Bachelor

The Bachelor Running Diary Week 6 – Hobbiton, the land of one ring and five Juan Pablo besitos

Another week, another episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelor.”

Before we get to this week’s episode I have to admit, I’m still flummoxed by Juan Pablo’s Kissing Logic. So far JP has been both a kiss prude and a kiss whore. He’ll be a prude because he doesn’t want to look bad in front of his daughter, then he’ll plant one on any female with a pulse on a group date. I just don’t get it.

e5-claire Is he really concerned about what his daughter thinks?[/caption]

First of all, is he really concerned about what his daughter thinks? I don’t think so. I have two kids, when they were four they had no idea what kissing was. JP could just say he was taking Clare’s temperature with his tongue and Camila would believe it. Even Juany Pabs late night ocean swim could be easily explained. Well, not by Clare. Check out this quote from her from TVGuide.com where Clare says she and JP did not have sex. And yes, I’m just as surprised as you that TV Guide still exists:

“I don’t think it was made clear by anybody that that’s not what happened …  that wasn’t my intention going into it [and] everyone in the situation knows that’s not what happened,” Clare said. “I was doing something that was on my bucket list and I don’t regret it, to this second, even after this outcome…I just want the reality of it to be out there and the truth to be out there instead of the short clips people are seeing. I wanted to be able to elaborate on that.”

If you hit the link there’s a bit more to this story than that quote (which I found confusing, so I didn’t bother to put it here) but I’m not buying that for a second. If they didn’t “do anything wrong” why did everyone act so guilty? Because they spent unsanctioned time together? Is that why John Paul would play the Daughter Card? Is that why he made Clare cry? No way. If that were the case, this wouldn’t be such a big issue, and as we’ve seen from last week’s preview, this is unresolved.

Granted, the environment they were in was certainly NOT ideal for coitus. In fact, I don’t think it’s even likely. But something more happened than what we were shown otherwise why would JP and Clare be so upset over nothing? Of course we’ll never know the truth. What do you think happened? I’d like to know.

Okay, enough jibber jabber. Let’s get to this week’s episode.

7:03 – Juan Pablo and the gang are now in New Zealand. My guess is that one of the group dates involves getting dressed like Hobbits and walking the path to Mount Doom to drop a ceremonial ring in the volcano. That sounds like a cheesy thing the producers of this show would do. My money is on Clare playing the Gollum role. And if you didn’t get that joke you need to ramp up your nerd IQ and watch “Lord of the Rings.”

 

Andi: The Terminator

Finally a one on one.

7:06 – We learn that Andi has finally gotten the one-on-one date she’s been harassing JP about for the last two episodes. Meanwhile Clare is disappointed that SHE didn’t get it so she could “work things out” with Juan Pablo. If nothing physical happened with JP, what’s there to work out? The more nebulous language I see these two use, the more I can’t help but thing something is going on. Just admit it already!

7:15 – JP says he’s planned an adventurous date for Andi. And by “he” he means an ABC producer.

7:19 – Andi and JP trek to a warm waterfall that requires them to squeeze through a path of moss covered rocks to get there (hence the name, The Squeeze). Some random comments my wife and I said to each other while watching this unfold:

The Mrs.: She’s boring.

The Mrs.: Andi is a control freak.

The Mrs.: For saying how incredible this date is, they haven’t talked to each other at all.

Me: My fat butt would have gotten stuck between those rocks and needed someone to get me out.

7:28 – Andi calls JP, “Juan Pablo” for the 23rd time this evening. I’m getting sick of hearing his name. I don’t know anyone who calls a person by his or her full name. No one could’ve given Juan Pablo a pet name? Besides me, of course.

7:30 – Andi gets a rose on yet another boring one-on-one date. Both JP and Andi say how much they like the other but viewers have no reason why. There’s not an intelligent word said between the two or any kind of meaningful conversation. Here’s a sample conversation:

Andi: I’m so ready for kids.

Juan Pablo: (Silence, moves in for a kiss to keep her quiet)

Gah!

cass

What will my birthday present be?

7:36 – Group date time! Cassandra mentions that today is her 22nd birthday. Why is she on this show?!? You’re only 22! Live your life! Don’t go on this show looking for a dude! Unless, of course, you think you have a shot at being the next Bachelorette. Then by all means, make a good impression.

7:44 – Time for the evening part of the group date. Yes! They’re in Hobbiton! They’re on the set of “Lord of the Rings!” And Sharleen is geeking out about it! I always knew I liked her. Sadly, I guess Kat has to play the Gollum role since we learned earlier that Clare is getting the last one-on-one date this week.

7:47 – House Mom Renee is smooching with JP. Says Renee, “I feel like where I am with Juan Pablo right now is where I’ve been in past relationships in 6-8 months.” Yes because after 6-8 months of dating, people usually only kiss a guy twice while he’s dating multiple people. Happens all the time.

7:51 – Juan Pablo just swapped spit with Sharleen, this after kissing House Mom Renee and Nurse Nikki (and Andi on the earlier one-on-one). JP is SOOOOO going to get hammered for this during the reunion show later this season. I can practically see all the indignant women (and two guys) in the audience shaking their head during the Juan Pablo Kissing Montage.

Juan Pablo Kiss Kount: 4

7:52 – Sharleen dared to ask JP, “How do you think I’m feeling right now?” Hey! Hey! This isn’t about you Sharleen! This is about Juan Pablo and his swelling libido. And his penchant from grabbing women by the face and making them kiss him so he doesn’t have to answer any tough questions! It’s not about you Sharleen! Not! About! You!

7:53 – Cassandra has just mentioned for the 12th time this evening that it’s her 22nd birthday and a rose would really make a great gift. This is foreshadowing by ABC producers that she will not be getting a rose tonight. I think JP will give it to Clare even though she’s not there.

7:59 – And Sharleen gets the group date rose! Will you accept this group date rose? “Yes sir!” says Shar. All those years of military boarding school are finally paying off.

8:01 – And things just got worse for Cassandra. After showering her with compliments, Juan Pablo tells Cass that it’s better for her to pack her gear and get out of Hobbiton. He walks her to a car and sends her on her way. Looks like JP finally realized how old Cassandra was and decided it was time for her to go or get faced with jail time in New Zealand for dating a minor.

8:11 – Time for Clare’s one-on-one. She’s looking for an apology. She’s clearly never watched this show before. The Bachelor never apologizes!

8:14 – JP just listed a number of things for Clare that he’s never done with a woman in front of Camila (holding hands, kissing, speaking intelligible English). All of them he’s done several times over with multiple women on this show. So the lesson is JP, don’t let your daughter watch “The Bachelor.”

8:15 – Whatever their issues from last week were are now resolved. Clare said JP “apologized” but I never heard it. This whole segment left me confused, as it should most viewers. What was the problem?!? Again, it can’t be as simple as Clare getting more time with JP than everyone else. This is infuriating.

8:21 – During the evening part of the date, JP and Clare are talking about their chat from the afternoon portion of the date. It’s like listening to two middle school girls talk in code so that adults sitting close by have no idea what they’re talking about.

8:22 – What I do understand is the word “like,” which Clare has said 342 times in the last three minutes. My dislike for her is growing with each “like.”

8:24 – Clare gets a rose, which is followed by lots of smooching. I don’t like Clare. The word that pops into my head when I think of her is “fake.” Fake teeth, fake boobs, and fake personality. F.A.K.E.

Juan Pablo Kiss Kount: 5

8:32 – Chris Harrison is having a pre-cocktail party chat with Juan Pablo. Clearly its required in CH’s contract that he have at least three minutes of camera time every six episodes. It’s in his rider along with having a bowl full of only green M&Ms in his room and first dibs on all rejected bachelorettes.

chelsie

Making her pitch.

8:43 – Looks like its coming down to Kat and Chelsie. Both are making their pitch to JP. Chelsie goes first and seems in good shape but then Kat tells a story so depressing about her absentee dad that it forces ABC producers to not only play sad piano music, but also uplifting guitar music as her story ends on a high note. I guess Kat is staying.

8:53 – Final rose ceremony time! Looks like “science educator” Chelsie is going home.

8:56 Chris Harrison, a descendant of Felix Hausdorff, comes out to tell Juan Pablo that only one rose remains.

8:57 – And Chelsie gets the rose! JP has a heart of stone! Kat’s strategy didn’t work.

8:59 – More foreshadowing at the end of this episode, this time from Sharleen. We’re given serious hints that she just might be quitting. Saying, “I’m going to give it another week. If I absolutely can’t see myself with Juan Pablo I think it’s best if I leave” kind of leaves that impression.

Final thoughts – You might be wondering how I go about writing this post. Here’s the skinny. About an hour before the show starts I write my intro. Then as the show airs I write as “The Bachelor” is being televised. I sometimes pause the show (much to my wife’s annoyance) to look up a link or take a moment to think of what exactly I want to write, and then I move on. I usually finish the post about 30 minutes after the show airs as I give the column a quick read through.

Why am I telling you this? Because three times in the past two weeks I’ve been reminded of errors I’ve made in my posts. The most recent came today from a co-worker I didn’t even know read these posts. First off, I apologize. You will find errors from time to time. Because of the speed with which I write this post, you’ll find mistakes. I make no excuses but mistakes WILL be made (that’s actually my excuse). In my defense, my commitment to getting this post up in a timely manner outweighs any faux pas in my opinion. Reality TV audiences need their content fast. If I took as much time to write as I’d like, you wouldn’t get this post until Thursday, and by then you’ll have forgotten all about this week’s episode.

So please bear with me (that was intentional) as I try to get my posts up as expediently as possible. I’m not trying to make mistakes but in my haste I will make some. I hope they don’t ruin your enjoyment of the running diary. I’ll try to be better.

See you all next week!

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