A Celebrity Apprentice guest post from Jordan Kalish
See Numbers Below in Red to Find out Why The “Celebrity Apprentice” Players Walk
This is my first blog in two weeks, as last week I was in a contract dispute with the Cesternino family. I apologize for the lockout, but look forward to getting back to work. In 1998, during the NBA lockout, a young sportscaster for WTOP in Oswego used to do a segment called “What didn’t happen tonight in the NBA.” The following is what didn’t happen in my blog last week:
-I didn’t name Aubrey 1 the episode MVP for again making fun of Debbie’s 2 singing.
-I didn’t commend Donald Trump 3 for getting rid of Patricia4 the glacier.
-I didn’t complain that Adam Carolla isn’t on the show anymore.
-I didn’t write under the influence of mocktails.
As for this episode, things finally got heated for the first time this season. Lisa5 and Dayana6 have had their share of arguments and Clay7 and Penn8 have engaged in some civil disagreements, but this week we got some fireworks from an unlikely source. This brings me to my week 7 MVP.
Episode 7 MVP: Arsenio Hall9
Arsenio’s anger towards Aubrey really came out of left field. All season he’d been a pretty docile guy, making the occasional joke, but this week he had an outburst reminiscent of Meatloaf’s10 last year. In the boardroom, he accused Aubrey of not being a team player and it got really heated when they argued about who wrote the quote on their Walmart Walgreens box. Arsenio also admitted that he had to Google Aubrey and Teresa’s names before he came on the show, but I think most of the audience didn’t know who they were either. As for the picture of Aubrey, she’s actually in a swimsuit, holding a super soaker. She’s blonde in that picture, so I guess flaming-red isn’t her natural hair color.
The real meltdown didn’t start until after their team won. Aubrey walked off, making it seem like she might quit and the rest went back to the suite. Arsenio went off on an extensive rant, destroying Aubrey as a teammate and accusing her of hijacking his role as project manager. In reality, she seemed to be one of the more productive members of the team and came up with the idea for the winning box, but you don’t win the Episode MVP for being rational. You win it for being crazy and causing conflict and Arsenio’s rant is so far the best moment of the season.
Aubrey had a shot at the MVP this week, but I can’t give it to someone who may have quit. She brings a lot to the season, and I’ll be very disappointed if she actually leaves. Her crybabyitis is also getting pretty old and thankfully didn’t get her another 10 thousand dollars from Trump. However, her jab at Arsenio for taking “a walk away from the industry” was a classic insult and really sparked his hatred towards her.
Michael Andretti11 showed up and donated 20k to the men. This was by far his greatest contribution to the team and he probably received more airtime in this episode than the rest of the season combined. The Blue Man Group and Teller also donated to the men. Was there a rule this week that the men could only receive donations from people who don’t speak?
In the Walmart Walgreens task, Lou kept pronouncing the world ‘cholesterol’ as ‘cholestriol’. This may or may not qualify as a neologism.
Dee12 was keeping it real in the first half of the episode after winning as project manager, but was fired after the second task. I’m sure he felt this wasn’t fair, and no, he ain’t gonna take it. He’s not gonna take it anymore.
Donnie Douche13 claimed that he was about cry when Arsenio got choked up about his charity. We all know, of course, that this was impossible because it would require emotion.
Arsenio is now the third late night host screwed over by Jay Leno, after Letterman and Conan. This ‘check got lost in the mail’ excuse is just as valid as ‘it’s not poop, it’s dirt’.
The shorter Walmart Walgreens executive and Coach sound exactly the same.
Unintentional Inappropriate Quotes
– “It’s getting a little hard.” –Lisa Lampanelli
– “Go ahead, let’s see who goes longer.” –Trump (about pushup contest)
– “You are gonna be bigger, bigger than ever before.” – Trump (to Dee)
Why do I walk?
1 I walk to get more Twitter followers.
2 I walk because I haven’t had anything else to do since 1989.
3 I walked to Africa, birthplace of President Obama.
4 I walk for Venezuela.
5 I don’t walk.
6 I walk to get away from Lisa.
7 I walk to the plastic surgeon.
8 I walk to Walmart Walgreens.
9 I walk because, if I haven’t already made myself clear, Aubrey is a horrible teammate and person.
10 I walk like a bat out of hell.
11 I drive.
12 I walk while I itch and scratch.
13 I walk when my father tells me to.