Rob Has a Podcast

Soup Blog: The Soup Nazi on the Big Brother 14 Premiere


The following is a guest post from Rob Has a Website Contributor and Legendary Live Tweeter, @TheeSoopNazee

Warning: The following may contain “jokes about nothing.”

“George Costanza is your mentor?”
“ Yeah, he’s great! I am learning so much.”
“About what? How to calculate five percent of a restaurant check?”
“You know what your problem is? You just have no respect for the mentor/protégé relationship”
-Exchange between Jerry and Abby, Seinfeld, Season 8, The Fatigues

It’s back, bitches! This is a blog like no other that contains thousands of words and multiple references to a show that was popular 15 years ago. For the next two months, I’ll be blogging about this show as it airs three times a week, and with that, millions of lives will be lost. Thousands of RHAPists will go further down the proverbial rabbit hole and watch countless hours of live feeds (which you can still purchase at as the four mentors play their own chess game for $100,000. The winning pawn gets half a million, which upon writing, sounds like a good deal to me.

But first! Let’s get to my favourite part of every season; meeting the new Hamsters and laughing at how forced everything is. Just days ago, these twelve people were surprised with their invitation, although we knew the cast a week ago. But who am I to nitpick, Nazis aren’t that particular.

The Intro:

“Seems to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it: it’s too high! It’s in no-man’s-land; you look like you live with your mother.” Unlike Seinfeld, which got off to an amazing start with a line about nothing, the intro for Big Brother itself, unlike other seasons, actually wasn’t that great at all. Sure, I could watch Kara Monaco do handstands all day long. I even enjoy Joe dropping food on the ground as he attempts to fry on a stovetop fire. But other than that, nothing really stood out, minus Jodi going on Big Brother and not wanting to spend the summer with people who cause drama and chaos, which by the end of the hour turned out to not really matter at all.

The Coaches:

The worst kept secret since Willie being a Hantz was finally revealed tonight as the Coaches entered the house. I’ll say it now, I’m not a fan of returning players being mixed with rookies. If CBS wants to bring back All Stars, that’s great, just pit them against an even playing field. With that said, I actually didn’t hate the twist tonight. I like all four returning players, even if Britney, much like George Costanza teaching Risk Management because it was on a fake resume, has no business mentoring anyone in Big Brother strategy. Dan, Janelle, and Boogie are all true Big Brother legends, and their spot as Coaches is hard to argue. Dr. Will and Danielle are the obvious misses here, but if they were in the cast we’d have Will, Willie, Wil, Dan, Danielle R, and Danielle M. Even an architect couldn’t figure that one out.

I see this playing out well at the beginning; the Coaches, as such, will volunteer their wisdom to their protégés. This I like because I feel like having someone teach new people how to play the game can only be a postive. The problem with Big Brother is that they cast people who have no idea what they are doing, and the ones that do know tend to go “too hard, too fast.” At first, the Coaches will be forced to teach their protégés how to play the game, until the inevitable happens anyway. When the Coaches do inevitably enter the game, I fear it will be game over for the newbies. Dan, Boogie, and Janelle (featuring Britney) coming in mid-game doesn’t even seem fair, and our beloved newbies won’t stand a chance.

The Draft:

After the Coaches were introduced, the Draft took place. This was probably the most exciting thing that took place this episode, as Britney channelled her inner Al Davis and took all of the bigger, stronger, faster people in Shane, Willie, and JoJo. Boogie drafted well-rounded team, taking strength in Frank, smarts in Ian, and a likely fan favourite in Jenn. Who knows what Janelle was doing? Dan got screwed having to pick last in the first round AND last overall, but could’ve gotten Willie and Ian if he didn’t pass them up for Kara and Danielle. For a guy who wouldn’t play Ding Marry Kill on the podcast…

The Bed Bash:

In the first challenge of the year, much to the dismay of a certain podcast co-host, we had no wieners. This, combined with the fact that the “PJs” that they had Kara, Ashley, and Danielle wear were just tank tops and shorts, is a big No Soup For You to the challenge department over at CBS.

The challenge did have its share of moments, such as Dan telling Britney “You gotta go deep on that,” with nary a wiener in site, and Jodi hopelessly flopping around on the mattresses. For her new husband’s sake, I sure hope that was a one-time only occurrence. In the end, Team Britney had no problems in the challenge, as Shane looked like he does this in his spare time. Good with his hands, and on a bed? If only there was a Playboy Playmate in the house. The other three teams were especially terrible, and once Willie was crowned HoH, something that he imagines is better than winning the Super Bowl and a National Championship, Dan had to cut one of his protégés. Had Dan picked Kara to go home, he would’ve always been Judas to me, but thankfully, me made the right choice and got rid of Glacier-in-the-Making Jodi. Soup For Us! I do wish he played Wanda Roulette though. Maybe next week.

The Seinlanguage:

Months after my treasured Kim Spradlin dominated a whole new One World in Survivor, I have a new reality TV crush. Her name is Ashley, and this crush is for a completely different reason. You see, Ashley is basically a Seinfeld character that never happened. She graduated from a Big Ten school with a degree in Mobile Spray Tanning. In the challenge, much like George Costanza himself, getting that frog across the street was her entire life. And most impressively, she’s already figured out the Seinfeld Dating Conundrum, the good ones know they’re good. And they know they’re in such demand they’re just not interested in confining themselves to one person. The mediocre ones are available, but they’re so insecure about not being one of the good ones that they’re always going, “Well I’m not good
enough for you, what are you doing with me?” and eventually you just go, “You’re right.” What Ashley needs is someone who has nothing, somebody who just has to appreciate being with her because he’s so desperate. Cue Ian, he’s unemployed (not really), and he lives with his parents. Ianshley 2012 for the win!

The Notes About Nothing:

A couple of other things stood out to me, for one reason or another:

-Enzo is a legendary HG? The Meow Meow made the opening sequence with the likes of our four Coaches, along with Dr. Will. One of those things is not like the other.
-One of the questions that spoiler-savvy Big Brother fans asked in the weeks leading up to the premiere was why would Britney be considered a Coach? Well, in her intro, that question was answered. She’s the one who lost her dignity on a slippery wiener.
-Mike Boogie is, as Russell Hantz would say, “a terrible looking mother****er!”
-Danielle is attractive one day, not attractive the next; she is a two-face. While she looked hot all episode, especially in that nurse’s outfit, that DR session towards the end was terrifying. That and Ian in his boxers is enough for me not to sleep tonight.

The Awards:

The Sein: Awarded to the player who placed their order just right, this first ever Sein goes to Mike Boogie, who had by far the most diverse draft of the Coaches. While I’m not sold on any of them winning, Boogie picked a team that isn’t the biggest threat, but is just simply well-rounded.

The Costanza: “Awarded” to the player who couldn’t get their order just right, this first ever Costanza goes to Janelle, who got so flustered by the Draft Nazi that she ended up picking Wil, Ashley, and Joe. No Soup for You, come back, one year!

The End:

With episode one “rhaping” up, I feel like this is a season I want to do well, but could entirely go awry if the Coaches do get to enter the game in a month and cruise to the end. Either way, I’ll be closely following the live feeds and blogging every Thursday night for your viewing displeasure. These blogs will be completely spoiler free, but I might add things you didn’t see on the show but were on the feeds.

Also be sure to check out recaps from Andy Baker, another Guest Poster on RobHasAWebsite.

In closing, for a lot of readers, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my Twitter (@TheeSoopNazee), so follow me maybe?

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