SurvivorSurvivor: Cagayan

Survivor Cagayan Running Diary: Episode 5 – We Found Our Zombies

Hey welcome back. My randomness to start us of this week before the show starts is wondering what it would be like if Survivor had a real musical theme song to start the show. Every year they would use the cast to film a cheesy 90’s style opening credits for the show. Something like this:

God, Fox really liked that lead singer from this song, because they gave him this show (The Heights), let him sing the opening song for the show and then when this show got cancelled they threw him on 90210, which then destroyed his career because he played Donna Martin’s abusive boyfriend Ray Pruit, only he played it a little too close to home (Caution the acting is so real here that it feels uncomfortable)

…lets get onto the show right?


Previously on Survivor: Trish cackled more than Gary Oldman in Dracula.

Trish wants to explain herself. Trish and Lindsay quickly get into it. They aren’t going to get along, it’s like the Bloods and the Crips…this isn’t going to end well.

Lindsay finally full fills her promise and excessively talks with her hands, which I have been waiting for this whole season after the promising intro video that CBS had of Lindsay. There’s just something about hand-talking that I love, but its in my blood as an I get it Lindsay…I get it.

Lindsay leaves the camp. Its not quite Moses getting banished and fleeing the city but its close, right? Did she understand what game she came to play? I mean you understand that every vote is not going to go your way right?

 L.J pretends to be worried for Lindsay’s safety for six seconds. It was intense….Not Mel Gibson in Ransom “Give me back my Son!!!!!!” intense, but you could feel the fear and concern from LJ coming through our TVs.

Jeff Probst emerges from the darkness. Was he waiting the whole time? Was it staged with a script? Is that log she’s sitting on a prop? Was Jeff having a Taco at the catering tent when one of the Other’s came to him and told him that Lindsay wanted to leave the island? Maybe Locke or Desmond could have helped talked her out of it. This would never have happened if Jack was still alive. These were the things I was thinking about during this moment.

Jeff fills in the rest of the tribe at the camp. It wasn’t exactly a somber moment. It wasn’t Gandolf The Grey giving himself up in Lord of the Rings as far as someone sacrificing themselves for the good of the group..Basically everybody is happy that she is gone.

Woo tries to pretend that Lindsay quitting means a “clean slate” for him and the rest of the tribe…I don’t share your optimism Woo, I think it means the exact opposite of that. It means the numbers are even worse for you buddy.

Commercial –Do we really need a country music awards? There’s like four songs released in a year that don’t sound like every other country song of the last forty seven years. Is Garth Brook’s still around? I miss his black & white digs.

Alexis either just had a seizure or an orgasm when hearing that Lindsay had quit..settle down Alexis.

We get a look at the competition which looks like is going to be thee old knock the drinks off the waitresses tray competition. This looks like it could be a fun one.


Spencer with a huge upset against Woo. I would have thought that a martial arts instructor would have brought more to the table then that. I’m not saying Spencer is Timmy Lupas from the Bad News Bears, but you think Woo would have been favored in Vegas at 2/1 odds at least against Spencer.

Sarah stalks Jefra like shes a Velociraptor. Jefra spazzes out and loses…”Clever Girl”

Jeremiah in his awful outfit loses on pure principle to L.J.

Tony Gollum charges Morgan like a bull. Everyone watching looks horrified. Morgan has too much grace and class for this competition. All is forgiven Morgan.

Woo Vs Spencer: The Rumble in the Jungle. Spencer is standing like he’s in a 1867 duel or sword fight. Is this how sword fights looked back in the day in France and England? It’s not the most masculine way to stand. Were women turned off back then watching men cross swords? I would rather lose then do what Spencer is doing right now.

All is right in the world as Woo takes Spencer down this time. Do we think Woo teaches the Kobra Ki style of martial arts wherever he trains people or what

Tony for some reason has the clue to the idol. I touched on this before, but I really feel like Tony is not playing survivor, I think in his mind, he thinks everybody there is trying to kill him and so he is planning on striking first. Basically Tony is playing The Hunger Games while everybody else is playing Survivor. I’m at least sixty percent sure he has identified Woo as his biggest threat and is trying to lure him away so he can murder him with one of the nine weapons he has acquired since day one of this game. I don’t remember, has there ever been a physical altercation on any season of Survivor where random off camera crew members had to come in and break it up? Can someone check on this please, because I really want to see that.

Jeremiah has the clue for the other tribe but it’s a trap set by Tony Gollum to lure Jeremiah into his Survivor death. Pretty savvy move for someone who’s under as much emotional stress as Tony is in, fighting for his life in his mind every second.

Tony G gets over excited sharing how he screwed over Jeremiah, you can see the terror in everybody else’s eyes with every word he speaks. I think everybody in the game is starting to get a general idea that Tony is a little off. I wonder if this will actually help is game? People like to avoid crazy, maybe this will go down as the best unintentionally brilliant strategy of all-time.

 L.J, looking like he’s taking a dump in the water he’s sitting in, tells us that he doesn’t trust Tony. This L.J must have a sixth sense or something; I mean how did he pick up on Tony’s shadiness? Maybe L.J is like Walken in the Dead Zone and once he touch’s someone he can see if their good or evil.

Spencer is eyeing Alexis and not in the creepy-awkward way you would think. He’s not buying what she’s selling.

Jeremiah tries to explain himself to Spencer and Alexis, telling them the truth. Clearly they lack the sixth sense that L.J has because they’re not buying it. This could spell doom for Jeramiah.


Do any of you girls out there watch The View rip off, The Talk? Why is Darlene from Roseanne one of the co-hosts? She seems like the most random person to have as a co-host ever. I mean did Tina Yothers say no first?

Were back for the immunity challenge, which looks like its taking place where the Dharma Initiative houses were before they got ripped up or something. I know, two Lost references in the same night.

We get a maze for this competition. It looks like their running through the early foundation of the Swiss family Robinson’s house.

God I loved that movie. All three of the children/teenagers in that movie were all main stays in the Disney stable until they were put to death for turning twenty one years old.

“Tony’s got the machete” is not something Jeff should shout so casually. It would be like Shouting “Jeffrey Dahmer has a head in the oven set on broil with some fresh asparagus.”

We get a puzzle! Where is J’Tia when you need her, one of these tribes could really use her right now…and that would be the tribe she’s not on…boom…am I right or am I right or am I right…

I will be here all night…..or until 9pm.

 L.J is dominating the Puzzle. L.J survived a huge bullet last week and really looks like he’s in a good spot. No joke here…I got nothing.

Commercial Rant: My random irrational, boarding on dick-ish Facebook rant for this week that I know you’re looking forward to is around mom’s that treat their toddlers like there a Mr. Potato Head with their wardrobes. I get it that its cute when organic, like when a kid tries on his older sisters dress, but when it’s the mom sticking them in hipster skinny jeans or bow ties or anything really that’s only purpose is to generate likes on a social media site, it really gives me the douche chills. Kids want it simple; shirt, pants or shorts and then a coat if it’s cold. You don’t need to put seven items of clothing on them with eight different accessories, because you want a real life dress-up doll to show your friends so they will reply on Facebook with “Omg, seriously your kid should be a model”. When it comes down to it, I think that’s the motivation that were looking at here; confirmation from your Facebook/Instagram community that you have a cute kid. I will save you the time, we get it, your kids are cute, now take the fedora hat and suspenders off your one year old, because chances are they hate it and are going to grow up hating phone camera’s like Kanye West hates the paparazzi.


Alexis “I hate tribal council, it’s like the worst place in the world” said in Paris Hilton’s voice.

Alexis throwing Jeremiah under the bus to Spencer and Sarah. Spencer looks like he’s not buying it. Sarah has a “I don’t care what she’s saying along as it means I’m not getting voted off tonight” look. Sarah looks like she is playing this smart, lying in the weeds, because she was put in a real tough spot after the merge.

Sarah gives us a George Bush senior, “read my lips” like moment, when she tells the people in the wading pool that they need to listen to what she is saying, that you can trust her. Speaking of George Bush senior, Do you think he was amazed that George W Bush, the Fredo of The Bush family became President, but his handpicked, intelligent, “chosen-one” son has lost his political swag in Jeb Bush? That’s what happens when you name your son Jeb, you’re basically telling him that he has to play against a stack deck from the very beginning. Can you imagine ever having a president with the name Jeb? I mean I guess in the early years of our country it was possible…but not now right?

Kass looking a little Frisky, hair down a little seductive. Haven’t seen much of Kass in a while. Maybe this Kass/Jeff Probst hidden, forbidden romance has legs, because Kass is looking like she has a twinkle in her eye with Jeff nearby. Lets all agree to keep an eye on these two, capice?

Spencer is looking like the love child of Kim Basinger and Garth from Wayne’s World. He looks like he’s gaining more confidence as each episode goes on. Two episodes ago he was a dead man walking, now he looks ready to make a deep run in this game.

Tribal Counsel-Alexis trying to steer the convo towards getting Jeremiah out. Looks like she’s facing an uphill battle with that.

Let’s just say Tasha does not have the best poker face. She always reacts to anything anybody say’s at tribal like she’s watching Dustin Hoffman reveal himself for the first time in Tootsie.

Morgan has a purely evil grin on her face as Jeff is reading off the votes, very entertaining. Somehow Morgan has potentially slid herself into a very good spot it seems..maybe mid jury…proud of you babe.

Alexis makes the “I can believe I just got blindsided” face…one of the better one of those I’ve seen in awhile. She exits with tears… Sorry Alexis…I think this calls for an emotional goodbye song for you….

We get to the end of a pretty good Survivor episode. It looks like the three remaining brain tribe members are in a really good spot, at least until the final merge happens. It does seem like that tribe(Spencer tribe), whatever name their using that I’m too tired to look up, is in trouble against the other contrived, forced exotic sounding tribe name that has L.J on it, because that tribe seems stacked for competitions. I think next week is going to spell doom for Jeremiah if that tribe goes back to tribal counsel. I think Woo could be the marked man on the other tribe if they have to go to tribal. Thanks for reading, excuse my grammar errors….See you next week!

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