Another week, another episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelor.”
I’m sooo happy! Maybe it’s because my beloved Denver Broncos made it to the Super Bowl. Or perhaps it’s because normally bland Juan Pablo stuck his foot in his mouth by saying a gay Bachelor would “not be a good example for kids” and are “more perverted.” Oooh! Controversy!
But you know what doesn’t make me happy? The most recent Sunday Bach bonus episode entitled, “Bachelor Love Stories.” It was so filled with cheese I’m still cleaning Velveeta out of my ears.
Viewers were given a look at former Bachelor Jason Mesnick and his second choice Molly who live in Seattle. We saw Desi and Chris, who also live in Seattle. They could possibly be the most boring couple in Bachelor history. Viewers were also treated to a preggers Deanna Pappas with husband Stephen Stagliano (twin brother of former Bach and Bach Pad contestant Michael Stagliano).
These short profiles I could handle, mostly because they reminded me of Bach classics like The Mesnick (crying dramatically over a balcony) and Pappassing (fake crying and pretending to wipe away tears that don’t exist). But what I couldn’t stand was the last half of the show, the maple syrup sweet renewing of vows between former Bachelorette Trista and her husband Ryan. Granted, it certainly is an accomplishment for two people from a Bach show to be happily married with two kids but the “love” was poured on a bit thick. Throw in a short preview of Sean and Catherine’s wedding (which airs this Sunday) and it was a love fest of epic proportions, which was hard to stomach.
That said, I did enjoy Catherine saying to Sean how she’s been REALLY patient and is looking forward to their wedding night. Personally I wouldn’t have bought that “born again virgin” line and it leaves me with a lot of questions:
- If they haven’t had sex, what have they done?
- What qualifies as “sex” for Sean? Can he play “just the tip”?
- I get Sean wanting to reinvent his sex life but isn’t he punishing Catherine by not putting sour cream in the taco if he plans on marrying her anyway?
- Does Sean have performance issues he’s covering up for?
- Does he not have appropriately sized equipment for the job?
- Has he watched “The 40 Year Old Virgin” too many times?
- How do you know if you want to buy the cow if you haven’t taken it for a test drive?
Mysteries abound. I guess if Catherine dumps Sean a few months after their wedding we’ll have a decent idea of the answers to some of those questions.
Okay, enough jibber jabber. Let’s get to this week’s episode. As always, be sure to check out the flavor filling links.Bachelor or coach?[/caption]
7:05 – Chris Harrison comes out and lets the ladies know that there are three dates this week, two one-on-ones and a group date. First up is a date with single mom Cassandra.
7:06 – Says Cassandra, “I haven’t had a first date since I was 18 years old. My last first date was three years ago.” Warning! Warning! Cass is 21, has a kid and is on “The Bachelor.” That does not sound like a recipe for a wife. More like a recipe for a prenuptial agreement.
7:07 – Juan Pablo and Cass are bumping along in a car when suddenly JP drives right through a beach and into the water. The car turns into a boat James Bond-style. So far we have the highlight of this season.
7:08 – Back at the mansion, Elise and 40ish Renee are sitting and having a serious conversation about life (cue the sad piano from The Hulk). We learn, or are reminded, that Elise’s mother wrote a letter for her to be on the Bach that never got sent. She passed away before sending it. Naturally House Mom Renee and Elise view it as a sign that she should be on the show. This is evidence that human beings can talk themselves into anything.
7:09 – Now we cut back to JP and Cass skipping around a lake on the car/boat. Slight change in tone here, like shifting gears in your car on the highway from drive into reverse.
7:14 – Time for the evening portion of the Cass/JP date. John Paul is making Cassandra dinner at his “house.” Says Cass, “This is the first time a man has ever made me dinner.” Sweetheart, you’re 21. I don’t think you’ve dated too many “men.”
7:18 – Ugh. This date with Cassandra and JP is soooo boring. JP seems to be trying to get her to do something interesting (car/boat, salsa dancing, talking about her kid) but she’s a bore. I hope she gets sent home.
7:20 – Gah! Cassandra gets a rose. We hear her say for the phrase “three years ago” for the third time tonight. As if she was in a coma for the last three years and her life just resumed.
7:26 – We all knew it was coming sometime, so here is the requisite visit to a soccer stadium for the group date. On a related note, does anyone else ever notice the not so subtle change in music depending on what’s going on? Right now we’re given the electric guitar. During romantic moments we hear acoustic guitar. During sad moments we hear piano. And during funny moments we hear the little brown jug. Okay, I made that last one up but being force fed (rather loudly) what emotions we’re supposed to feel is one of my biggest pet peeves about this show. That and Chris Harrison getting robbed of precious camera time.
7:30 – There’s a bachelorette soccer game going on right now. The women are broken up into two teams, red and blue. I’d give you the Jim Nantz play-by-play but watching people who’ve never played soccer before whiff at kicking a soccer ball is not really something you want to hear about. Unless you wanted to hear that Sharleen got hit by a soccer ball in the face a couple times. In that case, you’re just mean.
7:38 – Time for the evening part of the date. They’re still at the LA Galaxy’s stadium. Would it be too much too ask for ABC to have paid for David Beckham to show up to spice things up? This episode is dragging.
7:39 – During a chat with Nurse Nikki, JP says he wants her to be here and that she has a, “No se que” or “I don’t know what.” All this time I’ve been using “je ne sais qua” like some kind of French chump! What JP said was so much better.
7:41 – Meanwhile, back at the Bach mansion the date card arrives. Chelsie will be going on a one-on-one and Elise is not happy about that. After saying, “I just don’t know if she’s ready to be a stepmom, she seems like a baby to me. I don’t know if having another daughter is what he wants” I’m pretty sure Elise’s membership to the Chelsie Fan Club will be revoked.
7:43 – The group date continues. Sharleen has really changed in three short episodes. She went from not interested in being on the show to aggressively pursuing Juan Pablo. Including making out with JP in the middle of the soccer pitch while all the other girls were watching. Who knew opera singers were such floozies?
7:46 – After swapping spit with JP, both Sharleen and Andi are stunned that neither of them received the group date rose. That honor went to Nurse Nikki, who just got a hug. The lesson? Use less tongue and quit kissing like a Gila monster.
7:50 – Time for Chelsie’s one-on-one. As long as she doesn’t have to solve any puzzles that contain more than 20 pieces, I’m sure she’ll have fun.
7:53 – Wow, Elise is getting a lot of camera time this week. We again see her griping (this time to Cassandra) about Chelsie. This is usually a foreshadowing move by ABC producers that someone is going home. Without a date this week and with another woman who looks an awful lot like her (Chelsie) maybe JP is trying to decide which busty blonde to keep.
7:54 – Time for another Bach tradition, the Cheesy Metaphor. JP and Chelsie are going to tandem bungee jump. Because we all know that actual real life trust and jumping off a bridge are EXACTLY the same thing. Kind of like how when people on “Survivor” say “I swear on my kids life” that you can trust them and if they screw you, they’re children have to be put to death. That’s how that saying works, right?
8:02 – And Chelsie chickens out. She doesn’t trust Juan Pablo! Date over man! Date over!
8:03 – Well, that’s what I thought was going to happen. After a lot of reassurance from JP, he and Chelsie jump. I guess the always spoiler-riffic ABC promos for the Bach kind of gave that away though, didn’t it?
8:04 – Says Chelsie, “I guess if we can jump off a bridge together we can get through anything.” Except him dating 14 other women.
8:10 – Time for the evening portion of the date. Chelsie calls herself a “teacher” again. I know a lot of teachers so when someone who is not a real teacher says this it drives me nuts. She works at a museum. She’s not a teacher. I once knew a guy who was a driving instructor and he called himself a teacher. That’s a slap in the face of professional educators everywhere. I will now get off my high horse.
8:12 – Meanwhile, back at the Bach mansion…here’s Elise again, AGAIN bad mouthing Chelsie, calling her a “little girl.” She’s gotta be going home. Or she’s in love with Chelsie and is obsessed with her. Take your pick.
8:14 – JP gives Chelsie a rose. I can’t really say I’m surprised. They had a fun date, their dinner conversation went smoothly and Chelsie’s a very pretty girl (or little girl as Elise likes to say). What’s not to like? But oh boy, Elise is NOT going to be happy about this.
8:15 – Billy Currington is now playing a song for JP and Chelsie, triggering the second Bach tradition of the evening – the no name singer performing on “The Bachelor” because he really needs the exposure. I muted my TV as soon as I heard a steel guitar.
8:22 – JP has snuck into the Bach mansion to make breakfast for the ladies. Smooth move! Now he can see what they like sans makeup, heels and fancy clothes. Very smart. Kelly walking by covering her face should be a warning sign for JP. Meanwhile House Mom Renee comes down and helps out. Good for her. Of course she’s the house mom and was probably worried about Chelsie burning down the house.
8:27 – After breakfast Juan Pablo suggests to the ladies that instead of having a cocktail party tonight they should have a pool party right now. Despite the women feeling bloated after eating a carb heavy breakfast, they have no choice but to relent as JP is the Bach and he can do whatever he pleases.
8:32 – Dog Lover Kelly is not fond of Kat’s tactic of sitting on JP’s shoulders in the pool with her who-ha rubbing against the back of his head. Says Kelly, “Kat is trying too hard. Juan Pablo’s head was in her crotch for 20 minutes. I think you need to be a little more considerate that there are 14 other girls and you look like a whore.” Oh no she didn’t!
8:35 – Sharleen is in a glass case of emotion and is having trouble dealing with the other women at the pool party and all the cameras. I like Sharleen, I think. She seems to be the only real person on this show – excited, confused, yet strangely aggressive. She has a melt down because she feels insecure then when she has the opportunity, goes in for some tongue. Somehow this seems normal considering the circumstances in which this show takes place.
8:42 – Time for some drama. After seeing JP smooch Sharleen, Clare is hiding in a bathroom sharing her feelings with (SURPRISE!) House Mom Renee. She cries, she complains and seems surprised she’s on a reality show where a bunch of women are all “dating” the same guy.
8:45 – Clare is talking to JP. Juan Pablo calms her crazy ass down. If this season continues like this, we’re going to have to call JP “The Fireman” because all he’s going to be doing for the next few weeks is putting out fires.
8:53 – Final rose ceremony time. Thank goodness! This episode has dragged on longer than Sean Lowe’s reborn virginity. What a dud of an episode. Who’s going home? Tough call. Maybe Free Spirit Lucy (no camera time) and Elise (too much camera time).
8:55 – Kelly and her dog get a rose. She’s being kept around for her harsh commentary because at this point Kelly’s dog has a better chance of winning JP’s heart than she does.
8:56 – Elise gets a rose. Never listen to me about anything. A bookie will take all your money.
8:57 – Chris Harrison, a descendant of Isaac Newton, comes out to tell JP he has Uno (That’s Spanish for “one”) rose remaining.
8:58 – Danielle gets the final rose! Lucy and Christy are sent packing. NOOOOO! Not Lucy! She’s awesome! She’s always walking around naked! How can JP not like that!?! Although I already know Lucy landed on her feet because she either is or was dating the founder of SnapChat and is besties with supermodel Kate Upton. Christy? Who’s that? The only time I heard her talk this season was during her exit interview.
Final thoughts – At the end of the show viewers were given a preview of Sunday night’s Catherine and Sean wedding (Where Sean pretended that he liked women) and a look at next week’s episode. Seems like Clare is going to start stepping up her game and stepping on other women’s toes to do it…I’m pretty sure you could fill a 2-liter bottle with the amount of tears that were shed tonight. This is episode three. Three! What the heck is going to happen in four weeks? My money is on Clare stabbing Sharleen in the neck with a letter opener…When will JP stop giving roses away on one-on-ones? It takes all the suspense out of the date…This episode was pretty weak. Sure, there were some tears but we need something the Bachelor is truly know for – stupidity. Step up your game ladies.
See you all next week!