Previously on Survivor: Riverlands, the Brains were terrible at everything and voted out both Littlefinger (because he’s rich on that whore-money) and Varys (because he didn’t have the balls to strategize well).
On the Brains beach
(The Brains tribe returns from Tribal Council.)
“I fear the women are forming an alliance.”[/caption]
TYRION: Well played, ladies. Terrific blindside.
Sitting in the Brains’ empty rice bag
TYRION: I fear the women are forming an alliance. They’re going to screw me over. And not by the excessive and inventively vulgar means to which I am accustomed.
Near the Brawn beach
DROGO: (unintelligible Dothraki)
BRIENNE: I knew it! You are a king. My kingdar never fails me, even though I’m a woman.
DROGO: (unintelligible Dothraki)
BRIENNE: I would be honored to form an alliance, and I swear to protect you. Clearly, you would never be dishonest toward me just because I’m a woman.
(#GiantsRUs)
DROGO: (unintelligible Dothraki)
BRIENNE: Say what? The Hound told Yara he wants to get rid of me? But I swore to protect him! It’s because I’m a woman, isn’t it?
Brutal rain and windstorm, Beauty beach
(Close-up of Margaery’s water-pruned toes.)
(Cersei tries to shield her glass of red wine from the raindrops and grimaces.)
LORAS: Hold up. There’s wine? Where’d you get that?
CERSEI: Don’t worry about it, Petals.
Brutal rain and windstorm, Brains beach
(Olenna turns her headpiece backwards so it completely covers her face.)
(Tyrion approaches camp with an armful of firewood. A gust of wind blows him into the river.)
Brutal rain and windstorm, Brawn beach
(Ygritte sits, shivering, under a tree. She tries to get up several times but can’t because her snowsuit is waterlogged. She fires several arrows at the sky in anger.)
YGRITTE: You know nothing, cumulonimbus clouds!
(Hodor dances happily on the Brawn beach.)
HODOR: Hodor!
(Yara squats in a puddle, pouting.)
YARA: This is the most ridiculous situation I’ve ever put myself in, and I just wish I hadn’t. These cloudy skies and torrential rains make me homesick. I miss my brother. THEOOOON!
On the Beauty beach
(The women sit and watch the men work. Jaime climbs a tree and begins chopping down branches.)
CERSEI: He really is magnificent, isn’t he?
ROS: Kinky!
(Up in the tree, an adorable monkey spots Jaime. He shoves it off its branch to the ground.)
On a wall of rocks next to a crow
JON SNOW: Check it out. I found the Hidden Immunity Idol. Are you proud of me now, Dad?
On Brains beach
TYRION: We have tree-mail, ladies. I think it’s a clue to our next challenge. Listen: “Use a bucket to scoop water from the river / Toss it to your tribemate in a long, wet sliver / Fill a container, and it will drop a ball / Use that to solve a vertical maze and beat them all / Survivor’s done this challenge many times before / That redhead on the Beauty tribe is a really big whore”
OLENNA: But what does it mean?!
Later, in the river by the Brains’ beach
DAENERYS: We need to practice for the challenge.
MELISANDRE: But we don’t know what the challenge is. The tree-mail riddle was too diff—
(Daenerys coughs the word “dragons.” The Brains practice for the next four hours straight.)
On the banks of the Trident River
PROBST: Come on in, guys! It’s time for the reward/immunity challenge. Survivors ready? Go! Brains tribe in last, as usual!
TYRION: We haven’t even started yet.
(The Brawn tribe systematically throws water to each other, releases the ball, and solves the puzzle.)
(The Beauty tribe throws all their water on Ros, who’s inexplicably wearing a white University of Wisconsin T-shirt.)
ROS: SPRINGBREAKWOOOO!!!
HODOR: Hodor!
(The Brains tribe struggles, but Tyrion and Olenna make a comeback on the puzzle. Beauty loses.)
On Beauty beach
(Jon Snow and Jaime sit atop a rock next to the river.)
JON SNOW: Do you think Loras has better hair than I do? We need to get rid of him.
(Jaime shoves Jon Snow into the river.)
Later on Beauty Beach
(Loras and Jaime walk down the beach.)
LORAS: OMG, we need to get rid of Margaery. Sisters are, like, the worst; am I right?
(Jaime shoves Loras into the river.)
Even later on Beauty Beach
(Cersei and Jamie lay on a pile of twigs. Cersei smokes a cigarette.)
CERSEI: Loras has to go. Now.
JAIME: Calm down. It’s just a game; it’s not like you have to marry him or something.
That Night at Tribal Council
PROBST: Loras, how are you voting tonight?
LORAS: Jeff, I’m at the butterfly stage of my life.
PROBST: You mean you’re in your reproductive and mobile stage, and ready to undergo courtship and mating, as well as colonize new habitats?
LORAS: Exactly, Jeff. Also, some of these bitches are lazy with a capital “L.” I feel like everybody should pull their own weight around camp; dot, dot, dot…
(Loras makes a “Miss Thing” face and snaps three times in Z formation.)
PROBST: Time to vote.
(They vote.)
PROBST: We have a three-way between Margaery, Loras, and Ros.
ROS: Kinky!
(They revote.)
PROBST: And the third person voted out of Survivor: Riverlands is… Loras.
(Probst snuffs Loras’s torch.)
PROBST: It’s time for you to migrate, Knight of the Flowers.
Somewhere between the Trident River and Ponderosa
LORAS: Clearly, they wanted the cutest, most fashionable member out first. I really hope Ros does well, and to the rest of the people, I don’t even remember their names. Especially my sister’s. Who spells “Margaery” like that, anyway? I mean, come on. Her real name is Karen.
