Previously on Survivor: Riverlands, the Brains finally got their act together and voted out Melisandre who issued an ominous warning to Jeff. Meanwhile, Brienne led the charge to vote out The Hound based on false information fed to her by fellow Giants ‘R’ Us alliance member Khal Drogo.
Sitting on a pile of cheese
OLENNA[/caption]
OLENNA: I told you we were the Crap for Brains tribe. There’s no way we’re not getting picked off one-by-one unless there’s a totally unbalanced tribe shake-up followed by former tribemates acting in total opposition of their best interests. (beat) So, you know, we’ll see what happens.
Somewhere in a field
PROBST: Tribe switcheroo. Everybody drop your buffs and pick a new one.
Sitting on a pile of cheese
(Olenna winks at the camera and holds up a finger as if to count “one”.)
Somewhere in a field
(Brienne is separated from the rest of the Brawns, who are now on the Ararmartyn tribe along with Jon Snow and Cersei. The Jorg tribe now consists of the three surviving brains: Tyrion, Olenna, and Daenerys; the three Beauty tribe members: Jaime, Margaery, and Ros; and Brienne.)
PROBST: Reward challenge time. See those huge poles?
ROS: Best. Challenge. Ever.
PROBST: One person on each tribe will hold on as long as they can while two people from the other tribe try to pry them off and drag them across the finish line. First to three wins. Wanna know what you’re playing for? Pie. Survivors ready? Go!
Round 1
(Ros and Brienne attack Yara in a sequence of gratuitous shots of Ros’s cleavage.)
(#YoureWelcome)
(The Hound wraps his arms and legs around the pole. Tyrion begins pulling on his left big toe.)
THE HOUND: That’s adorable.
(Jon Snow and Ygritte slide Margaery across the finish line like a curling stone.)
(Drogo drags Brienne across the finish line. Ararmartyn wins.)
On Ararmartyn beach
YARA: I can’t stand Ygritte. This is the most ridiculous situation I’ve ever put myself in, and I just wish I hadn’t.
THE HOUND: Let’s kill her. It gives me joy to kill people. Killing’s the sweetest thing there is. Killing, and Corner Bakery Café lemon squares. Those things are delicious, am I right?
YARA: I think maybe you should sleep out on the beach tonight.
Elsewhere on Ararmartyn beach
YGRITTE: Hey, Jon Snow. You’re from the North, too? Where’d you go to high school?
JON SNOW: Castle Black. Class of, well, never.
YGRITTE: You like fur coats and snow drifts?
JON SNOW: Yeah, I guess.
YGRITTE: We’re BFFs now. Also, I love you.
Over on Jorg beach
BRIENNE: I’m honored to be part of this new tribe, and I swear I’m not secretly aligned with Khal Drogo and the rest of my former tribe, and I swear to loyally protect you, and –
DAENERYS: Yeah, yeah. We get it.
BRIENNE: Fun fact: all of the people that got sent to the beach early in the first episode got to choose between a clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol or an extra bag of rice for the tribe.
JAIME: Oh, snap. Ros, you’re totally exposed.
ROS: I’m used to it.
Later on Jorg beach
(Tyrion, Daenerys, and Olenna are standing in the river, which comes up to Tyrion’s chin. Ros approaches.)
ROS: Hey, hey, hey! Let me in your alliance? I’m very bendy.
Slightly later on Jorg beach
(Tyrion, Daenerys, and Olenna are playing Sudoku in the sand. Margaery approaches.)
MARGAERY: Hey, guys. Let me in your alliance. I’m great at twerking, which makes me a real asset in future challenges, which are most certain to be twerk-based.
Not much later on Jorg beach
(Tyrion, Daenerys, and Olenna are building a model of King’s Landing with twigs. Jaime approaches.)
JAIME: See that cliff over there? If you don’t let me in your alliance, I’ll shove all of you off of it. If you tell Margaery or Ros that I talked to you, I’ll shove all of you off of it.
Sitting on a pile of cheese
(Olenna winks at the camera and holds up two fingers as if to count “two”.)
Somewhere in a field
PROBST: Time for your immunity challenge. With only two tribes, we only need one idol, so we’ll get rid of the small little brother. And keep mama. Or daddy. I’m not really sure.
JON SNOW: Wait. The big brother is the dad now? Or the mom? I’m confused.
CERSEI: Makes total sense to me.
PROBST: Whatever. Each tribe is going to thrust a large log through two walls, then use it to maneuver through a maze and bang a gong in our most phallic challenge to date.
TYRION: Shame Littlefinger missed this.
(The tribes penetrate the challenge. Jorg wins.)
On Jorg beach
DROGO: (unintelligible Dothraki)
THE HOUND: Agreed. Jon Snow’s hair is better than all of ours. He’s going home first.
Later on Jorg beach
YGRITTE: I want to make an alliance with Jon Snow because he’s dreamy. And also you and Cersei. Growl unintelligibly if you agree.
DROGO: (unintelligible Dothraki)
YGRITTE: Cool.
Later at a very rainy Tribal Council
PROBST: Former Brawn tribe, this is your first tribal council. As you know, in Survivor fire represents li—
(The Hound screams like a girl.)
PROBST: What’s with him?
YARA: His brother burned half his face off. Not a big fan of fire, Jeff.
(The Hound sits with his back to the fire.)
THE HOUND: (calling over his shoulder) People have to understand that this game is about numbers, Jeff!
YGRITTE: Numbers are important, but numbers are only important if they work for you. If not, then maybe you have to make other arrangements for yourself.
(Ygritte sloppily blows a kiss at Jon Snow.)
PROBST: It’s time to vote.
(They vote.)
PROBST: And the fifth person voted out of Survivor: Riverlands is… The Hound. Please bring me your torch. It’s time for you—
THE HOUND: Get it yourself.
(The Hound runs away, not down the path out of Tribal Council, but crashing straight through the woods.)
Somewhere between the Trident River and Ponderosa
THE HOUND: What the eff is a Lommy?
