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The Jersey Shore Season 5 Premiere: The Quit Hits the Fan

In the same way your twice-a-year dentist appointments sneak up on you, “Jersey Shore 5” returned to MTV this past Thursday night.  Similar to “Back to the Future 3”, this season of Jersey Shore starts at the moment that “Jersey Shore 4” left off.  While many people panned the idea of the season in Italy, I actually thought there were several great stories that took place like the fight between Situation and Ronnie, the Deena Nicole and Snooki debauchery and the on-going Jionni-drama.

Though I have some doubts as to whether “Jersey Shore 5” can still be interesting in the third summer in Seaside Heights, here are the big stories from the premiere.

Nobody Likes Mike – Since the middle of last season, all of the “Jersey Shore” housemates have been complaining about not wanting to room with The Situation.  Somehow, the housemates decided on the same setup that it was at the start of “Jersey Shore 3”.  What I can’t figure out is how is in a room of Sammi, Ronni and The Situation is The Situation the issue?  Last time this room was configured this way, Ronnie destroyed all of Sammi’s stuff that looked like a scene out of “COPS”.

Geez, Unit! – After only being mentioned and heard over the phone, we finally are introduced to The Situation’s infamous friend, The Unit.   The Unit is the star witness in The Situation’s case that he did receive a sexual favor from Snooki and The Unit is all too happy to testify.   All throughout the episode Sitch and The Unit just lingered around Snooki and Jionni waiting for the right moment to spill the beans.  It was kind of like some perverse blackmail attempt where the blackmailer doesn’t really have any demands except that they want their ass kissed.

I found the Unit to be the most despicable character that I’ve ever seen on Television.  The Unit has all of the cockiness and entitlement of The Situation without having any accomplishment other than being a crony of the The Situation.  Furthermore, the post-bar wardrobe change and axe body spray scene was perhaps the most disturbing moment in the five seasons of this show.

Easy Rider – Snooki’s friend Ryder makes another appearance in this week’s premiere.  We don’t know too much about Ryder except that she’s Snooki’s friend, she loves to drink and apparently (to borrow Deena Nicole’s terminology) she is very open to guys doing sex to her.  Also at the time of this writing, she somehow has over 122,000 twitter followers… FML.

Ryder has previously slept with Vinny and famously “The Unit” during the night that Snooki and The Situation hooked up.  Now Ryder ends up in bed with Pauly D in the same room that Vinny is going to sleep.  First off, I think it’s weird that none of the Jersey Shore roommates have ever said “Oh, you’re about to have sex, I think I’ll just go sleep on the couch”.  Second off, I’m not sure who it’s more weird for Ryder, Vinny or Pauly D that Vinny is in the room while she sleeps with Pauly D.  Judging by what happens later, my guess is that it was Vinny.

Purple Vinny – Of all the Jersey Shore characters, I always had the most respect for Vinny because he seemed like he was like a real person (at least in the beginning).  However, after this week’s meltdown I’ve lost any respect I had for Vinny.

The “Jersey Shore” gets filmed over a three to four week span.  In exchange for that time, this show has made every one of it’s cast members both rich and famous.  Vinny just spent the last three to four weeks on a vacation in Florence, Italy.  Now Vinny is being asked to spend a few more weeks making a TV show that has made him millions of dollars.  Instead, Vinny would rather cry that he wants to drive two hours to Staten Island and go home.

Back in the fall of 2010, we spent several weeks on this website talking about what should happen to Survivor quitters after Naonka and Purple Kelly quit in Survivor Nicaragua.  Everything that people said about quitters on Survivor ought to be enforced tenfold for Jersey Shore quitters – because being on the Jersey Shore isn’t anything like being on Survivor.  I have no doubt it’s quite draining to live in the Jersey Shore house, but Vinny’s ungratefulness is off the charts and he deserves nothing less than a full-on Angelina-style Jersey Shore exile if he quits.  In fact, nobody beat the drum harder for Angelina’s ban after she quit than Vinny.  If Vinny quits on us, then I don’t ever want to see Vinny on another reunion or another season of Jersey Shore forever.  If we don’t put our foot down now we let the reality show quitters win… and what kind of message is that for our kids!

What do you think, should Vinny retain all the privileges of being a “Jersey Shore” cast member if he quits or do you want to see justice?  Let me know…

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