Survivor: San Juan Del Sur

Survivor Chick Flick Night?

Welcome back, everybody. Just like Survivor last week my past five days have been crazy too. Of course, I didn’t get blindsided idiotically with an idol in my pocket, but my brother got married. Catholic weddings (which this was) are really long if you didn’t know. Being a groomsman, it was really stressful for me to stand up for so long. It’s weird; I’ve been in like fourteen weddings and every time I’m standing up there I’m secretly having a panic attack. The strangest thoughts and words pop in my head and I end up having to talk myself down from doing something rash like just walking off in the middle of the ceremony. Anybody else ever have that similar experience? After the ceremony ended and the reception started things got more loose as I blacked out on twenty-seven red wines and lip-synced the song “Poison” by Bell Biv Devoe with my two other brothers..all in all, a success.

My point here is that I can’t imagine the stress of sitting at tribal council where you have to look calm and collected. You have to have the ultimate poker face while you try to interpret the other players and the vibe that is unfolding. If you were in John Rocker’s place, would you have known that you were unsafe or is that unfair? Shouldn’t you always be expecting the worst in Survivor? …like me standing up in the wedding ceremony trying to look casual and happy, but in reality, in my head, I sounded like Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off .

In Survivor you have to be able to read the situation and never be caught off guard. Everything can change so quickly in Survivor that if you’re John Rocker, and you play your idol and survive, then anything can happen in the next few days. Survivor: the more we watch it, the more we have to realize that it’s not about who plays the best, but rather the chemistry of the given cast that season. Sometimes the best player wins and sometimes the personalities that season force someone who didn’t really do anything into the winner’s circle (as Russell Hantz glares at us as he’s reads this).  Tonight, anything can happen, but as I ended last week’s recap, I think this is a two-man race between Jeremy and Josh…Let’s find out how stupid I am as now they will probably both somehow be voted off tonight.

8 pm

Recap of how awful the orange team is. Seriously, there’s Josh, Dale, the two “Dude, Where’s My Car?” boys, some blonde that I’ve only seen speak once in three episodes, and Baylor. If anybody on this team other than Josh wins this game it would be the biggest upset since the Miracle on Ice.

8:02 pm

Baylor talks about voting out John being a vote for having a positive tribe…really?  Is there ever really such a thing on Survivor as having a positive tribe? Of course, if you’re in a majority alliance, it can be positive. If you’re not, I’m guessing you’re feeling more like you’re at Camp Crystal Lake in Friday the 13th than in a “positive” Survivor tribe.

8:03 pm

The blue team members are lashing out at Drew for complaining about the fishing gear. Drew talks about how tough being a leader is. Basically, the producers are showing us an imaginary bull’s-eye on Drew.

8:05 pm

Commercials start which seem to be a little early, no? Anyways, it’s a preview for the new Keanu Reeves movie John Wick. Is this a more maturely named sequel for Johnny Mnemonic?  Keanu Reeves has had a strange career. Just when you think it’s over and he’s headed down Nicolas Cage Ave., he pulls out a Matrix or Speed. Every seven years or so, he seems to surprise us with a good movie, and to be honest, I think we’re due for that now because I can’t remember the last good Keanu movie; however, I would be shocked if it’s John Wick….

8:06 pm

Back from commercial and it’s reward challenge time. The blue team claps when they see John is gone. Julie tries to play it off like it’s not bothering her, but I don’t think anybody cares.

8:07 pm

Drew tries to barter with Jeff for the fishing gear. Jeff looks at him with a combination of disgust and astonishment as he blows Drew’s attempt off. Nobody seems to grasp what this Drew is. The sad part is that I’m sure Drew rehearsed this moment in his head like ten times before he actually did this with Jeff and I’ll bet every time (in his head) it played out where he was the hero for his tribe. It sucks when you play out some scenario in your head, and then it absolutely goes sideways in real life, but in this case, you had to see the writing on the wall Drew.

8:12 pm

The battle of skee-ball takes its place as Jon wins and sends the random blonde girl Jaclyn to Exile Island. Drew gets picked to join her and he even volunteers. Is this the biggest telegraphed “Who’s getting voted off this week on Survivor” or just a red herring?

8:15 pm

Alec, with his multi-colored rosary, sends us into commercial by saying his orange team could be one of the worst in Survivor history. It’s tough to argue with him there.

8:17 pm


McDonald’s is bringing back Monopoly again. Seriously, have any of you ever won or known anyone that has ever won anything other than a Sausage McMuffin (with purchase of another) with that game?

How many network shows does Sean Hayes from Will and Grace fame get to have before he gets regulated to the fourth lead of a made-for-TV USA Channel movie? Four? Five? And can somebody please save Gob Bluth from this The Millers show?!

8:19 pm

Back from commercial… Jon is processing his decision to send his girlfriend off with Drew. Jeremy looks on amused as Julie explains that she’s OK with John being voted out, and he also looks like he’s lost fifty-three pounds since last week. I mean, jeez,  get an extra scoop of rice or something.

8:20 pm

Drew and Jaclyn take us to Exile Island as they discover the clues. Drew talks about the curse of being a ladies’ man…poor guy. Let’s start a charity or something for him.

Jaclyn and Drew talk strategy, which would be the equivalent of two pawns in chess talking about their plans to take over the game from the queens on the board.

8:23 pm

Keith goes hunting for the idol while the producers splice in a whole bunch of shots of snakes hissing as Keith is looking. Is this supposed to mean that Keith is in danger, or what?..I’m really confused. He obviously doesn’t find it and he gets joined by Reed who seems to be the Jaclyn of the blue tribe, somebody that we haven’t seen or heard from since the introductory section of episode one this season

Keith shares that he has the clue, but couldn’t find it, throwing Jeremy under the bus. Reed then runs to Jeremy to tell him. Jeremy is pissed and evokes the code among fireman.

8:25 pm

Keith during his second attempt of hunting for the idol, somehow stumbles upon on it as he almost goes into cardiac arrest.

8:27 pm

The best part of a wedding when you’re a single groomsman is the bridesmaids, as usually at least two-thirds of them have the

“My exterior is saying I’m happy, but really I’m bitter and want all this for myself, so I’m going to make a bad decision and hook up with that tall, cute groomsman” face.

Trust me, my fourteen loyal readers, I tried to make a run at the cute one, but she had a boyfriend…even with my blacked-out charm in full effect, I couldn’t make it happen.

8:30 pm

A bizarre interaction brings us back from commercial as Baylor yanks the tree mail from Alec, who then reacts like she told the world’s most offensive Holocaust joke or something (granted, all Holocaust jokes are not funny). Then Alec looks like he’s about to have a nervous breakdown because Josh didn’t understand why he read the tree mail like he was auditioning for a role on a late night softcore porn movie. Alec seems fussy tonight.

8:31 pm

Time for the immunity challenge. Drew comes strutting back from Exile as everybody looks at him confused still.

Jeff Probst is rocking a black shirt; this seems important for me to bring up for some reason. Why?… I’m not sure.

8:36 pm

“Drew is single-handedly losing this for his tribe”.  I guess the moral of the story is don’t try to barter with Jeff Probst because he will make sure to make his in-competition commentary analysis brutal, and it could submarine your game.

The orange team wins their first competition. Drew claims he threw the comp and is happy because now one of the girls on the blue tribe can go home…It can’t be this easy, right?

8:40 pm


CBS is really sticking with this over-the-top Stalkers promo every week, aren’t they? You know what? I’m looking to all you 40 to 60 year olds that watch and keep shows like Stalker or Blue Bloods on the air. Let me know what it is that is appealing. Is it the horrendously predictable, contrived plots? Is it the absurd acting where every actor on a procedural drama has to either be squinty and brooding or be a smart-alecky tough guy with a heart of gold?  Can we just end this era of shitty cop procedurals please? I think we can all do without CSI: South Dakota.

8:41 pm

Drew showcases his acting chops as he tries to take accountability for losing the comp. He then honestly looks at the competition and says the following with a straight face, “ I’m a badass and a manipulator of this game…ha ha”. Dear lord, I hope he stays just to get more all-time quotes like that from him.

8:43 pm

Jon tries to lead a discussion to vote out Julie. He gets interrupted by Drew who stops and rhetorically asks who the “best player is here” and when everybody looks at him confused, he says it’s Julie.  Nobody understands what he is talking about.

8:45 pm

Jeremy has a temper tantrum about wanting to vote out Keith. Look, I picked Jeremy to win this game and he might still, but I don’t like his style the past two weeks. He pouts and kind of acts like a baby. That is all.

Natalie then tries to rally the girls to vote out Drew as she correctly points out that the boys on the tribe are in disarray. She has a point; the boys on this tribe are acting like the hosts of The View from the 2008 election.

8:46 pm

Drew holds another rally to try to garner votes to get Kelley out, only Kelley is about three feet away and looks perplexed that somebody could be this stupid.

8:47 pm

Tribal Council time, and yes, Jeff, we get it…All right… We all get it…Fire symbolizes your life in this game…

8:50 pm

It gets ugly as the two firefighters, Keith and Jeremy, go at each other and again break the code among firemen. Somewhere out there the cast of Backdraft is not happy with this development.

8:53 pm

After watching this blue tribe, primarily tonight, I am convinced that they are all almost as awful as the members of the orange tribe. There only seem to be, like maybe, four players here that truly could hang in a really competitive Survivor season.

8:57 pm

With votes for multiple people being thrown out tonight, it ends up being Drew who is going home! Jeez, I feel like for the first two episodes we saw almost nothing of Drew, and then tonight it was just a giant orgy of cluelessness and douchiness from the dude. I’m sure he’ll be all right,though.

9 pm


Two physical, annoying players get voted off in back-to-back weeks, John and now the Drew-inator. I think last week I felt certain that this was a two-horse race between Jeremy and Josh. I still feel that they are the two favorites to win this season based on the dynamics of this season, but I also want to say that I think Natalie is an interesting player. Do I think she has any chance of winning this season? No, but I think she will play the villain with a big smile during her life-cycle on Survivor this season, and you need players like that. She’s a fun person to watch play this game, which is more than I can say about Jeremy who I  still think is the overall number one seed to win this game.

I’m wavering on Jeremy because I don’t like the way he conducts himself in conversations or in moments of debate. I think there are so many other players this season that are complete dummies that he is going to survive and advance deep into the game, but I don’t think it will be because he is a great Survivor player… if that makes sense.

I think it’s clear that Josh is playing a more subtle game and with the merge coming next week, it will be interesting to see how that event will alter his gameplay because now he will be seen with a clear partner in Reed. I think Josh needs to make something happen with getting numbers on his side as soon as the merge happens. I believe he can and will as he has some girls that are looking to get in on a majority alliance with Baylor, her mom, Missy, Kelley, and maybe Natalie. If that happens, I can see this game being dominated by them. I think Kelley in particular is an interesting player. She seems to have some poise and intellect, so it will be interesting to see how she would look in a position of power. Maybe this season will be dominated by the women. I think if the women can somehow band together, it will be lights out for the boys as all of them seem helpless with the exception of Jeremy and Josh…and maybe Keith. Overall, this season seems filled with lightweight Survivor game players and if that’s the case it wouldn’t be hard for a really good player to have a stress-free path into the finals. Will that be Jeremy, Josh, or will Kelley and the other women turn this season into Herland and run the table?

Power rankings

  1. Jeremy
  2. Josh
  3. Natalie
  4. Kelley
  5. Everybody else…..
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