The Celebrity Apprentice

Guest Post: Why Adam Carolla Will Win the Celebrity Apprentice

The following is a guest post from @JordanKalish

I watch The Celebrity Apprentice for one reason, and one reason only: pure entertainment. I want to see conflict. I want to see craziness. Most of all, I want to laugh. This isn’t Survivor, a show I watch mainly for the intricate strategy and game play involved. Of course in Survivor you get your conflict and humor but I would sacrifice a lot of that for blindsides and big moves. Therefore, when I write these Celebrity Apprentice blogs, I’m not going to go into things like how many sandwiches were sold or how much money Paul Teutul Sr. was able to raise from one donor. With that said, these are my thoughts on episode 1.

Adam Carolla: Episode 1 MVP

As humor is my most important criteria for a good Celebrity Apprentice episode, I couldn’t have been happier that comedians Adam Carolla and Lisa Lampanelli were cast for this season. As viewers, we’re going to count on them each week to crack jokes and hopefully make their teammates uncomfortable. Adam Carolla definitely lived up to his reputation in this episode. As a white guy who owns a regular Kindle, not even a Kindle Fire, I was extremely disappointed to find out about his “white kids without iPads” charity wasn’t real. However, this joke set the tone for the rest of his appearances in this episode. Just a few minutes later when the men were in the suite coming up with their team name, he ingeniously punked Paul Sr. into taking the project manager job.

In what seemed like an innocent comment, Adam said that Paul would only be good at specific tasks. Obviously offended, Paul volunteered to be project manager, saving Adam and the other men from taking on the dubious responsibility, which was definitely Adam’s objective. Not only is he funny, but he’s able to get under other people’s skin, and apparently questioning Paul Sr.’s business ability has the same effect as calling Marty McFly a “chicken”.

In the Boardroom, Carolla pointed out that Paul Sr. started the show by calling out three minority groups (gay, Asian, and black) when he said that George Takei and Arsenio Hall were his two weakest team members. I’m sure everyone was thinking this, I know I was, but only Adam had the balls to say it. What really got me cracking up was towards the end of the episode when the women were in the boardroom and the men were spying on them from the suite, much like the Cesternino’s spy on their neighbor. Twice, Adam displayed his straight-faced humor, first when he made fun of The Donald for saying that he loves Diddy and then when he said that Tia Carrere is in for a surprise because she was sitting on the chair he claimed to have pissed on. His excellent delivery and timing would be enough to get me to listen to his podcast if I were the kind of guy with enough time to listen to two podcasts.

Unfortunately, Lisa Lampanelli didn’t really bring it this episode. She had a few decent one-liners, but nothing that compared to her hilarious performance at the Donald Trump roast. She had some negative things to say about her fellow women celebrities in her confessionals, so hopefully she will be a source of conflict as the show goes on.

Everyone Else

As for the rest of the cast, George Takei, known for his role in Star Trek and perhaps even better known for calling homophobic school board members ‘douchebags’, had a pretty good episode. Apparently, his “loins are girded” and he seems to have taken a liking to Lou Ferrigno’s bare chest. George says that he would take his shirt off all the time if he was in that shape but that’s probably when I would stop watching this show. We also find out that The Hulk has been 75% deaf since birth but unfortunately Jack the interpreter wasn’t available this season. Therefore, he may have some communication issues, which the other guys shouldn’t take as him being rude unless he gives them the finger.

Dee Snider, Penn Jillette, and Clay Aiken all seem like really smart guys who will be useful in the tasks but as I said before, that’s not why I watch this show. We really need someone like Gary Busey who could stir things up on Unanimous (Uneducated Nitwits Are Never In My Old Uncle’s Socks). I touched on Paul Sr. before but when Ivanka Trump asked him what kind of sandwiches they’re making, his answer was a Stacy Powell-like “BLAM!” I don’t know if the two are related but this is something worth investigating. I also believe that he and Rancher Rick get their mustaches trimmed by the same lawnmower. As for Arsenio, he had some alright jokes, but he was basically just feeding off Adam the whole time.

The women got off to a really good start when they were trying to come up with a name for their team. Debbie Gibson felt a feline energy within the group and wanted to call them ‘Prowess’. I believe she meant to say “prowl” as the word prowess has nothing to do with cats. Real Housewife, Teresa Giudice, wanted to go with ‘Vincitori’ which means winners in Italian. The rest of the women shut it down because they didn’t want an Italian name. Ultimately, they decided on Forte which, last time I checked, is Italian for strong. These women were making Survivor: One Worlds’ Kat Edorsson look like Yul Kwon.

Despite the promising start, the women really seemed to come together during the task… which was very concerning to me. Where was NeNe Leakes calling people Casper? Where was Star Jones being an all-around bitch? While Victoria Gotti caused some drama with her “torn cornea or retina” which was causing her eyes to tear (more likely just a mild case of cry-babyitis), and her personal phone calls overheard by Lisa, there wasn’t much cattiness or drama. As for those phone calls, even I know from watching gangster movies that talking about family business in public is looked down upon, just ask Fredo Corleone. It was very funny however that Victoria justified her being late to the task by saying that she dreamt the women had won. She joined Ozzy and Shambo as people on reality TV who make decisions based on their dreams. I wouldn’t exactly call that elite company.

At this point, the women might as well call themselves “The Glaciers”. Project Manager Patricia seems intelligent and really cares about her charity, Latino kids without Nooks, but again, that’s not what I look for on this show. Dayana Mendoza is extremely attractive, but it’s the same deal for her. I see her as a slightly more vocal Hope Dworaczyk. My biggest hope on this team is ironically the only non-celebrity, Aubrey O’Day. I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up being the most entertaining member of Forte, but I bet her many Twitter followers have already told you that. If she and Victoria can avoid being fired early, I believe they have the potential to become all-time great Celebrity Apprentice contestants.

The Trump Factor

In the boardroom, Donald Trump made a comment that he’s the biggest star in the room. This couldn’t be more true. We cannot make the mistake of forgetting that he is the straw that stirs the drink on his show. From his constant reminders to anyone who will listen that he isn’t gay to his superlative way of speaking, “The Donald” is the most entertaining person on the Celebrity Apprentice and in this episode, he didn’t disappoint. I loved how he got on Tia Carrere for saying that she wouldn’t mind being brought back to the boardroom if the women lost. After Forte was actually revealed to be the losing team, he basically called her an idiot and gave her such a dirty look that I thought he might fire her on the spot. The woman he actually fired was Cheryl Tiegs. This was a great decision. He easily could have gotten rid of Victoria who wasn’t as much of a team player, but Cheryl brought nothing to the show and didn’t really seem like she wanted to be there. Besides global warming, nothing gets rid of a glacier faster than Donald Trump.

The Celebrity Apprentice wouldn’t be complete without The Donald’s goofy sidekick, his son, Donald Trump Jr. Known as “Donnie Douche” to the RHAP community, this was one of his douchiest episodes ever. My favorite Donnie Douche moment of this episode was when a photographer on the red carpet outside Forte’s restaurant asked him who he’s wearing, and he gave a Rudy-esque “I don’t know”. He was in top form in the boardroom as well, asking Lou “which way to the beach” after his father asked about the gun show, and saying that Aubrey will end up in a landfill somewhere in Jersey if she spoke against Victoria. Each of his comments was capped off with his goofy smile and childlike giggle, which make him the Donnie Douche we all love to watch.

This wasn’t a very big episode for Ivanka, who seems to usually be the voice of reason within the Trump family. We did learn however that she was somewhat of a Cheryl Tiegs stalker as a child and posted pictures of the supermodel all over her room. Kinda creepy.

Behind the scenes

– Donald Trump apparently wasn’t pleased with the orchestra at Lincoln Center. The maestro became the first person fired this season.

– After Wyclef Jean was overcharged for his sandwich, he told a story about an uncomfortable experience he had at one of his concerts in which a white woman squeezed his ass.

Things to consider for episode 2

– Which celebrities will stop talking trash during confessionals and actually insult people to their faces? My money is on Victoria.

– Which Andretti will show up?

Thanks for reading. Please comment below with any questions or criticisms. I rarely ever check twitter but if you want, you can tweet me @JordanKalish.  That being said, the best way to reach me would be on Facebook. There are 3 or 4 people named Jordan Kalish on Facebook, but I’m the only one who comments on the Rob Has A Podcast page. I look forward to hearing from you.

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