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Survivor Finale: Tony and the Heartbreakers

7:50 p.m.

Here we are. We made it to the finale…whooo ah! So this has been an interesting week as last post I made, I basically stated that Woo had no chance of winning this game no matter what. Apparently I upset the Woo Army because I received a few replies and Twitter shout-outs explaining to me how and why Woo is going to win the game. I’m here to say that I don’t buy it. Maybe I will eat my words as the night progresses, but as of right now, Woo is exactly what I thought he is (substitute Woo for Bears):

I really don’t think you can win Survivor when you have been out of the loop like Woo has. On Big Brother two years ago, there was a contestant, Ian, who won the game even though he was completely oblivious the whole season. He got duped into thinking he was playing for one alliance when there was actually a hidden alliance that orchestrated all the moves. He was in the finals against the man who called all the shots and Ian still won …Why?… Because of a bitter jury. Now I understand that jury management is a part of Survivor, but when you have a clearly dominant player like Tony was this season, you may hate him and his style, but you can’t deny that he dictated who went home the majority of this season. Woo didn’t play horribly, but he had horrible instincts… trusting Tony when Tony fabricated stories about L.J… and basically, Woo was weak the whole game.

Spencer really tried to play a great game this season, so it’s not his fault that he couldn’t really catch a break all season. He did enough to survive this far but you can’t point to any move that truly affected the game that he had a major hand in. I think he has the skills to be a winner, but this season he never had an opportunity to have the power to showcase what kind of a player he could potentially be.

For the Kass Army, I think she shot herself in the foot. I think she would face an even more bitter jury than Tony would. She was a force in the first three weeks of this season, but then she was in the background for the majority of the season when Tony emerged as the number one player. I think at the end, instead of playing it  cool, she became confrontational when her move maybe should have been to win jury favor while Tony was potentially burning bridges…..I don’t think she has a chance.

Mr. Crazy Tony somehow has shown America that people with severe mental illnesses can make it in this world…just kidding. Tony played like a crazy bull in the china shop, but it worked. The bull in the china shop strategy is either all or nothing, and this season it has proven to be all. As of 7:58 tonight, I think it’s gotten him to the point of being the clear favorite to win this season of Survivor.

8 p.m.

Previously on Survivor (Jeff Probst’s voice): My break up with Kass has clearly contributed to her lashing out at Trish and Tony, basically ensuring that she won’t get better than 2nd place. We had a love affair this season, but it had to end…Maybe at the reunion tonight we can recreate this:

Black-and-white Survivor: I guess not black-and-white Survivor. We get casually dressed Jeff Probst with a hair cut that looks like it belongs on a wall at Great Clips.  He leads us into a recap package of this season. Have I mentioned this season that I think Morgan is quite the looker?

Oh, J’Tia….I forgot how crazy and awful you were in competitions…Will she ever be topped in the Most Rattled in Survivor Competitions Ever list? I say no.

At the start of this season, I predicted Garrett would win it all…How did that work out for me? In my defense, I was pretty accurate with everything else….

Since this is a live running diary, I’m making my prediction for who is most likely to be the most bitter jury member….I think Morgan and/or Kass if she goes to the jury.

OK. Black-and-white Survivor for reals: Tony talks about playing his game with his brains which is why he took out Trish. I think that was a smart move because I think she had a chance in the finals if she made it.

Everybody gives a half-hearted congratulations for making it to the final four.

I just drifted off for a second and came back to Spencer saying: “Kass, how shocked were you when Tony pulled that thing out?” Kass: “ I was pretty surprised. I’m not sure if he can use that in final four.” Are we talking about Tony’s?…Oh,… never mind they’re talking about the idol…Sorry, my mind was in the gutter.

Oh wait, Tony can’t use the idol…I completely thought he could…I’m an idiot, so he may actually go home….

Commercial: So I dare one of you, the next time one of your friends posts a picture of their kid on Facebook with some hashtag or statement about how cute they are, to reply: “Eh…I’ve seen better” or something like “We get it. You think your kid is cute…Bravo.” I think it would cause Facebook to crash…Do it!

Kass and Tony bring us back from commercial. Kass immediately calls Tony an idiot in her confessional. Kass is practicing her opening statement to the jury, claiming that Tony hasn’t had to do much this season.

8:15 p.m.

The S.S. Minnow carrying the players’ families comes ashore. Kass’ husband comes over first. I wonder if Jeff will come out of the bushes and beat the shit out of him.

Tony gets emotional because his wife couldn’t make it. This is the first real moment we have seen out of Tony this season….

Woo explains his future like he’s Dirk Diggler in the hot tub having an epiphany:

Kass gives her husband a scouting report on every player in the game. Kass talks about how being a woman makes her a bitch in this game, stating that if she were a male she would be a clear winner. There’s some truth to that point in theory, but for this specific example I don’t agree, Gloria Steinem.

Whoa…Jeff takes us to the Green Room to show us all of the players this season who look as if they’re posing for a Tommy Hilfiger ad. I actually would love to see production film all of them watching the show live and stream it online, so we can see their real reactions.

Commercial: Big Brother is coming up soon. I hope you guys will follow me when I start covering that. I really want Rob to pull some strings and get me on that show. He has that type of clout, right? Rob, are you reading this? Goddamn it!

We come back from commercial to the immunity challenge. It looks like a fun one, actually.

Tony gets off to an early lead, but sucks at the puzzle part. Spencer makes up major ground on him.

Wow, somehow Kass who was last for the majority of this competition comes back and destroys the puzzle and wins immunity. Her husband eyeballs Probst and goes in for a major hug. Jeff then smugly puts his arm around Kass while he summarizes the comp to everyone. Her husband must feel like Ben Affleck in Pearl Harbor:

8:30 p.m.

Commercial: Under the Dome returns this fall…I’m not impressed…especially since Hank from Breaking Bad is the star of the show. He was like a hall of famer in the That One Guy Club before Breaking Bad. Now he doesn’t want to be a part of the Breaking Bad spin-off, Better Call Saul.

I mean, give me a break, dude. You owe your whole career now to Vince Gilligan and you won’t make an appearance because of your awful CBS show that nobody with a brain or under 60 watches????? It really grinds my gears.

Kass brings us back from commercial saying that she feels good in the finals against Woo or Tony. I think she is way off…She has no shot.

Spencer pulls Tony over for a bro talk. He tries to convince Tony to keep him, believing that it will be a final 2, not a final 3. Tony is not feeling him, but he’s doing his best acting to humor Spencer.

Kass tells Keanu Woo that she is voting out Spencer.

8:45 p.m.

Woo has a confessional that can best be described as incoherent in which he talks about the final vote coming down to making fire and drawing rocks…What?…All you Woo lovers out there…Really?…Really? This is who you think should win the game?

We go to Tribal Council. Spencer gets a little emotional. Spencer pleads with Tony to take him to a final two, but we’re not sure if it’s a final two.

Woo claims that he’s played an inconspicuous game. Every member of the jury looks at him blankly.

Kass claims that she would rather be sitting with Woo than Tony. Everybody shudders for some reason.

We go to the vote…No, we don’t…Tony hijacks the process to read what his idol says for some reason…Everybody is confused.

Spencer gets the boot. It was a good season for you, young lad. You caught a lot of bad breaks. You will always be our Doogie Howser of Survivor.

Commercial: So, I’m feeling cocky that this is going to play out exactly like I predicted. I think Kass is going to get the brunt of a pissed off jury. Woo might get one sympathy vote and Tony is going to win this game. Have you noticed that Tony hasn’t held a weapon in like two weeks? Somehow he went from crazy, homicidal dude to the winner of this season…not that I have any room to talk…Garrett…Yes, I picked Garrett…He was voted out first.

9 p.m.

Black-and-white Survivor Part Deux: Kass shares that she thinks both of the boys would take her to the finals. She is feeling cocky. She asks Woo if he knows what needs to happen. That seems like a fair question to ask him because five minutes ago he was talking about having to draw rocks in a final scenario that would never, ever happen in a million years. Woo agrees that Tony has to go next.

We go to the final challenge. This is where Tony will either win or lose the game, I guess.

It’s a gigantic maze which leads to a form of a …Wait for it….Wait for it….a puzzle type of thing….

We get a really tight comp and Woo pulls it off! Whoa, so this means he takes Tony out, right? I guess if Woo really is Survivor smart then he will take Tony out.

Jeff at 9:13 p.m. talks to a group of kids who are at the live finale because that’s what we care about. I was just thinking that this finale needed insight from a group of nine kids standing awkwardly, with one of them commenting on who Woo should take to the final vote…Thank you, Jeff…Thank you.

9:15 p.m.

Commercial: There is no way Woo should take Tony …No way he will….

Back from commercial with a euphoric Woo telling us that he is “stoked”… Then he comes back down to earth realizing the choice he has in front of him.

Tony tries to sell Woo on taking him. This would be his greatest move in the game if he can pull it off. Tony appeals to Woo’s karate integrity. Woo looks stumped.

Tony admits that if he were in Woo’s place, he would take Kass…LOL.

Kass makes her plea and smartly compares Woo to Fabio. That’s a very astute point that I made six weeks ago and it’s right on. God, I’m smart (I’m the guy who picked Garrett to win).

Woo says he will make his decision at Tribal…Wow, he’s going to take Tony….He is a nice guy, though. I feel bad that he’s going to be a man of honor and take Tony…yeesh.

We go to the Final Tribal Council.  Tony says it’s Woo’s time to shine and Woo takes a deep breath. Hopefully, the Lamaze classes that he took will pay off.

Jeff asks Woo a question and Woo asks to go straight to the vote. Jeff obliges.

We get a shot of Jefra and her prison stare has only gotten harder as time has gone on…She may shank someone at the live after-show.

Wow! Kass gets voted off and she looks shocked. Again, outside of Survivor I’d bet Woo is the best guy in the world, but that was an idiotic move.

Kass, you made a good run. You came out like a ball of fire this season. You had a love affair with Jeff Probst that almost tore this country apart…We will always remember you…You and Jeff will always have this song:

9:30 p.m.

Commercial:  I don’t have anything to add here. I’m still shocked that Woo is taking Tony to the finals and facing certain death….I need to take a break…..

OK, I’m back after I splashed some water on my face. Woo shares that he thinks the jury will respect this move…poor, poor Woo….He doesn’t know what’s about to happen…

Tony and Woo have the celebratory finals breakfast. Tony finds a piece of paper and immediately hides it from Woo, but it only leads to a mirror so he shares this time.

Woo shares that he has a 50% chance of winning the game….I think it’s closer to 3%…..

We go to the Final Tribal. I wish Kass were still in the game because I really feel like she would have faced a very pissed off jury.

Tony kicks off the final speech. He thanks everybody and shakes Woo’s hand…tough to tell how the jury feels yet.

Woo brings the core values of Taekwondo into his speech, sadly the jury looks unimpressed. I think Rubin Hurricane Carter stood a better chance in his first trial than Woo does here.

Jeff brings us back live with Parvati who sums up what everybody here is thinking: Woo is a great guy, but Tony should win.

Final Commercial: For old times’ sake, let’s all take Xarelto and make some bad decisions tonight….Who cares if it might make our livers bleed…You only get a Survivor finale five times a year….!

9:45 p.m.

We’re back and it’s time for the jury questions. Sarah kicks us off, asking Tony about swearing on his badge…like she wouldn’t have done the same thing. I love the high and mighty jury members; it is just great. All of a sudden every jury member’s number one priority is integrity in the game….LOL…

Jefra, the Birdman of Alcatraz is up next. Wow, Jefra is over-the-top, threatening Tony and acting like she is Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men

You know she has been practicing for this moment for the past ten days. In her mind she was going to nail Tony with everyone slowly clapping around her…Gross…She is awful.

Morgan… Hey, girl. She talks about being a young attractive girl. Morgan takes an absolutely cheap shot at Kass when she makes a statement to Woo…calling her a goat? Wow…

Jeremiah the model is now trying to play it off like he is just a good ole farm boy who doesn’t know this big city Survivor game….yuck.

Tasha’s question was boring.

L.J asks Tony: “Who are you?”…Why… I don’t know. L.J is dominated by Tony in this round of questions.

Kass asks Woo the million dollar question of why he would take Tony. Woo can see the writing on the wall, it seems, as Kass smirks her way back to the jury pool.

Trish, apparently gunning for an Academy Award, soaks in every second of her jury moment. This is over-the-top….I mean, I don’t even know what to type…You’re playing Survivor. You’re not starting a new civilization where integrity and honor are the foundation …You’re playing a game…Settle down, Trish…Settle down. I mean, Jesus, you’re ten seconds away from this:

Spencer calls Woo a dog. Then, he pleads to the jury to vote for Tony. He calls Kass a goat and everybody seems to agree, with the highlight being a cut-away shot of Kass being called a goat for the third time in five minutes and having to take it. Spencer states that Tony is the clear winner to the jury…I feel bad for Woo…truly a good dude…just a bad move…Second place gets a nice payoff, though, right?

And we go to the votes and Tony wins! Jeff orders him to go celebrate with his family…. What a fitting end to this season.

I want to thank everybody for reading this blog all season. I really do appreciate it. I think I have the most ADD blog out of all the writers here, so thanks for sticking with me through Survivor, online dating, hashtags, and everything else… I will see you all (so to speak) come Big Brother season and/or at Post Show Recaps….Thanks again!

Let me know who you think should have gotten second place out of everybody, not just Woo or Kass.

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