Bachelor in Paradise

“Bachelor in Paradise” Running Diary Week 2 – Fat Damon, Elise loses her mind and a word on Robin Williams


Hello everybody! Welcome to the “Bachelor in Paradise” running diary. In case you missed out on last week’s running diary, you can get caught up with this link.

Before we get to this week’s episode, I’d be remiss if I didn’t say a quick word about the passing of Robin Williams. As of this writing, it hasn’t been confirmed exactly how he passed but his death is sad all the same.

As I was following the reaction on Twitter Monday afternoon, I was somewhat surprised (but shouldn’t have been) at the reaction to his passing. I don’t follow a lot of people on Twitter (less than 200) but the people who were affected by his loss ran the gamut – a wide range of ages, ethnicities and cultural backgrounds. That’s a testament to Mr. Williams’ cultural impact. He was universally loved.

Like everyone else, I felt a connection to Robin Williams. I grew up watching his comedy specials, with his “Live at the Met” something I had to sneak to watch as a kid because of the language and content. When in elementary school my family loved watching “Mork and Mindy” together. I was inspired by the teacher he played in “Dead Poets Society,” took a date in college to see “Aladdin” and have watched “Mrs. Doubtfire” (who reminded me of my British grandmother) with my kids countless times.

It may seem strange to feel sad when a celebrity dies but to quote fellow TV critic Louis Peitzman, “I believe movies and TV matter. When someone who brought so much joy into your life dies, it’s normal to grieve even if you didn’t know him.” So feel free to feel crummy about this. I know I do. Seeing one of your childhood heroes passing is a humbling thing.

That said, feeling down is probably not something Robin Williams would want you to do. As someone who battled depression, I’m sure he’d want you to A) realize there is help if you are struggling with depression yourself and seek it out and B) remember him for what he was best at – being a brilliant comedian.

In that vein, I end the Robin Williams portion of this post with a link to a portion of the Robin Williams comedy special, “Live at the Met.” I think he’d like to be remembered that way.

I realize there’s no clear way to segue from the above paragraphs to a TV program so I’m not even going to try. But let’s take a break from the sadness and move on to something truly funny and stupid (mostly stupid) – a reality show where attractive people with low I.Q’s and high libidos embarrass themselves on national television.

7:02 – ABC starts the show with an overly long intro, most of it stuff we’ve already seen before but now random pieces are starting to make sense. We see Elise trying to explain to Dylan why she was making out with Chris Bukowski. Clearly she’s the one who said in the series preview, “I was kissing him but I was thinking of you.” I’m sure he’s not dumb enough to buy that line (please be that dumb, please be that dumb).

We also see 50-year Old Michelle Money crying because someone has a girlfriend. Since she just connected with On Point Marquel that makes no sense, but after seeing last week’s episode we know she’s “connected” to Graham in some weird way. He’d be the only one to elicit that kind of response from Michelle.

And that’s the soap opera-esque breakdown of the “Bachelor in Paradise” opening. All we need is a murder and this show will be the next “Days of Our Lives.”

7:04 – We’re getting into Michelle K’s (the K stands for “Krazy”) odd exit from last week right off the bat. Being the hard-hitting, Wiffle bat-wielding journalist that he is, Harrison quickly learned that Michelle K fell for a crewmember named Ryan. What did Ryan do to win her heart? He brought her, “dental floss and hand-picked flowers.” All this time I’ve been forgetting the dental floss! No wonder all those girls in college rejected me!

7:05 – 7:08 – The story keeps getting better. Some quick details:

–          Harrison says Ryan’s last name is “Putz.” Not sure if he’s making fun of him or not.

–          Harrison said Ryan went to see Michelle K after she left the show. They were in her room together when someone knocked at the door. Ryan panicked and went out on a balcony. Harrison says it’s about 20 ft high but judging from what I saw on TV I’d say it was closer to 12-15 ft.

–          There was a reenactment of the entire scene. A reenactment! Like it’s the Battle of Gettysburg! It even had the word REENACTMENT in bold, red letters onscreen!

–          In the reenactment a mannequin is substituted for Ryan, dropped from the balcony and dubbed with sobbing sounds after it landed. It feels like I’m watching a high school AV club production.

–          We meet Ryan Putz (actual name) and he broke both of his legs. You just can’t make this stuff up. Unless you’re in a high school AV club. The lesson here fellas is, no coitus is worth getting both of your legs broken. Hide in a closet instead. AND, it’s not flowers and chocolates; it’s flowers and dental floss.

7:11 – We’re back to our regularly scheduled stupid, attractive people who are still on the show. Clare, doing her best 8th grade girl impersonation, is lying in bed with Lacy and saying deep things like, “In paradise you want butterflies and sparkles. You gotta lock that in girl.” Two things:

1 – Clare’s age is listed at 33. Hahahaha!

2 – Do you really have to be in paradise to get butterflies and sparkles? Shouldn’t I be able to request that I get those everywhere? Is there ever a bad place to want butterflies and sparkles? And also, are they two separate things? What if I want my butterflies to be wearing sparkles? Is that what Clare meant? Because I’m pretty sure she could go to Hobby Lobby and make those. Maybe that’s what she does in her spare time.

3 – I think we can all agree that AshLee is a Stage Five Clinger who gets her ideas about love from Kate Hudson movies. But Clare has to be close second.

7:13 – Uh, oh. Here comes Chris Bukowski and he has a date card. Marcus doesn’t seem too pleased about that, mentioning how he tried to get on Andi’s season even though everyone knows that was fake. Speaking of Marcus, he’s playing the Sensitive Guy card a little too hard. I keep waiting for him to start writing poetry or something. I’m calling my bookie and putting $20 down on him crying, writing poetry or creating a photo album of his and Lacy’s best moments by the end of this episode.

7:16 – Chris B asks Clare on a date. Her ego couldn’t have been given a bigger boost. I really hope this leads to her saying something stupid. Knowing Clare and her limited vocabulary (What’s a vista?), this is almost guaranteed.

7:22 – Graham just described the relationship between Robert, Lacy and Marcus as a love triangle. Last I checked a triangle had three sides.

7:23 – And just as Robert says he’s hoping a date card shows up, one magically appears at his feet. Come on ABC producers! At least make a magic wand sound, or have the date card delivered by a waiter in a dinner tray or have it fall from the sky like a reward for tributes in “The Hunger Games.” You can’t really expect us to believe that people are talking about a date card and it spontaneously appears.

7:24 – Looks like ABC producers are rubbing salt in Robert’s wound as Marcus gets the date card. I guess that is what Robert gets for sitting around and moping.

7:26 – And Clare just said she’d probably give Chris B a rose. Tough girl to win over that Clare.

7:28 – Foreshadowing time. We’re given a short monologue with highlights of the Dylan/Elise relationship. It comes complete with romantic music and a camera so foggy it looks like Vaseline was spread over the lens. It also came with Elise gems like:

“He and I are connecting on so many levels. Every level.”

“I’m falling in love with Dylan.”

“I’ve never felt like this. I want this to last beyond the fairly tale and we’re on that path.”

7:29 – Uh oh. Little does Elise know that Dylan is feeling smothered. He just said he would be okay with her dating other people. He even told her he wouldn’t be upset about it if she did. Dylan’s logic Jedi mind tricks Elise – how do we know if what we have is real or just convenient? That’s why we should date other people. Elise’s response, “I know he knows we have a connection but he’s just scared.” Elise clearly doesn’t speak Guy. Allow me to translate.

Dylan – It was fun coitusing you but now you’re getting kinda clingy and I want to coitus some other people because I’m really just here for the sun, the free booze and to have a good time.

Elise – We have a connection.

Dylan – If by connection you mean coitus, then yeah. But I need to “connect” with other people and you should too.

Elise – I will coitus other people and that way you’ll see that you want me.

Dylan – Okay, sure. Let’s see if that works.

Okay, so maybe Dylan was the one who got Jedi mind tricked.

7:33 – Time for Lacy and Marcus to go on their dinner date. I’m expecting lots of interesting dinner conversation about fascinating topics like world events, politics and philosophy. I’m just kidding. What I’m really expecting is the overuse of the word “amazing.”

7:34 – Lacy just said she was a bit concerned about Marcus because he just got out of a relationship with Andi. Lacy has clearly never been in a real relationship before and doesn’t understand how they work.

7:36 – The rest of the group are back at the hacienda getting drunk. I’m starting to see why Chris has a bad rep. He’s “vibing” hard with Elise. I think Chris is one of those guys who turns into a different cat when he’s chugged a few because now he’s telling Elise that if she gets a date card she should take him and it would be a blast. Where’s Clare to go ape on his ass?

And when did “vibing” become a thing? Is this really a new phrase? Is there any way to avoid this?

7:38 – Elise and Chris are making out in the ocean. Finally something interesting is happening. I was about to fall asleep.

7:47 – Elise is having a heart-to-heart with House Mom Michelle Money. Elise is crying. I’m not sure if someone who had an affair with an NBA player is the person you want to be getting relationship advice from Elise.

7:48 – Elise is now sitting down with Dylan. Get ready for the water works.

7:49 – And there it is! Says Elise, “Yes a kiss was involved but I was thinking about you the whole time.” Dylan is right when he says that didn’t make any sense but dude, you TOLD her to go hang with other people. You can’t say, what I meant was “hang out” not “make out” when you made it clear she was free to unsmother you. I feel no pity for Dylan, although in a weird way I can understand his reaction because Elise played the game wrong.

If you want to make a guy jealous, you flirt with someone else. You don’t suck face and hump in the ocean. Also, you do it when the guy you like is around. If Dylan were not sleeping when Elise was frolicking in the ocean with Chris, Dylan would have seen what she was doing and either A) stopped her or B) ignored her. If Dylan would have done A he would have gotten the message and if he’d have done B, Elise would have realized they were done. The way Elise did things, there was nothing to signify where the boundaries were and she unknowingly crossed them.

7:50 – Says Elise after Dylan says her actions were proof things weren’t going to work out between them, “You’re killing me right now. You’re literally killing me.” Someone get Elise a dictionary! Stat!

7:51 – After their chat we see that Elise is in denial. Dylan specifically tells her not to give him a rose but afterward she said, “I think he’s hurt. We’re both hurt but I want to work through it with him. This is nothing. This is just a little bump. Now he knows he cares about me and I care about him.” I don’t think she was listening to the same conversation the rest of us were.

7:56 – And Zack (Desi’s season) has just shown up. He asks Clare on a date. She must give off an “I’m available” vibe because this is the third date she’s taken in two weeks.

7:59 – Clare now has her legs wrapped around Zack in the ocean. Next to the word “desperate” in the dictionary is a picture of Clare.

8:01 – Back at the hacienda we see Dylan starting to come to grips with ending his relationship with Elise and Elise continue to not realize it’s over. Meanwhile Chris B gives us the quote of the night, “Dylan looks like a bloated, tanner version of Matt Damon from “Goodwill Hunting.” I have a new nickname for Dylan – Fat Damon.” That’s pretty damn good.

8:03 – Dylan gets a date card. Elise is prepping like she’s going to get invited. She keeps repeating the phrase, “Because of this we both know that we care of each other.” I guess if you refuse to believe something isn’t true, it’s real. Like Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny.

8:08 – Dylan asks Plan B Sarah if she wants to go on a date. She’s good friends with Sarah so she goes and talks to Elise about it. Elise, again talking herself into this being good for their relationship, tells Sarah to go on the date. What is with this woman?!? Does she have PTSD?!?

8:17 – Sarah and Dylan are on their date. Their conversation about Pope Benedict was both riveting and surprisingly complex.

8:27 – Uh oh. Marcus “accidentally” spills water and finds a love note from a woman in Ben’s bag. Marcus and Marquel pull Ben aside and talk to him about it. Ben confesses, says it’s his and the note is from a woman he met three weeks ago and that things are serious but complicated.

8:30 – The word has spread and now Ben is talking to the entire group. For some weird reason House Mom Michelle Money starts crying, reminding us that she left behind her 9-year old daughter because she came on the show to find “something amazing.” Ben reminds Money that he’s a dad too. Maybe the “something amazing” the two of them should find is some parenting skills and get their Asses home.

8:33 – And Michelle Money just threw out two classic Bach clichés in the same rant – “slap in the face” and “right reasons” (twice). As Ben leaves he says he’s, “done with TV.” We didn’t get to hear the Ben sob that was in the season preview, which is a big disappointment.

8:41 – Final cocktail party before the rose ceremony. Couples are breaking off to talk. Marquel, who’s starting to look like Denver Broncos linebacker Von Miller, (it’s the glasses) is talking to Money and tells her that he’s concerned about her drinking. I like that he’s calling her out on something that bothers him but the dude came on the wrong show to get on someone for that.

8:43 – Just after Marquel insults House Mom Money, here comes Robert to pour honey in her ear. He thinks she’s interesting and wants to get to know her. The dagger for Marquel is when Money asks Robert, “Do you think I drink a lot or more than other people?” See ya, Marquel!

8:46 – Oh! Dylan is chatting with Elise and he just placed her in the Friend Zone with “You’re a great friend of mine; I think you should take full advantage of the situation happening right now because Chris really likes you.” I still don’t think Elise got the message because she says later in a one-on-one that, “He’s sending mixed signals.” This despite the fact that he clearly says that he won’t accept a rose from her if she offers it. Did Elise play in the NFL? Because she’s acting like she has a concussion.

8:52 – Final rose ceremony time. I think Robert is going home. Unless Elise is as dim as she’s been edited and STILL gives a rose to Dylan.

8:54 – Marquel gets a rose from Money. Not looking good for Robert.

8:55 – Unreal. Elise just offered her rose to Dylan. He rejects it! But wait, there’s more! Elise gives a nonsensical speech to the bachs/bachelorettes (with circus music courtesy of ABC producers) and then offers the rose to Chris, who clearly has nothing better to do because he accepts it. One rose left.

8:58 – Whoa! Sarah gives the last rose to Robert! Dylan is sent home! Didn’t see that coming!

Final thoughts – Michelle Money losing it emotionally about Ben made no sense. She never showed any interest in him, so why the water works when you find out he has a girlfriend?…I thought we’d see more of Chris Harrison on this show, but instead we see less of him than on a season of “The Bachelor.” I think this series is a clever ruse for him to spend 7 weeks working on his tan…The dates are SO boring. The conversations suck; they aren’t “Bachelor-esque” and they’re just flat out uninteresting. They need work…After a promising start, a very rough second episode. Hopefully things pick up.

See you all next week!

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