Bachelor in Paradise Week 4 Part 2 – “There’s so much booze and no one’s drinking it!”
We’re off to a rolling start. Let’s get to Part 2!
7:02 – We pick up right where last night ended. Graham looks like he’s having a panic attack. He finally realized that he was dangerously close to being seriously attached to a Stage 5 Clinger.
7:04 – Meanwhile AshLeeeeeeee just stands there holding her rose. She doesn’t move, doesn’t change facial expressions; she just stands there thinking of all the ways she can secretly murder Graham for embarrassing her on TV.
7:05 – Everyone’s back in position. AshLeeeeeeee again asks Graham, talks in a 5-year old’s voice AND HE ACCEPTS HER ROSE! Seriously?!?
7:06 – Now Lacy is off, running like she’s about to shart her brains out and doesn’t want to be seen. There’s so much drama even the contestants can’t take it. And here comes an ambulance! This is what happens when adults with the emotional intelligence of 13-year olds get put on national TV.
7:10 – The good news about Lacy being in a hospital is that it gives boring Marcus something to do. Scratch that– the less camera time Marcus has the better.
7:12 – Back to the rose ceremony. We know Kalon is out, but who else is leaving?
7:12 – Marquel is gone. Jesse’s BS worked on Jackie and she picked him. Guess he just had more game. Or it’s because Jackie is racist. I’m kidding!
7:14 – Back to Lacy, who is at the hospital and is being treated like she’s the POTUS. That said I think she’s laying in the same bed Ryan Putz laid in during episode 2.
7:18 – ABC producers are laying the foreshadowing on thick with Clare. Says Clare about her relationship with Boring Zack, “I know Zack and I have a connection. We’re unbreakable.” And in walks Christy, who allegedly was on Juan Pablo’s season but I don’t remember her at all.
7:21 – Of course, Christy asks Zack to go on a date. Zack goes to Clare and everything seems peachy as he tells her he turned Christy down. Looking to throw a hot blonde on anyone but her own man, Clare leads Christy to D-bag Jesse. Of course he accepts. I wonder if Jackie is regretting not picking Marquel now?
7:28 – Christy and Jesse are on their date, which includes walking around a city and getting drunk. With his Player ways and Christy’s low IQ (she talks like a Valley Girl), these two make a great pair.
7:31 – And Jesse has Christy eating out of his hand. She claims to be worried about d-bags yet she clearly can’t see the one sitting in front of her. Christy might need glasses.
7:33 – Time for Sarah and Robert’s date. Sarah hasn’t even kissed Robert yet. That’s right, she hasn’t kissed HIM. Why does she have to initiate it? Because I’m pretty sure Robert’s never kissed a girl before.
7:36 – This is awkward. Sarah and Robert are in a pool, she’s straddling him, and he’s still not doing anything. He’s acting like a wooden chair! Minus the wood.
7:36 – And they finally kiss. Says Sarah, “Kissing Robert is just so surreal. It’s my wildest dream coming true.” That’s her wildest dream?!? Okay, so maybe Sarah has never kissed anyone before either because Robert has all the game of a department store mannequin. There was nothing hot about that kiss. In fact, in the future doctors will show that clip to people to make them LESS aroused.
7:40 – Lacy (in a one-on-one) is calling out Cody as an inexperienced person when it comes to relationships. I can’t believe I’m saying this but she has a point. Last episode he was in love with Clare, now he’s smitten with Grandma Money. Dude’s trying way too hard. I’ve known guys like that. Never works out. Poor Cody’s going to have to wait until he’s 40 to be mature enough for a woman.
7:43 – Christy and Jesse are back from their date, a little (a lot) tipsy. Says Christy, “I could be leaving in two days. I want to get wasted!” Finally a party girl! That’s what this show has been missing – someone who’ll trip over stuff and throw breakable objects. Do we finally have this show’s comic relief? Is she BiP’s JarJar Binks?
7:45 – Says Zack on a one-on-one, “All day I’ve been having second thoughts about saying no to Christy.” Uh oh. Then on the beach with Clare he drops this, “I’m trying to figure out if a relationship for us is the right thing to do.” Here we go. Prepare for the Clare meltdown.
7:46 – The Zack/Clare conversation didn’t go well, mostly because Zack delivered it like a Tim Tebow pass, poorly. Zack is feeling things are getting too serious and it’s making him a bit uncomfortable. He did a poor job of expressing that, but Clare heard just a hint of hesitation on his part and took it as complete rejection. Now she’s crying in the bathroom for the 33rd time this season.
7:48 – And now Clare is running off in the woods, off camera (but with her mic pack on) and talking to a producer. Clare’s in full meltdown mode!
7:52 – Clare is leaving! She couldn’t convince Zack to fall in love for her in 12 days and now she’s packing her bags. But not before walking into Zack’s cabin (while he’s sleeping) with music ABC producers dub in that sounds like the Wicked Witch of the West is arriving.
7:55 – Clare wakes up Zack and chats with him. She talks, he listens, she says she’s going to leave (and you KNOW she wants him to talk her out of it) and then he says something that seems like a poor attempt to make her feel better and she takes off. What are we going to do without the Tear Monster? Who else will we get to overact so quickly!?! Oh, everybody else.
7:58 – Clare is gone. I’m pretty sure I saw Zack fist pump and pull a bottle of JD out of his cargo shorts.
8:03 – It’s a new day, time for a fresh face to make a mess of things. It’s Lucy, who I certainly remember. She loved getting naked on Juan Pablos’s season and immediately drops trou at the house. Excuse me while I google pictures of her.
8:04 – Lucy asks Jesse to go out on a date. Ugh. Really? The dude screams d-bag, how does no one see that? And he’s not even good looking! Someone explain Jesse, Marcus and Bukowski to me. I just don’t get it.
8:08 – Grandma Money gets a date card. She says she doesn’t want things to move too fast. More ABC foreshadowing. This means Money will be getting ocean coitused in about 3 minutes.
8:10 – Cody and Money are taking engagement pictures as a date. Those devious ABC producers! Evidently Cody takes this as a sign to share inner AshLeeeeeee and tell Money that he’s been waiting three years for a moment like this. He leaves out the “With ANYBODY” part. Not creepy at all.
8:16 – The Cody/Money date has gotten more serious. The next round of pictures requires Money to be wearing a wedding dress. She’s freaking out! Are there any woods for her to run and hide into?
8:18 – Money actually puts the dress on. I’m kinda surprised she’s being such a good sport about this. She’s said the word “Overwhelmed” 24 times in three minutes.
8:20 – Graham and AshLeeeeee get the coolest date I’ve seen yet. They’re at a race track with some gorgeous sports carts. Screw spelunking– this would be the date I’d want.
8:22 – How is this date going so well? At the beginning of this episode Graham was sweating like a man on trial and now he and AshLeeeeeeee are having a great time? What?!?
8:23 – Meanwhile back at the hacienda Christy says this gem, “There’s so much booze and no one’s drinking it! Why? It makes me so mad!” Me too! If I have time (I won’t) I’ll make a Top 10 Things said during this season of “Bachelor in Paradise” and this will be in my top 5. Waste is something I take very seriously.
8:27 – Lot of promos on commercial breaks for ABC’s fall shows. I highly recommend “Black-ish,” very funny.
8:28 – Marcus just told Lacy he loves her. If there’s something “Bachelor” shows have taught me over the years, it’s that love on a reality show is never permanent. Unless you’re Kalon and a mirror.
8:30 – Lucy is all over Jesse like a wet t-shirt. We’ll see the alluded to threesome scene in 3…2…1….
8:35 – Night vision camera time! Drunk Jesse is making out with Christy on a mattress that looks like it used to be housed in a plastic race car. That’s how small it is. Here comes Lucy. ABC producers have cued up pornish-style music. This being a network show, we’re left to ASSUME tri-coitus has occurred; we see nothing. Gah!
8:41 – Final cocktail party time. Looks like Zack will pick Jackie, leaving Jesse to pick one of the two people he coitused. Decisions, decisions.
8:43 – Says Lacy, who seems to be taking on the role of an 80-year old woman, “Jesse is definitely a sleazeball. He spent the night with Christy and Lucy. He’s here to have a good time and with as many girls as he can.” Oh, come on! A dude can’t turn an offer like that down. No man could. Shame on you Lacy for not understanding that.
8:45 – Says Lucy, “Jesse’s hot, funny and smart.” Hahahaha! Stop it! You’re killing me! You should open for Chris Rock!
8:50 – The new Bachelor will be announced Wednesday morning on “Good Morning America.” My money is on Farmer Chris. No way Nick has a shot.
8:52 – Rose ceremony time. Amazingly, despite having a blood alcohol level of 2.3, Chris Harrison manages to say five sentences without slurring. Comes from experience.
8:55 – Zack gives Jackie his rose. No surprise there.
8:57 – Jesse’s turn. He rips his rose in half and gives one part to Christy and one part to Lucy while porn music plays. Just kidding, he gave it to Party Girl Christy. Lucy is a goner.
8:58 – Not 15 minutes after saying how awesome Jesse is, Lucy says, “It makes me sad for Christy because he’s a jerk. This week is going to be uncomfortable for her.” Is that more coitus innuendo?
Final thoughts – I used to like Sarah but she’s getting on my nerves. She over-romanticizes her relationship with Robert, doesn’t say ANYTHING nice about anyone and is starting to ride on her horse a bit too high…Lacy’s getting on my nerves too. She and Marcus just need to leave. I’m worn out from her passing judgment on everybody…I’m glad Clare is gone. A little Clare goes a long way. That said, I wouldn’t mind seeing her on the next version of this show if there was a twist. I hope they bring Juan Pablo back like they did with Jake Pavelka. THAT would be awesome…Aside from Kalon, who everyone knew was gone the second he arrived, Jesse has been the most interesting male character this season. This goes to prove that “The Bachelor” is a better show than “The Bachelorette”. There’s just more drama with women.
See you all next week!