The Bachelor

Guest Post: Did Shakespeare Ever Watch the Bachelorette?

A Bachelorette Guest Post from Parasocial Dude

For those of you who skipped the required reading in 9th grade English, Romeo and Juliet is actually a pretty filthy piece of smut. Emily and Co. obviously hadn’t a clue to the salacious meaning of half the lines they spewed, which made the experience all the more enjoyable. Like untrained performers incognizant of the sexual allusions and innuendo of Billy Shakes, Emily and her boy-toys unwittingly hurl themselves head first into a suicidal union.

The men of the Bachelorette this season reflect one of three characters from the play: Romeo the Lover, Mercutio the Protector, and Tybalt the Hater.

So, who is like Romeo, proving they’re immature, selfish, whiney, and mostly just eye-catching? Well, the top contender would be Jef. Out of them all, Emily had an inexplicable love-at-first-sight moment with Mondo Gecko. Hell, she even straight up theorized a future where she moves to Salt Lake with Ricky to be with him. Plus, like the effeminate Romeo and purple-scarf wearing Chris Harrison, Jef knew a thing or two about designer luggage. Clearly, the inherent shallowness of Romeo can be found in Waterboy, Jef.

Other potential Romeo’s include Arie, Sean and Chris. Each of these guys seem genuinely invested in finding romance, but to a fault. Each of them has sacrifice their own sense of truth for the sake of winning Emily’s affection. Chris lied about liking country music. Sean lied about wanting 6-10 kids. And Arie lied about not enjoying wearing women’s clothing. No matter how you slice it, these guys are willing to bend over backward for the idea of love and not so much specifically loving and being loved by Emily Maynard. None of them are bad guys, but, like Romeo, they are all boring, hopeless and desperate. Is a Romeo really what Emily is after?

It would seem Emily is looking for a guy more to the likeness of Mercutio: The heart of the play and the only character that unselfishly puts his own ass on the line for another. Mercutio is killed standing up for Romeo, who is so blinded by love that he is unwilling or incapable of pursuing his happiness in a reasonable manner. Mercutio has Romeo’s back in a way that Romeo never has Juliet’s. As evidenced by episode five’s #baggagegate , Emily is looking for a protector more than a lover. She wants a guy that will go to bat for her; Romeo is never going to do that. A Romeo runs away, while a Mercutio always stays.

Amongst the cast of suitors, a true Mercutio can’t be claimed, but there are two guys that hedge more toward the protector role than others. The first is Doug simply because he had the balls to tell Emily about Kalon’s abusive language. Doug being a father also places him a viable Mercutio as his adoration and protectiveness when discussing his kid appears genuine. Then there is the Eggman. Not only did he get the honor of playing Mercutio in their group date, but his initial sentiment when bringing the egg on the premiere is in line with the sort of companion Emily needs. While creepy, not hunky enough, and like Mercutio, destined to be slain, Travis the Eggman has heart and would do Emily better than the majority of the dudes. It’s too bad he is all Humpty-Dumpty shaped himself.

Then there are the villains, the Tybalt’s of the piece: Kalon, Ryan, and John. The Tybalt’s kill their biggest threats, the Mercutio’s, but end up defeated by the Romeo’s in the end. First up, Kalon’s butt-chin is enough to deem him a King of Cats prat right off the bat. Between #baggagegate , being a luxury brand consultant, and his verbally bitch-smacking Emily every chance he gets, it just isn’t possible to sympathize with this guy. Granted, he makes for some great TV and his shooing Emily away was the highlight of the episode, but Tybalt’s are just bitter, resentful figures incapable of truly loving. Chances are Kalon resents his own mother for not being able to keep his Dad in the picture and he is taking it out on Em. Then we have Ryan, who is evil incarnate. What makes Ryan so dangerous is his charm. Emily knows he is a fishy creature, but since he is so disarming with sappy letters and redundant soliloquys that she can’t justify sticking him with the pointy end yet. Finally, John earns a spot in the Tybalt camp because he non-verbally admitted to being a cheater a few episodes back to Emily’s friends. Also, with the nickname Wolf we know it is just a matter of time before he bares his teeth.

Okay, enough with the compare and contrast and let’s get to the meat of the episode:

Sean is taken on a one-on-one in the city of erotic water-sculptures and overly-phallic skyscrapers. He tries to pull a Dicaprio move on the double-decker bus by standing, sprawling his arms out and screaming “Hello London!” Emily’s eye roll was priceless. Then he wowed us further with a robotic oration on the meaning of love that involved considerable Al Goresque mechanized gesturing. Later they are trapped together in the cell tower that saw the last hours of some of Henry VIII’s rejects. Then Emily infected Sean with whatever disease she was rocking this episode with some boring, passionless kisses.

Performance group dates are delightfully embarrassing. Who doesn’t laugh when the word thespian is used? I wish Face-plant had still been around to make a mug of himself. Travis was delightfully hammy. Ryan’s stolen kiss was actually sort of amusing, but from the guys’ perspective, he is just painting himself a Super-Douche. And then, the glorious moment when Kalon gets threatened by Ryan and Emily’s dynamic and tells her, “You can run along now.” Thank you, sir, can I have another.

For the first time this season, I enjoyed a Ricky/Emily moment. Apparently, “The King and the Dragon” live in Buckingham palace. I am pretty sure that was the title of a Game of Thrones episode, but the best part was that it took Emily a minute to realize Ricky was mistaken.

Then we follow Emily on her two-on-one with Jef and Jean. Jean was quite the treat, but were Sasha Baron Cohen involved, we would have gotten a lot more out of the old bird. Imagine where Borat would have told her to place the napkin during a bathroom break. “Oh, dear!” It was hard not to feel for Jean when they bailed on her tea-time. She looked absolutely devastated and probably ended up gorging on crumpets and whey to dull the pain.

Finally, Kalon is appropriately sent packing for discussing the weighty properties of little Ricky. Emily is devastated, not so much by Kalon, but the lack of support from her other love bugs. Arie is ripped a new one by Emily for his apathy and left their conversation looking like he had just sliced off his own wang. It was obvious the other guys couldn’t have been happier that Arie was the primary collateral damage via #baggagegate. He was further tortured when given the final rose of the night.

In the end, Alejandro is sent back to his mushroom farm to trip balls and convince himself another earring is a good idea.

If love be rough with you, be rough with love.

Parasocial Dude

Follow Parasocial Dude on twitter, @ParasocialDude and check out the site for his upcoming series

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