Another week, another episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelor.”
Okay, so who subjected themselves to the torture that was “Sean and Catherine’s Wedding” on Sunday night? Yeah, me too. For two hours I sat and watched every wedding cliché in the book. Here’s the happy couple tasting wedding cakes, here’s the happy couple awkwardly looking at lingerie with Sean acting like he’s a caveman getting his first glimpse at a flashlight and here’s Catherine picking out a wedding dress with her besties, practically reenacting a scene from “Bridesmaids.” Yuck.
That said there were a couple takeaways from Sunday night’s show:
- We now know that Catherine and Sean have done absolutely nothing physical together. I don’t even think they’ve open-mouth kissed. Their body language spoke volumes, as did Sean’s command of the relationship when we see him force Catherine to live with one of his female friends while he stays in his bachelor pad when they move to Dallas. Sean lives his life like its 1756.
- The version of Michael Jackson’s “Human Nature” that was played at the wedding was the strangest cover song I’ve ever heard; yet I kind of liked it. You can hear the song and watch the group that played at the wedding in this YouTube clip right here.
- There are very few things I take seriously, including weddings. Which is why I kept thinking of “The Princess Bride” wedding scene as soon as Sean’s father (who presided over the ceremony) started talking. If I EVER get to perform a wedding, I’m going to start off just like this guy.
- That said, it did get a little dusty in Casa de Terrones when Catherine and Sean read their vows. As cynical as I like to pretend to be I’m a hopeless romantic and it’s nice to see people find each other, no matter how they do it. Ok, that’s the last non-snarky thing I’m going to write for a while.
- Has anyone else ever seen Macklemore and Sean Lowe in the same room? I didn’t think so. Could it be because they’re the same person!?!
Aside from those five items, there wasn’t much to be had from the Sean and Catherine wedding. At two hours long, it was 90 minutes longer than it needed to be.
In other Bach news I decided to do some research this week. And by research I mean I bought a copy of US Weekly with Juan Pablo on the cover (please don’t tell my guy friends). How could I not? Look at that controversial title! “His Exes Tell All”!?! How am I not supposed to leap at that? And look at that picture of his baby mama! She’s gorgeous!
So what did I learn from my “research?” Sadly, not a whole lot. Except that Juan Pablo’s ex (Careful, may be NSFW. No nudity, just a questionable site.) is WAY more beautiful than anyone currently on “The Bachelor.” Whoever JP picks is going to feel real insecure about that.
The alleged dirt? JP is a serial dater, likes to be in charge in a relationship, is a good dancer, is chivalrous, puts his daughter first, gets along well with his ex (she sometimes covers over to his family’s house for important events) and is very close to his brother and sister. OOOH! How scandalous!
The worst thing someone said in the piece was, “Juan Pablo is very fickle.” And yes, fickle was italicized. You tricked me US Weekly, you tricked me. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice and I’ll be writing a strongly worded email to someone at your company who will just ignore it.
Okay, enough jibber jabber. Let’s get to this latest episode. As always, be sure to check out the flavor filling links.
7:04 – After a long preview, Chris Harrison comes out to tell the bachelorettes that they’re heading to Seoul, South Korea. Cue the requisite screaming, dancing, crying and Gangnam Style references (Ok, that’s just me. When I hear “South Korea” that’s what pops into my head). People still talk about Psy, right? He’s still big in this country, correct? No? We’re over that?!? Did I just make an out of date pop culture reference? I hate when I do that!
7:12 – While walking around Seoul, JP calls the country “beautiful.” I’m pretty sure it’s the only adjective he knows. I’m going to start keeping track of this.
JP Beautiful Count – 1
7:15 – Group date time. Juan Pablo is introducing the ladies to a K-Pop group called 2NE1. Who do you think has to feign excitement more? The group 2NE1 (pronounced “21”) pretending that they want to teach a bunch of uncoordinated Americans how to dance or the bachelorettes who have to pretend that they know/like K-Pop?
7:19 – During rehearsal we see two ladies take different paths. On the one hand we have Kat, who couldn’t be enjoying this more and is actually teaching other bachelorettes dance moves. Then we have Nurse Nikki, who has all the coordination of Chris Farley. Nikki starts with a sense of humor about the situation, than slowly slides into “This is dumb, I don’t want to do this” mode like every person in the world who is self-conscious about their dancing. Not a good sign for Nikki.
That said I like this move by JP. I could never be married to a bad dancer. I’m not saying I need to be in a relationship with Paula Abdul but there’s something off putting about a person that A) has no body control and B) is that self conscious. Who cares who’s watching? Shake your moneymaker!
7:24 – Back from break and we’re greeted with more griping from Nikki. Nothing’s more attractive than a whiner.
7:27 – Performance time, which means it’s time for Kat to take over. She was so aggressive I was waiting for to push 2NE1 off the stage and start Pop, Lock and Dropping It. I’m not kidding. If I were doing the moves I saw Kat do I’d have a dislocated hip. I’m just glad nobody twerked on JP Miley Cyrus style.
7:33 – Time for the evening portion of the group date and Nikki is in rare form. After griping her way through the dance number, she’s now ragging on Kat to the other women while JP is having some one-on-one-time with her. Looks like someone is REALLY jealous of Kat’s dance moves. Nurse Nikki might need to have her name changed to Negative Nikki.
7:35 – Kat tells JP that her dad has had “Seven DUIs.” She also said she had a great mom who “turned lemonade into lemons.” Aside from revealing family secrets and mixing metaphors, I thought that conversation went very well.
7:42 – And Nikki gets the group date rose. Kat and Elise don’t seem happy about that. I guess Kat’s dance moves weren’t all that after all.
7:47 – Whoa! While preparing for his one-on-one date, JP said that Sharleen is his favorite one so far! How about a “spoiler alert” warning Juany Pabs? I like Sharleen but I don’t think she’s a good fit for JP. She’s too cultured, too smart and not likely to fall for the crazy Bachelor lifestyle. That and she calls JP “sir” like Marcie from Peanuts all the time.
7:50 – As if she heard everything I said, Chelsie let’s this nugget about Sharleen slip in a one-on-one camera chat, “She says he’s bored by him and they have dull conversations.” Yeah, I can see that.
7:53 – During the evening portion of their date, JP is trying to talk Sharleen into singing for him. She says, “I would never sing for a guy this early in our relationship.” I have a couple issues with this. First, I know a lot of musical performers. NONE of them are shy. They are always ready to perform and are always happy to do it. Two, Sharleen is acting like she’s doing JP a favor by singing for him. This A) makes her look stuck up and B) has the exact opposite effect that Sharleen thinks. What do guys want? A woman they can’t have. Sharleen’s hard-to-get act is reeling JP in like a marlin.
7:54 – Says the Mrs. about Sharleen, “She’s demanding and not falling all over herself. That’s what a real person would do. I think he’s so into her because she’s not fawning. She’s got her life together, she’s not bitchy and that’s why she stands out for him. What’s the challenge if she is just some other woman he can easily conquer?” Good points.
8:02 – VERY interesting conversation between Sharleen and JP about having kids. Sharleen doesn’t really seem to want any, and she’s even dated a guy with a kid (the child was 4, just like JPs) and told him that she didn’t like that the man she was dating had a child with someone else. YET, she still got a rose. Really enjoyed this date, very real, which is quite unusual for this show.
8:10 – Time for the second group date, it starts with karaoke. If there’s any photography involved on the next date, I’m emailing my contacts at ABC and complaining about the stereotypes being portrayed on this show.
8:12 – O….M…..G……Juan Pablo has taken the ladies to a place where you put your feet in water and little fish eat the DEAD SKIN OFF THEIR FEET. That is NASTY. Although during that sequence my wife said, “Those fish would go to town on your ashy dogs.” Guess I need to buy a loofa.
8:15 – Clare, monopolizing JP’s time (much to the chagrin of the other women) and being a general attention whore, mentions that she doesn’t want to eat octopus. Now maybe Clare is just being gamey (probably) but she clearly broke Guy Rule #1. NEVER tell a dude you don’t want to do or don’t like a particular thing because that’s exactly what they’ll want you to do. Why? Because nothing is funnier to a guy than making someone else feel uncomfortable. It’s in our DNA, sorry ladies. Although the smarter of us won’t fall for the line “Oh, I hate diamonds, they’re so gross and unattractive. I’d never wear one of those hideous things.”
8:20 – How do I know that JP isn’t into House Mom Renee? He says during the evening portion of the date, while he’s sitting with Renee that, “I would like to kiss Renee but I’m thinking of Camilla. I want to set a good example as a Dad. I don’t want to see her Dad kissing 20 girls. I’m not going to kiss anyone tonight.” This despite the fact that he’s kissed six (6!) women already.
8:23 – Juan Pablo said “Bella,” which means beautiful in Espanol. This week’s JP Beautiful Count is not going nearly as well as I expected.
JP Beautiful Count – 2
8:25 – Bam! Lauren, desperate to get some action, tries to plant one on JP and gets shot down. Feeling rejected, Lauren is reduced to tears. Evidently Camilla absorbs the tears of sad women like Eric Cartman devours Scott Tenorman’s tears.
8:33 – Clare is chatting one-on-one with JP. Ugh. Clare is the anti-Sharleen. The entire date she’s practically inside Juan Pablo’s sweater. Clare is faker than a two-dollar bill. What’s that? Those are real?!? Well, I’m pretty sure something on her is fake.
8:35 – And now JP is smooching Clare. Wait until Lauren sees this! At home, like the rest of us this evening. Because you know she’s not making it past tonight.
8:37 – Andi gets the group date rose. Meanwhile Clare is wondering how much fake laughing and spit swapping a girl has to do to get a rose.
8:43 – Cocktail party time. After the women who already have roses have agreed to let others spend time with JP, Nikki decides to throw that out and bumps Clare from her one-on-one. I never thought Nikki would be the villain this season but she’s sure shaping up to be that person
8:47 – After a minor confrontation with Clare, Nikki says to the camera that, “Clare is threatened by me.” Classic Bach line. Of course, this is always said by the person who feels the most threatened.
8:53 – Rose ceremony time! My money is on Lauren and House Mom Renee getting sent home. If you girls would have had some breath mints, it might have been a different story.
8:54 – And Renee gets the first rose! Didn’t I tell you to never listen to me!
8:57 – Chris Harrison, a descendent of Rene Descartes, comes out to tell JP that only one rose remains.
8:58 – And Kat gets the last rose! Lauren and Elise are goners!
8:59 – And we just saw Elise do The Pappas! She was wiping away tears that didn’t exist! How I wish Elise were around just a bit longer. Oh well, we’ll see her on “The Bachelor Pad.”
9:00 – Juan Pablo tells the ladies that next week they’re going to Vietnam. How many other countries that America has had war in are on JP’s hit list? I’m guessing after Vietnam is Afghanistan and Iraq.
Final Thoughts – I think Nikki is probably a good person. When she’s with JP one-on-one she seems thoughtful and could wife material. I think her behavior tonight is because she’s feeling the pressure of all the other women. Or maybe she’s just nuts…Andi gets JP’s sense of humor. I think she’ll go far…Judging from the preview for next week’s episode, Clare looks like she snuck into JP’s room for some extra curricular activities. Come on Clare, don’t you know guys don’t respect women who give it up too easily.
See you all next week!