Another week, another episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelorette.”
Before we get to this week’s episode I wanted to share with you all what I plan on doing this weekend. I italicized the word “plan” because I’m hoping it comes together but I’m not counting on it. The only reason I bring this up is because it’s Bach related.
I live in Colorado Springs, which is about an hour south of Denver where they’re going to be holding a Bachelor Casting Call at the Earls Hotel from 1-5pm this Saturday. No, I won’t be applying. Once they realize I’m over 40 they wouldn’t be interested. And yes, I did try to persuade my 30-year old brother to apply but he’s having none of it. So I went a different route, the (gasp) honest approach.
As a media columnist I have a number of PR contacts at different TV networks. I’ve been working my ABC contact hard to get an inside look to see how the process works. I’ve made it past ABC and have been handed over to Warner Bros., which is handling casting. I’ll be harassing, er, I mean reaching out to Warners all week. Wish me luck.
Okay, enough jibber jabber, let’s get to this week’s episode. As usual, be sure to check out the flavor filling links.
7:01 – I’m not going to bother giving you details about the preview for tonight’s episode because its become too predictable. Just trust me, it goes something like this – Desi is having a great time, things take a serious turn, viewers are left wondering what’s going to happen. Lather rinse and repeat.
7:04 – Desi is now in Madeira, Portugal. And get this, she invited some girlfriends from Sean’s season to help “give her some advice” which I’m pretty sure is code for talk about dudes. Lesley (who I thought should have been the Bachelorette), Sean’s “fiancée” Catherine (I put quotes around fiancée because I’m sure they’re broken up by now) and Jackie (I guess Tierra was busy) are all poolside.
7:08 – Says the Mrs. as the bachelors jump into the pool within view of the visiting women, “I wouldn’t want those bitches around my men.” Catherine then proceeds to check out the guys with a pair of binoculars. Things that make you go hmmm.
7:13 – The Cliché Meter, which always runs high on this show, is off the charts tonight. So far I’ve heard “Taking it to the next level,” “this week is the biggest week ever,” “where I’m at (in the relationship)” and “this is the most important date of my life.” I’m going to BARF.
7:17 – Oh no. As Desi is driving a Smart Car on her one-on-one date with Brooks, she says she’s “on the road to falling in love with him”. Damn you ABC producers for putting what Desi said and what she was doing earlier together. Damn you and your love of kitsch!
7:19 – And now Desi and Brooks are shouting from the top of a mountain. She’s saying all these lovey dovey things but I just don’t get it. There’s NO chemistry between Desi and Brooks. I think she’s just getting caught up in the setting.
7:36 – It’s Chris’s turn for a one-on-one. Their date starts on a yacht. ABC producers missed an opportunity to play some Duran Duran during this segment.
8:00 – Says Michael during his date with Des, “We have great chemistry and when I kiss her I feel a flood of emotions.” In his pants.
8:02 – Says the Mrs. during Desi’s date with Michael, “She doesn’t have chemistry with any of these guys. They never talk about anything a real couple would talk about like work or what they like to do. They don’t talk about anything real.”
8:07 – I just learned why Michael is grumpy all the time. He has Type 1 diabetes, the dude needs a Snickers bar.
8:19 – Two-on-one date time. Zak and Drew meet Desi at a go cart track. As a dude, there are a lot of fun activities they do on the Bachelorette that I’d like to take part in. Except for pretending to like someone so I could be the next Bachelor. That would be hard (That’s what she said!).
8:26 – Says Drew, “This is the most pivotal date of my life.” This poor guy really needs some perspective.
8:33 – Drew gets the two-on-one date rose. Zak isn’t going home however. Again, I’m not sure WHY Drew got the rose. Desi’s motives make absolutely no sense.
8:40 – While having a one-on-one chat with Chris Harrison (who had to be pulled from a hike on Madeira to make it to the interview) Desi says Drew is, “the best looking guy she’s ever met.” Okay, a couple notes about this. 1) You’ve got to be kidding. Hasn’t she seen Zak’s abs? 2) Did Drew make it this far on looks alone? If so, Desi is very shallow. And 3) I guess former Bachelor Sean feels bad about himself now.
8:43 – Desi just said she’s “hit the finish line” with Brooks. She’s essentially saying she is IN LOVE with Brooks. Now I’m confused. Last week Chris looked like the frontrunner. What the hell is going on out here?!?
8:51 – Final rose ceremony time. One guy is going home. I predict that Michael the Jerk will be sent packing.
8:54 – Desi has passed out two roses (to Chris and Brooks). There’s one rose left. Chris Harrison didn’t come out and tell Desi that she only had one rose to give out! Was he in the bathroom?!? Did he need a nap after the “stressful” interview with Desi he just conducted!?! You have three jobs Harrison! You throw softballs to the Bach/Bachelorette during interviews, you tell contestants how the game works even though they already know and you remind the Bach/Bachelorette how many roses they have left! How hard is that?!? Do your job man!
8:55 – And Zak gets the last rose. I finally get rose ceremony call correct. Michael the Jerk is sent packing.
Final thoughts – I can’t tell Desi’s feelings for any of these guys apart. Her demeanor is the same with all of them. That doesn’t make any sense to me. All relationships are different, but Desi’s are all homogenized…I think Zak is the best fit for Desi. They both seem to have the same level IQ. Somewhere in the 90ish range…Does anyone else notice the odd noises (screams, goofy laughs) Desi makes? Don’t say its not just me…My top two choices to “win” this contest are Brooks and Chris. Everyone else is fighting for bronze.
See you all next week!