SurvivorSurvivor: Cagayan

Survivor: We All Have A Price

Confessional of the night: “In my business we go with the hard evidence. And just because you vote with us one vote doesn’t mean I believe you’re true. You did what you had to do in my opinion. That doesn’t speak of loyalty. That speaks of desperation and a wise move. You haven’t proven anything to me except you’re saving yourself. Show me blood on your hands from a former tribemate and then we’ll talk.” – Kass

The reason this is the confessional of the night is because it’s true. Unfortunately for Kass, she can’t keep the truth to herself.

After this being the intro and the way the episode (and season has) developed, it has me wondering why people do Survivor.

There are many reasons, of course. Adventure, fame and/or fortune seem to be atop the list for most.

Since we can’t calculate adventure, we won’t touch it. We can calculate fame, which for our purposes, is perhaps better defined as moderate success within the entertainment industry. Although, there isn’t much to cover in this regard. Chase Rice, Colby Donaldson, John Cochran, Parvati Shallow, Rob Mariano and ours truly, Rob Cesternino, are past contestants that best fit our loose definition. With 424 total contestants, that’s an astronomically high fame rate of 1.4%. Yikes.

Which leads us to the most popular and most calculable reason to do Survivor: FORTUNE.

One million dollars. That’s what the greedy ones are after. And as we’re all aware, only one person can claim that amount. The rest make $100,000 or less. But what we’re focused on is the potential to make $1,000,000 in 39 days.

Since the game is being played 24 hours per day, each hour is potentially worth $1,068.37 and each day is potentially worth $25,641.02. This breakdown assumes, for example, hour one is no different than hour 700 and day three is no different than day 36. I’d argue otherwise, but I fear that would involve calculus or some other form of mathematics more complex than elementary arithmetic.

Lets pretend you make $20 per hour and $160 per day at your current job. Lets also pretend you work 40 hours per week, 50 weeks per year for a total of 2,000 hours per year. That would mean each Survivor hour is potentially worth 53 times more than your current hourly wage and each Survivor day is potentially worth 160 times more than your current daily income. 53 and 160! Holy multiples.

Each Survivor season consists of 936 hours over the course of six weeks (minus three days). That means if you were to play two seasons of Survivor per year, it would potentially be the equivalent of working a full-time job over the course of 12 months.

While we stated the potential of earning $1,000,000 should be our focal point, what happens if you don’t win? What happens if you come in second place for $100,000? What if you come in ninth? Would playing Survivor be worth it then?

We all have a price and we all have our reasons to back it up. My price is $1,000,000 and my reasons would appear hideous in detail, so I’ll keep them to myself. But I still want to know…

What’s Survivor worth to you?

Time for “10 sentences or less” WITH finisher predictions. Due to the last episode being an amazing clusterf*ck and the ‘Tyler Perry’ Idol potentially being found this week, I’ve barely altered my predictions. Focus on the content, not the numbers and don’t get mad. I’m not mad. Not yet. Lets go!

11. Sarah @sarahlacina

Oh god Cops ‘R Us to Ponderosa Is Me[/caption]

I got okie doked! I put all my eggs in the emotional basket of Sarah and look what it got me; egg on my face! I hate when you act like women are the only ones with emotions. You’re being unfair.

Oh stop your moaning. She had this. She HAD this. And I should have seen it coming. Because after all, I’m a genius. You’re a genius because you SHOULD have seen it coming? Yup, that makes total sense, Oh Brilliant One!

First, she got offended when Kass questioned her loyalty. What was she suppose to do? Be a chameleon! Indulge Kass. Kill her with kindness. You make it sound like it’s an easy thing to do.

You’re right. It’s hard to do… for most people. But it’s the correct behavior. It’s my duty to fulfill you with the appropriate knowledge to take this game by storm. Your duty IS doodie. Oh yeah, that’s real mature!

Back to the cop. Second, she couldn’t lie to Tony. All she had to do was swear on her badge and figure it out later. She takes pride in being a police officer. We need more Sarah’s in this world. That’s nice, but that’s not how you win Survivor.

Third, she threw a hissy fit. A HISSY FIT. To the members of her tribe. Throw a hissy fit in your confessionals all you want, but to your tribemates is Survivor suicide.

Lastly, she had a chance to vote out Jefra and keep her options as open as Brice’s— STOP. Still not a fan of dirty jokes I see. I’m saving you from embarrassment.

It’s time Sarah’s Survivor journey is wrapped up like the victims she comes across in body bags. WHAT THE HELL? Do you have to be so inhumane? Whoops. I usually keep that side at bay.

To end on a positive note; I love her accent, smirk and good sportsmanship. Props to Sarah.

10. LJ @LJMcKanas

What the


I actually don’t think LJ is going next, but with what’s transpired this season, why the hell not? I can never tell if you’re being serious and it’s really annoying. Get in line!

First things first: When he was seemingly in danger of going home, he held on to his Idol tighter than I’d hold on to Alexis and when he was guaranteed three more days in the game, he gave up his Idol quicker than I’d give up my love to Alexis.

Eh, that was confusing. Yes, it was. Maybe you should stop trying to squeeze Alexis into your columns. If I could squeeze her into my life, I wouldn’t have to write her misguided love letters.

Simply put, Idols don’t grow on trees. They do for alpha males. Whatever. Not whatever. Watch, he’ll find the ‘Tyler Perry’ Idol next week and coast to the end. Sigh. If that happens for him or anyone for that matter, I’ll be bummed.

Prepare your bum. Excuse me? You know what I mean! Brice, is that you?

9. Woo @YungWoo23

Woo wins

Is it the shoes?*

“How you feelin’, Nick?”


Replace ‘Nick’ with ‘Woo’ and you have Tony’s and Woo’s exchange during the final stage of the Immunity Challenge.

It must be fun having a verb as your name. What!? Is nick not a verb where you failed elementary school?


You inserted a sad face! What you said hurt so much, I had no other choice.

Besides showing balance skills this episode, Woo showed observation skills. He, along with Trish, correctly asserted that Sarah was long gone and never coming back to the remaining Brawn.

While it proves Woo possesses the social awareness needed to compete in Survivor, I’m guessing his lack of airtime is due to his lack of impact on the game. He might not give in-depth confessionals either. This is probably less a ‘might’ and more a ‘definitely’. His confessionals are most likely all positive in nature; which must be limiting from a character development standpoint.

Woo should be safe for a while, but as soon as he loses a later-game Immunity Challenge, he’ll be sent packing. You have him going out after the upcoming episode. What did I say earlier!?

*”Is it the shoes?” is an NBA Jam reference. I birth so many full circles you should start calling me Square One.

8. Tony @tony_vlachos

Idol city

The gift that keeps giving

Is this the only situation in life where a cop would want to plead his case to a jury? Uh…

Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here through May 21st.

Unfortunately, I don’t think he’ll get a chance to plead his case. The only people that would take him to Final Tribal Council are Trish and Woo. Don’t rule out Kass! Knowing Kass, she would want to get voted out so she could cross-examine him.

Oh my god, I’m killing it with my jokes right now. In one of your first columns I remember you saying this column wouldn’t be about you.

I was the new guy back then. I was using humility to get you on my side. That act’s over, baby!

I’ll push my egotism aside to make the following remarks about Tony:

He’s the only person I’d be satisfied with winning the season. Well, maybe there’s room for one more. I’ll get to them later, though.

The thing about Tony is, it doesn’t matter if his gameplay is right or wrong. The only thing that matters is Tony’s playing the game. It’s partly driven by the fear of boredom or more positively put, the desire to have fun. And I’m thankful for that because it’s exactly what the continued rebirth of Survivor needs. Says the broken record. I’d like to break one on your head. You can’t. It’s already broken. Fine, I’ll just scratch your eyeballs out with the pieces. You’re psycho!

If he wins, it’ll be the most entertaining first place finish Survivor has ever seen.

7. Jeremiah @JeremiahPWood


Nope, scratch that #1

This sh*t again?

F*ck me.

If I can’t come up with something, I should shoot myself.

Wait, I should shoot him.

Yeah, it’s his fault.

F*ck him.

6. Jefra @JefraBland


Tears to smiles

Are you crying? Are you crying!? ARE YOU CRYING!?

There’s no crying BEFORE you get voted out! She loves the game and wants to be part of it. Unlike that piece of sh*t Lindsey who stole my or someone else’s spot. Lindsey stole your spot, huh? Basically. Well, I have tough news for you. YOU NEVER HAD A SPOT.

I applied and had an opportunity though. Yes. Yes, you did. But how’d that work out for you?

Why don’t you leave Jefra and I alone, Nick? Oh you zip it, Doris!

This entire section was dedicated to Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own. You should really click that link. It’s a phenomenal scene.

You should write about each of these remaining women as you would write about your mother. Well played. And no thanks.

5. Trish @TrishHegarty


Put her work in a gallery

I can’t believe I’m going to say this. I can’t believe I’m going to say this. I can’t believe I’m going to say this.

Trish is the other person I would be satisfied with winning.

I’ll probably take this back next week, but Trish is making moves. Massachusetts represent! Oh god, I’ve made a terrible decision.

As a pilates instructor, she should be all about bending, but not breaking. Yet Trish saw a crack and made it a break.

I could have done without her confident walk towards LJ and Tony informing them Kass was with them and Sarah was going to be the vote. Although, I won’t lie; she earned to walk with that bravado after her masterful manipulation of Kass.

Her tone and approach was magnificent. It was inquiring, yet suggestive. It was a thing of beauty under incredible pressure.

Gosh, I loved every second of that scene. It was art.

If she can make it to the end with Tony, I’ll let Trish bend me any way she wants. GROSS!

4. Morgan @_morganmcleod


Nope, scratch that #2

I wouldn’t need to win a Reward Challenge for comfortable pillows.

I want to be a yoga mat.

How is her purple top staying up?

Why can’t her purple top fall off?

If I were a woman, I don’t think I would enjoy having large breasts.

Well, I wouldn’t enjoy having large breasts as a man either.

If beautiful women had good personalities, they would rule the world.

I think she said one thing this episode: ‘nookie’. I mean, ‘cookies’.

If she only said one thing, how come I saw her cleavage so much?

Why am I complaining about seeing her cleavage so much?

Does she have cleavage or does cleavage have her?

I should move onto Tasha…

3. Tasha @missfoxytasha


U-turn Tasha

Where’d Tasha go!? I found myself tolerating her. That says more about you than it does her. Oh, I agree.

But regardless of my finicky taste in humans, she was pretty solid in the mediation of Kass and Sarah. She listened, she was understanding and she didn’t care who was right or wrong. All she wanted was to mend the relationship between two five-year-olds. Did I read that right? You’re in Tasha’s section and you’re taking a dig at SOMEONE ELSE? She’s your new favorite!

She’s my favorite much like Phillip Sheppard is Survivor’s. I thought you were going to be nice to Tasha this time? You egged me on. That’s because you still have egg on your face. Square One is rubbing off! Really? Third person? Keep it up, Monica Culpepper.

2. Kass @KassMcQ

Oh boy

A brain filled with envy

Blunt Kass was back in rare form. Don’t you mean #ChaosKass? Although appropriate, I’d rather not go with her self-served nickname. Aw, but it sounds better than Blunt Kass. I won’t flatter her and neither will you!

I can’t believe I said Kass has a chance at winning in last week’s column. How could I forget Kass has truth serum laced with tactlessness running through her veins?

Hey! That’s a great nickname. Tactless Kass! Sold. I’m glad we can be friends. Get back to Kass. I’m not here to listen to your feelings. Sounds familiar!

Everything she did was comical. In a nutshell: Sarah was going to be the swing vote. Kass was jealous of her TEMPORARY power. Kass flipped.

Is this what happens when you pit two emotional women together? Men can be emotional, too! Sorry, I mean, people. Either way, it was a pleasurable outcome. I was fearful we were on the verge of a pagonging. But thanks to Kass and Sarah, we still have a game. Thanks, LADIES! You suck.

Time to alienate more readers! People who get angry about the way Survivor player’s play the game have the emotional intelligence of a bull being enticed by a moving object.

1. Spencer @SpencerBGM


Seat for sale

I’m off the Spencer bandwagon and doubt I’ll be jumping back on anytime soon. I just can’t do it.

He hasn’t done anything. All he does is survive. And yet you still have him number one.

I still think he wins based on what we’ve been shown. Or maybe it’s the producers’ way of trying to get us to root for him even though he fails, à la Malcolm Freberg? The latter! After saying it out loud, the latter seems most likely.

This upcoming episode should be a clear indicator if he’ll stay here or fall off like he did in the Immunity Challenge.

If you’re having issues with me saying Spencer has been unimpressive, please make note of this: If he was a quality player, he would have kept Kass in-line. How can you expect him to do that? I don’t. That’s what the greats do. Great players are not only in control of themselves, they’re in control of everyone else.

Never forget that. Well said. As always, I know.

Thank you for bantering with me. It was a pleasure.

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