Beloved Survivor: Why They Were Cast
Everyone’s cast for a reason. Whether it’s a good or bad reason doesn’t matter. You think a million dollars is on the line? Tell that to President of CBS Entertainment, Nina Tassler, and she’d laugh in your face. Actually, she’s too keen to laugh in a fool’s face. She’d simply smirk.
Sex, conflict and humor are the three main reasons why people are cast. Casting Director, Lynne Spillman, said so herself. They’re casting a TV show, not a sports team. This is important to remember if you choose to analyze the players and their actions.
Also to note, players do not have an equal chance at being crowned Sole Survivor. In an 18-person season such as Brawn vs Brains vs Beauty, each player has a 5.55% chance at winning a million dollars on paper, yet this couldn’t be further from the truth on sand. I won’t delve into this topic any deeper because I fear hate mail as much as I fear puppies. Wait, does he actually fear puppies or is he just being a d*ck?
Now that we’re off to a friendly start, I shall formally introduce you to my weekly Survivor column, Beloved Survivor. This is where I’ll be discussing anything I find interesting about the show and its most recent episode.
Without further ado, lets breakdown the cast with a delightful, all-knowing attitude:
First, I checked out the players’ pictures and wrote down my incredibly superficial reactions. Then I read their written bios, wrote down more commentary and included an out of context answer of theirs. From there, I watched the players’ video bios and wrote down even more nonsense. Lastly, I came up with 100% accurate reasoning on why each person was cast.
BRAWN
Look at how happy he is![/caption]
Cliff, 46
Photo: Look at how happy he is! Are you looking? He has to know he’s spreading joy with a smile that.
Written bio: His profile is short and sweet. I love it. It’s like saying, “Lets cut the bullsh*t, CBS. I’m a former NBA player, I stand out from a crowd and I want to play. You’re putting me on no matter what I write down.”
Why You Think You Will Be the Sole SURVIVOR: I think I would do well in challenges. I also have a good ability to make people feel comfortable with me.
His entire bio was like this. I love it! You already said that. I know. That’s how much I love it. That’s three times now.
Video bio: He has a calm demeanor and wants to do well. I don’t see him winning, but Uncle Cliffy is long for this game.
Reason cast: NFL? Check. MLB? Check. NBA? Check it out. That was a subtle Beastie Boys reference. No one cares.
Lindsey, 29
Photo: System overload. Brain going into safe mode! I want to say she’s going to be incredibly sweet, but something tells me she’s suppose to be the spunky b*tch. Judge a book by its cover much?
Written bio: I… I don’t know where to begin. Actually, lets begin with the last answer in her bio…
Who Do You Think Has the Best Chance in the Game of Survivor: Brains, Beauty or Brawn? Challenges go to Brawns. Beauties are better at the social game. Ultimately, it’s a social game, not a physical competition, so unless someone is a master manipulator on the Brawn tribe or is a socio-path, a Brawn will win.
There has to be a typo, right?
- “Challenges go to Brawn.” – Okay, got it.
- “Beauties are better at the social game.” – I’m still with you.
- “It’s a social game, not a physical competition…” – Brilliant statement. 100% true.
- “… Unless someone is a master manipulator on the Brawn tribe or a socio-path, a Brawn will win.” – And now I’m lost.
She must have meant, “a Beauty will win”. Nothing else would make sense based on her previous statements. Cut Lindsey some slack and make the change, CBS. If you want to help her out even more, edit her into the Beauty tribe.
Video bio: She has a good sense of humor. Will stress and emotion take away her humor or make it stronger? Regardless, I think she’s going to crumble under the immense pressures of the game.
Reason cast: To be the sometimes humorous, fish out of water.
Sarah, 29
Photo: Someone looks happy to be here! Appears to be insanely competitive, but a softie on the inside.
Written bio: She’s a little intimidating with some of her answers.
Why You Think You Will Be the Sole SURVIVOR: I have the brains and skills to dominate this game. I’m very strategic and determined. I interview people on a daily basis and get confessions. I will destroy this game.
Words are powerful. In Sarah’s case, her words are powerful in more ways than one. Check ‘em out – “dominate”, “determined”, “get confessions”, “destroy”. She’s prime for a force-fed lesson on social grace. Why can’t a woman be assertive?
Video bio: This isn’t going to work out well for Sarah. I wouldn’t be surprised if she takes down others with her.
Reason cast: To be the over competitive, emotional basket case.
Tony, 39
Photo: Boy, Ace Gordon (Gabon) put on some muscle. Look at this guy. He’s saying, “I know I’m better than everyone else and everyone else will know it, too.” See, the first part of that sentence is okay; it’s the latter part that will get you into trouble. Um, it’s not okay to think you’re better than other people.
Written bio: Count the sentences and exclamation points below…
Why You Think You’ll “Survive” SURVIVOR: Adapt and overcome! That’s the kind of training I have as a cop and that’s exactly what I’m going to do on that island! Adapt and I will overcome!
Was he shouting when he wrote this? Did he pound the table and start chugging a beer after that third sentence? Are those even sentences?
Video bio: Ton-ay! My man. What’s going on? Oh sorry, that was my Italian Jersey side rearing its ugly head. I hope he sticks around. He’s likeable and willing to do whatever it takes. That’s my boy, Ton-ay!
Reason cast: To be the likeable, frustrated villain.
Trish, 48
Photo: Something tells me she’s a talker. My nerves are preparing for agitation.
Written bio: Do you like Troy Robertson (One World)? Me neither. Yes! I loved his passion for the game! Really? Well, you’re in luck then. The female version has arrived.
Reason for Being on SURVIVOR: From the birth of Survivor, everyone has told me I would be the best survivor “Survivor” ever had. I have diligently put tapes in when I thought the tape was the right time, and I believe years of manifesting and believing in myself and my girls at ages they are at, that this was the time to prove to not only myself but all the thousands of people I know DREAMS COME TRUE! Trick is you have to make them happen and never lose sight of your dreams. Dream Big!!
Sorry, I was choking on my own vomit. I’m okay now. Oh that’s too bad. What was that? I SAID, OH THAT’S TOO BAD. AS IN I WOULDN’T MIND IF YOU KEPT CHOKING. Yikes. I knew I shouldn’t have acknowledged you.
Video bio: Hey, she’s not so bad! Thank you for keeping my nerves unbothered and my stomach settled.
Reason cast: To be the try-hard underdog.
Woo, 29
Photo: We’re on the Brains tribe already? I thought there were suppose to be… Boooo! Cheap humor! I know, I know – cheaper than $5 hooker Tuesdays. I have no idea if that’s a thing. I swear. Anyway, he looks like he skateboards, surfs and enjoys a certain type of plant.
Written bio: Try to find the problem with Woo’s statement below…
SURVIVOR Contestant You Are Most Like: With my martial arts experience, my game is very strong, humble, grateful and respectful, much like Ozzy.
Do those adjectives apply to Ozzy Lusth (Cook Islands)? Benjamin Wade (Tocantins) would say no. And as much as I despise agreeing with Benjamin, he would appear to be right.
One second, I need to go wash my brain with bleach. That’s not possible and it’s not funny. Tough crowd.
Video bio: He’s the kind of guy you want to hang out with at first. After a while though, you begin to wonder if there’s more to him or not. Eh, that was mean. Can I take it back? No. You’re an ass.
Reason cast: To unknowingly screw up his and his alliance’s game.
BRAINS
David, 45
Photo: I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but he has “weasel alert” written all over him. David Murphy (Redemption Island) and Jim Rice (South Pacific) are two names that come to mind. Nice guys, sure. But they all wear “WEASEL” tattooed on their foreheads.
Written bio: His answers fatigue me.
Why You Think You’ll “Survive” SURVIVOR: My persistence in getting tasks done and by leading without actually being a leader.
People who have uncontrollable desires to lead and say they don’t need to be a leader always have issues when tribe leadership comes up. Always! He’s going to be grating.
Video bio: Crap. I kind of like him. He wasn’t as smarmy as I thought he’d be. But still, I think my gut feeling is going to ring true. At some point he’s not going to get his way and when that happens, I think he’ll combust.
Reason cast: To surprise in the beginning and give us a grand finale at his exit. Like fireworks! I’m growing on you, aren’t I? Nope.
Garret, 27
Photo: Do you think he works out? I don’t know. It’s debatable. He looks a tad too confident and may prove socially inept.
Written bio: Ah, sh*t. He just got delivered from the douche factory. OR he has an extremely dry sense of humor and it’s just not coming across on paper. You’re giving him too much credit.
If You Could Have 3 Things on The Island What Would They Be and Why? One big picture of all the people closest to me in my life to prevent loneliness, one long chain email between myself and my four best friends for endless hilarity, and a naked picture of a girl I enjoy hooking up with, in case all the attractive girls get voted off early.
He has to be joking. HAS TO BE.
Video bio: His smirks tell me he knows what he’s saying. But I don’t see much humor in him. Can he be humble when he needs to be? My instincts tell me no. Mainly because he made it seem like Survivor is formulaic and it’s far from it.
Reason cast: To be like Albert Destrade (South Pacific) with a better body and an ounce more charm.
J’Tia, 31
Photo: Is there a smile farm that I don’t know about? Superb smile. I want to be her friend, but she kind of scares me. Oh an intelligent, black woman scares you, too? How typical. What? No. I never said that. It’s just… [stop typing, stop typing]
Written bio: Why yes, I would love some self-awareness sprinkles on my chocolate ice cream. You’re disgusting. Thanks.
Do You Consider Yourself a Brain, a Beauty or a Brawn? I’m definitely easy on the eyes but I’m a true Brain at heart. I would say I’m 1/4 Beauty, 3/4 Brain. My answer, in which I give myself a narcissistic compliment and then use fractions, pretty much confirms this.
Possessing the ability to make narcissism attractive is like science and art making sweet love on a hilltop overlooking the ocean while the sun is setting.
Video bio: Hey, I’m not afraid anymore. That was a Home Alone reference – only the first 17 seconds are relevant. None of it is relevant. Please remind me why you were afraid in the first place? Oh that’s right, because you’re a p*ssy. Okay, now I’m afraid of you.
In all seriousness, if she can keep her thoughts to herself when she gets annoyed, she’ll go far.
Reason cast: To share her strong opinions and be a strategic threat.
Kass, 41
Photo: Remember Nina Acosta (One World)? Me neither. If you brought up Nina by name you obviously remember her. Fine, you’re right. I negated my entire joke before it even started. Anyway, she looks smart and laid back.
Written bio: If this game involved a bunch of 30-60 year olds, she’d be sitting pretty.
Do You Consider Yourself a Brain, a Beauty or a Brawn? We all know I’m not here because of how I look in a bikini. I have a tendency to think I’m smarter than a lot of people, but don’t we all? I guess not or you wouldn’t be asking the question. There you have it – those are the analytical skills that prove I must be a Brain!
She’s an older Sophie Clarke with a bit more social grace.
Video bio: She’s kind of just ‘there’. Apparently it’s her strategy for the game and in life. I definitely believe her, but it isn’t all that entertaining at the moment.
Reason cast: To be the older woman trying to find her way in a young person’s game.
Spencer, 21
Photo: Poor guy doesn’t stand a chance. Where’s John Cochran (South Pacific), Jr. going to fit in?
Written bio: Oh, he’s the evil John Cochran. Now I get it.
Why You Think You Will Be the Sole SURVIVOR: I’m the chess expert who can plan my victory 10 moves in advance. I can use economic game theory to know the incentives of those around me. I’m the only guy who has these skills and is still personable enough to win. Think of me as a John Cochran who doesn’t suck.
Personable? He’s insanely smart, but he doesn’t seem to know the definition of personable.
Video bio: I was wrong. He’s not evil Cochran, Jr. He’s young Matt Quinlan (One World)! Smart with the books; not smart with the humans.
Reasons cast: To be the classic Survivor think-it-all, putz. I don’t want to make your head any bigger, but this was spot on. I know. Ugh.
Tasha, 37
Photo: She seems so warm and friendly. I bet she gives good hugs.
Written bio: Even though Tasha seems like a sweetheart, I’m going to be picking on her in a second – my sincerest apologies in advance. I doubt you’re ever sincere. That was good. I’m liking you more and more.
If You Could Have 3 Things on The Island What Would They Be and Why? The Bible—I am a person of faith and seek God’s guidance on a daily basis; my “Pushing Past Stopping Points” bracelet—I wear this bracelet as a reminder that when my body wants to stop, my mind can will me forward; and a toothbrush—my mom has always said, “If you don’t take care of anything else, take care of your teeth.
Soapbox time! If you’re super religious and you go on Survivor, you’re going to have a bad time. Phew, that wasn’t as cruel as I thought it’d be.
Video bio: What a lovely personality. Unfortunately, I believe her personality is going to shrink and hide when the game begins.
Reason cast: To show the world how difficult Survivor is for people with a strong belief in God. Oh no wonder. He’s an atheist! Hey, this isn’t about me.
BEAUTY
Alexis, 21
Photo: She’s cute and seems bubbly. Bubbly could turn into annoying real fast though. I’ll probably like her assets. That was inappropriate. Really? It’s a compliment! [Editor’s note: Ahem]
Written bio: Social intelligence is strong in this one.
Who Do You Think Has the Best Chance in the Game of Survivor: Brains, Beauty or Brawn? I would say beauties for the mere fact that they possess the least threatening label. No one would expect a beauty to be a challenge threat or a strategic player, so they enter the game with the smallest target on their back.
I think I’m in love. Oh crap, one of her pet peeves is, “Guys who turn into ‘Stage five clingers’”. What if a guy STARTS at Stage Five Clinger? No, you’re an idiot.
Video bio: I don’t want to keep complimenting her. Where are her flaws? This is where she would giggle and say, “I have plenty of them!” Smooth, Lexi, real smooth. By the way, I can call you Lexi, right? No? Okay, great. You make me sick.
Reason cast: To be a big game player in a small package.
Brice, 27
Photo: Jean jacket in the house! It has spikey shoulder things, too. I know. I have eyes. He pulls it off, right? Yes, now stop stating the obvious. Good call. I know nothing about fashion anyway. His facial expression says, “Please. This is way too easy.”
Written bio: This is going to sound cruel, but I kind of feel bad for him after reading his bio.
Do You Consider Yourself a Brain, a Beauty or a Brawn? I would consider myself the package deal. I’m very easy on the eyes (beauty). I’m college educated, have common sense, am very socially aware and have street smarts (brains). Plus, I consider myself to be physically fit; I’m a natural born runner (brawn). So I’m a three for one kind of deal.
He claims self-awareness, but his entire bio screams wanting to be heard – like he yearns for respect. I hope I’m wrong because I wanted to like Brice.
Video bio: He’s tough to analyze. It’s almost as though he’s self-aware, but only after the moment has passed.
Reason cast: To get caught up in the action and react quickly.
Jefra, 22
Photo: All I see are clothes. What are all these clothes? Why are you such a pig? I’m ignoring you. She looks like she’ll be a mix between Natalie White (Samoa) and Chelsea Meissner (One World).
Written bio: She has an amazing answer to every question.
Why You Think You Will Be the Sole SURVIVOR: In my 22 years of life, I have already survived cervical cancer, losing everything financially, the disease of addiction and more. It takes a fighter to survive this world and that’s what I am.
It’s impossible not to root for her. Impossible!
Video bio: Insert unique ‘Jefra sure isn’t bland’ joke. Everything tells me to underestimate her, but I know if I do, she’ll prove me wrong.
Reason cast: To be like Natalie White.
Jeremiah, 34
Photo: Bobby Jon Drinkard (Palau) 2.0
Written bio: Down to earth with plenty of humility.
Do You Consider Yourself a Brain, a Beauty or a Brawn? I figured Brawn. I’m not the smartest or prettiest guy.
Video bio: He’s a genuinely nice human being. And because of this, he doesn’t stand a chance. Nice guys don’t always finish last! I was going to make a sex joke here, but this confession alone should suffice.
Reason cast: To give genuinely nice people someone to root for.
LJ, 34
Photo: His body language and facial expression say, “Everything is easy for me, so why wouldn’t this be?” I might believe him.
Written bio: I like his answers. He seems like he has a good head on his shoulders.
Why You Think You Will Be the Sole SURVIVOR: My athleticism will carry me through the early stages, my charm through the middle, and smarts to play through to the end.
Again, sound answer. But can he back it up?
Video bio: I’m not sure he’s willing to cut his competitors’ figurative throats. He’ll compete hard and lead alliances, but I just don’t see that sociopathic twinkle in his eyes a guy like him needs to possess. Sociopathic twinkle in his eyes? What does that even mean?
Reason cast: To be the charismatic hero that falls on his own sword.
Morgan, 21
Photo: She’s lovely. She’s fantastic. She’s perfect if she has a sense of humor. Are you seriously drooling all over this girl right now? Yes. Why, yes I am.
Written bio: Okay, okay. You were right. Of course I was! All my initial feelings have quickly dissipated.
Do You Consider Yourself a Brain, a Beauty or a Brawn? I consider myself all three but if I have to pick, I would pick Beauty. Who wouldn’t want to be beautiful? When you are beautiful you get what you want and I like getting what I want.
Wait, maybe she’s being sarcastic. Yeah, she’s beautiful and sarcastic! Don’t say a word. There’s still hope…
Video bio: Sigh. No sign of sarcasm. Why do I do this to myself?
Reason cast: To show the world that beauty isn’t everything.
That’s everyone.
Thank you for bantering with me. It was a pleasure. I’ll be back sometime in February. Until then, I’ll be lurking in reddit.com/r/survivor.
