No melancholy introduction today. Ain’t nobody got time for that (Now that remix is stuck in your head, you’re welcome). Let’s get right to this week’s episode of America’s new favorite guilty pleasure.
7:02 – Nice long preview featuring plenty of Chris Bukowski. He’s the Bach version of Lex Luthor, with hair. Chris is a super villain and I hope he makes it to the end, where the prize is a long-term relationship with Chris Harrison.
7:05 – AshLee just called Elise crazy. Judging by the preview AshLeeeeee is going to try very hard to prove herself even crazier.
7:06 – I just laughed so hard that milk came out my nose. And I’m not drinking milk. Says Elise, “I really want to fall in love with Chris.” Seriously?!? You just wanted to fall in love with Dylan last week? Is EVERY man eligible to fall in love with you? I’m calling my bookie to find the over/under on the number of times Elise has fallen in love. I’m guessing it’s 539.
7:07 – Says House Mom Michelle Money about Marquel, “I could really see a future with him.” Two problems with this statement – 1) Marquel is not an NBA player and 2) Danielle just showed up 10 seconds after she said that. Time for Money to steal Robert away from Sarah.
7:13 – And right on cue, Money just said, “I’m over Marquel. I’m so into Robert.” Nothing like rejection and desperation to make you realize which man you’re attracted too.
7:15 – Marquel and Danielle are on their date. We finally get something Bachelor-esque. I guess the month’s new budget finally kicked in and the show can now afford to rent a plane.
7:15 – Danielle says she came on the show specifically for Marquel. Says Danielle, “This could be the first date with the man I’m going to marry.” What do they put in the water in Mexico? The way the women act must mean there is some kind of twisted Montezuma’s Revenge in the water, maybe Cupid’s Revenge. How does everyone fall instantly in love? Is it the booze? I think Chris Harrison is spiking drinks.
7:18 – Elise was given a date card. Naturally she’s taking Bukowski. Viewers are treated to more Elise gems like:
“Sometimes there’s a storm just to get to that beautiful rainbow.”
“Chris and I can make a beautiful rainbow together.”
And then Bukowski pulls a Jimmy Buffett, slips on a pop top and injuries his knee. I’m sure he twisted it reaching down for a beer and his foot slipped on some sand. Oh, pobrecito!
7:24 – Danielle and Marquel are on their date. Unless something crazy happens, there’s no point discussing what occurs on any of these dates. No one says anything interesting, ever.
7:30 – Time for Elise and Bukowski’s date. Bum knee and all, Chris is going to tough it out, after all, “I aged about 50 years in the past one hour, but I’m always horny so I’m not going to let that stop me.”
7:33 – Michelle Money is driving me crazy. Not in a good way. She’s so desperate, talking to anyone who will listen about her predicament and how bummed she is about the Robert situation. Let’s make this clear, she IS NOT into Robert. She just doesn’t want to be kicked out of her free vacation.
Money is taking out Sarah, Sarah is crying, Robert (like most men) has NO idea what’s going on, and the world is getting an inside glimpse at how women can and will take each other out. In many ways, I’m reminded how scary women can be. No offense ladies.
7:37 – Says Chris during his date with Elise, “I’m in agony because of my knee, but, she’s super hot.”
Translation, “I’m just putting up with this knee pain because I know I’m going to score later.”
7:40 – Chris and Elise make out in a pool for 5 minutes before Bukowski suggests they go back to their suite. How do I know Gentleman Chris is going to coitus it up? Elise just said, “Elise Bukowski has a nice ring too it.” My jaw has dropped to the floor. I’ve met 14-year olds with more maturity. And then Elise made this sound. Okay, I made that last sentence up but she might as well have.
7:45 – Grandma Money and Clare are planning a double date with Boring Zach and Robert the Doofus. Clearly they are just trying to secure roses, but men being relationship morons, they really don’t need to try that hard.
7:48 – Sarah, seeing Money stealing a guy she is interested in, is crying for the 3435th time this season. I feel bad for her because she’s not a gamer, so really Sarah shouldn’t be on this show.
7:55 – Jackie just showed up. She’s ridiculously gorgeous. Every dude’s head swiveled so fast I thought it would spin off. That’s what I really enjoy about this show; new people just make a mess of things.
8:01 – Jackie has picked Marquel to go out on a date. As Jackie scanned the crowd, everyone else was partnered up except him (I saw Clare practically inside Zach’s shirt). Drama time!
8:04 – AshLeeeee gets a date card. Naturally she picks Graham. I’m looking forward to him giving her a reality check. The fallout should be good.
8:15 – Marquel and Jackie went on a date. The word “like” was used about 20 times. That’s as interesting as these dates get.
8:17 – We’re back to Elise and Chris. After visiting the hospital to have his knee looked at, Elise is playing nursemaid. Bukowski is lying in his bed as Elise brings him food and pours him drinks. I’d say Chris has her wrapped around his finger but that would be a gross understatement. I’m just waiting for her to feed him peeled grapes.
More from Elise, “Pain is actually a turning point in our relationship. This moment is why I came to paradise. Chris is my man now forever.” I need to talk to a psychiatrist because I’m not sure what mental condition Elise has.
8:27 – Time for the AshLeeee/Graham date. Much to Graham’s surprise she has been stalking him on Instagram. She’s also likely hacked his phone, Facebook, Twitter and Pinster accounts.
8:30 – Uh oh, during their date Graham and AshLeeeeeee were given a note by “Chris Harrison.” They could stay in their own suites for the night or stay together. Graham suggests they hang out and sleep in separate rooms since it really is their first official date. This leaves AshLeeeeee with a facial expression like Graham ran over her grandmother.
I gotta give Graham credit for not pulling a Bukowski and passing on the easy score.
8:32 – For the second time tonight, AshLeeee says that she and Graham would have hot babies. If my daughter ever ended up on this show I’d disown her.
8:37 – Cocktail party time. Bukowski is hinting to Grandma Money that he might leave because of his knee injury. A Skyrim character is tougher than Bukowski.
8:40 – Robert and Money chat. Grandma Money decides the best way to get a rose from Robert is to bully him. Robert, being the spineless jellyfish that he is, will likely cave after getting guilt shamed. After all, Money was really open with him. That means he’s required by law to give her a rose. I think that’s how the Bach bylaws work.
8:50 – Rose ceremony time. I think Money and Danielle are going home.
8:52 – Marquel gives Jackie his rose. See ya, Danielle.
8:53 – Robert gives Sarah his rose. Time for Grandma Money to go home and take of her grandkids.
8:55 – Bukowski is up.
8:56 – He calls up Elise and tells her he can’t give her his rose. He’s going home and he asks her to go home with him! She says yes! Now they’re going to get married! I’m certain of it. I bet 10 rainbows on it.
8:57 – Hold on! Bukowski can still give his rose?!? He gives it to Money!!! WTF!?! I smell a conspiracy by ABC producers.
8:58 – And Chris and Elise limp off into the sunset. Viewers are treated to a Chris/Elise montage complete with a cheesy guitar straight out of “Beverly Hills 90210” episode.
9:00 – Next week looks promising. AshLeeeeee looks like she’s ready to go Mt. St. Helens. She goes so nuts it’s worth two (2!) episodes.
Final thoughts – The level of delusion on this show is amazing. Money denies she liked Marquel after he goes on a date with someone else. She even says he’s “playing games” and then she proceeds to play games with Robert/Sarah. Elise is ready to marry any man with a penis, Clare is willing to ocean hump any guy who is nice to her, AshLeeeeee is insane, and Sarah doesn’t realize she’s on a reality show. ABC did a masterful job of recruiting…Why do people need date cards for their relationship to be considered dating? You’re in paradise! Sure there are other people, but come on! If you’re interested in someone you hang out with them and talk. It’s what Marcus and Lacy seem to be doing…Michelle Money is scary. Flat out. She gives me chills…This show is full of more crazy people than Arkham Asylum.
See you all next week!