The Celebrity Apprentice

Guest Post: Why I Love LAMPanelli on Celebrity Apprentice

A guest post from Jordan Kalish

After last week’s episode, I expressed that I watch The Celebrity Apprentice mainly for the humor involved. On this basis, I gave Adam Carolla the episode MVP award. So when Trump announced that Adam was at some wedding in California (which sounds like a cover for one of Arsenio Hall’s LA strip clubs) I really started to lose hope for this episode. Luckily, I had no idea what coming.

Lisa Lampanelli: Episode 2 MVP

Like a messenger bag covers her left love handle, Lisa Lampanelli’s combative reign as Forte’s project manager more than covered up the inevitable gap caused by Adam’s absence. Last week I complained that there wasn’t enough conflict, but this week the “Queen of Mean” really brought her “A” game. At every turn, she degraded and disrespected her fellow women celebrities, especially Victoria Gotti and Dayana Mendoza. Victoria even considered calling Trump and asking him if she could switch teams but I guess she never actually made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.

Although I didn’t mind seeing Dayana in the body suit on the horse, she felt underutilized throughout the task and even diplomatic Patricia went as far as calling Lisa a tyrant. Lisa consistently fired back at her teammates, calling them children who wouldn’t stop talking over each other. Finally we’re getting some conflict. This really took me back to the glory days of Piers Morgan vs. Omarosa, Joan Rivers vs. Annie Duke, and NeNe Leakes vs. Star Jones vs. everyone from last season.

In the boardroom, Lisa went mid-evil on Victoria and lambasted her in front of Trump for wanting to quit and switch teams. Victoria didn’t back down, calling Lisa an unorganized leader. She also said that Lisa constantly “put her in the closet” by making her do lighting and sound. If this were the case, George Takei and Clay Aiken definitely made the right decision to come out. Victoria is near the top of the list of people you don’t want to be stuck in a closet with. Unfortunately Victoria missed the chance to come back at Lisa when she was talking about growing up in a house with a tough Italian mother. I’m pretty sure Victoria’s tough Italian father would Trump anything Lisa had to go through as a child.

Along with the drama, Lisa provided some comedy. I loved her comment in the boardroom that Paul Teutul Sr. has a friend with 300 grand yet he can’t afford shirtsleeves. It was also really funny when she told Donnie Douche that she sent Victoria and Dayana out shopping because they like to spend money. I did miss Adam, but Lisa really showed why she is one of the top three female comedians today.

Honorable MVP mention goes to Lou Ferrigno. Last episode he didn’t do much, but I really like it when he’s angry. His outburst in the boardroom finally caused some ruckus on team Unanimous. However, with Ryan Braun winning the National League MVP last season, I think we’ve had our fair share of roided up most valuable players.

The Trump Factor:

The Donald will always give us semi-offensive comments and amusing banter with the celebrities, but he sort of dropped the ball in this episode. Of course firing Victoria was the best business decision. She basically quit on her team and was a disruptive force two weeks in a row, but by firing her, we were robbed of more fighting between her and Lisa. This could have turned into one of those classic Celebrity Apprentice rivalries. I hate to say it, but Dayana would have been the more logical choice. She’s so damn attractive, but even pretty glaciers just sit and melt. Besides the aesthetic quality she lends to the show, I don’t see her contributing much entertainment.

“Donnie Douche”, on the other hand, had another fantastic episode. Not only did he call his father gay for calling Lou ‘The Incredible Hunk’ instead of ‘Hulk’, he also made a point to talk about Tia Carrere’s ass-shaking and the fact that Dee Snider may have broken his finger due to an inside job on the part of Clay. He went on to call a 4 year old dumb for not thinking Dayana was hot. My favorite Douche moment though was when he practically quoted the movie Gladiator word for word when he told the women that they must win the crowd in order to win their task. Not since the year 2000 has someone spoken these words in such a regal setting.

Behind the scenes:

– One of James Lipton’s blue cards contained a list of his favorite 7 syllable words. Included were P-A-C-K-A-G-E, P-R-E-A-C-H-Y, and P-R-U-D-I-S-H.

– Apparently Dee Snider is looking to start a musical duo with Clay Aiken. He wants to call it Twisted Finger.

– After being fired, Victoria left her gun, but took her cannoli.

Things to consider for episode 3:

– Will Lisa find someone new to butt heads with now that Victoria is gone?

– Which Andretti will show up?

Things to consider in general:

– When will James Lipton learn the difference between a syllable and a letter?

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