Another week, another episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure – “The Bachelorette.”
Before we get to this week’s episode I wanted to point out a few “important” things. I’ve been calling Desi “Cute Katie Holmes.” I need to change that. While watching the show “Fashion Police” with my wife (don’t judge me, Joan Rivers is funny) I saw a picture of Emmy Rossum on a red carpet. I swear Emmy and Desi were separated at birth, they look like sisters.
Cute Katie Holmes is out, Desi Rossum is in. It even has a nice ring to it. On a related note, someone on Twitter mentioned to me that she thought Robert (who I said looked like Ryan Gosling) reminded her of Gale from “The Hunger Games” (Liam Hemsworth). I stand corrected. I never knew there was a third Hemsworth brother. You know, the one NOT into acting who has a successful career running a business where people stand on corners waving signs and appear on reality shows. That kind of brother. We all have one.
Okay, enough jibber jabber. Lets get to this week’s episode. As usual, be sure to check out the flavor filling links.
7:01 – We’re given a preview for tonight’s episode. Lots of fancy cars, beaches and Desi and some dude running hand in hand through an orchard. On a related note, has there ever been a show more perfectly suited to a drinking game? For example, take a shot if:
- Somebody says “my heart”
- Anyone says “right reasons”
- Chris Harrison says something you’ve heard 1,279 times before such as “The most dramatic (insert cliché here) ever” or “America’s sweetheart.”
- One bachelor jumps in and interrupts another bachelor who is talking with Desi and the other bachelor gets ticked off about it.
- Desi mentions things like feeling she’s a “princess” in a “fairy tale” and can’t wait to meet her “Prince Charming.”
Follow those examples and you’ll be passed out in 30 minutes.
7:03 – Desi (Who is drawing a picture of wedding dress. Did you catch that Vera Wang!?!) says she feels like a princess. Drink!
7:08 – Bad Hair Brooks get the first date of the evening, a one-on-one with Desi. Their first stop is to a bridal shop where Desi tries on wedding dresses. If this were any normal guy’s first date, Brooks would have lit his hair on fire and ran out the building. This is the weirdest first date. In Bachelorette. History.
7:12 – Desi just said “fairy tale” while sitting on the Hollywood sign during her date with Brooks. Drink!
7:19 – Time for the evening portion of the Desi/Brooks date. They’re having dinner on an LA bridge that has been used in a bunch of movies. I gotta say, it sure seems like there’s a lot of role reversal on this date. Desi seems to be playing the guy and Brooks the girl. I keep waiting for Brooks to play coy with Desi when she makes a move on him and gets physically aggressive.
7:25 – Brooks gets a rose. And oh, what’s that? There’s some one hit wonder singer with his band on the bridge playing some music that needs dancing to. After a great date, Brooks is smitten. I think he’s ready to put out.
7:28 – The Desi/Brooks date mercifully concludes. It was so sweet I now have a cavity. I don’t see him winning. He’s too nice, not quite handsome enough and very sensitive. That’s not usually a winning combination on this show. He’ll be the first guy to cry this season. If he didn’t already when Desi was holding him in her arms as they were dancing.
7:31 – Group date time. Fourteen men and Desi. What happened? Is this date happening in Alaska? That’s the only place the guy/girl ratio is so lopsided.
7:32 – Mikey T. just said “right reasons.” Drink!
7:33 – Desi just told the guys that they’re going to be starring in a rap video. They whoop and holler like they just won Power Ball. I’ve never seen so many white guys get so excited about rap. I’m guessing they think they’ll get to meet someone cool like Jay-Z or Snoop Dog/Lion.
7:34 – And Desi introduces Soulja Boy. I guess Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer and Sir Mix-A-Lot were booked.
7:35 – Oh no, Desi just said the title of the rap is called “Right Reasons” followed by three different guys saying “right reasons.” If you’re not puking right now you will be in 10 minutes.
7:35 – I paused my DVR as Soulja Boy was talking to the bachelors. I counted no less than six deep v-neck tees. Someone needs to explain this fad to me.
7:36 – Random thoughts on this date – 1) The name Soulja Boy is very misleading. He’s not a boy and I seriously doubt he was ever a soldier. 2) The only job in the world easier than Chris Harrison’s is being a rap video director. Here’s all you need – some scantily clad ladies, some fancy cars, and some rappers singing straight to the camera with their buddies dancing right next to them. And if you have the budget, some dancers. Done and done.
7:37 – I thought the bridal gown section of tonight’s episode was awkward but this rap date was much worse. I felt like the people on this elevator, times 10.
7:46 – Time for the evening portion of the group date. Zak W. (who I didn’t recognize since he was wearing a shirt this week) gives Desi an antique, unused notebook with an inscription in it. Desi is touched by the gesture, but if Zak was smart he would have picked it up at Wal-Mart, had his mom write the inscription and saved himself some money.
7:50 – Ben steals Desi away from Mikey T. This is followed by a number of “right reasons” from James. I’m going to ahead and end the drinking game portion of tonight’s running diary. I don’t want anyone to get alcohol poisoning.
7:57 – Mikey T. decides to confront Ben about swooping in and stealing Desi away from him. Mike is looking to see if Ben is a “genuine” guy. Ben plays Mikey like a fiddle. I guess we know who this season’s villain is.
8:00 – Brandon (who I’ve previously mentioned reminds me of Guard and Protect Your Heart Kasey) is beginning to come off like a weirdo. You don’t start a conversation with a woman with “I didn’t go to an Ivy League school and don’t have a billion dollars,” because you come off as desperate. He’ll be going home soon.
8:01 – Ack! Brandon is now over sharing. He’s telling his entire life/sob story to Desi and the dude comes with a lot of baggage. Desi is very sympathetic but when Brandon says to the camera that he is “falling in like” with her, that is cause for concern.
8:04 – And Ben gets the group date rose. Yes! I love it when ABC builds up the villain! Maniacal laugh!
8:17 – Bryden gets a one-on-one date, a road trip with Desi to a California spa. It would seem to me that a long road trip with someone I was attracted to but didn’t know well as a first date would be a challenge. However, it’s easy for Bryden since he doesn’t know ANYTHING. Not a bright guy. He’s never been to California. He never heard of Brie cheese before. Come on! Every guy knows at least 10 cheeses. Like cheddar and Gouda and um, Swiss and…you know, those other cheeses.
8:19 – Bryden tells Desi about a major car accident he was in. He then whips out photos from the accident. How the heck did he have these on hand? Does he carry them in his pocket at all times in case the topic comes up? What’s going on here? I smell the work of an ABC producer.
8:22 – Bryden gets a rose, hops in a hot tub and proceeds to have an awkward conversation with Desi before she tells him to, “just kiss me already.” I think she was just being kind and knew the camera was there. I’m not getting any kind of vibe that she likes him.
8:27 – Cocktail party time. There’s 19 guys left and so many of them haven’t gotten any camera time. My guess is that two non-camera time guys go home along with someone we’ve seen quite a bit of tonight. Brandon perhaps? Maybe Chris who complained earlier that he wasn’t getting any attention?
8:31 – And Ben pulls the douchey move of taking the Bachelorette away from a bachelor (Michael, who was telling Desi about living with Type 1 diabetes.) despite the fact that he already has a rose. Let’s be clear, this is Bachelorette Rule #1. You don’t swoop in and steal the girl when you’re safe. It’s breaks Wheaton’s Law and is just plain wrong.
8:40 – Now Michael is talking to Ben about his behavior. Uh oh, here comes Mikey T. and Drew. This group of dudes has become a sewing circle. This is the only place where you’ll get to see straight guys turning into a bunch of gossipy middle school girls. I can’t believe I’m saying this but now I’m starting to actually root for Ben.
8:44 – Brian (who I don’t even remember from the first episode) has been given a lot of one-on-one time with the camera and finally gets some time with Desi. Can he save his bacon with 16 minutes left? Is that possible? Nah, I think he’s going home.
8:50 – Final rose ceremony time! My money is on Brian and two other deep vee t-shirt wearing bros going home.
8:54 – Damn! Brian got a rose. Gah!
8:55 – Chris Harrison, a descendant of Pythagoras, comes out to tell Desi she has one rose left. Desi is obviously blind and can’t count higher than 20. Thank God for Chris Harrison.
8:58 – Brandon gets the final rose. I’m looking forward to Brandon trying to impress Desi with a really inappropriate tattoo. Will, Robert Hems worth, and Nick M are sent packing.
9:00 – The episode ends with the completed version of the “Right Reasons” video. I suggest you bookmark the video here. If you accidentally swallow poison and are out of ipecac, this video could save your life.
Final thoughts – Ben is a big player. He uses his kid to connect with Desi and he seems to be able to easily manipulate the other guys. Good villain material…I noticed Desi looking at the camera a couple times. This makes me wonder how real this process is for her. Is she playing us?!?…I don’t sense any chemistry on Desi’s part when it comes to Bryden. I think she just thinks he’s a nice guy and wants to do something kind for him…Overall, a C- of a show. There were a lot of awkward moments and only a minor amount of drama. That said I’m looking forward to the action that’s sure to occur between Ben and the other guys.
