Welcome back, my peeps…That should be my new opening weekly line, my “You stay classy, San Diego” if you will:
…Yuck. I’m kidding. Plus, even though I’m 100% in control of what I write, it would probably still go horribly wrong:
Tonight should be a very interesting night of Survivor. The shape of the season is starting to set and form for good. We have had the path chosen for us by a series of events that got us to this point, and it’s getting closer for us, the viewers, to see who’s going to be the star this season, who is going to take the Survivor championship belt.
I think I want to say my money would be on Carolyn at this moment. Carolyn has an idol, and more importantly, she seems to be off everybody’s radar right now. I’m not like a huge Carolyn fan or anything either. I mean, this season is kind of like online dating: most of it is junk and maybe you can talk yourself into someone really flawed, or maybe someone looks better than they normally would in the real world because they’re surrounded by about five Glen Closes from Fatal Attraction:
My point is that I think Carolyn is looking good, but partly because there are not a lot more strong players to root for this season. I think I like Tyler’s game, but then again, how much of it have we really seen up to this point? We know he is constantly calculating and has his head in the game, but when is that going to translate to him taking the lead? Right now his game looks like someone playing for second place.
Do I think Mike is smartly going to play his idol? … No. No, I don’t. I like Jenn, but it’s clear she is going to be a target moving forward and I don’t see her surviving the gauntlet of the remaining episodes. I think tonight will go a long way in showing us where we’re headed depending on the vote: will it be Joe or Jenn, or will we get a curveball and one of the Blue Collars get the blindside?
If you’re a Jenn fan, you’re rooting for some Blue Collar mutiny. I think it will be very interesting if Joe can win the Immunity Challenge again, then the real choice of Jenn or the start of the Blue Collar purge will make it interesting tonight.
Plus, there is always the chance that Rodney does something completely inexplicable that causes a new direction…Let’s also root for that! Long story short, I think with a gun to my head, tonight will be the start of the Carolyn/Tyler administration, solidifying their roles as the president and vice-president of this season.
It’s 8 pm Portland, Oregon time, so let’s get to the show!
Previously on Survivor:
Okay… serious question: Will Jeff Probst ever step back from being host of Survivor to play one season of Survivor? Seriously, if you could bet, either “yes” or “no”…I know the odds are stacked in the “no” category, but wouldn’t that be a great season to watch? I think he’s going to steal this idea from me (I’m sure it’s been brought up by a million other people, but I will pretend that it’s all my idea).
Also, last week Hali got the boot, which is a pity, because I was looking forward to hopefully hearing her speak intelligently about The Constitution again. Is she from the past? I’m thinking she might have been the inspiration for Reece Witherspoon’s Legally Blonde movie?
Holy sh*t. Go back and watch the 8:01 mark of the show and tell me you didn’t just crap your pants watching that half sloth/half man thing creepily crawling on the beach!!!
Shirin shares with us that she still feels like she can make it to the end…which hypothetically she can as the token person who gets zero votes and gets the wrath of the jury at the Final Tribal.
Rodney’s downward spiral to the abyss of insanity is almost complete. I think we are about one episode away from the camera catching Rodney’s hallucination: the bathroom at the Overlook Hotel talking to Delbert Grady, telling Rodney that Jenn needs to be “corrected”. Maybe Mike needs “a good talking to”…
Jenn talks about wanting to get voted out. Come on, Jenn, We were just starting to like you. Don’t go down this road. Show a little heart.
So far this has been the Shirin episode. It’s like an episode of a sitcom where the neighbor gets to carry one episode a season. Basically, we’re getting the Kimmy Gibbler episode of Full House…
Shirin goes to Mike, knowing that he’s the most likely to pull her into the fold. Once again, Sierra is also in the scene, and once again, she stands there like a statue. One of the producers should check to see if she has pulse.
Commercial: Okay, I’m going to tread lightly here, but I want an honest question from you women out there regarding when one of your friends does the thing that all women do at least once in their lifetimes. I’m talking about chopping off all their hair. I’m not talking about short hair. I’m talking about really short hair like the Beatles had.
My question is whether it’s a law that every other women has to comment to her face about how beautiful she looks with that cut, even though everybody knows it doesn’t look good on her. There’s not a single time where that haircut has turned out well.
From a guy’s viewpoint, I can tell you hands down that if you have that cut, it’s quicker disqualification, then if you hurt dogs. If you like that cut, then more power to you… to each her own.
I’m more fascinated by the reaction of other people who feel so compelled to oversell how good it looks. It’s the same type of law that women follow on Facebook when one of their friends posts a picture of one of their kids doing something that 40 million other kids do daily, and everybody is required to comment on how “special” and “unique” their friends kids are. I guess I have trouble with people cornering you into forced moments.
Back from commercial and it looks like it’s time for the reward challenge. Everybody gets presented with one M&M to taste like it’s caviar.
We get some of the most epic falls I can remember in Survivor history with Dan and Will awkwardly falling off each obstacle as if they were shot by a sniper first.
The contest is over and our winners are: Mike, Shirin, Dan, Tyler and Sierra.
Jenn then again basically says she doesn’t want to be here, which Joe takes as a great opportunity to advocate for himself. Jenn needs a pep talk because right now she is sounding like Rudy when he was about to quit the Notre Dame football team.
Where is the Survivor janitor?
Commercial: Can we get a ruling on whether the Game of Thrones author ,George R.R. Martin, is allowed to hold us emotionally hostage by taking twenty goddamn years to finish the next f**king book in the series? One of the best things in life is being able to lord over my friends who haven’t read the books while they watch the TV show, being able to taunt them with spoilers that I know are going to happen.
Can we stage a sit-in or something in front of George Martin’s house? He’s going to die and we’re going to be left with about sixty-eight plots from the series that haven’t and will never be taken care of. It’s not like Game of Thrones can end with something ambiguous like Lost in Translation…
Back from commercial, we join the winning team as they discover their chocolate bar reward. Wow! Sierra is alive. She talks for the first time in three episodes. I guess that crosses off my theory that she died a month ago and her team was propping her up for her vote like a Weekend at Bernie’s situation:
Rodney plots to kill one of the chickens. Jenn apparently has taken ownership of the chickens, steaming that nobody asked her if it was okay. Has somebody’s Survivor stock plummeted so badly in one episode like Jenn’s tonight?
Apparently the chicken is laced with pot because everybody is laughing hysterically as Rodney does Dan and Mike impressions, and to be fair, they sounded pretty good. Joe is thinking that maybe he can get Rodney over to his side to try to take a big swing to get Mike out…hmmmm… interesting.
Commercial: Is there really a need for another Paul Blart movie? We get it…He’s fat and has a dorky name. Does that really equal box office gold? Which few of you do I need to shame? Obviously enough people went out to see the first one because here we go again with Paul Blart Part Deux. I thought we were done with the whole Kevin James thing, but I guess this is his last stand.
Well, hopefully Adam Sandler doesn’t make another Grown-Ups movie. I will literally fight anybody who claims that Grown-Ups (one or two) was good in any way, shape, or form. I will save my Adam Sandler opinions for next week, though.
Back from commercial, Dan reads us the tree mail as Joe knows he might be fighting for his Survivor life in the Immunity Challenge tonight.
Jenn and Joe talk, and Jenn is telling Joe to throw the competition to her so she can then give the necklace to him, which makes no sense. Is Jenn really wigging out this bad because of Hali getting tossed last week? Seriously, what is going on here? I feel like the father who put all his family’s savings into a bad stock (Jenn) and now is panicking:
Jenn says if she wins, she will give Joe the necklace.
Immunity Challenge time. Tonight to win immunity, you need to stand and balance a block on your head. I would last sixty seconds.
Two minutes in and half of the players are out already.
Joe is out. This feels important to note.
Mike is looking like Frankenstein being brought to life for the first time, as his eyes are closed but every other part of his body is shaking.
It comes down to Jenn and Tyler, but Tyler pulls it out. This episode has been telling us that it’s either Joe or Jenn. Now, it’s time to find out.
Commercial: Has there ever been anything that Steven Tyler has turned down? I ask because for the 50th time there was a commercial for the Country Music Awards coming to CBS and Steven Tyler, I guess, is a part of it. I don’t know about you, but when I think of Country Music, I think of Aerosmith.
Steven Tyler is damn near 70 years old. Does doing copious amounts of drugs make you keep your hair? Is this the secret for lasting hair growth? One thing that is always fun when watching Aerosmith perform is getting to see if this is the time that guitarist Joe Perry finally snaps and shanks Steven Tyler in the middle of song.
Back from commercial: let’s see if Jenn is completely going to fold up the tents. Joe tells us that he knows he may be powerless to stop his demise.
Jenn is literally begging Shirin to vote her out. Mike wants to split the vote between Joe and Jenn. Mike takes Shirin aside and tells her that she must vote out Jenn to earn his trust.
Joe is in full scramble mode and goes to make a decoy idol. I think he makes the best fake immunity idol in Survivor history (Survivor historians out there reading this, is that statement true?). That is a thing of beauty he made. Joe goes to Mike to try to make a deal with him, but Mike wants the (fake) idol first.
We go to Tribal Council and Joe gives Mike the decoy idol. Jeff, right off the bat, calls out Jenn. Jeff gives her the opportunity to just walk off right now, but Jenn says that she doesn’t want to “quit”.
Mike asks Jeff to confirm or deny the decoy idol. Jeff tells Mike he can’t tell him until it is played. With that we go to the votes and Mike plays the fake idol. Obviously, it gets denied.
Jenn, Joe, Jenn, Jenn, Dan, Joe, Jenn, Joe, Joe…
Joe is bye-bye.
Jenn’s stock has plummeted lower than MySpace stock and Mike’s is rising. You never want to see any player mentally give up in Survivor, so unless Jenn is playing the ultimate game of possum, then I hope she goes next. The landscape looks as if the people who are capable of winning this season are: Carolyn, Tyler, and I guess, maybe…doubtfully Mike.
With Mike, I just feel like he is destined to have an epic implosion this season. Granted, it’s not like I’m running to Vegas to put money on Carolyn or Tyler. It’s just who I think are the favorites to win right now. Please, I’m curious; let me know if you disagree with my top two and let me know who you think will win this season and why.
Thanks again for reading this nonsense that I vomit out every week. 😉