SurvivorSurvivor: Cagayan

Survivor Stream of Consciousness: Night of the Living Tony

7:50 p.m.

As we’re closing in on the last few chapters of this season, it struck me today that this season is like a shitty horror/thriller movie wherein we know who the killer is (Tony), but the rest of the characters don’t know. They are helpless in avoiding him, and each week one of them is getting killed off…It’s like this comically awful death from Friday the 13th.

Tony has basically been wearing a Jason hockey mask for the past four weeks (and like Jason, he carries a machete and an assortment of other dangerously sharp blades), but nobody knows how to stop him so they just run away from him. With each Survivor death, it seems that Tony is growing stronger. In every horror movie if the people involved would have banded together early on before they each got picked off, they would have stood a much better chance of taking out the bad guy, but when numbers dwindle, it almost becomes too late to take down the killer.

There are still about 5 minutes till the show starts, so here’s my quick online dating update: four dinners, one tetanus shot, and a weird rash, and I’m still being a little “choosy.”  One girl I kind of liked who was really cute turned out to be really nutty, which is just a reality in this world. All Some women are loons unique, so the goal is to find one that has coping skills already built in to manage her crazy uniqueness or is heavily medicated enough so she’s numb and won’t do things like take seven casual selfie pics of herself in a bathroom with a hand on her hip. It’s like Survivor… you have to withstand the harsh conditions surrounding you and be able to have enough belief in yourself that you will know when to make your move.

8 p.m.

Previously on Survivor (Jeff  Probst’s voice): Tony grows more powerful as he becomes a killer that is blobbing his way into the finals.

Spencer somehow still hasn’t grown facial hair yet after 30 days out here,  so we’re concerned that he might have somehow smuggled in a Mach 3 razor…a clear advantage in the game. Kass and I continue to show solidarity by matching our teal shirts and procreating like rabbits every chance we get. We’ve already talked about getting a townhouse in Hermosa Beach while Kass carries our child. I think this relationship has legs! We already have a song…and a video that perfectly shows what our relationship is all about….

Black-and-white Survivor: This week’s crazy scary animal looks like a velociraptor. I think having a raptor on Survivor would add a cool element to the game….I mean, come on…it’s better than Exile Island…

Tony quizzes Trish at gun point as to why he made the move without telling anybody…Luckily she passes and gets to pound fists with him.

Kass is clearly not happy, but even under stress is able to navigate the always tough “Fool me once, shame on…”. Saying that chewed up and spit out former President Bush.

Seriously, can you believe that was our president? Gun to your head, your life in the balance, would you go with Bush or Palin in Trivial Pursuit? Tough one, I know….

Kass calls Tony a hothead….Tony overtalks with his arms and Kass is not having it. She calls him a jerk. Everybody is nervous. It’s like an awkward family dinner when Papa gets a little too drunk and weird stuff is happening all around you:

Tony calms down and apologizes. Kass smugly says “Good for you.”…lol…We leave the scene with everybody asleep, but Tony is standing ominously around looking at everyone.

The next morning we get Spencer apparently interviewing Tony about being a cop, as Spencer is clearly gunning for a Rob Has a Website correspondence gig…You’ve got to pay your dues before you get a prestigious job like that, Spencer. I would like to see what type of cop Tony is. I could see him being an awesome cop, and I can see him maybe being a dirty cop like Richard Gere in Internal Affairs.

Kass is somewhat bitter towards Tony. Either she is paranoid by claiming Tony called her “bitch” or she is lying…Kass is reverting back to week one and two Kass when she appeared to play a more vocal and treacherous role, but now she doesn’t have the same power as she did then.

Kass claims that she doesn’t want to be a part of Tony’s cult and then adds that she wants to “kill” the cult leader. Should have struck while the iron was hot to get Tony out a few weeks ago….

Commercial: We get a preview for the new Godzilla movie…I guess Bryan Cranston is in it, but unless he’s playing Walter White in the movie then I think it will be a dud. Walter White vs. Godzilla would be pretty sweet though…Maybe like The Avengers movie, they can do that format with the best TV characters of all time! I mean, who would be against Walter White–Tony Soprano (Yes, I know he died in the show and in real life), Omar from The Wire, Alex P. Keaton, and Danny Tanner come together to fight Godzilla? I could write that movie right now. Walter White would be the brains of the operation, Tony Soprano would provide the muscle, Omar would be the wildcard, Alex P. Keaton would handle the finances, and Danny Tanner would give the emotional talks at the end to make everybody feel good about themselves.

Welcome back from commercial with Tony demolishing a coconut. I bet during the caveman days, that is exactly what a Cro-Magnon eating a coconut looked like.

Tony wants to squash his beef with Kass. It does not go well. Kass is calling him a liar while building a rock castle (Seriously, I think she was building a rock castle on the beach).

Trish tries to calm down Tony. It’s not working. I wonder how Trish really feels about how things are going. She is carrying herself as if she is Tony’s hostage who has sympathy for him.

Tasha is liking this friction as Tony and Kass go at it again. Kass is being all lawyer-ish and is going at Tony the way F. Lee Bailey went at Mark Furhman in the O.J. trial.

We get to the reward challenge where Jeff eyeballs Tony with a little “Stay the F away from my girl” look. Jeff announces that the reward prize is the annual “Survivor Cares” prize, in which they will go to a local school with supplies and food. Will Sally Struthers be there?!!!


8:15 p.m.

Tasha and Spencer represent their two teams in a puzzle-off. Tasha dominates early and then summons her inner J’tia and chokes horribly while Spencer, Kass, and Woo win reward and now have to act like they’re happy about this prize. I think they would have been happier with a ten dollar Taco Bell package at this stage of the game.

Commercial: Next on CBS’s The Talk, Sharon Stone…yikes…What happened to her? I can’t think of one movie she has been in over the past twelve years other than the forgettable Basic Instinct sequel. How far away are we from her headlining a Lifetime movie where she plays a battered wife trying to leave her abusive husband of the past twenty years? I say it happens in 2015. Any takers on that bet? It’s really weird to think that she was one of the biggest movie stars in the early 90’s…albeit all from showing her private lady parts….

Woo gets the role of playing the part of the Survivor player that has to oversell the excitement of winning the “humanity” Survivor reward. Do we think these are real kids from there or were they flown in just for this segment?

Woo turns this into a one man show, doing martial arts and dribbling a ball like he’s one of the Harlem Globetrotters. I’m pretty sure they just used the Lost set from the Dharma Initiative school. I think I saw Richard Alpert in the back of the class trying to recruit one of the extras into joining the “others.”

Kass is tired of this fun and games; it’s time to get down to business as she tells the boys it’s time to flush the idol. She wants to split the votes between Tony and Trish. I thought Kass was aligned with Trish, but I guess that is out the window, as she really is going back to week one-two Kass.

Spencer is humoring Kass. Woo is pretty weak though and Spencer sees through that. Woo is in pure Keanu Reeves mode.

Keanu Woo looks rattled when Spencer and Kass are talking to him about flipping on Tony. He looks like Johnny Utah when Swayze is telling him he has to rob the bank with the ex-presidents.  I really want him to look into the camera and go: “I’m an FBI Agent.”

Woo goes on to tell them that as of right now he is with them on flipping, but I think it’s safe to say his word is not exactly as strong as oak. Spencer and Kass may be left in the wind like Jerry Maguire.

Spencer shares the plan with Tasha. Tasha is on board; she would be on board to vote out Jesus Christ at this point, as her life is on the line.

Trish finally wakes up for the first time in three episodes and floats the idea that Kass is most likely going to flip. Woo comes over and for the time being does not share the conversations he had with Kass and Spencer.

Tony completely reads what happened with Woo, Spencer, and Kass. In hindsight, Woo should have told the truth to Tony and just lied about his intentions to flip, because Tony is right, there is no way Kass or Spencer would not have brought the idea up to flip on Tony.


8:30 p.m.

Commerical: Can I just pimp what I think is the best new drama on TV? I think Fargo is that show. It’s really well-written and the acting is great. Billy Bob Thornton hasn’t been this creepy since he was carrying around a vile of Angelina Jolie’s blood when they were dating. If you haven’t seen it yet, then I strongly recommend that you check it out.

We get to the immunity challenge next. Tasha hands the immunity necklace back in, which has me thinking that she really has made herself a target with all those wins. I mean, she needed to win at least two of them to save her Survivor life, so you can’t blame her for that, but I wonder if she will be on the chopping block beside Tony if she loses.

It’s a memory game challenge in which they have to count and remember the total number counted. I would use the  jersey numbers of athletes to remember the numbers, because I’m like Rain Man when it comes to remembering the uniform numbers of athletes in professional sports. I would be like:  Joe Montana (16), Michael Jordan(23), Chris Weber(4), John Taylor(82)…

Spencer wins immunity. Very interesting…Does this make Tasha or Trish the target after Tony? I feel that Woo is going to wuss out and Tasha might get shanked.

Commercial: Random question… If Jeff Probst decides to leave Survivor, which former game show host do you think should host the show? The obvious answer is Wink Martindale.

But let’s think outside the box…How about the old host from the show Studs?

My cousin was on that show, so it has a special place in my heart.


8:45 p.m.

We come back from commercial with Tasha claiming that she is not done, and there is havoc to wreak before tribal tonight. I don’t think Tasha has the capability to wreak the havoc needed to potentially save herself.

Spencer, Tasha and Keanu Woo decide that they’re going to split the votes between Tony and Trish.

Tony is put off by Tasha not scrambling and rightly assumes that something is up. He says that he doesn’t want to use his special idol tonight.

Tasha and Kass talk with Tasha calling Tony the new Russell Hantz, which makes Kass think that maybe she should keep him around. This would be quite the double-cross by Kass. I’m pretty sure Kass is not exactly Mother Teresa or Morgan 😉 in the minds of the jury…I think Kass will have some bitterness to contend with just as Tony will.

Tribal Council: Jefra comes in like a San Quentin inmate eyeballing everybody in the game.

Tasha tries to throw Tony under the bus. Tony claims that loyalty is going to play through….kind of funny. Is he trying to browbeat Kass, Woo, and Trish?

Trish randomly sticks up for Tony like she has Stockholm Syndrome or something. Maybe Trish is just laying low until the numbers get a little lower.

It seems that Tony will play an idol and Tasha will go home.

We go to the votes…Wow, Tony doesn’t play the idol…I guess if worse comes to worst, he can play the special idol….

No need for Tony to play that idol as Tasha gets the boot. This was very good for you, #TeamTony fans…two idols and two more votes until the final three, right? So Tony is going to the finals, right?

Tasha, you came into the game a little flip-floppy, but you turned out to be a beast in competitions. Tasha will take her place on the jury, but not before getting her goodbye song….

The ironic thing about Tasha is that she was on the Brains team, but she seemed to struggle with the strategy of Survivor; however, she excelled at the physical part of the game. She turned out to be more Brawn than Brain.

Next time on Survivor preview: It looks like Kass and Trish are going to get into some heated verbal altercation. It will be interesting to see if that will have a big enough impact to shift the heat from Spencer onto Kass. Tony will continue to be targeted but with the two idols he can walk around with two middle fingers pointed at everybody for the rest of the game, which would be entertaining to watch. Like I said at the start of tonight, this is a horror movie, with Tony as our lovable slasher, and time is slipping away for everybody else….

My power rankings for this week:

  1. Tony
  2. Trish
  3. Kass

I think one of these three people will win the game. I would bet on Spencer’s run coming to an end next week, even though I would like to see Kass get the boot. Let me know who your top three are and why. Thanks for reading!!!!!!

Become a patron of RHAP