The Bachelor

Guest Post: Three’s a Crowd for Emily on The Bachelorette

A Bachelorette Guest Post from Parasocial Dude

Confession: I have to fast forward through the recaps these days. I also usually bust through Emily getting her introspection on at the top of the show as well. She says the same things about each guy and they say the same things about her. It is getting a little snoozey. Bachelorette is one of those shows that lose its appeal the longer the season progresses. The more crazy, desperate, single people the better. Thank Krang there is Bachelor Pad ahead.

Call a priest because this penultimate Bachelorette was possessed by demons. It was tonally crawling up the walls when Sean is ritualistically sacrificed to the goddess Aphrodite to feast upon. The ominous vibes throughout the show were reflected most keenly through this week’s direction and musical accompaniment. The long takes, partitioning of anatomy, and sound effects one would normally hear in a haunted house, bring forth a genre-bending episode of a show that is notoriously predictable at this point in the season. Admirably, to combat the banality of a spoiler-ridden mind-field, they play with structure! During the third act, there were flashes of Kubrick, Ang Lee, and even that dude with the weird name that directed Paranormal Activity, heightening the urgency of Emily’s choice for a bone-buddy. Even Chris Harrison fessed up that Sean’s exit was the most haunting in the history of the show; which is sort of fair after witnessing Sean’s disillusionment.

Some might say the implications of her deceit are pretty darn damning to her other relationships. She looks past her friend’s adoration of Sean. She looks for more than what Sean’s funny-ass family has to offer. And she even looks beyond the fact she wanted it to be him. Emily wants the bump and grind more than the nice and kind… so what else is new?

The most subdued helicopter ride in the history of helicopter rides ensues with Emily and Sean saying virtually nothing to each other. They are excited to be with one another, but don’t feel the need to show it at all. Rather, they stare blankly out the windows like bovine. There is just not enough squeezing and pawing going on between these two stupid cows. Sean needs to grow a pair and get his carnality activated. Instead he is primarily synchronizing brainally with Emma-Jemma. He is living in his head and I am worried the Big Man Upstairs is the one preventing his managing her tender zones. Their rapport is one of siblings, not lovers, so no wonder she dumps his zealous ass.

Before his ultimate demise, Sean writes a note to Ricky that is pretty much just a contrived way to tell Emily he loves her to the max. It seemed to work for a millisecond, as she claims all of her questions about him are put to rest; so much so that she pulls out the sex-room card. But then the resulting hot-tub kisses provoke confusion between Emily’s brain and being-fibers. Unfortunately, her brain wins out, puts an end to the love-buggin’, and Sean is sent home to finish the job on his own.

Next on the docket, Jef admits he wants to be with Emily, but cavalierly qualifies it by suggesting it might not work out. Atop this flippancy, upon meeting her for the date, he joylessly tells Em he is excited about yet another boat ride in yet another foreign place. It was another example of Jef being the guy that says “that’s funny” instead of just laughing. Early in the season, I found him pretty genuine, but now artificiality is starting to rear its head. He comes off one part cult leader and one part robot. If he has a soul, he doesn’t keep it on him.

Emily comes off comically desperate around Jef. It’s all too clear that she will love him more than he loves her. When he is all, “I don’t need to fantasy suite it. I’m good,” Jef became the alpha in Emily’s eyes. He has gone fishin’ for Em and she takes the bait. Now he is just waiting to rip into her lip, reel her in, and make a meal of her. The process is taking its toll on Jef though. He seemed so much more full of life at the beginning of the show, but now that it has come down to it, he is just phoning it in. Whether this is all a ploy to make her want him more is a good question, but either way, Jef is making himself irresistible by being just the right amount of dickish. When he grilled Emily about her own inability to make a relationship last, he stood out as the only guy willing to challenge the fallacy that is Emily’s grace.

Surprise, surprise: Ari and Emily kiss it up like it’s going out of style for the entirety of their date. Then they have a nostalgic moment together and it turns out all their best memories of each other involve sucking face. Emily wracks her brain as to whether there is more to the relationship than just their chemistry. Supposedly there is more, when in a last ditch attempt to cement his spot in the final two, he woos her with a heartfelt explanation of his plan to win over Ricky. Basically it involves being more of an uncle than a dad by not telling the kid what to do or how to be… until the time is right!

I feel like the final rose ceremony has been a rare occasion in the past few seasons. I remember Frank ditched Ali at three before she could pick. Then Brad crushed Ashley’s dreams without letting the other girls see it go down. And, last year, Constantine severed ties with Ashley before letting her do it to him. Sean getting his heart ripped out and force fed to him at this point demonstrates what a cold-blooded MILF Emily really is. She did not let him off the hook until he absolutely had to. Cruel much?

Next week, the men spill the beans while enjoying their last few seconds of reality glory. Let’s hope the mushroom farmer shares some of his special crop with enough of the rejects to make it interesting: “Woah, Emily, you’re melting… I think I still love you… Is this real life?”

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