SurvivorSurvivor: Cagayan

Survivor Stream of Consciousness: Tony’s Got 99 Problems, But a Kass Ain’t One

7:50 p.m.

Hey, welcome back. So here we are again waiting for the Tony Variety Hour to begin. At this point, it’s not even debatable that he is the star of the season, right? The question for me right now is whether Tony will be challenged or pushed off his course to the finals? I would think that Vegas has him as a 2:1 favorite to win this game, so how about the rest of  the players? Let’s take a look:

Trish 4:1— Maybe the only person truly aligned with Tony the Tiger. Trish has had an uneven season up to this point. At moments she has orchestrated some of the bigger moves in this season, and in other moments she has acted like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he wants to hang himself. Trish may be playing possum, riding in the Tony tank as he demolishes everything in sight, which may be a brilliant move; we will see. I think if there’s anybody who could derail Tony, it’s Trish because the punches you don’t see coming are the ones that knock you out, not the ones that you see (Kass).

Spencer 6:1— Fellow blogger Sarah, I think, pointed out that the game of Survivor has been happening around him not because of him. Meaning, can you point to something Spencer has done in this game to make him worthy of winning the game? He has somewhat Forrest Gumped his way this far avoiding catastrophe after catastrophe all the while making himself somewhat likable to, at the very least, the viewers. I don’t think there’s a chance in Hell that Tony would take Spencer to the finals, but if he did make it there he would have a shot at getting votes.

Kass 10:1— I think Kass really hurt herself last episode with her paranoia while she tried to claim that Tony said something that he didn’t say. Kass is coldblooded and so you can’t completely count her out, but I don’t see her escaping the wrath of Tony.

Keanu Woo 20:1–Look, Woo seems like a really good guy, and I don’t want to be a dick here, so I’m only talking about his Survivor game. He has horrible instincts and he is shown to be weak, which are two characteristics that you don’t want to have in a Survivor player. I mean, come on. Every time something that anybody with half a brain saw coming a mile away, Woo’s reaction has been:

I think Woo will continue to be played as a pawn by the more cerebral players in the game.

8 p.m.

Previously on Survivor (Jeff Probst’s voice): Tony continues to play Survivor like he’s the Legend of Zelda, acquiring 6 swords, 2 machetes, one crossbow, and whatever was in the suitcase in Pulp Fiction:

Woo showed us 7 minutes of his soon to be one hour variety show that will air on the Oxygen Channel during the reward at the school last week as he will be the next Wayne Brady. Kass and I got into a heated fight and now she’s contemplating terminating the pregnancy, which is leading us to fight like The War of The Roses…I’m too depressed to do this….Let’s just move on, please….

Black-and-white Survivor opening scene: And our demonic animal of this week is…….nothing…..OK…OK, improvise, Scott….Improvise…..How about those clowns in Congress?

So for the 8th time this season, Spencer questions someone that didn’t vote the way he thought they were going to vote… more proof that if you think Spencer deserves this game then you are wrong, because he has had no clue what was going to happen in the majority of Tribals this season…

Kass, fresh off her potential break up with Probst, seems to have a renewed vigor for the game as she cites her reasons for aligning with Tony.

Spencer makes a passive-aggressive remark that he’s glad he’s playing a game with people who understand so little. Man up, Spencer. Tony and Woo go out on the boat and shades of Fredo Corleone are all over the place here:

Woo is definitely Tony’s Fredo as Woo explains his rationale with the nuance of a sixth grader. LOL. Tony says exactly what every one of us viewers knows about his inevitable future blindside of Woo…How does Woo not see this?


While we’re waiting for Survivor to come back on, I want to say thank you for those of you that gave me online dating tips. Sadly, the problem is me. I attract this:

And when I’m out on the town (Portland, OR), I get a couple of whiskey sours down and then fast forward to regret and a hangover…otherwise known as Saturday morning (11a.m.). I need a nice Italian girl, so if you know any in the Portland area, help your boy out. 😉

We’re back from commercial with Jeff Probst greeting us for the reward challenge. He gives Trish a flirty look right in front of Kass to let her know that he’s a desirable man. The winner of the challenge gets “piping hot pizza”….maybe Totino’s pizza if they’re lucky. Jeff is really enjoying watching this mud comp. He’s like Bill Murray in Stripes:

(The first half of that movie is awesome, and then once they graduate from basic training, it becomes the awful second half of movie history).

Wow…Tony absolutely destroys everybody else in this competition….He has to choose someone and he goes with Trish who randomly starts shouting in Pig Latin.

Everybody is covered in mud looking like they all went to a Brendan Fraser Encino Man picture signing at a mall.


Next on the The Big Bang Theory: “Move across the hall. Did you take marijuana”????? I’m not trying to be a snarky blogger, but you tell me how standard sitcoms are going to survive. They just can’t work anymore; they just can’t. Look, I grew up loving Family Ties and wanting to be one of the Seavers on Growing Pains. I even had creepy daydreams where I would team up with Mike and tease Carol, but those days are over. Sitcoms with laugh tracks or live studio audiences just don’t work. They’re too contrived and forced and they just don’t capture any part of real life like maybe they once did. I will take a bet that in ten years there won’t be any standard sitcoms on anymore.

8:15 p.m.

Back from commercial with a shot of an eagle flying over the island. I swear, that’s stock footage because I’ve seen that shot of that same stupid eagle flying over that exact rock wall seven times this season.

And Woo steals my Encino Man reference… I swear, I had it first!

Wow…Kass is showcasing her Something About Mary hairstyle.

Spencer and Kass both have confessionals where they share that they think everybody else (Woo) is not bothered about Tony’s dominance….You and Kass can blame nobody but yourselves!

Tony demolishes the pizza like he’s Lindsay Lohan demolishing a line of cocaine. Trish is concerned.

Tony shares that he wants to take Kass and Trish to the end, thinking that they won’t get the votes. Tony and Kass have a conversation where Tony grants forgiveness to Kass. Kass is already calculating her jury speech.

Kass confronts Woo who looks horrified. Tony walks up and we get an argument. I guess Kass thinks she can create a bitter jury for Tony, but she lacks the likability in my opinion to make this strategy work.

In a confessional, Tony claims that he is now done with Kass. Their on/off again relationship is more annoying than that of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez…Of course, nothing would make me happier than Tony reacting like this if the jury or Jeff questions him about Kass.


Million Dollar Arm preview….Hasn’t Disney made this movie fourteen other times already? So if you’re bored, you could check out my new post on Rob’s other website on The Top 11 Cheesiest Movie Music Videos of the 80 and 90’s…Come on, I need your support!

Kass lets Tony know that what she did was strategic. Tony walks off to go mutilate a coconut. Kass may not be likable, but at least she is trying to make something happen as she tries to corral Woo and Spencer. Keanu Woo looks at Kass as if he just met the Architect in The Matrix while she is explaining to him what is happening around him.

Woo’s mind is blown…. Trish overhears this and wakes up for the first time this episode. I want to see Trish do something, but really like I said at the beginning of this blog, she may be smarter just to let Tony drive this tank.

8:30 p.m.

We go to the immunity challenge and Jeff won’t even look at Kass now…This is getting ugly fast. Ropes, planks and a puzzle…the most interesting result would be Spencer winning this competition. Have you noticed that when Jeff walks during these competitions he looks like Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused?

He walks with real swagger, that Jeff Probst. Jeff asks if Tony has finally lost his mind out here….Have you missed the previous thirty-two days, Jeff? Spencer comes back and wins! The best part of that was his spazzy victory mannerisms.


A new Tom Cruise movie…..I feel bad for the little guy…He’s never recovered from the Oprah couch jump. If you want to look at the glass as half-full, at least you can say he’s lucky that he never got prosecuted for kidnapping Katie Holmes for five years, right? I would pay any amount of money to get five minutes with his Scientology file. Did you know that he was dating the six foot eight redhead from That 70’s Show? I wonder if he will have her calves removed to shorten her height so his five foot three stature won’t look silly.

Back from commercial. Trish is on the attack towards Kass. She immediately lashes out and calls out Kass. Kass looks mortified as they exchange cheap shots about each other’s physical appearance. Kass and Spencer decompress, praying that they can get Woo.

Woo, Trish, and Tony have a meeting where Tony asks Woo if he has anything he wants to ask Tony…which leads Woo to ask Tony if he ever swore to Kass on his wife and baby…Come on, Woo…Trish can’t even hide her shock at how idiotic Woo sounds right now….

Tony swears on his family for the seventeenth time this season, this time to Woo, who has a facial expression like he just watched a Donald Sterling sex tape.

Woo pulls Kass and Spencer aside claiming he will vote out Trish. Woo asks them if they will guarantee him a final 3 spot….apparently this is his first experience ever with the game of Survivor….Tony, of course, is watching all of this unfold.

8:45 p.m.

We go to Tribal Council.  Will Tony let Trish play one of his idols???? Kass kicks us off with a very detailed attack on Trish. Everybody is looking stunned. Woo says something that nobody understands, and they immediately pretend that it never happened. Tony: “Jeff, this young lady here is delusional.” This Tony is elegant.

Tony tries to win over the jury with his tales of camp life….Kass is looking bad here, even if it’s not her fault which most of it is….I don’t see her winning this game even if she made it to the finals.

Woo says something about being like an exchange student, wishing people would focus on the game….Nobody knows how to react to that, so they again pretend that it never happened.

Tony essentially pulls down his pants to show everybody not one but both of his idols…I don’t get showing both the idols…one maybe, but why not keep an ace in your pocket?

We go to the votes and…Trish is gone! Will this come back to haunt Tony? Well, at least he knows that she won’t be voting for Kass. And in classy fashion, Kass gives Trish the middle finger as Trish is walking out with her back turned. Wow, I really think Kass just blew any chance she had at winning this game; I really do. This jury is giving me the impression that Tony is winning this game easily.

Trish, I thought you played a pretty good game this season. After Tony, you affected the destiny of this game more than anybody else. You will be missed….

Next time on Survivor preview:

Tony cries??????????? Is he finally going to officially go bananas? Woo with an awfully serious look on his face: “If it comes to me needing to burn the whole place down…so be it.” One episode to go and my power rankings look like this now:

  1. Tony
  2. Morgan (just because….and there really is not a number 2)
  3. Spencer

The million dollar question is whether Tony should have saved Trish. My first instinct was to say yes, but after having a few moments to ponder that, I think it was actually better this way because Kass basically took all of the resentment (I would assume) that Trish potentially could have had towards Tony and put it on herself. Now Tony has Trish  poisoning the jury even more towards Kass at Ponderosa.

If Tony can get Spencer out, he will be sitting in the finals with Woo and Kass and I think Tony maybe gets two votes against him in that scenario and that’s it; he wins. I was really a dick to Woo tonight, but like Tony said earlier, he seems like a good guy, and so I just want to reiterate that I’m only talking about his Survivor game, which has been horrible. Yes, he has made it far, but only because he is a human pawn that was controlled for the majority of the game. I don’t think he would get a single vote in the finals.

Thanks for reading and let me know how you think the finals will play out. Who do you think will win and what will the votes be?

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