Another week, another episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure – “The Bachelorette.”Brian’s girlfriend[/caption]
Before we get to this week’s running diary I wanted to talk about last week’s episode. The “highlight” of episode three was Brian’s girlfriend popping up. It was really weird and really awkward, which you would expect. But it was also sort of fishy. Fishy in such a way that I needed to do some research on the situation because it just didn’t smell right. Turns out this girlfriend “surprise” was a terd shaped mackerel.
According to Reality Steve, it looks like Brian’s girlfriend (Stephanie) was not really on the show to protect Desi from her deceitful pig of a boyfriend. She didn’t need to go on the show, producers found out about her pretty early, and now (and this will be a shocker) Brian and Stephanie appear to be “back” together.
If this situation were real, if your boyfriend left you to go on a dating reality show, would you ever, under any circumstances, take him back? I seriously doubt it. This smells like a publicity grab from a former Playboy Playmate of the Month (and if you could tell she was in Playboy from looking at her on last week’s episode, you deserve a prize).
I also learned from Reality Steve that Bad Hair Brooks was in a commercial for some restaurant I’ve never heard of (he’s at the 11 second mark looking like a young Brian Austin Green). Man, I love the Internet.
Okay, enough jibber jabber. Let’s get to this week’s episode. As always, be sure to check out the flavor filling links.
7:01- During the episode preview we see that Des is going to Atlantic City. I guess Vegas was booked.
7:02 – Despite the fact that we’re four episodes in, SO MANY of these guys look alike. All of them are interchangeable, like batteries or brands of toothpaste or one of Evander Holyfield’s children. Pretty soon they all start to blend together and look the same.
7:06 – Brad, the accountant from Denver, has the first date of the evening, a one-on-one. As much as I’d like to root for the guy since he’s from Colorado, he’s a bit of a bore. That and he has that whole “I used to have a restraining order but it just went away” vibe going against him.
7:08 – Zak W is channeling his inner Brandon and watching Brad and Desi go from ride to ride on the boardwalk all the way from the 44th floor of his hotel room. All Zak needs is some binoculars and a wheelchair and he’s basically Jimmy Stewart from “Rear Window.”
7:11 – 7:14 – Zzzz. I’m sorry, I fell asleep during Brad and Desi’s date. If she doesn’t send him home, I have no idea what she’s looking for. Is there any guy on this show that’s interesting? Isn’t anyone funny? All the bachelors have a serious personality deficit.
7:16 – And Desi sends Brad home. Good for her. Here’s my theory about how this show would work for a “normal” person – 25 or so people is just too many to choose from with any kind of precision. I think that a normal person could eliminate at least half of those people on night one. It may be due to body type, it may have something to do with personality or it may be just a general vibe. I think a bachelor or bachelorette could get it down to 5-7 people pretty much immediately. What do you think? How would you handle it if you were the Bach/Bachelorette? I’d like to know.
7:18 – And Brad cries during his exit interview, not sure why. This is the first time Brad has shown ANY emotion. This confirms he is not a robot. I owe my brother $10.
7:22 – Group date time! Or as I like to call it – “Lets find a way to have these guys embarrass themselves” time.
7:24 – Miss America is standing next to Chris Harrison talking about this week’s challenge. I watched the Miss USA pageant Sunday night (Just don’t ask. Or judge.). Will someone please explain the difference between Miss USA and Miss America to me? Which one is in charge of the U.S.A.?
7:25 – The 11 guys on the group date are competing in a Mr. America pageant. I think Juan Pablo’s talent should be wearing skinny jeans.
7:25 – On a related note, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we found out that Juan Pablo’s name was really John Paul and he was an insurance salesman from Cleveland and he was faking his accent the entire time? That would be the most amazing. Event. In Bachelorette. History.
7:30 – Just as we go to commercial Chris Harrison (in a VO) announces that there’s a Denver casting event July 13th. I’m sooooo going to drag my brother to that (he’s 30 and single). If he were the Bachelor it would be the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
7:32 – My wife just suggested that I go to the casting event myself and check it out. She said to take my ring off and figure out how it works. I just might do that and write about the experience. I’ll keep you posted. I’m out of their age range (I’m 42) but at least I’d get some intel. Hopefully no one from ABC is reading this. Maybe I’ll use an alias. I think I’ll go as Max Power. I saw that on a hair dryer once.
7:34 – The Mr. America pageant has started. The mayor of Atlantic City must have way too much free time on his hands because he’s a “judge” for this “pageant.”
7:35 – Where do they get the audiences for these events? Who would want to sit around and watch a bunch of no name dudes play dodgeball or do some made up pageant? Okay, yeah I’d go to.
7:39 – Says the Mrs. during the Mr. America pageant, “I don’t see what you learn about a person’s character by watching people embarrass themselves. It’s stupid.” I agree but this is also a reality show where normal dating rules are thrown right out the window.
7:40 – Didn’t notice one normally built guy during the bathing suit competition, every dude was ripped. I wonder if any of those guys are using steroids?
7:42 – Hashtag Kasey won the Mr. America pageant. He was awarded a crown, a sash and a $20,000 scholarship from Revlon.
7:49 – 7:55 – Here’s what happens during the evening portion of the date (which happens at a pool) – Chris reads a poem and smooched Desi, Ben (who only seems to talk about himself) angered the other guys when he spent one-on-one time with Desi in front of everyone else, and James (who was alone in the bachelor pad because he has a one-on-one later) took a bubble bath and ate chocolate covered strawberries.
7:57 – Zak W gets the group date rose for no apparent reason. Maybe it’s the abs.
8:00 – Time for James and Desi to go on a one-on-one. Looks like they’ll be flying over the Jersey Shore by helicopter. Finally some helicopters! The helicopter budget is almost as low this season as the hotel budget.
8:03 – James and Desi take a heli tour of the areas devastated by Hurricane Sandy. I hope a New Jersey icon (Bruce Springsteen, Chris Christie, Snookie) greet them on the helipad and give them a tour.
8:08 – The Morbid Date continues as James and Desi are now on the ground walking around the devastated Jersey town of Seaside Heights with an older couple who lost their home. I’m guessing now would be a bad time to James to make a move.
8:13 – Lots of Red Cross love during this segment. I wonder if ABC owns them too.
8:14 – Desi decides to give her fancy date with James to the older couple. It’s a very sweet gesture but the cynic in me can’t help but think this was all a set up by ABC producers.
8:21 – Since I’m a heartless prick I fast forward through the part where the older couple has a fancy date in Atlantic City.
8:22 – During his date in a bar with Desi, James admits that he cheated on his girlfriend of five years while he was a freshman in college. I love James’s spin on this. He said that a man, “couldn’t really be in love until his heart has been broken and it broke my heart when I broke her heart by cheating on her.” Um, yeah. I don’t think that counts as having YOUR heart broken when you screwed over another chick and you felt guilty about it. That said, he was a freshman in college. I don’t think what he did was a big deal.
8:25 – Again skipping the section with the older couple on a date (see previous heartless prick comment).
8:31 – And now the older couple on a date are getting to dance all by themselves in front of a singer. This time, I’ve actually heard of the guy. Former Hootie and the Blowfish frontman/turned country singer Darius Rucker gets to sing a lame song on national TV.
8:33 – James gets a rose because Desi respects his honesty. She won’t feel that way when James tells Desi about his scorching case of herpes.
8:40 – Cocktail party time! Looks like Bryden (who looks like Jai Courtney from “Spartacus”) is questioning why he’s on the show. Could he be realizing this show is a sham?!? Finally, a contestant with a brain.
8:45 – Bryden tells Desi that things are “falling behind from where they used to be.” This seems to be a completely natural reaction on his part. This whole situation is unnatural and odd and he’s reacting appropriately. He’s my favorite guy on this show. So of course, I hope he grabs his bag and says this.
8:55 – Whoa! Bryden gets called by Desi but hesitates. I would have loved to have known how long he hesitated exactly (I trust ABC producers as much as I trust the IRS) but he did seem to think about accepting it.
8:56 – MIkey T gets a rose. Zack K gets sent home. I was partially right.
8:58 – Desi seems really broken up about letting Zack K go as she tells the remaining men that they are headed to Munich. I guess the promise of lederhosen, sauerkraut and beer is enough to make her forget about what’s his face.
Final thoughts – I don’t like Michael. At all. Something about him screams creepy lawyer. And coincidentally, he is a lawyer….during her time with Chris, Desi mentions how she’s VERY independent and has a lot of guy friends. Maybe it’s just me but if I’m a guy that’s a bit of a warning sign. I’m not sure why…Says the wife on Desi, “She’s a bubblehead with no personality. She has no education or career and she’s playing out the poor little rich girl act. I spent an hour looking for what her job was and found nothing. She needs to get a job instead of a man.”
See you all next week.