Welcome back….We get back to our regular one hour Survivor session, which is good because I had one of those days at work wherein I was one more bad thing happening from turning into Michael Douglas in Falling Down:
I had to fight for nine hours with an insurance company to justify their authorizing drug and alcohol treatment for a seventeen year old girl who was sick and going through horrible withdrawal symptoms. She was literally puking in our lobby and the insurance company wanted to argue that she didn’t need detox treatment. Seriously, if you work for an insurance company you might as well just start stealing things, robbing people, and running over cocky bicyclists. I mean, you’re going to hell anyways so you might as well make the most of your time here.
With that said, I would say that this is a very highly anticipated episode of Survivor coming up tonight. We have some idea that Missy is going to get hurt, and if so will she leave the game. Normally if they show it in a preview then the injured person usually doesn’t leave the show. Let’s hope that is the case here, because whether or not you like Missy you can’t say that she doesn’t deserve to finish the game at this stage. Last week and the weeks before, I made Missy the favorite to win this game.
I read some comments on Reddit from people who think I must be sniffing glue again, which even if that’s true, it goes to my overarching point I have made throughout this season– that watching Survivor as a viewer is like looking at a famous abstract painting (where you’re supposed to act like you’re looking at something beautiful even though you have no clue); everybody is going to see something different. IF I were a jury member right now, I’m looking at Missy and possibly Natalie if she can pull some power move over the next two episodes. I would like to say Keith has a chance, but he single-handedly submarined a Jon overthrow that I think the majority of us were pulling for. He just seems like he is treading water at this point in the game.
Natalie is gunning for Jon which on one level is fantastic, but on another level, it could be troubling if she loses focus on the overall game because she’s obsessed with getting somebody out. To me that seems like a plan that is fraught with peril. You always need to play Survivor like chess and if you get blinded by revenge, then most likely, you’re going to miss somebody else coming at you from behind or on your flank. Natalie has really become likeable this season (to me at least) and I want her at her best. Hopefully taking out Jon and winning the game aren’t mutually exclusive.
Jon clearly is a nice guy, a good dude. I just hate his Survivor game. I really think this guy is getting voted out with an idol in his pocket. I just don’t see him figuring it out. Jackie would have been gone a long time ago if it were just her playing this season. I mean, she brings nothing to the table except a shitty attitude and sense of entitlement that most cute blonde girls are programmed with in their twenties. In fact, the only way I could root for Jon at this time is if Jackie and him get into another argument, Jackie makes her “I can’t believe you” face at Jon, and then Jon gets so fed up he uses his idol specifically to f*** over Jackie…Unlikely, but hey, a guy can dream, can’t he?
I still think Missy is the “one seed” unless she fractures her ankle tonight and gets medically discharged from the game. I think right now she has the best resume in the game. Obviously, tonight is pivotal for Missy and the rest of the players, so although Missy is my favorite to win the game, something big might be in store tonight that could possibly change all that.
With that said, it’s 8 pm Portland, Oregon time, so let’s start this party.
8 pm
Previously on Survivor: They show Jon and Natalie on that reward bed. I think they should keep that bed for the rest of the game with 80’s porn music playing throughout that little area, just to see what happens…You never know, maybe Keith and Missy…Never mind.
8:01 pm
Black-and-white vision: The aftermath of Alec getting voted over Keith has caused some spin control by Natalie. She is playing dumb. I guess Jon and Jackie believe her story, which is more damning evidence if you’re #TeamJon&Jackie.
8:03 pm
Keith counts his blessings that he is still here as he removes his shoes and socks…I think we get the picture that his dogs are barking. That was like watching Denzel taking his off his shoes in Glory and revealing a severely infected foot. Jeff Probst should march over to the wardrobe department and start shouting at somebody to get Keith some new goddamn shoes:
8:05 pm
Commercial: Anyone else out there listening to the Serial Podcast? I think I’ve gone back and forth thirty times on whether I think Adnan committed the murder. I mean, for the love of god, Adnan, can you please jot your recollections of that day and try to remember one goddamn thing that happened after school? Why is that podcast so addicting? I mean, let’s be honest, it’s basically a radio version of Dateline NBC, but for some reason it’s sooooo engrossing. I want to know what happened. I know this past weekend I passed on having a girl come over to “hang out” at 12 am because I was reading a 90-page timeline on the cell phone calls that took place the day of the murder. That can’t be healthy, right? Getting into a google vortex is like getting caught in a riptide, the more you try to force your way out, the more entrenched you get. I can’t wait for the next episode tomorrow.
8:06 pm
Reward Challenge time. Everybody gets partnered up as they have to run through some hay, through some posts, fill a bucket with water over a teeter-totter, fill up another bucket, and then complete a puzzle. You know, just your garden-variety Survivor challenge.
The winning team wins a “spa” day. I mean, I guess a shower is cool, but really if you offered them a spa day or an all-you-can-eat 2.99 Chinese buffet, who’s going to choose the spa?
Jon, Keith, and Missy win.
8:13 pm
Jon, after annoying Jackie by making an awful cheesy joke about Missy looking good, gives up his spot to Baylor. Jackie pretends to be happy for Baylor, but this will probably lead to our 44th Jon and Jackie tense beach conversation of the season. Seriously, I can’t think of anything worse than playing Survivor with your girlfriend.
8:15 pm
Commercial: I think there is something really wrong with me. I think I’m powerless in stopping myself from becoming a cliché, horrible rom-com guy character… the smart-ass guy that pretends he’s not interested, so then he tries to get interested, but then that backfires so he gets uninterested again, so then he tries to get interested again, and so on and so on. I’m like 4 months away from the part of the movie where the guy goes to the bar and starts his usual smart-mouthed routine to some sassy brunette, but this time the tables get turned and the guy realizes he’s met his match and everything he thought he knew was wrong and he learns about love. I can already see a horrible movie poster for that movie, with me facing one way and Minka Kelly (It’s my movie back off) facing the other way. I have a stupid grin with a remote control in one hand and a baseball in the other hand, and she has her hand out in one of those “Wait a minute, not this time” looks going on. It would take place here in Portland and the movie would be called Port-Love-dee-ah…..Fast forward to me dying alone in hopefully fifty years.
8:19 pm
Back from commercial and we join the reward challenge winners. Some natives of the island read the cue cards off camera welcoming the winners, under gunpoint apparently, because they all look terrified.
8:20 pm
Missy’s ankle is swelling up and hurting her, but she is saying that she won’t let that take her out of the game.
The spa food doesn’t look too bad. Keith is relishing the food. Keith has some weird facial hair thing going on, too. His beard is white, but his mustache is gold. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Stay golden, Pony Boy.
8:23 pm
Jon and Jackie try to tolerate each other as they are alone at camp. Jackie spells out what happened at the last vote, but Jon with his great instincts, quips, “ I don’t see Natalie flipping”. Dear lord.
8:25 pm
Immunity challenge time. Missy is walking with a stick and limp. Natalie gets handed rice that the other players brought for her, which makes her start crying. Missy then gets asked about her ankle, which makes her start crying. Baylor sees Missy crying so she starts crying. Keith gets shown a video of his firefighter buddies finding out that he had a “spa day” and he starts crying.
Missy gets examined by the doctor, starts crying, and gets told that her ankle may be broken. We go to commercial before we get confirmation that she is being pulled from the game. Does this mean she may not get pulled?
8:31 pm
Commercial: So if Missy gets taken out of the game, then I have to say all of our hopes and dreams lie with Natalie and Keith to win this game. I guess it would work out, because Natalie, Baylor and Keith would band together to take out Jon and Jackie. Would Jon and Jackie become sympathetic then?…No, I don’t want to live in a world (Survivor-world) where that happens. It could be a long shot, but maybe a blood-bath ensues between Natalie/Baylor vs Jon/Jackie, and Keith survives to win?
8:33 pm
We get the verdict and……………………..Missy will stay. We get more tears, which I think we can all agree we needed…not (I’m bringing back “not”….who’s with me?).
8:35 pm
The challenge this week is another stand-and-balance competition. Isn’t this like the fourth week in a row we have had one of these?
Jackie and Baylor get eliminated first in that order.
Basically, it’s Jon vs Natalie and Keith. As I wrote that, Keith gets eliminated. It comes down to Jon and Natalie. I could definitely live in a world where Jon wins immunity and the rest of the players decide to vote out Jackie….As I wrote that, Jon lost and Natalie is your immunity winner this week.
So here we go, will Jon and Jackie finally get split?
8:40 pm
Commercial: We get a preview for the new Hobbit movie. Look Peter Jackson, we get it…you’re a fan of this series. But The Hobbit was one book and somehow you have turned it into fourteen hours of film. I feel like we’re over this as a country. What I really think we need is Stephen King’s Dark Tower series to finally be made into a series of movies. Not sure if any of you have read those books, but it’s a pretty cool series. Granted, Stephen King was coked out of his head for books 3-5 and it gets a little crazy, but overall it would be an epic film series. Definitely, worth checking out if you haven’t already.
8:44 pm
Back from commercial and Natalie is bluffing to Jon and Jackie about voting out Keith. Will Magnum P.I. Jon figure out that she’s full of shit?
8:45 pm
Keith gets a chance at redemption tonight as he will be asked to play along. Hopefully, we won’t get a “stick with the plan” from him.
Baylor is concerned that Missy won’t play along, and as she tells her the plan, her concerns are proving right. Missy tells Baylor that she gave Jon her word and that she can’t break that. Didn’t Missy early on in the game lecture Baylor when Baylor told her about a deal she made with Josh? Didn’t Missy say something like “You’re playing Survivor; you have to lie” or something like that? Am I crazy?
8:47 pm
Missy tells us that she is conflicted. If you’re in Missy’s shoes, is it in your best interest to blindside Jon. I’m trying to take my anti-Jon glasses off for a second to ponder that. I guess she may be right because if Jon gets voted out, his rage will probably be towards Missy more so than anybody else.
8:48 pm
We arrive at Tribal Council. Alec arrives with a defiant presentation. He looks like a preppy lacrosse player that gets embroiled in college date-rape scandal.
8:49 pm
Right off the bat, before Jeff can get the words out of his mouth, Keith is in full-acting mode as everybody watching is horrified that he’s going to blow this. Just please shut up, Keith…Let it happen…Slow it down….Let it happen.
Jon shares that he has already visualized his final speech. Every member of the jury glares at him as if he just made a 9/11 joke.
8:51 pm
Mercifully, Jeff says it’s time for the vote…Here we go!
8:52 pm
We go to the votes. No idol gets played…And the next member of our Jury is………………..We get a tie between Jon, Jackie, and Keith…….
8:53 pm
We go to the votes…..And the next member of our jury is……………Jon!!
To Jon’s credit he goes out completely classy as he tells everybody “no hard feelings”. A nice guy, he just lacked the instincts to win the game.
Wrap-up:
I mean, I think we predicted the first time Jon found an idol weeks ago that he would leave the game with the idol in his pocket, right? We all knew this was going to end grizzly for him. It was like watching Johnny Depp in Blow; we knew that no matter what happened, it was only a matter of time before he was going down.
This is going to set the stage for quite the dynamic with Missy, Natalie, and Baylor. You could argue that Baylor turning on her mom could actually help her argument to the jury more than going to the finals with her. I think if she goes to the finals with her mom, it is just going to say that she is only there because of Missy… that she played in her shadow the whole game. If she votes out her mom, she can make the argument that she was willing to vote out her own mother to win this game, and even though she would still be an underdog in my opinion, her odds would be better. Natalie accomplished her goal, avenging Jeremy’s Survivor death, but what now? Will she see that Missy and Baylor are not getting split up, and therefore, she needs to partner up with Keith to turn on the mother/daughter pair?
Jackie again will be a swing pawn because nobody fears going to the finals with her… I would think.
Keith needs to stay quiet, and avoid as well as stay out of the inevitable girl passive-aggressive torture chamber that I’m sure is about to unfold after this last Jon vote out. Maybe he can find himself as the third person in a semi-majority alliance that he can ride into the finals. He has to root for some sort of implosion from one of the remaining players, all of which are female, so you have to think that the odds are good for one of them to implode. In fact, if Keith can survive an all-female camp, then maybe he does deserve to win this game.
