Hello Bachelor and Bachelorette fans! Welcome to the first running diary for the new season of “The Bachelorette.” I’m going to be guiding you through this season with non-rose colored glasses.
In case you missed it last week, be sure to check out my Bachelorette preview so you know more about this year’s heart breaking contestant, as well as some of the more interesting players in this year’s beefcake corps of hairless, deep vee t-shirt wearing bros.
Not to play spoiler (here’s where I play spoiler) but if you’re an aficionado of this show, chances are you already know how this season is going to play out. The typical Bach season is broken down into three phases.
The “Everybody loves the Bachelorette and the guys are great” Phase 1 – This is the saccharin sweet first segment of the season that contains lots of things that are supposed to make us laugh (Big, beefy guys doing something silly, like riding donkeys) or make us go “Aw, how sweet. Those guys are big softies and Desi has a heart of gold” (like bachelors being forced to help repair an orphanage on a group date when they’d rather be drinking).
During Phase 1, viewers are just getting to know the cast of characters so all the bachelors stop looking alike.
The “I didn’t know it would be this hard” Phase 2 – Before everyone develops cavities from the sweetness of Phase 1, ABC producers turn the tension up to 11. Here is where two kinds of villains are revealed – the guy who’s not there for the “right reasons” (see Bentley from Ashley’s season) and the guy who has a girlfriend back home (see Justin from Ali’s season). There’s also a lot of bro-ish activity going on, with bachelors starting to become friends and turning the bachelor pad into a frat house complete with poolside grilling and pranks.
This is the best part of the season for viewers, as it’s where most of the tension and drama of the show takes place. It’s also the phase where the Bachelorette breaks down in tears because she finally realizes she’s on a reality show trying to find love. This is something she didn’t really think about when signing up, forcing her to say things like “I didn’t know it would be this hard” and “I deserve someone who loves me” and “Maybe I should just sleep with Chris Harrison and get this show over with.”
The “No really, love can actually happen in this setting” Phase 3 – Here’s where ABC producers really have to work their magic. After Phase 2, not only has the Bachelorette realized love in this kind of scenario is impossible but so has the audience. Now they have to reel us back in. First ABC producers remove the villains then they show what great guys the remaining men are. After blinding us with breathtaking locales we’ll likely never visit in our lifetimes, we’ve forgotten all our troubles and enjoy the whittling away of guys who are there for the “right reasons” but just aren’t right for Desi due to 1) They’re a good guy but in the Friend Zone 2) They have a douchey brother or 3) She realized their job as a funeral director is REALLY creepy.
Phase 3 is a bit of a mixed bag. The serious contenders are all that’s left so there isn’t much drama. All you can do is hope for some interesting hometown visits and place your bets on who will leave the final rose ceremony crying like they just heard there’s an NFL lockout.
Most interesting about this phase, however, is how Desi will handle the fantasy suite situation. Will she use it to kick the tires on three different dudes in three days, or will she play it safe (and boring) like Emily Maynard. You know what most of the male contestants on this show choose.
Personally, all I really want to see this season is Desi doing a Mesnick as often as humanly possible. Watching people cry over a glass balcony (“Mesnicking” or “pulling a Mesnick” as I like to call it) because you’re having a hard time choosing one good looking person over another is just too hilarious. Tell me this isn’t the greatest Bach related pic of all time!?! Tell me it isn’t?!? It’s the screen saver on my iPhone for crying out loud! That’s how much it makes me laugh! That doesn’t make me evil does it? Eh, I guess it does. Whatever.
Okay, enough pregame. Let’s get to this week’s episode. As always, be sure to check out the flavor filling links. I’m SERIOUS about that. The links will make the experience much more enjoyable. Trust me, I’m a professional.
7:01 – And we’re off! We see Desi driving up to the Bach mansion in a beat up Honda. How do I know it’s beat up? Because ABC producers added the sound of her car breaking down in post-production.
7:02 – We’re getting a peak into Desi’s background. She comes from humble means but her parents have been married for 35 years. Two minutes in and Desi’s crying. That might be a Bach record.
7:03 – As Desi recaps her time on Sean’s season she tells the camera that she was devastated when she was sent home. Says Des, “There’s no way any other girl could have the relationship I had with Sean, it was so perfect.” Obviously she underestimated the impact of having a douchey brother.
7:04 – “I do believe in this experience. I know the feelings are real and I know the potential that can come from it.” Um, hello?!? Have you watched this show? Oh, wait, you were on it and that line was in your contract to say this episode. Got it.
7:05 – Chris “The Hardest Working Man in Show Biz” Harrison hands Desi the keys to a sea foam green Bentley. I don’t remember Cinderella driving a car like that. Barbie? Yes.
7:06 – Cue the montage! Desi roller skating at the beach. Desi trying on sunglasses. Desi walking along the beach looking longingly into the ocean. Desi sketching pictures of palm trees. Desi walking along the beach again. Desi feeding, then chasing, some kind of water bird. Look at how cute and playful Desi is!
Each time we see Des she’s wearing a new outfit but you know that montage (a lost art really) was all filmed the same day. And who over the age of 10 chases birds? You’re not fooling me ABC! I know we’re at the beginning of Phase 1!
7:10 – Des is having a sit down with Chris Harrison, who’s lofting more softballs than Jennie Finch. I’m so envious of this guy’s job. He says the same things every season. I need to devise a plot where I get his job. I tried starting rumors about him sleeping with contestants. I guess I need to try harder. By the way, Des says the word “Cinderella” and “Prince Charming” twice.
7:15 – My hero Chris Harrison is giving us a sneak peek at some of the men Desi will meet tonight. First up is Army guy Bryden, who I mentioned in my preview. He’s the strong, sensitive type. I like his odds.
7:17 – Next we meet Will. He’s into yoga and randomly high fiving people on the street when ABC cameras are around. He’s also the only African American on the show. Make of that what you will. I’m not going there.
7:19 – Next is Drew who I also mentioned in my preview (Why do I keep bringing up my preview? Because you should have read it!). Drew’s parents divorced when he was young, his dad was an alcoholic, and his sister is severely mentally handicapped. No baggage here!
7:20 – Nick R. is up, he’s the tailor/magician I mentioned last week. His role models are Chris Angel, David Copperfield and Rob Kardashian. His favorite movie is “Now You See Me.” I have no proof of this I’m just basing it on what Nick R. does for a living.
7:21 – It’s Zak W’s time to shine! This is guy has his shirt off 24/7, which is why I like to call him The Situation. He also likes to drink coffee on his farmhouse balcony with no clothes on, just like me.
7:22 – Robert (who I compared to Ryan Gosling in my preview) is showing how he made his money by whipping around one of those annoying street corner signs that try to get your attention. I can practically hear the ladies swooning right now! Ladies still swoon, right?
7:23 – Now we meet Mike R (There are three Mike’s this season. I’m SO happy about that). He’s a dentist. I’m not sure what to make of that profession. On the one hand, free dental care would be nice. On the other hand you’d be shagging someone who has had their hands in other people’s mouths all day. On the third hand he’s British, which seems to conflict with him being a dentist. (Full disclosure, my mom is from Liverpool and I was born in England so I can make all the British jokes I want!)
7:24 –Next up is Brandon. He’s just creepy. He reminds me a lot of Guard and Protect Your Heart Kasey (I laughed so hard watching that clip milk came out my nose. And I wasn’t drinking milk.). I think its because he’s overly enthusiastic about Desi. Like Drew, Brandon comes from a broken home too. Either the guy’s theme for this season is “Desi likes to work on projects” or these guys just have the most interesting backstories.
7:28 – Desi is in front of the bachelor house as the first limo pulls up. Side note, why is the driveway always wet? From what I’ve been told, it never rains in southern California.
7:28 – 7:31 – Drew, Brooks, Brad (from Denver! Woot woot), Bryden, and Michael come out of the first limo. Brad (wishbone) and Michael (penny for the fountain) have some small gimmicks but overall, a subdued, nervous group.
7:32 – 7:40 – Okay, that was either the largest limo ever or there was some kind of clever editing as Kasey, Will, Mikey T, Jonathan, Zak W, James, Larry, Nick R, Zack K, and Diogo all seemed to come out of the same vehicle. It was like a clown car limo. Here are the highlights:
- Kasey works in social media and talks in hashtags. I can’t imagine that will get old at all. Hashtag, weaksauce!
- Will gave a high five, then told Desi’s he was going to call her Athena.
- Zak W came out shirtless and asked Desi if she would, “Accept these abs.”
- Larry tried to impress with his dance moves and accidentally ripped Desi’s dress.
- Nick R. did a magic trick, burning a napkin rose that turned into a real rose.
- Diogo came out dressed, no joke, in suit of armor.
- Jonathan offered Desi a hotel room key so they could go straight to a fantasy suite.
Yep, I think this was the reject car. Not a winner in the bunch.
7:45 – 7:49 – Chris, Dentist Mike, Robert “Gosling,” Juan Pablo, and Brandon are up next. These guys had different approaches. Chris used humor, Juan Pablo (who looks like a player) used his thick Venezuelan accent, and Brandon tried the bad boy angle by riding in on a motorcycle. This is my favorite group so far. They didn’t try too hard and they weren’t too low key.
7:50 – 7:54 – Brian, Micah, Nick M., Dan and Ben have arrived. This limo group isn’t particularly interesting, except for Ben (who kind of looks like Josh Brolin’s little brother) who had the best introduction by having his son Brody come out of the car first. Desi melts and Ben just assured himself of a rose. Well played sir, well played.
8:00 – Cocktail party time! Who can make themselves looks like an ass and who will stand out from the crowd?!?
8:02 – Nick the Magician gets the first one-on-one time with Desi. I hate to be judgmental (I’m lying) but I have a hard time thinking that a normal woman would be cool being in a relationship with a magician. I asked the Mrs. for her perspective on this. Here’s her take:
“I would never date a magician. It’s a cheesy thing to do and indicates he doesn’t have a real job. Grownups don’t do that.”
Ladies, I’d love to hear your point of view.
8:04 – Ben Brolin (tell your brother I hated “Jonah Hex”) continues to pimp his kid Brody in a conversation with Desi. Naturally, Ben gets the first rose of the night. Or really, BRODY gets the first rose of the night. I wonder how many roses Ben can squeeze out of his kid.
8:10 – It’s amazing how the atmosphere has changed after the first rose was passed out. Ben Brolin is walking around like he owns the place, giving out advice to the other guys. Meanwhile every other dude is as jittery as a 12-year old after chugging a 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew.
8:11- 8:14 – Montage time! We see some guy dancing, some dude tells Desi he bought her a star, and Zak W drops trou and jumps into the pool. At least Zak got a rose for his efforts. It was given pretty half assed but he got one anyway.
8:16 – Bryden has a chat with Desi. At first, Desi looks like the Army job is going to turn her off but then he tells the heartwarming tale of a local Afghan kid he bonded with. Desi gave him a rose. Looks like kids are Desi’s weak spot!
8:18 – Desi is smitten with Juan Pablo. I don’t get it. He’s okay looking but she’s totally enthralled with his accent. Is she really going to fall for that? If so, I have some pictures of my kids and a great Barney accent I can imitate for you.
8:25 – Dr. Larry, who I compared to Cochran from “Survivor” in my preview and ripped Desi’s dress after getting out of the limo, has some one-on-one time. Here comes the dramatic glasses move and what seems like a drunken conversation. Desi even asks him if he’s sleepy! Either he’s the most socially awkward guy ever or he’s been on two dates his entire life. I watched “ER,” I thought doctors had some game. Not this guy.
8:30 – After pounding a few drinks and watching a bunch of other guys get roses, Inappropriate Jonathan, the subtle guy who offered Desi a night in the fantasy suite the second he got out of the limo, is ready to make his move. He’s found an empty room in the house, fluffed some pillows and lit a few candles with the plan to lure Desi into his version of the fantasy suite so he can “kiss Desi on the mouth.” Desi’s Creeper Meter should be going into overdrive.
8:32 – And here comes Inappropriate Jonathan, who interrupts Will and steals Desi to take her to the fantasy suite. I’m pretty sure I just saw Desi reach for some pepper spray and a whistle.
8:33 – Jonathan is trying REALLY hard to not come across as crazy. It’s not working. He thinks he’s being funny with the fantasy suite schtick but he’s really just making Desi uncomfortable. I’m hoping Chris Harrison has sobered up enough to come out from his room and put an end to this.
8:35 – Desi has escaped but Jonathan, who is sulking in his fantasy suite, is not done. Her are some choice words from Inappropriate Jonathan, “My mom says I’m good looking” and “My love tank has not been depleted in years. We’re looking at a very large love tank.” Is this guy the 26-year old virgin or something? There’s ways to take care of the love tank problem on your own Norman Bates. Geez.
8:37 – Oh boy, we’re at Defcon 1 Creepy. Jonathan is AGAIN stealing away Desi and is trying desperately to get her into his fantasy suite. I swear I see a net in his hand! Desi has had enough and asks Jonathan to leave. Good for her.
8:39 – Chris Harrison comes out to give his champagne clanking rose ceremony warning. Some producer must have thrown a bucket of water on him five minutes ago, got him dressed, shaved him, and dragged him out to retrieve the tray of remaining roses. Good job ABC producer!
8:43 – Woohoo! Rose ceremony time! I predict a handsome white guy or two will go home! I can’t believe Desi is throwing away perfectly good white guys like that.
8:47 – A bunch of bros just got roses. They’re all dressed the same and with their lame five o’clock shadows look exactly alike. I can’t tell them apart! Gah!
8:48 – One rose remains. Nick the Magician, Larry the Lawyer, Mike the Dentist and some other bros are on the chopping block.
8:49 – And Mikey T gets the final rose! Larry the Lawyer, Mike the Dentist, Nick the Magician, the guy who made his own suit and Diogo the Suit of Armor Guy get sent home. The lesson, as always, is chicks don’t dig magic. Or suits of armor. Or guys who tear their dresses. Or men who make their own clothes. Or dentists.
Final thoughts – Pretty good opening episode. A nice mix of oddballs, bros, and guys there for “the right reasons”…Sad to see Nick the Magician go. I had so many more magician jokes at the ready and now I can’t use them….The Mrs. noticed that Desi gave Dan an intense look when they first met. I didn’t catch it. But based on the season preview, it doesn’t seem like he’ll go far because I never saw him…The season preview looked awesome! Mountain tops, beaches, castles, guys choking and punching each other, the girlfriend of a bachelor who looks like Olivia Munn with too much plastic surgery, Desi crying, dudes crying, HELICOPTERS. Can’t ask for much more than that.
See you all next week!