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Guest Post: Why Ryan is Less Than Perfect for Bachelorette Emily

A Bachelorette Guest Post from Parasocial Dude

Were Rogue and Gambit the original Emily and Ryan?

Were Rogue and Gambit the original Emily and Ryan?

For those of you who didn’t wake up every Saturday morning in the nineties to the animated Southern romance that was the X-men’s Rogue and Gambit, lemme clue you in: Gambit’s power was to charge things and Rogue’s power was to drain things. They truly seemed the perfect match, as Ryan and Emily might seem at first glance. Indeed, after watching the final interaction of the Bachelorette, Emily Maynard, and her suitor, Ryan, during their dinner, where Emily is all “get on it” and he was all “ooo boy,” I was immediately transported back to the dynamic of the 90’s Marvel animated mutie-love.

That being said, Ryan isn’t half as bad-ass as Gambit; His lack of humor is the key problem. Emily attempted a fairly amusing joke when claiming they were destined for Chuck-E-Cheez following Ricky’s Soccer game, but it was entirely lost on Ryan. Gambit would have been wise to such an absurd posit. Plus, Gambit doesn’t have such an acne-scarred-ridden forehead; the perks of being animated. Just as Gambit as Rogue were ultimately doomed, so too are Ryan and Emily’s affair: As much as Gambit can energize her via his looks, Emily/Rogue’s ability to suck is just too much for the gym teacher. He could never keep up, as evidenced in the most emasculating date I have seen on the show yet: aprons, toll-house cookies, and letting Emily drive, set the tone for this relationship. Ryan is simply not ready to forfeit his powers to Emily, which is why she left him in the car and didn’t introduce him to Ricky.

Yes, Emily still looks hot in “momware,” but anyone saying she didn’t look way more babely in that lacey magenta number doesn’t have eyes. I wanted to smack Ryan when he called her “the lady in red”.  Did none of these guys have a 48 pack of crayolas growing up? That was magenta, fool.

Interestingly, the group date had a twinge of Celeb Apprentice in it with the charity bit. Over 20 grand earned for the local hospital: Trump would scoff at such a pittance.

Hot diggity! So, my deeming Harrison a Muppet last week rang truer than I could have ever imagined in this second episode. Gotta admit, it was a rare moment in Bachelorette history I shan’t soon forget, when he literally played the part of a felt-tool with a hand up his butt spewing lines he could have never conceived himself. Sometimes loving something doesn’t have to involve romance.

Not so strangely, Kalon embraced a date that involved going on stage. He joyously recounted a previous experience having played Pinocchio.  Ladies and Germs, we have our season’s big liar and there is a good chance his nose grows for guy and gal alike.

Then, Charlie, aka “Face-plant”, acknowledged not being the best of orators to Emily due to his affliction, winning him points, shifting his responsibility and ultimately landing him a starring role in the Miss Piggy Live show. While his answers were stock, I give him credit for being able to formulate an acceptable response to Janelle, I mean Miss Piggy.

AND more than anyone else, Tony was way, way too into the Muppet show. Okay, he mentions having a son of his own and that it had a lot to do with his infatuation with the puppet-action, but still. It came off more like HE was into the faux-interaction than imagining what pleasure his son would have gotten out of it. Tony, the lumber guy, is coming off like a young Michael Scott a la Dunder Mifflin. The way he stood there for 20 minutes watching Emily read through Ryan’s love letter was proof that he is this season’s oblivious twit. But, honestly, I like that he is so ridic. I feel for him.

Alright, alright: I don’t want to spend too much time on her second date, and dumpee, Joe, because when canned he said, “Thanks for the great opportunity”: What a fame-whore. Did you see her body language in that old timey car? She was plastered to the corner of the back seat like he was a stricken with the flesh-eating craziness plaguing the south at the moment. Obvi, he was in it for the wrong reasons and I applaud Emily for figuring that out. I do take issue with the location of their date though. Apparently, Emily has been going to this “resort” since a kid, shaping her to be a privileged brat that I have trouble caring about. Granted, a resort in West Virginia is probably comparable to a two star hotel in LA, so… I will cut her some slack. And for the record, I thought Joe looked more like a poor-man’s Bradley Cooper than Mathew Mcconaughey.

Finally, I wanted to mention the inexplicable remaining of Stevie the Troll. Stevie hates Kalon, which makes me love him, but honestly…the poor dude, he is a being framed a joker and what’s extra-tragic about it is that he seems to realize it and persists. When dancing with Em, and a handful of the other guys gawk at the silliness, Kalon sits alone. It is sad for both of them, but in the end, we know Kaylon gets to ride off in his chopper, even if it’s alone. Sadly, Stevie will go back to DJing with those ears and incurable bitterness. Selfishly, I want Stevie to stay, but I am starting to hope he goes just so he doesn’t end up slitting his wrists long-ways.

At show end, the Bio teacher isn’t given the rose, along with some other dude I didn’t remember at all. Classic Bachelorette.

I love one-sided relationships, don’t you?


Follow Parasocial Dude on twitter, @ParasocialDude and check out the site for his upcoming series

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