Here we are back again for this really odd season where nobody has emerged or stood out in a super-positive way. Normally, at this point in the game we have seen a few good players emerge as the main threats to watch out for, but this season we have not seen this, and nobody– not you or I or the most savvy Survivor analyst– can give us any real glimpse at who is emerging this season. It’s chaos, it’s communism…it’s anarchy! You would think maybe tonight we might get a better glimpse of what has been happening as far as gameplay goes, but there has been a lot of foreshadowing for this episode that something horrific is going to happen. It’s as if we’re all Christopher Walken in The Dead Zone tonight….We know something bad is going to happen only we don’t know exactly what. The whole episode has this looming.
In fact, let’s just get to the action. It’s 8 pm, Portland, Oregon time.
8 pm
Previously on Survivor, Jeff recaps how hot and awful it is and how badly everybody playing the game needs a Jamba Juice. Basically, he’s foreshadowing that somebody is probably getting medevaced tonight.
I’m reminded once again through Jeff that a women is winning this season. No question.
8:01
Back from tribal with the Brains, Peter seems despondent as Debbie calls herself the “mastermind”. Peter is completely perplexed with what happened and vows revenge. He should disappear for a day, come back with a goatee and a cape, and appear as The Count of Monte Cristo….It could shake up the game.
8:03
Wow. We go right into the reward challenge. Jeff announces that Liz got voted out and it looks like Anna got picked to read the cue cards off-screen this week as she says: “I did not expect that,” with the same acting chops as Sophia Coppola in a movie that shall not be named because it never happened.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6r8yJkPcXw
8:04
The two teams that win look like they will get cooking stuff only seen at 4 am on the Home Shopping Network. Nobody looks overly thrilled.
Everybody has to run, dig and crawl under these beams they have set up. Once they do that, they have to dig for bags.
8:07
Clearly, it’s really hot out there, because they are playing intense music as they cut to shot after shot of a player looking hot and exhausted. They are making it seem like at any moment somebody is going to be horrifically hurt tonight. Should I even be joking like this?
8:09
The Brains tribe comes in first.
Soon after, Joe calls for a medic as Debbie is not looking good. They start taking her vital signs and it gets intense but they cut to commercial.
Commercial Break:
Speaking of an intense, creepy things happening, I happened to catch Stephen King’s Pet Cemetery this weekend, and besides the fact that they miscast the lead in that movie, (the father/main character is just awful and played by a guy who looks overmatched to even be a softcore porn star) the movie was still pretty creepy. Most Stephen King movies, as dated as they feel, still leave you with some creepy-ass feelings afterward. Every cracking sound in my apartment building seems to be ten times louder, and there tends to be a neverending cycle of creaking sounds that sound identical to demonic forces entering my apartment. His movies that get me the most are:
Cujo-Basically any dog thing gets me. I can’t handle dogs dying in movies at all, and every time I watch Cujo, I basically wait and hope and that it’s going to turn into Beethoven at any moment and not the dog that wipes out half the town.
The Shining– The twins and the bathtub scene…Can’t handle it. I also can’t handle that dummy Shelley Duvall in the movie. It’s bad if you’re openly rooting for a mom in a movie to be murdered, right?
Children of the Corn– Just creepy throughout–at no point was it a fun movie experience. It’s like just a super, super-creepy movie.
Graveyard Shift– I, for whatever reason, am terrified of rats. I just can’t manage my emotions when it comes to rats or movies with rats… I just can’t.
IT– “They all float, Georgie”. I don’t care what anybody says. As a ten-year-old when this mini-series movie came out, it freaked me and every other kid out. I think Xanax was invented due to this movie.
8:13
We’re back from commercial as the medical team is treating Debbie. They shade her and pour some water on her, and it looks like she will be good to go.
8:15
Wow. It’s getting ugly on the Brawn tribe as Alecia tries to cheer on the team as they are still digging for that elusive third bag, but Scot sarcastically tells her to “keep cheerleading” as Jason more bluntly says: “Shut the eff up and dig …please.” I mean, he did say please, so you can’t call Jason impolite.
8:16
Beauty tribe, after twenty minutes, finally sinks their last ball in the hole and puts the Brawn tribe out of their misery.
8:17
People are falling down left and right as Caleb now has collapsed. Medical runs over to treat him.
8:18
Now Cydney is down too, but Caleb looks like he is in the worst shape out of everyone. I feel like a news anchor that is cutting into regularly scheduled programming to report a tragedy happening. This is my big audition to maybe get hired by the Washington Post or New York Times, I think. I’m saying all this in a very serious voice.
8:19
Commercial Break:
Let’s try to bring a little humor and sexism into this dark, dark night. Can somebody please explain to me what the hell this is?:
I knew this was coming, but to actually see it is another thing. You can’t remake Ghostbusters and do it with an all-female cast…You just can’t. Or I mean, I guess you can and I guess they did, but it just feels unghostbusterly. I feel that this movie is going to bomb (fast-forward to it making over 500 million). I just struggle with finding the target audience for movies like this. Are men 18 to 49 going to see this? The fact that Bill Murray said he would have done a Ghostbusters movie if the script was good–and it isn’t in this movie (unless he does a credited cameo)– tells us something, right? I mean Bill Murray is Ghostbusters. You can’t do Ghostbusters without Bill Murray. I feel a little Donald Trump-ish on this issue, and meanwhile, Caleb is dying on the beach, so let’s just get back to Survivor.
8:23
We’re back from commercial as Caleb appears to be in really bad shape. Jason is doing a good job trying to nurse Cydney back to normal and she seems to be doing better.
I really feel like I’m a reporter on site at a war that is going on, running around and then reporting it back to Anderson Cooper in the studio.
The doctors decide to evacuate Caleb from the game. Everybody on the Beauty tribe is hysterical. What the hell is happening here tonight? Caleb would have been the last person I would have thought this would happen to…Big Brother fans across the world will be in mourning.
8:25
Caleb gets taken out on a stretcher, but Jeff tells everybody to wait so everybody from the Beauty tribe can say their goodbyes. Um…He doesn’t look too good, Jeff…Maybe the goodbyes can wait. I mean, do you really have to shoehorn a forced goodbye when Caleb is unconscious?
8:27
After all the dust has settled, Jeff brings us all back to recap what the hell just happened tonight. Everybody takes a minute to process the events from tonight like they just survived Normandy in Saving Private Ryan. In fact, Jason even gives a Tom Hank- style monologue when Jeff asks him to comment on everything:
8:30
Before going to commercial, CBS, on a black screen, tells us that Caleb has since fully recovered and hopes to play again. Everybody should wear a black patch for Caleb the remainder of the season as you would have liked to have seen how far he could have gone this season.
Commercial Break:
I feel weird going off on my normal tangents after all that has unfolded tonight, but then again, I believe it’s what Caleb would have wanted. In fact, I think Caleb would have wanted me to talk and ask about what the hell happened to MTV? If I tried to describe MTV in 1992 to someone in high school now, they would think I was describing another channel. Honestly, do they play music videos at any time on MTV anymore? Do people still make music videos anymore? MTV (music television) seems to be a neverending cycle of The Real World and other reality TV shows. And The Real World isn’t even The Real World anymore! In the old days of the show, it actually was people living in a house and having their lives taped. Everybody had to have their own job or their own thing going on. You could be lazy and watch TV all day if you wanted.
Now all the seasons are so overly produced and it’s all about going to the bar every night and contrived plots made by the producers to create drama in the houses. It’s a bastardized version of what it once was and it sucks now. There’s no way anyone could disagree with me on this.
8:34
Back with the Brains as Debbie appears to have recovered as she’s lounging in the ocean. She shares that she is her kids’ “hero”, and for some reason, CBS accidentally left this scene in tonight as it doesn’t really seem to serve any purpose. I mean, not to be a dick or anything, but come on.
8:36
The Brawn Tribe looks like the walking dead, but that doesn’t stop Alecia from creating the best moment of the season so far as she confronts Scot Pollard who played in the NBA for ten years, questioning his commitment to teamwork in the last challenge. This leads to Scot looking blankly at Alecia and to me thinking he is trying to emotionally restrain himself from lashing out.
Alecia decides to continue to push this argument and you have to give her credit for not backing down to Scot and Jason, even though she sounds a little corny. Scot and Jason, let’s just say, don’t have a lot of stock in the Alecia fan club right now. Everytime Alecia talks, Scot basically has this exact reaction:
8:40
Commercial Break:
Okay, no matter what side of the political fence you tend to lean on, can we agree that this election and these primaries have been the craziest since politicians were shooting each other in duels back in 1804?
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/burr-slays-hamilton-in-duel
I mean, at this point would anybody bat an eye if Trump walked into the next debate and challenged Ted Cruz to a duel? I don’t think I would. Would Ted Cruz accept to save face, only to find Trump wasn’t expecting him to do that, so now they would actually have to duel and Fox News might explode? I just can’t wrap my head around how crazy both parties have become. Granted, the Republican Party primaries have been must-see TV for all the wrong, and I guess right, reasons. It’s like one big Saturday Night Live sketch. I keep telling you that, at some point, an alien is going to explode out of Ted Cruz’s body like in The Thing. I promise you.
There’s just something about his mannerisms that don’t match a normal human person’s. You’ve all been warned.
8:42
Back from commercial and it’s time for the Immunity Challenge. Tonight feels like it’s been a three-hour episode. I have a feeling that we won’t be having any more challenges that aren’t in the shade or with water as we move forward.
8:47
It is hard to comment on things. Basically, it’s coming down to a puzzle which the Brains tribe killed to come in first.
The Beauties come in second.
The Brawns are done and headed back to Tribal. I’m guessing this is the last week we see the three teams at least how they are now.
8:49
As Brians and Beauty exit, Jeff has the Brawns stay back as he wants to know how bad it really is with them, and they confirm his suspicions. It’s ugly, Jeff–really, really ugly.
Scot and Jason push to do Tribal now so they don’t have to spend any more time with Alecia, but Alecia doesn’t agree. Maybe she’s really confused (I mean, we already know how hot it is out there) and thinks Peter really is President Obama and is hoping for a last second pardon from him.
8:50
There are no post-Immunity Challenge scenes of people scrambling. We go straight to Tribal.
There isn’t any real drama here as Jeff even comments that he has never seen a Tribal so clearcut before.
We go to the vote faster than I have ever seen….
The votes:
Alecia
Scot
Alecia
The fourth person voted out is Alecia.
Not a lot of drama tonight. On her way out, Alecia gets one last jab in (passive-aggressively). “Good luck, Cydney.” What an ugly night with the Brawns.
Recap:
I don’t even know how to recap this episode, as basically, it really was like watching a war movie. You know it was good, but you just stay in your seat when the credits roll and you can’t move because it’s hard to have an immediate reaction to it. It is as if you don’t know how to react to it. It didn’t really show any gameplay at all from any of the players on the Brains or the Beauty teams. We have no idea still how they are separating themselves in the game. The only clip it feels like we got was Debbie sharing that she’s her kids’ hero. Nobody else from the two other tribes seemed to have any kind of moment or scene where they showed us what is happening over there. We are exactly where we were at the end of last week. We know the merge is coming next week, so the game will really begin next week. We will get to see if Jason and Scot are just giant dicks in general, or if Alecia was really that awful that she brought out the worst in everybody. We will get to see how Caleb’s exit will affect the game.
Let’s end this exactly how I have ended each blog every other week so far this season: a woman is winning this season. Everybody can agree that this season was built for a woman to win now, right? Nobody is going to argue this point anymore?
Neal: No chance. Looks creepy, like creepy in that he randomly smiles at times you shouldn’t smile so big.
Jason: Loose cannon. Can’t manage anger. He’s not winning.
Scot: Nope, not happening.
Joe: I’m saying Joe makes it farther than any other guy.
Tai: My pre-season choice to make it the farthest. I don’t think, though, that he will prove me right. He seems like he already has a huge target on his back.
For some reason, Anna is sticking out in my head as being the leader of the pack of women. Without having any clue, because we haven’t seen enough yet, she is the one I think I’m going to put my money on. As of now at least, I’m going with Anna. Who does everybody else have as the leader of the pack????
Thanks for reading. See you next week.
