SurvivorSurvivor: Cagayan

Survivor Stream of Consciousness: Big Trouble in Little Tony

Welcome back. While we’re waiting for Survivor to come on, I can give you an update on my online dating progress and how it’s related to Survivor. If you’re not interested in this portion (I don’t blame you if you’re not), then just fast-forward to the 8 p.m. mark of this blog.

First and foremost, in the game of Survivor, when you first attempt to make an alliance with people, you really need to vet them to make sure their craziness is manageable. Well, with online dating, it’s very similar. It’s like buying a used car. You get to see the people’s “ads”, which includes their make and model, such as age, weight, and ethnicity. In Survivor, you go by your first impressions in the beginning stages of the game and have to align with the people you click with right way. In the online dating world, you look at pictures until you find one that catches your eye, and then you pray the pretty girl is not really a 48 year old Asian man trying to catfish you. (Nothing against Asian men… I just have a funny story about a friend…and “friend” is not a code word for me, but a real friend). In Survivor, once you select those you want to align with, you cross your fingers that their natural levels of craziness are manageable. This can be very hard with dating because sometimes these online girls are similar to good magicians who know how to use sleight of hand and other simple tricks to fool us guys in order to hide their inner Sybil.

The bottom line is, that like Survivor, you don’t get to have a perfect option most of the time for an alliance mate, or in this case a dating mate. You have to understand that you’re dealing with girls who have kids already, are straight out of a marriage, are dipping their toes in the water but then taking them out real quick, and haven’t mastered that sleight of hand that I talked about earlier. So far, I haven’t found that simple January Jones + Jessica Alba combo I’ve been looking for. I think this is why the previous generation got married and had six kids by the time they were 24 years old. How else could they meet possible life partners besides bars and blind dates set up by their friends? With that said, it’s just about 8 p.m., so let’s stop wasting our time here and get to the game.

8 p.m.

Previously on Survivor (Jeff Probst’s voice): Just to rub it in, we’re going to bring up the two idols that L.J. and Tony wasted in the stupidest idol play in Survivor history two weeks ago. Morgan’s lifeless body got carried to Tribal Council and voted off. Kass and I had a quickie by the bonfire after everybody was sent back to tribal and I gave her a promise ring. Tony acquired another weapon which brings his grand total to seventeen different weapons, a new Survivor record!

Black-and-white Survivor starts with a really disturbing shot of some unidentified creature with demonic eyes. I think it might have been a rodent of unusual size:

Tony comes back to camp and gets super-confrontational with Spencer. I wish he were holding one of his nineteen weapons while he was doing this. Seriously, this is the first time all season he hasn’t had a weapon in his hand. Tony is heated and overly hand-talking. People look stunned and unsure how to proceed.

L.J. and Trish have a private conversation. L.J. looks like he’s the reverse Benjamin Button and is aging ten years from episode to episode.

Tony and L.J. have a bro talk. Tony seems to respect L.J., but then in the private confessional he says he wants to lure L.J. to his Survivor death.

L.J. tries to placate Tony by saying he is down for getting rid of Woo after Tony suggests that. Tony looks like he is having a stage five panic attack as he’s scrambling to make something happen here tonight.

There really is not a firm alliance this season, it appears. It seems as if there are two clear sides with a lot of wiggle room to make something happen, more so than in past seasons. Am I wrong? There is no firm alliance with anyone at this point.

Commercial: Ben Stiller has a new movie coming out. How do we feel about Ben Stiller at this point? I feel that he hasn’t been in a good movie since Tropic Thunder. He always does three comedies where he first plays straight-laced Ben Stiller put in a zany situation. Then he does the emo Ben Stiller drama where he doesn’t say a lot and just looks depressed the whole movie until he finds his inner peace in something awful… like some free-spirited woman or something like that. I miss the old Ben Stiller when he would do funny characters like the ones in Cable Guy and Happy Gilmore.

We come back from commercial and it looks like Kass has been voted designated Reader of the Scrolls after Morgan’s tragic death. It seems the reward is going to be a spa-like visit. I wonder if they will get another ridiculous sponsor like last week’s Outback Steakhouse.

We’re getting another Tony confessional, which is about the fourth one already and we’re not fifteen minutes into this episode yet. Last week Spencer was the star of the show and it worked out well for him, so maybe this bodes well for Tony?

The cast gets split into teams of three and somehow Spencer, Tony and Jeremiah end up on the same team. They start the competition off in blazing fashion. This is going to be a slaughter.

Seriously, L.J. looks like he’s fifty-eight years old.

Tony catches fire with the bounce-the-sandbags-off-a-mini-trampoline-into-mini-net-thingies. This was a trouncing. Everybody looks disgusted.

8:15 p.m.

Commercial: Another new Johnny Depp movie that I guarantee will suck. Seriously, how much goodwill does he have left in the bank from Pirates of the Caribbean Part 1? Can you think of one Johnny Depp movie other than Pirates 1 , in the last fifteen years that was watchable? Being cool has cut him some serious slack over the last decade, because if he were Ben Affleck or someone like that, he would have been sentenced to playing the lead in some horrible rom-com with Jennifer Aniston. I’m convinced to this day that he played Willy Wonka with Michael Jackson as his inspiration, which by the way sucked. Tim Burton and Johnny Depp need to stop making CGI monstrosities together like Alice in Wonderland and start making Edward Scissorhands sequels or something.

Woo brings us back from commercial, distraught that he’s missing out on mimosas. He’s happy that Tony is allegedly doing reconnaissance for him with Spencer and Jeremiah. Seriously, how bad have Woo’s instincts been all season? Can we make a list of the all-time worst instinct Survivor players of all time? The players who thought they could read people’s intentions really well but were always dead wrong. I would love to see that list.

L.J. is not only looking older, but he’s also thinking like an old person who’s lost it because he’s saying that he can trust Tony.

It’s Trish, L.J., and Jefra talking on the canoe, although Jefra might just be a prop because she’s not moving or saying anything. Maybe she is trying to hide from them. Trish is determined to keep her side united and vows to control Tony. Can you really control a Tony? It’s like saying you can control Cujo.

Spencer gives himself a pep talk in his confessional thinking he can win over everybody with his hard work and charm, basically…Oh, Spencer…hold on tight to that idol.

Wow, words can’t explain how great it is to see Tony in a kimono casually relaxing. He should wear that for the remainder of the season. I wish we could vote on what they wear. I would vote for Tony to wear that kimono and for Spencer to wear the pajamas that the kid from Where the Wild Things Are wore every day. L.J. is aging to the point that he looks like Tom Skerritt, so I would vote for him to wear his uniform from Top Gun and say things like “Tony, your new reo alliance mate will be assigned tomorrow. If not….give me a call…I’ll fly with you I’ll be in an alliance with you”.

The boys talk serious business while getting their feet rubbed. Is this a Survivor first? Tony comes up with some serious BS to win these guys over. It looks like Jeremiah might be buying it, but Spencer is not so eager to join #Tony.

Tasha brings us back from commercial. She points out that she’s screwed unless someone flips. She thinks L.J. is smart enough to see through Tony and wants to approach him. If L.J. is now trusting Tony, then he’s definitely not the person whose intelligence you want to appeal to. Seriously, L.J., you have played great this whole season. Don’t let the wheels come off now.

Pretty funny… L.J. stands up Tasha and her offer to talk game in the deep-conversation, secluded beach area…Tasha looks mortified. L.J. is thinking smart as we get a terrifying shot of Tony emerging from the forest with a mini-axe. It’s as if everybody there is afraid of him… like he’s Tom Berenger in Platoon, and they’re all under his command and frightened.

8:30 p.m.

Spencer makes a joke to Jeff when he hands back the individual immunity idol. It was something along the lines of “You can hold this…for now…ha ha ha.” Jeff gives him a smug smile back. I really love Jeff’s smug smiles.

The immunity challenge is a memory game. I’m betting on Kass, Spencer, or Tony in this comp. Do you think Jeff gave Kass the answers beforehand, or do you think they’re using hand signals?

Signals, I guess, got crossed because Kass is out with Spencer and Jefra! Jeff looks inconsolable. (I’m slightly overplaying this angle to death).

Tasha pulls out the victory. She’s got immunity, Spencer has the idol, and does this mean the end of Jeremiah? It’s not like this would be the saddest development or anything…meaning if he goes tonight, I don’t think we’ll get a scene in two weeks of Spencer flashing back to the time Jeremiah gave him his baseball hat or anything.

Commercial: This is what just played.

I mean….who watches these shows? Poppy Montgomery? Who in the hell is that? What cop dresses like she’s going to the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards? She’s a cop who remembers everything? I don’t want to live in a world where this show is a hit. Thank god for Game of Thrones or there would be nothing good on right now…and yes, I realize Mad Men has started up again, but I refuse to say that it’s a good show because I’m convinced nobody knows what the hell is going on with that show, yet nobody wants to admit it because they don’t want to sound stupid. So, everybody pretends to “get it” but they don’t…they don’t.

L.J. wants to split the votes between Spencer and Jeremiah. I’m not sure how I feel about this. I think this could be a bad idea.

Tony has his mind made up that L.J. is going to back stab him. He immediately seems to have gotten through to Woo, which is ridiculous and comical, and is capped off with a pissed off Woo calling L.J. “Mr. Con Man” in a patronizing way. I know we the viewers get the benefit of seeing more than the players got to see at the time, but Tony is a walking red flag, Woo. Come on, buddy. You’re better than that.

Tony next goes to Spencer to sell him the magic beans. You actually have to hand it to Tony; he is playing his heart out and people are just buying it.

Tony and Trish now talk with Trish somewhat calling him out. Trish seems to be seeing through him. I’ve been wrong about pretty much everything this season with the exception of seeing Trish as a good player. She seems to have better instincts than most of the other players this season.

8:45 p.m.

We get to Tribal Council, and my god is Morgan hot. Sarah has the “I can’t believe all these nitwits lasted longer than me” face going on.

Kass and Jeff share a flirty wink when she says, “You can play this game dirty.”

I always love the part in Survivor when they’re at tribal and someone says something, and then they cut to the reaction from the jury. It’s clear the reaction shot from the jury was edited because it’s always a much too over the top reaction, and it never looks like it matches.

Jeff mocks Tasha for using air quotes. Kudos, Jeff.

Woo has lost credibility with me. This whole season he has played like a wussy who could be talked into believing that the world is flat like that one idiot on The View who then gunned for an Emmy by saying, “I don’t worry if the world is flat. I’ll tell you what I do worry about…feeding my children.” Bravo…good for you…education is stupid.

We’re going to the vote. It looks as if L.J. may have escaped. We shall see. I want to get this soundtrack they play during the vote and play it at random times in public.

Wow, remember how I said L.J. may have escaped? Well, he definitely didn’t escape. Wow, I can’t believe Tony pulled this off. It’s just crazy that a lunatic could have played that so well. Seriously, it’s as if Brad Pitt’s plans in 12 Monkeys would have worked. Tony has evolved into Brad Pitt from 12 Monkeys mixed with the Smoke Monster from Lost….

Sweet, sweet L.J., you got played. You got chewed up and spit out by Tony the Smoke Monster.

This was a bizarre episode, so for you L.J., we choose a bizarre hit from the 90’s.

I remember when this song came out how weird it was, and how as a nation collectively, we knew this band was going to be a one-hit wonder. Godspeed, L.J. Mind your minors and boundaries around Morgan at Survivor Ponderosa, capisce? 😉

So, I can’t lie. I’m kind of excited to see Woo fall out of a tree next episode because it looked as if he was acting a little cocky up there. I think it’s clear that Tony did what he had to do tonight, but at what cost? Did he cut off his nose to spite his face? I say that because it seems like the six could have stuck together for at least two more weeks. Tony played it so over the top that I feel that he has shot his last bullet and everybody is going to be gunning for him soon. He could Hantz out and just find another idol out there, but I feel that he is a marked man next week. Then again, I don’t know shit because I had L.J. in my top 3 power rankings and now he’s drinking a Corona leering at Morgan at Survivor Ponderosa. I think you can shuffle the deck as far as alliances go moving forward, and I feel next week we will see new alliances form. My jinx power rankings are:

  1.  Trish
  2. Spencer
  3. Kass (snuck back in)

Thanks for reading. I really do appreciate it. Let me know what your top 3 list looks like now.

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