Previously on Survivor: Riverlands, a tribe switch separated Brienne from the rest of the Brawn tribe (but not because she’s a woman). The former Brains tribe found themselves in a position of power as the former Beauty tribe all tried to flip on each other. And Yara was shocked to see her pal The Hound sent packing.
On Ararmartyn beach
YARA: You guys just screwed up royally. Especially you, Ygritte. Everything about you is annoying. Your annoying arrows. Your annoying red hair. Your annoying soggy snowsuit that reeks like an annoying wet direwolf. Everything about you I cannot stand. Because you’re annoying.
YGRITTE: Do you think I’m annoying?
YARA: Duh.
YGRITTE: Now ask me if I care.
JON SNOW: You got served.
In a suitable sulking spot by the Ararmartyn beach
(Yara pouts in the sand. Jeff approaches.)
PROBST: Wild Things is on cable back at the hotel. This better be good.
YARA: I’m going to flip out on Ygritte. I need to be a good role model for my brother Theon by quitting when things get even a little bit difficult.
(Yara swims away.)
The next morning on Ararmartyn beach
(“YOU KNOW NOTHING, YARUH” is scrawled in the sand.)
Somewhere in a field
PROBST: Welcome to your reward challenge. How about this old Survivor chestnut: you’re going to hold an idol in one hand and try to knock your opponent’s idol out of their hand. Survivors ready? Go!
(Ros squares off against Drogo.)
JON SNOW: Only look at her eyes, brother!
(Drogo wins and then attempts to mount Ros.)
PROBST: No traditional Dothraki victory celebrations!
(Hodor squares off against Tyrion. Hodor tosses both Tyrion and his idol thirty feet into the air.)
HODOR: Hodor
(Hodor wins the challenge for Ararmartyn. Their reward is a raid of the Jorg camp.)
On Jorg beach
(Hodor and Drogo arrive to raid the Jorg camp.)
OLENNA: Welcome, gentlemen. What can we do for you?
HODOR: Hodor!
DROGO: (unintelligible Dothraki)
OLENNA: …
HODOR: Hodor!
DROGO: (unintelligible Dothraki)
OLENNA: Here. Just take these pillows and the fishing gear.
(Drogo points at Jaime.)
HODOR: Hodor!
DROGO: (unintelligible Dothraki)
JAIME: …
(Drogo hands Jaime his already-used clue to a hidden immunity idol.)
JAIME: I don’t want this. Thanks for totally crippling me.
Somewhere in a field
PROBST: Come on in, guys! Time for your immunity challenge. You’re going to build a staircase with wooden poles, knit a scarf for a cold giraffe, race through a bamboo maze, eat as many hot dogs as you can in 90 seconds, go down a slide, watch season two of House of Cards, maneuver a key through a rope obstacle, use the key to unlock a machete, use the machete to release puzzle pieces, and use those to solve a puzzle with numbers to a combination lock. Survivors ready? Go!
(Jorg jumps out to a sizable lead.)
PROBST: Ararmartyn: struggling to handle their poles!
ROS: Amateurs.
(Both tribes reach the puzzle stage. Ararmartyn is still behind.)
DROGO: (unintelligible Dothraki)
(Jon Snow obeys Khal Drogo, setting the combination lock numbers. Ararmartyn pulls ahead.)
MARGAERY: Jeff, Drogo’s copying us!
PROBST: Can you really know that for sure?
(Ararmartyn wins and celebrates boisterously.)
DROGO: (unintelligible Dothraki)
DAENERYS: I speak Dothraki. Spoiler alert: I also speak High Valyrian. And enough German to get by at Oktoberfest. But that was totally Dothraki for “Top 5! Top 5, baby!”
BRIENNE: He said what??
Back on Jorg beach
(As Tribal Council looms, the members of the former Beauty tribe try to sell each other out.)
ROS: Margaery farts in her sleep!
MARGAERY: Jaime voted for Nader in 2000!
JAIME: Neither Margaery nor Ros is my sister!
Sitting on a pile of cheese
OLENNA: This is all highly amusing. We just needed people to boss around. The brain needed a body. We found our zombies, now we’re in. (beat) Even though zombies don’t have brains. (beat) Give me a break; I’m 110 years old. (beat) But I’m feisty!
That Night at Tribal Council
PROBST: It’s time to vote.
(They vote.)
PROBST: And the sixth person voted out of Survivor: Riverlands is… Margaery.
(Margaery begins ugly-crying as she brings Jeff her torch.)
PROBST: The tribe has spoken. I’m sorry. I can tell by your perpetually plunging necklines and dead gay husband how desperate you are. I mean, how desperate you are to be a Survivor.
MARGAERY: (through a mess of tears and snot) No, I wanted to be the Survivor.
PROBST: It’s time for you to go get a Kleenex.
Somewhere between the Trident River and Ponderosa
MARGAERY: Loras said my real name is what?? That bitch!
