The Celebrity Apprentice

Guest Post: A 110% Fake Interview with Lou Ferrigno

A Celebrity Apprentice guest post from Jordan Kalish

Until now, Richie Glanzer has had me beat.  For those of you who don’t know, he writes the Survivor blog for Rob Has a Website.  Almost every week he’s interviewed former Survivor contestants.  What is a poor Celebrity Apprentice blogger to do?  I can’t find Piers Morgan anywhere and Star Jones’ people haven’t gotten back to me yet.  Michael Andretti won’t talk to me either, but he doesn’t talk to anyone.  While pondering my misfortunes on the streets of New York City the other day, my luck took a 180 turn worthy of Gavin Larson.  I felt a huge, hulkish body bump into me, and when I turned around, it was none other than the great Lou Ferrigno standing behind me.  This was our ensuing conversation:

Jordan Kalish: Lou Ferrigno, what a convenient surprise!

Lou Ferrigno: Who the hell are you?

JK: My name is Jordan Kalish.  I write a Celebrity Apprentice blog for a website run by Rob from Survivor.

LF: Oh, isn’t he the guy from Boston who married Amber?

JK: Sure. Can I ask you some questions?

LF: Okay, but only because I’m a big fan of Rob. He really gave 110% while literally carrying his family on his back.

JK: Great. First of all Lou, why did you want to be the star in each task?

LF: Everyone loves Lou Ferrigno. Not only was I Mr. Universe, I also acted and gave 110% in at least 37 movies.  In about 3 of them I even gave 120%.  I can play any character: the muscular green monster, the ripped bodyguard, or the strong guy with a mop. As you can see I’m a very flexible actor and was underutilized by my team.

JK: I agree. Without you, I think the rest of the season could be a snoozer.

LF: Don’t call me a loser.

JK: I said snoozer, Lou.

LF: If you ever call me a loser again I’ll throw you through a wall. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

JK: I apologize. Talking about people you would throw though a wall, you really didn’t get along with Lisa Lampanelli? Why was there so much friction between the two of you?

LF: Lisa thought I was useless.  This obviously wasn’t true because I gave 110% in each task [face twitch].  However, she’s the only one still left in the game who hasn’t raised any money for her charity yet.

JK: That’s a good point. You’re definitely as underrated as you claim to be.

LF: [Unintelligible]

JK: Well Lou, I should be going. I have a blog to write.

LF: No, take it back.  I don’t want to stop this interview.

JK: Sorry, I gotta go. But we’ll do this again the next time you have a minor cameo in a mediocre comedy film.

LF: Okay, tell Rob I said congrats for winning Redemption Island.

JK: Will do.

Episode 8 MVP: Lisa Lampanelli (x2)

While Lisa Lampanelli hasn’t let me interview her yet, she’s the obvious choice for this week’s MVP.  She won the award in week 2 as well, but this week set a personal best when it came to causing drama.  It all started while defending her friend Aubrey against Arsenio.  Out of nowhere, she screamed at him for calling Aubrey a bitch and a whore.  This of course came about a minute after she told Teresa that Arsenio is a bitch ass motherf’er.  She continued to curse, yell, and cry, but after a minute it looked like her rant was over.  However, it had just begun.

After Dee Snider was fired, Lou and Dayana came back into the suite, which angered Lisa even more.  She berated them for being useless and stupid.  She also let Penn know that the two of them would be doing all the work on their team from now on, before storming off.  For the record, she never actually called Lou a loser this episode, despite him accusing her of saying that twice.  We can chalk this up as another one of his lack-of-hearing incidents.  Somehow he seems to be more effected by his impairment than Marlee Matlin from last season, who was completely deaf.  I think it might be more of an IQ issue.

Lisa’s final outburst came in the boardroom, and again it was directed at Lou.  After she called him the weak link of the team, and he threatened to throw her through the wall if she were a man, she ranted again about how useless he is and also about how he shouldn’t threaten women physically.  Her fantastic performance was capped off with a prophetic remark that Lou should get ready for an elevator ride.  With Lou gone, I hope her days of lashing out against her teammates aren’t over.  While she got along with Dayana this week, which Penn deemed a miracle despite his atheistic beliefs, I think there is still hope for some conflict between them.

Other Notes

Paul spoke of a 360 degree turnaround this week.  He must have seen the movie 360 recently in which a rock-star played by Coach Wade stays exactly the same.

After apologizing to Arsenio, Aubrey told us in a confessional that she still doesn’t like him and her apology was a lie.  Casting for Celebrity Survivor took notice.

Penn said that he doesn’t like double entendres.  He must hate Jeff Probst, The Office, and Are You Being Served?.

Apparently while Donnie Douche was growing up, his father taught him that loyalty is everything.  I wonder if he also gave this message to Marla Maples and Melania Trump, who he coincidentally was married to when they were growing up.

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