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Survivor Stream of Consciousness: The Search for Curly’s Tony’s Gold


7:50 p.m.

Welcome back. Skip this first section to 8 p.m. if you just want to get to Survivor.

While we’re waiting for Survivor to come on, I’d like to share something with you. Thank you for all of the positive support regarding this blog. For whatever reason, some of you have asked me to continue to update you on the online dating thing, which I will do later in this blog. First though, let me share this thought that has been weighing on my mind.

So, Saturday I was watching TV and through fate or bad luck, I ended up on Billy Crystal’s comedy special on HBO, and OMG is it awful! It was so bad, it made me go back and reflect on his career via his IMDB page and it is grizzly.

Let me back up a little bit… When City Slickers came out in ‘91, I thought it was a classic; it was hilarious. I think that was the perfect fit for Billy Crystal, which then led to his hosting the Academy Awards and he was great for the first two years doing that. But somehow that led him to having the reputation of being a comedic genius, which is just not the case. Can you think of one Billy Crystal movie AFTER City Slickers that really made you laugh? And no, Analyze This is not funny; it seems really hacky, lame, and dated now.

The worst part about Billy Crystal is when he takes himself wayyyyyyy too seriously and tries to make forced, poignant moments in live events…I wish I could find the clip… but it was at a charity event or maybe Comic Relief… but he came out in a homeless person’s costume, talking in a way where he wanted to sound…um…non-Caucasian… about the plights of poverty. It was just awful. You know they just wanted him to do like seven minutes of stand-up, but Billy was like, “No, I will only do this if I can play this character I came up with who will teach these people what being homeless or going through a catastrophic event is all about.”…I really wish I could find the clip. He made the vanity project, Mr. Saturday Night, which was awful and horrible, and he should have been put out to pasture after that came out:

Somehow Billy Crystal has bamboozled us into thinking he is an American treasure and I’m here to tell you now that it must stop.  Anyways, let’s just get back to the show!

 8 p.m.

Previously on Survivor (Jeff Probst’s voice): Tony shocked everybody by using his words rather than one of his medieval weapons to convince half the players to mercifully blindside L.J., who started aging at an alarming rate and looked like one of the old people in Cocoon. Kass is carrying the biggest secret of the game so far, our love child, and much like Elisabeth Shue in Cocktail, it could lead to this altercation with her father.

Black-and-white Survivor leaves me wondering why they always start the first two minutes of the show in black-and-white. Would we really be thrown off if it were in color? And that crazy, demonic rodent with the scary eyes is back.

Tony is immediately asked to explain himself. Somehow Trish, who I said was playing this game really intelligently and had great instincts, is buying Tony’s bullshit.

Jefra wants to know if she’s on the bottom of the alliance. I think it’s safe to say, Jefra, that you’re not on the top of the alliance.

Spencer’s obviously happy now that Tony has taken out one of the biggest targets in the game. Now Spencer is plotting Tony’s demise; should be an interesting night.

Tony literally starts running into the woods…Oh god, what is he doing? Oh……..oh, yes…..!!!!! Spy Shack 2.0! Thank you, Tony….Thank you….He immediately uses the spy shack to eavesdrop on Jefra and Trish. Somehow, they don’t notice the camera panning over mid-conversation.

Trish wants to stick with Tony. She may go far in this game, but on pure principle alone, you can’t be called a great player if you can’t see through the walking red flag otherwise known as Tony.

Jefra is not happy with the recent events and is whining annoyingly. If Jefra should stumble upon the spy shack, should we worry that Tony might shoot her with a blow dart and bury her unconscious body?

Commercial: The CBS crap, procedural drama to make fun of tonight is Elementary, Sherlock Holmes and Watson in modern day America…gross.

What happened to Lucy Liu? So much promise unfilled. When will the major networks learn and make a cool serial drama? The generation that watches those shows is getting old and soon we will be left with nothing…nothing!!!

Reward Challenge: They decide to mix it up for once and have a puzzle competition. Good for them. They’re playing for a barbeque, so I guess that means no gross sponsor this week.

Spencer and Tasha’s team is driving their boat like they’re crab fishing on the Deadliest Catch. Somehow, they rebound and win the competition.

Tony leaves us with an eerie quote: “Bad things are going to happen.” This should make for a great show tonight.

 8:15 p.m.

Commercial: Oh yes, finally! The movie Bad Teacher with Cameron Diaz is being turned into a network comedy! We’ve all been waiting for this! I bet this show is going to be really edgy on network TV.

We come back to Survivor with the most emotional music I’ve ever heard on the show being played…Is Hans Zimmer a guest composer tonight?

Kass gets emotional…it must be the pregnancy. She has come to the realization that Spencer needs to be the next to go. Who is Kass’s number one ally in this game?

Tony gets annoyed that Trish wants to get papayas and lemons. He states that he’s going to strategize on his own. I really want to know what that looks like.

Woo proclaims that he’s “jerking the papaya tree”…well put.  He falls off the tree…he wasn’t exactly Kurt Russell in Backdraft dramatic.

Maybe he fell a good seven feet. I think he broke his ass.

We next go to the reward winners’ lunch that looks as if it is taking place on a soundstage, like the one where Jack and Locke lowered Desmond in the last episode of Lost, only without the stupid water.

Jefra is still acting butt-hurt that she wasn’t told about L.J. being 86’d. She is about to get brought into the fold with this group. What is Jefra’s perception of where she stands in this game? Does she have an accurate vision of herself or is this a Shallow Hal thing (with her game not her appearance)?

Who is this creepy waiter guy handing them letters? I think he also walked them to this spot. Did anybody else notice this dude? He looked a little creepy, right?

Jefra is a little emotional for my liking when getting a letter from home. It’s been about twenty days since they have seen their families.  It’s not like she has been saving Private Ryan in WW2 and just got her first letter from home in eighteen months.

Jefra, caught up in emotion, decides to make a final four deal with the barbeque bunch. That would be a great alliance name, right?!

Commercial: So while we’re waiting for the commercial to end, my online dating update for this week is this: Online dating is like a thrift shop, in that it’s a whole bunch of crap, but maybe you can find a sweet coat or a cool t-shirt. You’ll have to weed through a lot of crap to find it, though. When I’m looking for a potential girl, I avoid girls who have profiles that talk about not wanting drama because that usually means that they love drama and can’t avoid it. Girls who have more than two “selfies” taken in a bathroom are also girls I tend to avoid.

One of the biggest demographics I avoid are girls that have rules about not sending  messages that just say “Hi” or “You’re cute.” Seriously, this is an online dating website. Asking dudes to not start off a convo with “Hi” or “You’re cute” is asking for some contrived, douchey, forced, unfunny icebreakers and it’s pretentious to put that on your profile…just free advice. Seriously, when you’re reaching out to somebody for the first time on an online dating site and are told not to write “Hi” or something of that nature, what are you supposed to do? Pick some random line from the girl-in-question’s profile and pretend to have an interest in it like the Talented Mr. Ripley or something? Maybe I should just be the “Hitch” of online dating and help everybody.

Needless to say I haven’t found my Winnie Cooper yet. It’s been fun, though. Hanging out with crazies and making bad decisions can be fun in small doses. There’s a really pretty one I just met, so to be continued next week…Cliffhangers, Scott…keep them coming back for more…as everybody reading this could literally not care less.

It’s time for the immunity challenge…in the deforested spot that they wiped out to do this one challenge. It looks like it’s a balance challenge. My money is on Woo.

8:30 p.m.

Jeff comments that Kass is struggling to keep her ball on the platform. Maybe he should focus on keeping his ball on the platform…if you catch my drift. 😉

Jefra , Kass and Jeremiah are gone. Everybody else steps down a level on their balancing boards.  Maybe one of my predictions will actually pay off this season as Woo looks good.

And of course Woo is the next person to fall off…..I swear I’m like the jinx from A Bronx Tale this season.

Spencer falls off and Tasha is your immunity winner this episode. Is Spencer in danger??????? He has the idol, so I would guess not.

Jefra leads us into commercial acting like she is calling the shots. Jefra…take my advice. Be quiet, blend in, and look weak; it’s your only hope.

We come back from commercial and Tasha talks about gunning for Tony…and here we go.

Tony goes for his fifth sprint of the episode searching for the idol. If he finds it, I guarantee it’s because the producers don’t want him to leave and they’re going to lead him right to it.

Well, what do you know…Tony somehow finds the idol. It was beneath the ground. The quiz show fixing scandal was less crooked than Tony stumbling upon an idol that was underground.

I mean, did he have an iPhone app that led him right to it?

Jefra and Trish question Tony. Tony looks like he’s taking a number 2 in the water while they’re interrogating him. If this conversation doesn’t go well, I think Tony might panic and do this:

Jefra lets Jeremiah know that she’s jumping sides. Why she does this, I don’t know. I guess it’s the decent thing to do, but why give away what you’re going to do? Does Jefra think she’s securing jury votes?

Jeremiah comes out with the biggest bombshell of the season…maybe in the history of Survivor… as he admits that he’s a model to Spencer and Tasha. Take a few minutes if you need to regroup as I’m sure you’re stunned and your mind is probably racing. Jeremiah Soze, you have rocked the Survivor universe with your reveal. Huge f**king spoiler below:

8:45 p.m.

Spencer admits to Tasha and Jeremiah that he has the hidden immunity idol…Why? I don’t know. Why would you share that information? It doesn’t make sense to me. If I had the immunity idol, I would hide it like I had herpes or something…not that I’ve ever had….nevermind…let’s move on and pretend this never happened.

Tribal Council starts and we see the jury with Morgan looking fantastic and L.J. looking like one of the East German bad guys from one of the Bourne Identity movies.

Spencer is being very aggressive at Tribal and really plays it well, I must say, as he points out that Tony is steering the ship and will have Spencer’s vote if he makes it to the finals.

This is my exact guess of what I think Tony thinks is going to happen at every Tribal Council and he is just ready for any f**king thing to go down: “I will not give that order!”

Every time Woo speaks he sounds worse and worse. There is no way he is winning this game… (Time travel four years back when I said the same thing about Fabio)… Woo for whatever reason sounds like this now every time he talks:

Trish…what happened with us? I was fully ready to back you and call you the smartest player this season by far. Maybe you’re playing dumb with Tony, but it sure as hell doesn’t seem like it. Maybe you’re just thinking there is safety in numbers, but come on, Trish.

We go to the votes and Spencer plays his idol, but it looks like the votes will be going towards Jeremiah. I guess you can’t really blame Spencer for playing the idol there because I think anybody would be paranoid in that position.

So Jeremiah gets the boot. Tony creepily mutters something about having a fake idol…Everybody is confused.

Jeremiah the model (It feels so good that I can type this out in the open and don’t have to hide it anymore. It was a huge albatross around my neck), I can’t really think of any memory of you this season, but don’t worry. You still get a coveted emotional goodbye song…because Jeremiah…you really did save the best for last:

So, this was a great episode. We get the Spy Shack 2.0 and Tony has the greatest weapon in Survivor history, the idol that can be played post-vote. It seems to me that if you’re a Spencer fan, it may be prudent to start preparing yourself for the strong probability that he is not long for this Survivor world. I think there are support groups for these sorts of things. I feel Tony is sitting pretty, but the question will be, if he crazies-out and everybody turns on him and he plays the idol, who will he target???? The previews want us to think that Spencer is going to get Tony on his side, but I am not buying that. I think Spencer is the next to go, if not him then Tasha. My power rankings for this week are:

  1. Tony
  2. Trish
  3. Kass

What are yours? Share them down below. If you get bored, check out the Back to the Future piece I wrote for Rob’s other website. 😉

Thanks again! Peace and humptiness forever.


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