Coming to you live from the Millennium Biltmore Hotel in Los Angeles! It’s the latest running diary of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelorette.”
Apologies that this entry is so late. I’m not writing this from my usual spot (from the comfort of the ass grove of my couch in Colorado). Instead I’m in the Golden State for the Electronic Entertainment Expo, better known as E3. If you’re unfamiliar with the event, all you need to know is that E3 is, simply stated, a video game convention. That’s right, I’m a dude who not only writes about “The Bachelorette” but also covers the world of video games. I’m all kinds of nerdy.
Since I’m not in my usual locale, you might notice that this post is slightly different. Don’t worry! I promise to try my best to make fun of Desi and her gaggle of deep vee t-shirt wearing bros who may or may not be around for the right reason.
Okay, enough jibber jabber. Let’s get to this week’s episode.
7:01 – The preview for tonight’s episode is a good one. Bros hating on bros, stalker-in-the-making Brandon pulling out the “L Word” three episodes in, DODGEBALL, ambulances, and a visit from a girlfriend who looks like Olivia Munn if she’d had about 10 plastic surgeries too many. There’s no way this episode can be this good, it’s all downhill from here.
“If you can dodge a wrench…”[/caption]
7:06 – The first date of the episode is a group date. It’s a dodgeball game with guys from the National Dodgeball League. I was thinking this was going to be a cool date until I saw the kind of ball being used. This isn’t a Nerf ball we used in elementary school. This thing looks like a mini basketball. Who wants to get hit by that? Especially in the coin purse.
7:08 – Desi is talking about how she chose this date to see how the guys work together and see how they compete. Hahahaha! As if she had anything to do with picking what she was going to do. You know ABC planned all this. Quit lying to me Desi Rossum!
7:15 – Time for the dodgeball battle. We already know someone is getting hurt. Hopefully it’s from a dodgeball to the groin. It’s not as good as a football to the groin but it’ll do.
7:17 – Chris Harrison is announcing this game like he’s Vin Scully. It’s nice to know that although his job is a complete joke that he takes his responsibilities seriously.
7:19 – Brooks gets hurt, looks like a mashed up pinky. The preview made it much more interesting than it really was. The injury portion was only about 20 seconds of airtime. Hopefully we’ll soon find out that he was given a bionic pinky so I can call him Bionic Brooks instead of Bad Hair Brooks.
7:24 – Oh, wait, there’s more. Brooks is at the hospital and as is Bachelor/Bachelorette tradition his hurt finger is being made into a much more dramatic moment than it should be. If anyone can make a broken pinky a life or death situation, it’s ABC.
7:26 – Brad, an accountant from Denver (Just like my brother, who is also an accountant that lives in Denver! I wonder if they hang out.) decides that during the evening portion of the group date would be a good time to tell Desi that he’s a father. She seems pleased. I guess Brad noticed that it worked for Ben so it might work for him too.
7:30 – Brooks shows up in his dodgeball uniform, which is so tight it looks like a wrestling singlet. I’m pretty sure I know what his religion is. For his effort on the field of battle, Desi lets him stick his tongue down her throat.
7:32 – Chris gets the group date rose. I’m surprised. I would think Brooks would have been a shoe in for the rose (He did get his finger broken after all.), but no.
7:34 – After earning the rose, Chris and Desi get to spend some time together. Creepy Brandon is watching Chris and Desi smooch as they dance to some no name singer. Brandon has a look on his face like someone made him watch the latest M. Night Shyamalan film. This guy’s got issues.
7:38 – We see Desi writing in a journal at her bachelorette pad when she gets a mysterious call from Chris Harrison. Dun, dun…DUN! Here are my top 5 guesses of what Desi was writing/drawing in her journal from most likely to least likely.
5. A wedding dress
4. A giant heart with the words “Chris + Desi” written in it.
3. A cat
2. A big game of tic tac toe
1. A picture of Chris Harrison dressed like a Spartan from the movie “300.”
7:40 – Any time Harrison makes a surprise visit/call it’s bad news. Here comes the “he’s got a girlfriend” part of the show. Desi’s at the house to confront…Brian. Desi pulls him out on to the pool area. She’s setting him up for Chris Harrison to walk out with his “girlfriend” Plastic Olivia Munn. Get ready for some fireworks.
7:45 – Oh boy. This is getting ugly. The girlfriend has a kid. That’s not cool. Uh oh, and the deal breaker is Brian slept with his ex-girlfriend two nights before he left for the show. This woman strikes me as a bit off and kinda weird, but what Brian did was still pretty shady regardless. No way he was sticking around. That said, I wouldn’t be surprised if this ex-girlfriend wanted to hook back up with Brian when he got back home. That’s the kind of weird vibe she’s giving off.
8:02 – Now Brandon is upset about the Brian issue. Like the girlfriend’s son, Brandon was also left behind by men who would have a relationship with his mom. Brandon gets easily attached to guys who would occasionally visit his house (the cable guy, the milk man, the mail man) so imagine what’ll happen when he leaves the show. He’s going to cry because Chris Harrison is no longer in his life.
8:10 – After the drama ends, Desi goes on a date with Hashtag Kasey. It’s always good to go out with a girl right after she’s gotten some bad news. Right? Right?!? On an unrelated note, Kasey thankfully quit talking in hashtags. That won’t stop me from using them though.
8:12 – The first part of Kasey and Desi’s date is “dancing” on the outside of a building. #lame
8:17 – Kasey and Desi’s date goes from #lame to #horrible. It’s windy, they jump into a cold pool and Kasey forces an awkward kiss. The date is so bad it ends in a stairwell. Still, Kasey gets the rose anyway. #winning
8:20 – Time for another group date. This one has an old west theme. Get ready for some bad acting and plenty of clichés.
8:22 – And we just found out why there’s an old west theme. The stuntmen on the show worked on Disney’s “The Lone Ranger.” Disney owns ABC. Shameless plug! They also own ESPN so why wasn’t the dodgeball game from earlier called by Bill Simmons or Stuart Scott? They’d love to be on “The Bachelorette.”
8:25 – Juan Pablo (who sounds like Puss In Boots from “Shrek”) finally gets some camera time, “winning” the “challenge” of something that I couldn’t really pay attention to because it was so cheesy my eyes were filled with gouda. JP (I’m just going to call him that from now on) “won” another shameless plug for “The Lone Ranger” as he and Desi got to watch the movie together. And yes, I hope you are imagining me making air quotes with my fingers when I use quotes on words that shouldn’t have them.
8:30 – Time for the evening part of the group date. The rose is still in play.
8:31 – Bryden is getting some airtime. He seems like a sweet, sensitive guy. I mentioned him as a guy to watch in my preview and Desi seems to like him. He’s got potential to win this game. Then have his heart broken by Desi a few months later.
8:33 – James gets the group date rose. Desi was surprised that such a big, strong guy could feel insecure and was inspired to give it to him. Why is that?!? Sure, if she was in a bar this would be a different scenario but of course he feels vulnerable, he’s competing against a bunch of other hunky guys. Any guy would feel that way. Except me of course, I’d be all cool and stuff.
8:40 – Time for a randomly scheduled pool party, which will take the place of the normal cocktail party. Okay, sounds good.
8:41 – Uh oh, Ben is up to his normal shenanigans. As Desi drives up for the pool party, Ben snipes her away and they go off for short ride in her ugly Bentley. Get ready for some drama!
8:44 – Here we go. Mikey T and Michael (who’s really getting annoying with his self righteousness) call out Ben. Michael even says that they “can’t be friends.” I’m sure Ben is pretty broken up about that.
8:45 – Time for Brandon to over share. He tells Desi how the Brian drama impacted him. Why is he getting involved in this? This makes Brandon look a little…. oh crap now he just said he was falling in love with her and he thinks about her all day long. Desi is now starting to regret sending the Fantasy Suite guy home instead of Brandon because this is getting awkward.
8:48 – These words just came out of Brandon’s mouth, “I keep thinking how perfect and meant to be we really are.” Um, CREEPY!
8:50 – Final rose ceremony time! I think Brandon needs to go. And Zack K because he got no camera time this week.
8:52 – Danngit! Zack K (who looks a little like a young Ben Affleck) gets a rose.
8:53 – Yes! Single dad accountant from Denver Brad gets a rose. He has no chance to win, but my home state continues to be represented. Of course, Desi is from Colorado so…whatever.
8:54 – And out comes Chris Harrison, a descendant of Blaise Pascal, to come out and tell Desi that she has only one rose left. Who knew you’d learn so much about ancient mathematicians reading a Bachelorette blog?
8:54 – We’re down to one rose and Ben, Brandon and Dan remain. We know Ben is staying, no mystery here.
8:55 – And Ben gets the last rose. Dan (who looks like a young Jeff Probst) and Brandon are going home. Brandon has a confused look on his face like Chris Harrison gave him a Blaise Pascal math problem to solve. Brandon will be soon turn into the albino from “The Da Vinci Code.”
8:56 – Desi feels bad and runs after a crying Brandon. Ouch! She even said, “It’s better to be now than later.” As if that would make him feel any better. It’s the kind thing to do and the logic on her end is sound but if she had any hint that he was even a bit relationship unstable he should have let him go a long time ago.
Final thoughts – The preview for next week looks like we’ll have more Ben drama. The problem is he isn’t enough of a villain like Michelle Money or Courtney the Fat Lipped Model to make him interesting…I was right, this episode did not live up to its preview hype. Now if Brooks would have lost a testicle…How dedicated am I to this blog? I was watching this episode on my iPad while writing this week’s blog on a friends laptop in the surprisingly loud Millennium Hotel Club Lounge after a week where I walked 186 miles (estimated) while in LA for E3. That’s how much I love you guys!
See you all next week!
