by their caregivers, Avi and Tom.

Shannon assumes Barb will be in the hammock as everyone approaches her for advice.

MIKE: Her? For advice?!

I forgot how long ago Mike was eliminated.

JAK: She put the hit on my head.
SHANNON: Definitely behind the hit on my head.
MIKE (sarcastic): Who put the hit on my head?
SHANNON: Uhhhh, I don’t know.
JAK: Her name will remain Shannonymous.

Brent and Caite think it was unanimous rather than Shannonymous.

Back at camp, Shay, Avi, and Tom speculate on Barb’s current state. Barb is in the hammock away from everyone. Shay jokes that Barb woke up to play for three days then went back to sleep.

Tom checks in with Barb. Anything to please the goats. Tom refers to Avi as naive. The conversation is relatively odd.

BARB: I don’t expect to go to three. I know it is odd to say I don’t want to, but I don’t feel like standing in front of a jury that mainly isolated me. I’d be mortified if I got to the three.

Wow. Barb loves playing these mind games.

BARB: I am quite fine to keep helping people get to the three.

Tom buys this. Oh my god. Barb is playing one of the oldest tricks in the book–“Don’t take me to the end because I really don’t want to win–Oh, it’s day 39? Yes, I do. I’ll win it.”

Shay makes a list of everyone’s favourite dishes. Barb says her children love her lasagna. Shay’s favourite is peanut butter toast with tomatoes. Kiwis say the word ‘tomato’ weird.

Nate is carrying rocks on the back of his neck. Avi and Tom note Nate is restless. Nate admits he dreamed of being at home with his family and going back to his job.

With only five people at camp, we tend to forget this season still has eleven days despite there only being four Tribal Councils left. In a typical season of the American version of Survivor, the last four Tribal Councils take place in the last four days. This will probably seem very, very, very slow to all of us as we watch these last few episodes.

Avi and Nate go on a water run into the jungle. Nate is worried about there being only two Hermosa people left and wants to see if he can work Avi over.

Tom and Shay are concerned about Avi going into the jungle to talk to Nate.

Nate tells Avi that he thinks he will struggle to survive the Final Four vote. Avi brags to Nate that Nate can trust Shay through him; he can also trust Tom through him.

AVI: They both really really trust me.

This should raise a red flag for Nate that maybe he shouldn’t be putting his fate into Avi’s hands and perhaps target Avi before Tom.

AVI: Apart from the vote that voted out Sala, one of my strengths in this game is that I know where all of the alliances stand and where the vote is always going. Nate is the only person who could throw a spinner into my plans.

Nate doesn’t strike me as the fidget type. He’s too Gen X for that.

Nate proposes a Final Four of him, Avi, Tom, and Shay. He asks Avi who would go at Final Four. Avi immediately responds Tom.

AVI: I’m not too tempted to vote for Tom at all, he’s my good friend and he’s my ally to the end. There’s no way I’d vote for him. I need Nate to trust me.

Nate notes that Avi is the playmaker and admits he is comfortable with Avi.

Shay and Tom are still talking back at camp. Shay thinks Avi will not trust anybody other than her or Tom.
Tom and Shay talk about trusting each other. Of course, the confessionals say otherwise.

SHAY: I don’t trust him, and I expect he doesn’t trust me either. . .if I have to mix things up later on, then I’m willing to do that too.

This is “later on,” Shay. There is always only three more rounds to vote somebody out, and one of those three will be dedicated to eliminating Mike when he does not win immunity.


We get our THIRD Redemption Island scene of the episode. Jak says he is getting into Mike’s head by saying he doesn’t want to be here anymore. Mike buys it completely; he thinks the next duel will just be a matter of beating Shannon. Mike thinks this will be the last duel/battle before somebody re-enters the game.

Uh, you know Redemption Island, South Pacific, and Blood vs. Water didn’t have the last re-entry until the main game had four players left, yes?

We are back to the jungle where Nate pulls Tom into the jungle. Shay thinks Tom and Avi are both struggling in the middle.

SHAY: Trusting somebody is not something that I’m comfortable with doing.

Hence why Shay has betrayed many people since the first Tribal Council of the game. Her paranoia may be her undoing.

Shay decides to lie to Avi and say that Tom told Nate to vote Avi out at four. Avi immediately has a conversation with Tom.

Having this round last four days is really shaking the hell out of this game. I haven’t seen this much uncertainty and everyone going after everybody for no apparent reason.

AVI: Maybe she misheard.
TOM: I don’t think she misheard, bro.

Avi believes Tom. Avi wants to have an aside with Shay then draw Tom in for a three-person conversation.

Avi has a lengthy conversation with Shay while we watch a spider reaping what it sows. For some reason, we never see them on screen during this whole conversation. Symbolism, I imagine.

Avi now doesn’t trust Shay. Therefore, Avi and Tom are an even stronger alliance than before. My god. Shay needs to realize she has to go with Nate and Barb to the Final Three or else she is screwed. Sadly, that is going to be tough when she has been going after Nate and Barb for the past couple of rounds.

Tom retrieves an invite. It’s a reward challenge invite. Everyone is stoked. They have to get dirty to get clean. They assume there will be a spa day of sorts. Avi says Tom hasn’t won a reward yet in this game. How tragic.

NATE: It’ll be an overnight.
BARB: No, it’ll be an afternoon. You’re dreaming!

Barb knows the budget of this series.

It’s another Survivor classic. Run under or over an obstacle and jump into a pile of mud. Then run back and pour the mud into a bucket. Whoever collects the most mud wins reward. You can’t carry the mud, per tradition. The reward is an overnight pampering at a boutique lodge.

HOST: Clean sheets on a comfy mattress.
NATE: Sheets! Sheets! . . One of the things I miss is sliding your hands across the sheets before you jump in. Yeah, sheets sound great.

Part of the reward is also a horseback ride. That’s what Barb wants because she likes horses. Like you’re gonna win this challenge, Barb. . .

The challenge begins. We watch Avi jump into the mud in slow motion. That is a bit of cheesy editing.

HOST: Nate looks like he is going to hold up a bank!

We call that a double agent.

This challenge has only a ten-minute time limit. We see more slow motion shots. I guess when this challenge lasts only ten minutes, you need to make up for it in the editing suite.

Tom does a cannonball into the mud pit.

HOST: A Bum Buster from Tom!

Or a bum buster in New Zealand, apparently.

HOST: Everyone wants this reward! It’s a beauty!

A bouty, you mean?

Tom always does an over-the-top jump or dive whenever he goes into the mud pit. It’s hilarious. I am amazed he doesn’t get injured. Tom does one last pointless dive into the mud pit after time runs out.

Shay does a Mud Angel on the ground.

Now for the results. First and second is separated by only two kilograms. Barb finished in second place. Wow. Her best finish in a challenge since the pre-merge stage.

Avi wins the challenge. Tom’s streak is broken. Luckily it is just a reward challenge. He slaps mud onto Matt’s shoulder.

Matt says Avi can only pick one person. Avi chooses Tom because Tom has never been on a reward. Nate likes that the challenge was a distraction from the game and Avi was the right guy to win it.

Matt says Avi can pick one more person. He chooses Barb. Shay is shocked Barb was chosen.

Avi tells us this was strategic. He thinks it will be wise for Nate and Shay to be left at camp because it will allow them to bond.

The reward does not happen right away. All five are back at camp washing off the mud in the ocean. Avi thinks winning a challenge will help his case at Final Three. Uh, whatever.

The strategy talk keeps going on. Barb may replace Shay in the alliance.

TOM: Barb has been doing too little too late.

OK, Jenna Lewis. Since when is Barb a Ramona?

Nate finds Avi’s choices for the reward to have no ulterior motive. Pick the guy who has had no reward and the person who finishes second. Man, Avi is good.

We get some snake imagery. Shay apologizes Tom. She is probably aware how bad her position is in the game.

Shay claims to be working on a backup plan and a backup plan for her backup plan like Big Boi from OutKast. I think both backup plans involve beating Mike at Redemption Island.

SHAY: I want to smell all of you when you come back.

It takes Nelson Muntz’s “Smell Ya Later” to a whole new level.


Avi and Barb bring their journals to the reward. Oh, this will be a social time.

Barb gets to ride horseback on this reward just like she said she would. Well I’ll be damned.

An Amazing Race pit stop greeter welcomes the three contestants to the hacienda. She sounds very American.
Avi and Tom proclaim it is the best beer they have ever had in their lives. Is it San Miguel?

Immediate strategic talk. Blah blah blah. The parrots are the only ones watching. Hopefully, the parrots do not go back to camp and say “Me, you, Barb Final Three! Polly wants a cracker!”

Barb wants to see Tom and Avi in the top three because she wants a deserving winner. She doesn’t really mean this, does she?

Nate and Shay awkwardly sit around at camp. Shay wants trust on a personal level rather than discussing strategy. Nate has a spacies machine, apparently. I don’t know what the hell that is.

It is now day 30 at camp with Shay and Nate. Pure silence. Nate looks like Grumpy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Tom, Avi, and Barb return.

Shay starts smelling Barb. Nate refrains from being one of his bloodhounds from the police station.

Barb downplays the reward. . .not from Nate’s perspective, though. That’s the scene.

Avi retrieves tree mail. No, not an immunity challenge. It’s a Redemption Battle invite. All five will witness it.

TOM: Battle. Not duel.

Tom pays attention to the wording.

Avi hopes Shannon can take out Mike during the du–er, battle.


It is our FOURTH Redemption Island scene. Jak calls Shannon on his Greg Buis-inspired coconut phone.

JAK: Mike and Shannon better watch out because Jak Thomas is coming pedal to the metal, white knuckle, full octane, no holds barred, adrenaline-pumping challenge winning mode initiated. Here I come.

Adjective overload. Does not compute.

FINALLY! Time for something that is a battle or an immunity challenge. Tom wants Shannon to win the battle. What else is new with the remaining five.

HOST: It used to be the home of the duel, but now it is a battleground! You just have to do one thing. . .You cannot lose!

The Amazing Race format, in other words.

Matt grills Shannon and Matt about their relationship. Everything is fine now.

HOST: Jak, who were you expecting to turn up?
JAK: I don’t know. I don’t make any bets in this game anymore. I usually lose.

Is that why he had to wear a loin cloth to Tribal Council as a punishment?

The FIRST EVER battle is another Survivor classic–stand on a perch with one hand raised above your head tethered to a bucket. Once the bucket tips, you’re out.

Everyone is surprised there will be another battle after this one. Mike was not expecting this at all. Avi is annoyed because he was smug about thinking he knew this would be the last challenge.

If only Dee was around to educate them on the Redemption Island format.

The battle begins. Jak has the most weight to hold. Mike might have too much muscle for a challenge like this. Jak is having a rough time with balancing on the small perch. Shannon should be safe.

Nate hopes Jak loses because Shannon will be the one to have another crack at Mike.

HOST: I am working up a sweat, and I am just standing here watching!

What. . .What does that have to do with anything? Maybe Matt is a Secret Ginger.

Ten minutes pass. Thankfully this is not in real time like the memory challenge. The host notes Jak wants this. Mike believes otherwise.

Fifteen minutes. Nate points out that Shannon’s elbow is bent while Mike’s toes are twitching. Jak’s hand is moving.
Shannon’s bucket tips before the end of twenty minutes. The five applaud but appear disappointed.

HOST: Your shot at redemption and becoming New Zealand’s first ever sole survivor is over. How you feelin’?
SHANNON: I feel pretty gutted.

And here I thought I was going to get through this whole episode sober.

Shannon throws her buff into the fire. She is gone before Mike.

HOST: Mike, have you moved on or was that pretty sweet seeing the back of Shannon right now?

As soon as she turned around,
There’s something he realized,
Yeah, she looks better from behind
She looks better from behind!

Matt is a bit of a pervert thinking Mike channeled his inner Chamillionaire when watching Shannon leave.

MIKE: No, I’ve moved on. She’s easily the strongest girl competitor.

(BARB and SHAY frown.)

So who is the strongest non-girl competitor, Mike? And the overall strongest competitor?

Avi now accepts the fact Mike is very likely to return.

Shannon said she came into the game and gave everything she had. . .until day 24, but she doesn’t mention that.
65 minutes of running time without an immunity challenge or Tribal Council when only five players truly remain.

Well, we know what they will be tweaking for season two.

bars3Episode 16

Well, the first part to the three-part Canada Day celebration. I am heavily intoxicated and decided to recap the sixteenth episode of Survivor New Zealand whiel drunk. I have already made ten typos in the first few sentences. This should be fun. I figure the only way to watch another slow episode is if I have been drinking.

NOTE: Due to personal health reasons, I will NOT be doing the “gutted” drinking game for this episode.

I don’t need to re-re-recap the ‘Previously On’ segment. I can’t believe finale week will have four full episodes in a row. The Redemption Island returnee presumably, the Final Five boot episode, the Final Four boot episode, then the live finale with Final Tribal Council. Meanwhile, Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X had the top nine players go to Tribal Council for seven consecutive days to end the game and did so in just 2.5 episodes from day 33 onwards.
If I was Tom, I would be crapping my pants at the idea of Michael returning to the game. Tom’s target grows the second Mike returns and is the biggest threat now that challenges are becoming more physical.

Finally, new content. Jak is shocked only one person was booted from the duel and thought whoever won would go to the Casar Retirement Village (not the Retirement Castle like from The Simpsons?)

Mike says Shannon will forever go down as the villain for Survivor NZ. Does he know Shay is still in this game, and Barb is in a prime position to screw the top contenders over?

We check back in with the Retirement Village. Everyone recaps what we just saw.

TOM: [Shannon] will be really gutted that she had to leave like that.

Normally I would take a drink, but I really shouldn’t.

AVI: You could see how gutted [Michael] was when he realized he wasn’t going to re-enter the game today.

I would be puking in the toilet by now.

Tom says it is time for him or Shay to go home at the next Tribal Council. Well, considering Nate and Barb are perceived as the two goats remaining in the game, there is a 66% chance of one of them being the next target. Perhaps the odds are even greater as Avi is becoming increasingly feckless by reputation. Mick Trimming is breathing a sigh of relief.

Shay says it will be impossible to eliminate Avi and Tom. Nate tells Shay that they need to separate Avi and Tom, especially when Jak or Mike will most likely return to the game.

NATE: Shay, Barb, or I are in a huge heap of trouble.

Yes, in the words of Dark Horse from the SNES game Sunset Riders, the Retirement Village is in big heap trouble.
Nobody can shut up about Michael. Have we gone a post-merge episode without everybody talking about how terrified they are of Michael returning to the game?

Avi and Shay talk strategy in the shelter. Avi tells Shay the truth about the discussion between him and Tom. Shay tells us this game is now a Sala Battle. Unlike a Redemption Island Battle, a Sala Battle is Head vs. Heart. Hopefully, both are better at a game of memory than Sala.

Shay trusts Avi but not Tom. What else is new after thirty-one days?

It is the following morning. Barb and Shay have their first one-on-one conversation since the start of the game. They talk about Nate collecting wood. Barb goes into an aside about how much she distrusts Shay and how Shay plants seeds of doubt. They call it a Shay Seed and it takes over nobody’s mind. It’s like the anti-Hantz Seed.

Shay and Tom strategize. Tom couldn’t be less engaged. Doesn’t Shay know she has burned the ropes on the bridge with Tom to a crisp? All he’s gonna do is rat out Shay’s lies.

Much like Phoenix Wright, Tom tells us he is only listening to Shay to hear her inconsistencies in who she wants to eliminate.

Shay is trying to gauge who secretly wants to go home, and intends to target whoever has their head least into the game.

Tom tells Nate that he is going after Shay this round, and trick Shay into voting Barb. The goal is to take away Sala and Shannon’s jury votes. Meanwhile, Avi’s goal is to have him, Tom, and Shay in the Final Three. Good luck with convincing Avi and Tom to take each other to day 39–er, I mean day 40.

Avi’s hands are blocking a shot of Nate in the shelter. Is there no other camera angle? I can’t take this conversation seriously haha.

Nate says there is something about Shay that he is not happy about. Maybe it is her nose, or not having the correct Kiwi accent.

Nate approaches Barb to verify if Shay has been spreading the rumour that he is homesick. Barb confirms the rumour. Nate has a headache about Shay, and it’s not a rumour in the words of Arnold Schwarzzenegger.

Old people keep gossiping about Shay. Barb has spent more time in a hammock than Chris Daugherty.

Everyone except Avi (and Shay obviously) are intending to eliminate Shay. Blah blah blah blah let’s just watch the day 31 sunset. It’s beautiful.

TOM: She is going to suck up votes.

Shay is the Kirby of Survivor NZ.

Nate knows Tom and Avi are building a jury. Um, you do know that the jury is merely a product of your actions, right Nate?

NATE: It’s called Survivor. Not Friends.

If it was called Friends, NBC would be very, very happy right now. They haven’t done sh*t since Survivor has toppled. Matthew Perry has five more failed TV pilots coming, and David Schwimmer is crying into a bucket of ice cream as we speak.

Avi says Tom is being forceful. Not, like, Bill Cosby forceful but probably like Tom Westman levels of forcefulness.

Avi brings back an Immunity Challenge invite.


You know it is near the end of the season when challenge invites are named after shitty alternative American rock songs. Steady As She Goes? In the words of the Angry Video Game Nerd, what were they thinking?!

Shay thinks Tom and Avi feel like they are in trouble. C’mon Shay. You really think Tom won’t be using his friendship with Tom to target you? Or the fact YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO DID NOT VOTE AGAINST SHANNON.

It is time for the immunity challenge.

MATT: You said you want to hear me say “Avi wins immunity”? Will you be throwing the kitchen sink at this?
AVI: Yes, and everything in it.

Hopefully, the sharpest utensil is a butter knife. . .or maybe a knife and fork so Matt can properly slice up his Pizza Hut pepperoni pizza.

The challenge is another Survivor classic. Balance a ball on your disc while standing on an inclined balance beam. Slowly walk down on the steep balance beam to make it tougher. This debuted with a slight variation in Survivor: South Pacific. If I recall correctly. Whitney won it, right? Then she was booted twenty minutes later after a Survivor quiz? No, wait. Sophie won two immunity challenges in the same episode.

Everyone survives stage one. We move to stage two. Avi is first out. He lost to Barb. I repeat, he lost to Barb.
Matt says the players are finding it hard with their balls on their discs. Tee hee. This seems inappropriate when we have a Mormon in play.

MATT: Tom is having fun with it!

Yes, Tom is having fun with his ball.

Shay is repeatedly shaking her head as her ball is frost bit shiverin’ like a Ying Yang Twins song. Stop teasing us, Shay. We wanna see that ball drop.

We go to the final stage at the end of the balance beam. Nate is out. Shay is out.

It is between Tom and Barb. Well, we know who is going to win this one.

Barb is out. Tom extends his immunity streak to four–one shy of tying the record, and two of breaking it. He is begging for Mike to be eliminated, I would presume. Imagine if a Kiwi is the first to break the global record?

MATT: Tom, you are unbeatable* and for others, that is becoming unbearable.
* Unless you are Mike or Jak. Oh, where are they?

The only person remaining in the game who can beat Tom is Avi when they literally get down and dirty.

Tom and Shay comment that Avi is ready to punch somebody because of repeatedly losing to Tom.

Tom and Shay note that Avi randomly starts sprinting along the beach. Is he idol hunting? Nah. Everyone is reading way too much into Avi’s spontaneous sprinting. I do that all of the time when I drink. Hell, I run half marathons–I randomly sprint when I am sober. How do I blog when I have so much energy all of the time?

Tom and Avi strategize as Avi cannot stop picking his nose. No joke.

TOM: If [Avi] has to take out Shay. . .he won’t be able to sell himself as he wants to because he hasn’t won a challenge, and has been relying on his integrity, but will have to sacrifice that if he votes out Shay.

Didn’t Avi win a reward challenge just two days ago?

Tom is convinced Avi will vote out Shay. I doubt it matters since only three votes are necessary to eliminate Shay.
Nate, Barb, and Shay sit together. Gee, who could they talk about voting out this round? The mozzarella stains on Matt’s shirt?

Nate tells us that Avi is a threat for being a lawyer and writing journals. Yeah, I remember Richard Hatch winning Survivor: Borneo because he wrote detailed journal entries within Dirk’s blank Bible pages while sitting nude in a hammock. Greg wasn’t even asking for a number between one and ten–he already had his mind made up because of Hatch’s journals.

Strategystrategystrategy. Avi and Shay talk. Barb is in a hammock as Nate talks to her in his Barney the Dinosaur-

Avi and Shay talk. Barb is in a hammock as Nate talks to her in his Barney the Dinosaur-esque purple hat.

Nate wonders aloud to Barb if Shay would turn against Avi. Barb is not biting. Nate thinks it would be a big move for Avi to boot Shay. Nate finds it hard to knife Avi, but believes he is capable to do it to Avi.

Hell, if Jak can show up to Tribal Council in a loin cloth, I can’t see why somebody is safe from being shanked by a police sergeant Tribal Council. At least it is not a taser.

Barb talks to Avi about Shay being the best candidate to send to Redemption Island.

Speaking of which, we get another RI segment.


JAK: It could be worse. We could be on Redemption Island. . .oh wait.

Hahahhahahaha. Jak has been on RI for so long that he is running out of comedic material.
Jak speculates about all of the angles regarding Tom. They discuss if Tom is vulnerable, and what would happen if Mike rejoins the game with Avi and Tom still in it.

JAK: I wonder what is happening at the Retirement Village.

Cue the Casar camp with Avi and Nate. Avi knows Nate is discreetly trying to eliminate him.

Avi and Nate start stepping onto the rocks along the ocean. What symbolism.

AVI: I am already feeling emotionally thin.

And physically thin. He needs a couple more rewards at a spa and ranch to put that weight back on.

Avi knows it could be ridiculous to boot Shay who wants to go to the end with him. Oh, the downsides of being popular.

Tom is scared of Nate because he knows Nate needs to make a move to win the game. Man, this paranoia is over-the-top.

TOM: I am nervous about somebody stirring the pot when the broth is already hot.

I. . .I have never used that variation of the saying before.

Nate says he will be taking all of his belongings to Tribal Council. Well, when you know you have a one-in-three shot of going home (because everyone knows Barb is safe until day 40), you should probably pack.

Avi thought he could get to the end without breaking his word, and realizes he cannot do that anymore. Are you fucking kidding me, Avi?

Avi does not want to go back on his word to Shay. Well, either that or you go back on your word with Nate. So. . .here we sit.

After nearly 90 minutes of running time since our last elimination, here we are back at Tribal Council. Matt wants to know how everyone is holding up after 32 days of being hungry, hot, and fatigued. They are Kiwis. Nobody is hot.

MATT: Nate, who are you doing this for?

NATE: I swear I didn’t want you to ask me that.

Neither did we. Crying, more crying, and even more crying about his kids.

Matt asks Avi how do you not turn on your own.

AVI: The point of having your own is not turning their own.

Shay says to not turn on her own and claims she did not put anybody on the jury who was her own.
Avi professes his love for Shay. They will have beautiful Kiwi babies.

MATT: Before we get to the vote, is there anybody who would like to say a word?
SHAY: I would.

The word?

SHAY: Pickleweasel!

Nah, she goes on a long shakwila. . .shaquarry. . .soliloquy.

SHAY: Based on the trust and words and conversations I have leading up to this, I SHOULD feel safe, but yet somehow I still very vulnerable. . .if things don’t go the way I want, I will be bummed and I will be disappointed.

Yes, Shay is feeling vulnerable because she has a suspicion that the person she is relying on to protect her, a guy who she has been gunning for since day one and is currently holding immunity, will not follow through and vote her out.

The five people cast their votes. Shay says that she has had a fun time watching the person who she voted for and how they played the game.

TOM: I have nothing to say.

Yeah, he’s voting Shay.

Matt reads the votes. I wish Jak was on the jury because he would try to outdo Lee’s moustache from the jury bench.
Avi pretends to look distraught as Matt collects the votes.


Too many Emojis on Survivor.

In an odd twist, Shay is the first person to be the final person sent to Redemption Island in both phases of the game. I hear facing off against Mike and Jak will be tougher than facing off against Georgia. It will be hilarious if she returns to the game for a second time. It would make Ozzy’s accomplishment look miniscule–because you know, playing a third time et al.


NATE: I never told you I wouldn’t write your name down. Don’t misquote me on TV.

Yeah, don’t misquote him in front of 4.6 million Kiwis and the forty-five international viewers who are following this season. Nate has a reputation to preserve–don’t misquote him or else his life will be ruined forever!

Well, it is now 3:27 am and I have been awake for nearly 24 hours. I must say the end of this review is about 15% soberer compared to when I started. I do not envy the copy editor who will need to check through the typos for my episode 16 recap.

In case you have a worse memory than Barb or Nate, the remaining episodes will air on four consecutive nights in New Zealand. I will do my damndest to split up my entries and have no more than two episodes in a recap post before the other two episodes air. No guarantees, though.


So let’s review this highly unusual scenario as we enter the last three rounds of the game.


1) Tom. Unlike Brad Culpepper, he can get everybody to respect his immunity wins and will receive a helluva lot of credit for pulling Avi onto his side despite being the obvious threat in the game. Tom could even win unanimously if Tom survives a Tribal Council without individual immunity.

Nate will likely murder Avi if Tom survives a TC without the talisman. That’d be a funny ending.

2) Nate. In a Harrison Ford manner, he misses his family. He may be clumped in with Barb, but he is much more social with the other players. Nate doesn’t sit in a hammock and make people come to him and bow before kissing his ring. I think he will win people over.

3) Avi. Will his authenticity be rewarded or is he too wishy-washy to the point of frustration? We may have New Zealand’s answer to Chase Rice. Just. . .Just don’t start playing country music, for the love of God. If he starts playing country music at FTC, Avi will be shut out 4-3-0.

4) Mike. His Redemption Island “game” and endurance will receive mad props.

5) Jak. Even if Jak returns, I can’t see him winning the last two immunity challenges. As soon as he loses, he will be voted out by the tribe. Everyone knows he can charm his way into the winner’s circle.

6) Shay. What if Shay wins the duel? Could Avi be emotionally manipulated to such an extreme that he refuses to vote her out again and complies with her wish to eliminate Tom or Nate?

7) Barb. Somebody else may wake up with a horse’s head in their bed because of the Godmother, but I don’t think the Godmother will wake up with $100, 000 in her bed after the finale is over.

So there you go. The first edition of Drunken Survivor NZ History is complete. Once the Canada Day weekend celebrations are over, the remaining episode blogs will be written under conditions of complete sobriety. That’s going to be boring for you to read, isn’t it?

Become a patron of RHAP