Bachelor

The Bachelor Running Diary Week 5 – A panda in a room full of brown bears

Another week, another episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelor.”

But is it still America’s favorite guilty pleasure? I’m beginning to have my doubts. While hanging out with my daughter this weekend the topic of Juan Pablo and “The Bachelor” came up. She said this season was boring because nothing interesting is happening and she might quit watching.

At first I was surprised at this because A) she knows I write about the show so you’d think she’d at least LIE TO ME and tell me she thinks it’s fun and B) when I think about “The Bachelor” the word “boring” doesn’t come to mind. But after thinking about it a few seconds I realized she was right for the following reasons:

  •  Juan Pablo hasn’t been as interesting as promised. In fact my Juan Pablo Fever that Chris Harrison diagnosed America with in week one was cured in week two. Maybe it’s a language issue but JP is mostly a one-note guy, or at least that’s how he’s being portrayed. He’s good looking enough and has an adorable accent but is there anything more to him than that? So far JP is about as interesting as Top Ramen without the flavor packet.

    e5-nikki Is Nikki the early contender for villain?[/caption]

  • There are no women to root for. To be sure, there are a lot of pretty ones but as of yet there’s not a single lady who makes me go, “You know what, I like her. She seems sweet.”
  • There’s not enough drama. Usually at this point we have a villain to hate but one hasn’t emerged yet. Nurse Nikki could be the early contender but she doesn’t really fit the mold. When the most dramatic argument of the season is Nikki having a mostly polite disagreement with Clare, that’s a big disappointment. And yes, the bachelorette who cried in the bathroom stall (I’ve already forgotten her name) was pretty enjoyable, but it was much too short and she felt bad about it afterward. If she were belligerent and unapologetic maybe that could’ve been something the show could have built on but so far, there just hasn’t been enough drama.

All that said, I’m still holding out hope for this season (at least for two more weeks) for one reason – Sharleen. Shar brings a sense of normalness I’ve never seen on this show. Unlike some of the other women she didn’t fall in love with JP the second she walked out the limo. She thinks about their relationship like a real person would – “Am I actually attracted to this guy? Does he bring anything to the table besides looks and an accent? Is there any depth to him? Do we have anything in common? We’re pretty different, what kind of things are we going to talk about?”

What the heck is up with that?!? I like Sharleen. Thankfully she’s MUCH too sophisticated and cultured for JP so she’ll never make it to the end, sparing her a number of months of tabloid misery.

Okay, enough jibber jabber, let’s get to this week’s episode. As usual, be sure to check out the flavor filling links.

7:02 – JP is now in Vietnam. From South Korea to Vietnam, the Juan Pablo tour of countries America has waged war in continues.

e5-claire

Tour Guide Barbie

7:03 – Says Tour Guide Barbie (Clare) about Vietnam, “Korea has its beauty but this is like, nature. It’s water, it’s trees, it’s the sun, its’ beautiful.” I really should just make this running diary a quote of all the stupid things the people on this show say. It would save me a lot of time and energy.

7:05 – Alli just talked. I thought it was Andi. These two look too much alike. One of them has to go.

7:10 – House Mom Renee has the first one-on-one date of the episode. I like Renee; she’s very cute and seems to have a big heart. BUTT, I just don’t see a love connection. They’re both single parents but something is just off. I don’t sense any chemistry at all.

7:22 – During the evening portion of the date JP says, “Renee is an example of what a good mom is. Because any good mom would leave their kid in the dust to come spend 30 minutes a week with Juany Pabs!” Okay, I made that last sentence up but I’m not really sure JP can really judge Renee on her mothering skills in this environment.

7:26 – And Renee gets a rose. JP has yet to NOT give a rose on a one-on-one. I’m conflicted by this date. It was a VERY boring date, with talk about kids and the custom made dress JP had made for Renee. Still, much like Sharleen’s dates, this date had a “real” feel to it. But more boring.

7:33 – Group date time. Here’s where Renee takes over and pisses everyone off.

7:35 – Juan Pablo sneaks some “besitos” (little kisses) on Renee while riding in a two-person boat. The rest of the group date’s annoyance level with Renee is now a 5/10. Good, good let your hate flow through you! The hate is swelling through you now. Give in to your anger!

7:45 – At the start of the evening part of the group date, JP grabs Clare and leaves for a chat. Say what?!? Dick move on Juan Pablo’s part. He already spent a bunch of time with her earlier in the day, spread the love JP, spread the love.

7:47 – Now JP has taken Clare to his suite where they proceed to jump into a pool in bathing suits and start making out. How long have they been gone?!? Did JP forget he was on a group date? Clare’s not THAT cute.

e5-sharleen

The panda

7:50 – Juan Pablo finally spends time with someone else. Now he’s hanging with Sharleen. Says Shar, “I want him to see me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.” I…just have NO clue where she’s going with that. Is that an opera singer saying? I need to find out.

7:53 – JP kisses his third woman of the group date. Because, you know, he wants to set a good example for this daughter.

7:54 – And Clare gets the group date rose. Andi, the third woman he kissed this evening (Clare and Sharleen were 1 and 2) is left confused. I can’t blame her. JP is sending more mixed messages than a politician.

7:55 – Uh oh, just saw this tweet from former Survivor Eliza Orlins – “Juan Pablo hates gays and slut shames women. Could this guy be any worse?? I thought I couldn’t hate him any more than I did.” Two thoughts on this 1) something weird must be about to happen and 2) if Eliza hates JP, why is she still watching this show? Is she hate watching? That must be it.

7:59 – Here we go, Clare is looking to get down and dirty. After the group date she shows up at JP’s suite and asks him if he wants to go for a “swim” in the “ocean.” Then they actually go for a swim in the ocean. Sorry if those quotation marks were misleading. Still, Clare is willing to do whatever it takes to win. WHATEVER it takes, if you know what I mean.

8:01 – Okay, so they had to have done it. There was enough sexual innuendo in what JP and Clare were saying in their post coitus one-on-ones to get the point of what happened. All that was missing was this music.

8:06 – The next day Nurse Nikki says to the camera that she’s really excited about her one-on-one date with Juan Pablo. If she knew that JP and Clare were underwater salsa dancing last night, she wouldn’t be excited at all.

8:13 – And JP kisses Nikki to help her get through repelling into a cave because all you need is love. Camila, if you’re keeping score, that’s four (cuatro) women your daddy has kissed tonight.

8:23 – Zzzz…uh, what’s that? Nikki got a rose at the end of her date? Sorry, I fell asleep during Nik’s soliloquy about her job as a pedia…predila (I’m channeling my inner Juan Pablo who couldn’t pronounce the word “pediatric”), er, nurse.

8:31 – Cocktail party time. After an awkward moment where JP says he’ll be sending three women home, Clare makes this toast, “Here’s to finding love, being loved and making love. Like JP and I did the night before his date with Nikki.” Okay, I made that last sentence up but you KNOW she was saying it in her head.

e5-renee

#5… tonight.

8:34 – And Renee finally gets the kiss she’s been making a big deal of for the entire episode. She even spins and yells, “Oh my God” three times. Someone’s seen too many Meg Ryan movies. And Camila, that’s number five (cinco) tonight.

8:36 – Uh oh. JP, starting to feel guilty about his nautical exploration of a certain “32-year old” hairdresser is having a chat with Clare. He’s backpedaling faster than Richard Sherman, saying to Clare, “It was good but at the same time, it was a bit weird for me. Because you know, I had the milk for free and now I’m interested in other flavors of milk.” Okay, you caught me again, I made that last sentence up but here’s where he makes Clare feel like crap.

8:38 – Oh boy, now JP has thrown out the Daughter Card, saying he didn’t want his daughter to see what he had done. Ay yi yi. Another dick move on JP’s part. Why is he telling her this? If he feels guilty, that’s on him. Maybe he was trying to slow things down after things got carried away on the beach, maybe he regrets moving too fast, maybe he’s trying to protect his image, I’m not sure. Either way he could have handled this better. Now to be fair, she came knocking on HIS door and both certainly wanted what happened and it was consensual. But his actions that night and his chat just now seem contradictory.

8:40 – Says the Mrs. about this, “I understand that he has regrets. He’s overexposed and he didn’t want something like that filmed on TV. But when you have regrets and you’re 50% responsible and the other person feels great, you can’t bring up your regrets because they’re YOU’RE regrets. I think he was really insensitive. He wanted to get across how HE felt but didn’t acknowledge how SHE felt, which says to me he’s totally self-absorbed.” Fair point.

8:45 – Now I know where the “slut shaming” comment from Eliza comes into play. Clare is crying because she feels her actions have disrespected JP’s daughter. Why would she think that? Because JP put that thought in her head! Instead of owning his part, he used his daughter as an excuse. Eek! This is awkward.

8:48 – Danielle speaks for the first time this episode. So she’s a LOCK for getting sent home.

8:54 – Final rose ceremony time. My money is on Danielle, Alli and Kelly getting the boot.

8:57 – Chris Harrison, a descendant of Alfred Tarski, comes out and tells JP that he has one rose left.

8:58 – Holy cow! I was right! Kelly, Alli and Danielle got sent packing! That’s the first time I’ve ever completely nailed a final rose ceremony! Someone get me a cookie, stat!

Final thoughts – If the women who were there knew about him and Clare, would they stick around?…I’d love some feedback on the Clare/JP issue. Comment away…Judging from the preview, we’re going to get more Clare/JP drama. This is going to get drawn out at least one more episode…I’m going to miss Kelly. She had no shot but she threw out more one-liners than the Dowager Countess…Still no villain and there’s still no woman to root for. That said, this was a pretty interesting episode. Is this the direction this show is going? More real life than dramatic/catty?…We can all agree Clare can’t win now, right?

See you all next week!

Become a patron of RHAP