The Bachelorette

Guest Post: Who Kissed Bachelorette Emily the Best?

A Bachelorette Guest Post from Parasocial Dude

One of the most fascinating aspects of the Bachelor franchise is sizing up the smoochies. A kiss says a lot about the future of the relationship. It certainly isn’t the central factor in a Bachelor or Bachelorette’s ultimate decision, as evidenced by last season’s “best kisser” winner Jennifer, but it still speaks volumes.

This week we have three notable lip locks: Chris, Sean and Arie. From the looks of it, it is Sean for the win and here is why:

Chris, the first one-on-one date getter, turns out to be quite similar to the bobble-head he gifted Emily with in the premiere. It seemed almost every phrase he uttered was accompanied by an unnecessary cranial sway. But this is beside the point, Chris’ kiss itself was not all that notable, but what prefaced the kiss says it all: “Can I kiss you” is just about the least romantic approach to carnal expression around. Polite is one thing, but Chris’ timidity is going to hurt him in the end. He was one of my front-runners in the first episode, but his inconsistency of character is starting to send up more red flags for me than his being a mere one year younger than Emily. Plus, if he is from Chicago and a dude… chances are he is lying about liking country music.

The next notable pucker-monkey was Arie. After experiencing the glory that is Dollywood, Arie makes a move without validating the plausibility of such an encroachment. Arie has a personality suited for Emily, but his kissing techniques fell flat for me. He applied the Hoover maneuver, essentially sucking her in with his hyperbolic pursing. Once fully suctioned, he turned out to be a wet-vac as well. The sloppy factor was enough to make a schnauzer gag. Bad form, sir.

Then, there was Sean. He laid it on heavy with his God-loving in this episode and surely he thought the eye in the sky was watching him as he wrangled Emily’s mouth-hole with a tenderness and control that was admirable. He didn’t ask if could kiss her and he didn’t lick her face, so in terms of who won the Kiss Party this week, Sean’s mature first-kiss tactics worked. He came off appropriately passionate given Emily’s own romantic banality.

Speaking of banality, back to the top: Aren’t attention getters supposed to do just that? Instead, the episode wasted a solid five spot as Emily, her mom and Ricky sat around in her bedroom saying next to nothing to each other, which the editors juxtaposed to intermittent shots of horses standing around. I guess this is the equivalent of Survivor’s scorpion or sea life transition shots. I could see Emily’s power animal being a pony, easily.

Then Chris’ date came and he got all Spiderman with her and power-walked up the side of a skyscraper. This was after a thrilling conversation where she told him how good –looking he was, to which he replied with an astute observation about the weather. First date and he discusses the weather… It’s looking more and more like he is just a big kid as emphasized by the high-five they shared at the top of the building.

Roof-top dinners are almost as frequent as helicopter rides in the show, but what I couldn’t remember enjoying on a previous episode was the gratuitous use of percussion music. As Emily notes she wouldn’t approach Chris at a bar and he follows by admitting his own trepidations in the art of play, audiences are entreated with some serious pornesque tunes. Seemingly misplaced amidst their awkward vibe, it was the kind of erotic moment those of the Liz Lemon variety would prolly melt for.

The group date dominator was Ryan. She tossed him the football twice and his “Ooooooo-eeeee”ing was out of control. That being said, I think he stuck his neck out a little too far and will inevitably be Ned Starked. When she asked if he was ready to be a dad, his “mmmhmmm” was hesitant and flaccid. Then when he later invades the girl talk, it becomes clear his cockiness outweighs his confidence. In one of the most priceless lines of the season he admits to Emily and her friends, “If you get fat I will still love you, but I won’t love on you as much.” Vulgar much? Not to mention, Emily’s own not-so-slim friend was there to scoff audibly. His D-bag-factor is going through the roof.

I was ecstatic at the return of Emily’s She-Wolf pack; mostly due to her blonde friend Wendy’s lusty, “nothing is off limits” presence. I honestly think were there no cameras she would have hit on Sean herself. Actually, she sort of did anyway. “Take off your shirt,” “Do some push-ups” and then taking it to the next level by sitting on his bare-back while he did push-ups. Yowser. Christian dudes get all the cougars.

During the “Attack of the Kids” segment, a couple things stuck out to me. Jeph going down the tube slide backward, while silly and fun, came off more of a figurative slam on his own new-born qualities. Ryan’s patronizing skull grip of one of the youngster was also off-putting.

Then the final date, Mister Arie’s Wild Ride, was completely overshadowed by Dolly and her “amusement park”. Not sure most people would find the glorified carnival all that amusing, but Emily sure did. In fact, Emily’s being star-stuck by Kermit last week didn’t even compare to her geeking-out on Dolly. Poor Arie seemed a distant memory as Emily looked deep in the eyes of Queen Dolly.

Emily is losing me more and more each week. Besides having literally nothing fresh to say, and being really really terrible at making jokes, she admitted her biggest flaw last night. “I don’t have any talents, but I am a good mom”. Her self-worth is sickening and vicariously wrapped in her child. It makes me sad for her more than anything. Gotta give her credit for self-awareness though, but it’s hard not to consider the type of message that sends to young women watching the show. In Emily’s eyes, she can’t be complete without a man and that is simply a terrible message to perpetuate.

Other highlights: Kalon all but telling her to shut up. He’s doomed. The death of Shelly the Egg was a smash. Travis the Eggman is about to get scrambled himself though. Alessandro’s bumbling and fumbling and ultimate self-destruction via the word compromise made for some delectable TV. And poor Tony demonstrating that sometimes there is such a thing as too sensitive was memorable. I know I am not the only one that is going to miss Stevie the Troll. I haven’t seen someone do the worm that effectively since Andrea Boehlke.

“Livin’ like a gypsy cannon”.


Follow Parasocial Dude on twitter, @ParasocialDude and check out the site for his upcoming series

Become a patron of RHAP