Bachelor

The Bachelor Running Diary Week 2 – Sex, Pooping and Disorder

Another week, another episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelor.”

Before we get to this week’s running diary I have to address a new feature ABC has started airing – Sunday night Bach “inside edition” episodes. There was one last Sunday, another one this Sunday and according to my DVR, yet another is planned for this coming weekend.

The one that aired this past Sunday evening was called, “The Bachelor: Behind the Scenes.” Surprisingly it was somewhat informative, which in Bach terms means it was 50% semi-interesting and 50% fluff (East Coast peeps know what I’m talking about.). We saw JP and Chris Harrison crashing episode one viewing parties, learned who had the first one-on-one date and what the date was, viewed a boring conversation with JP, Sean and Catherine and saw another season preview where it looks like Victoria gets slammered A LOT and appears to be the woman who locks herself into the bathroom cursing at JP in the season preview.

Here are some takeaways from “Behind the Scenes”:

  •  JP let go of nine women last week (9!). I didn’t realize it was that many. I was also surprised that Valerie (who I featured in my Bach preview) and Lacy (who my wife called 36J for obvious reasons) both got cut.
  • Chris Harrison has lost some weight and looks pretty good. He looks like Zach Efron’s dad. What are the chances he’s rebounding on the women that get cut? 80% 90%?
  • Based on the previews I’ve seen, Clare looks to be prominently featured this season. She’s everywhere. Clare gets the first one-on-one date and is in a bunch of shots in the preview. Personally, I don’t really like Clare. She comes off phony and reminds me too much of Mr. Schuester’s wife on “Glee.” Maybe she’s this season’s villain? I’m hoping so.
  • This show is cleverly produced. How else could you explain JP and Harrison visiting four different season one premiere viewing parties? “The Bachelor” is two hours long. Am I really supposed to believe a mini-bus could get to four different houses in LA in two hours or less without a police escort? I don’t think so. Not unless they’re on the same street.

I don’t know why ABC is adding these mini-Bach episodes but I’m all for them. Keep’em coming.

e2-sick Sick as a dog.[/caption]

On another note I have heard some Bach inside info I’d like to share. The first tidbit of information I received is from Juliet Litman of Grantland. She and David Jacoby do a reality TV podcast that’s pretty good (Not Rob Cesternino good, just regular good). She was actually at the Bachelor house the night of the first episode (Grantland is part of ESPN and EPSN is owned by ABC). Here were her more interesting morsels:

  •  The pink dress Kylie wore wasn’t her choice. She was told to wear it by producers. Evidently the producer was colorblind because even I know redheads should never wear pink.
  • The first night is a long one, lasting almost 10 hours. The rose ceremony took place around 4 a.m.
  • The Bachelor house is really nice. With so many people coming in and out of it I expected it to be kind of crummy but Juliet said it was really cool.

I also learned that Cassandra, a single mom, has a “famous” ex. Her baby daddy is NBA player Rodney Stuckey of the Detroit Pistons. Doesn’t she know that soccer players are a step down from basketball players?

Look at me gossiping like Perez Hilton. Enough jibber jabber. Let’s get to this week’s episode. As always, be sure to check out the flavor filling links.

7:01 – Another preview. I think it’s for the entire season. If not this episode is going to be jam packed with craziness. I’m more excited than Molly the dog swimming in the Bachelor Pad pool.

7:03 – Clare’s talking to the camera and getting ready for her date with JP. She says the word “like” 297 times. Yet another reason why I don’t like Clare.

7:05 – We’re only five minutes in and the sound of Clare’s voice is driving me nuts. It’s like nails on a chalkboard.

7:07 – JP reveals the faux Winter Wonderland that “he” set up for his date with Clare. It’s full of sledding, Clare’s fake laughter and snowman building. It looks like a great time and a lot of fun. Sledding in the summer in LA? What’s not to like? The cackling sounds of Clare’s giggles perhaps?

7:08 – Now we’re talking! Back at the Bach house a few of the ladies are talking about Juan Pablo and Clare’s date (creepy) while chilling in a pool. Free Spirit Lucy is there, topless like she thinks she’s on an Italian beach, making the other women just a bit uncomfortable. We need a term for this. When a dude’s marble bag is out for all to see its called hanging brain. We need a term for a woman who let’s the girls fly free. How about “invisible jet?” As in, “Did you see that? That woman had an invisible jet after she popped out of the water? ” Yes? No? I’m open to suggestions.

7:10 – Ugh. Back to the Clare/JP date. Did Chris Harrison write a book of clichés or something? If he did, Clare bought it and memorized it. I’m going to barf Family Guy style all by myself. This is just sickening.

7:13 – We learn that Kat, not Kylie, has the next one-on-one date. Since she doesn’t have her routine down nearly as well as Clare, I’m guessing she’s going home after the date is over.

7:16 – Clare is saying something sentimental about her deceased father but I can’t listen to it because 1) I can’t stand the sound of Clare’s voice and 2) JP’s crossed-eyes are too distracting.

7:18 – JP gives Clare a rose. I’m completely surprised by this because ABC would never spoil this show by running overly long previews showing the faces of bachelorettes who’ve made it really far.

7:20 – Yes! Time for the return of a long running Bachelor tradition – some no name recording artist playing crappy songs for the Bach and his lady friend. Today it’s Josh Krajcik. No relation to Ben Flajnik. I don’t think.

e2-victoria

The calm before the storm.

7:22 – After saying 47 cheesy clichés in 22 minutes I finally realize why Clare drives me nuts – she talks about love like an 8th grader who just got her first boyfriend. The woman is 32 (allegedly) and waxes about love like she learned about relationships through Katy Perry lyrics.

7:27 – Kat’s turn. It involves a private jet. Kat thinks she might be going to New York or Miami. She clearly hasn’t flown much because she doesn’t know how long it takes to fly to these places from LA. My guess is Vegas.

7:28 – I’m wrong, it’s Salt Lake City. I guess JP loves the SLC. The 801 is in the house yo! What could be in store for Kat and Juan Pablo? A visit to a giant salty lake? Being serenaded by The Tabernacle Choir? No, it’s a 5K run with dance music and neon all over the place. Those goofy Mormons love to get crazy. And then go to bed at 8 p.m. because they have to churn butter in the morning.

7:33 – JP and Kat are now dancing on a stage in front of a bunch of people who, for some unknown reason, are interested in watching a couple that can’t dance, dance. I haven’t seen this many white people in one place since I accidentally walked into a Dave Matthews concert. Oh, and Kat got a rose. JP is handing these things out quite liberally.

7: 38 – Group date time. Lucy just flashed the camera when she asked herself in a one-on-one interview how she’d get JP’s attention. I’m really starting to like Lucy.

7:40 – Today’s group date activity is a photo shoot. The photo shoot director has a blue beard. I thought JP was going to rub his belly and get three wishes but that didn’t happen.

7:41 – Says Lucy, “There was some sex, there was a lot of pooping, there was a lot of disorder.” Lucy’s not talking about her last threesome, she’s talking about the puppies she and the other women are going to be taking photos with.

7:44 – The ladies are dressed in some weird outfits for this shoot. Chelsie looks like Foxy Cleopatra, Lucy is dressed like a fire hydrant and dog lover Kelly looks like a bald Grace Jones. Andi and Elise are very uncomfortable because they’re posing nude. I think Blue Beard likes making people squirm. I look forward to seeing him on “America’s Next Top Model.”

7:51 – Elise chats up Lucy and asks her if she’ll switch outfits. Never one to miss out on an opportunity to go all invisible jet (See! It works!), Lucy trades. Next thing we know the Free Sprit is walking her dog on the streets of LA while getting honked at by passersby. Have I mentioned I like Lucy?

7:56 – Andi, nervous about posing nude gets talked off the ledge by JP as he’ll be nude too (with Lucy as well). Gotta say, nice move by Juan Pablo. He put Andi at ease and was cool about the entire thing. Smooth JP, smooth.

8:03 – During the evening portion of the date, Cassandra tells JP about her two-year old son. No mention of the 6’5” baby daddy that plays pro basketball. That would be too intimidating.

8:05 – Here we go. Nurse Nikki is telling Victoria to “tone it down” because she’s clearly hammered. Of course when you’re at that stage, chances are it’s too late.

8:06 – Says Vodka Vicky, “If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I’m gonna straddle him EVERY DAY. Cause that’s what life is about, straddling people. And things.” Finally, someone who speaks the truth!

8:11 – More words of wisdom from Vodka Vicky, “Juan Pablo is my boyfriend. Today I gave him the hymen maneuver. I saved his life. I should totally get a rose for that. If you do the hymen maneuver when someone is dying, you’re going to have to straddle them. Who do I have to hump around here to get some one on one time, huh?” I’m stunned Chris Harrison didn’t magically appear after that last line. Or maybe they edited that part out.

8:14 – Vodka Vicky is starting to crash. She walks right by JP, who is chatting with Nurse Nikki, and proceeds to hole herself in the bathroom and starts to cry. Renee sees this and we see her CRAWL UNDER A LOCKED BATHROOM STALL DOOR, which is a pretty impressive move for a 38 year old (Yeah, yeah I know her age is listed at 32 but we all know you have to add six to what they have on their ABC bio). What the heck is going on here?!? I feel like I’m watching an episode of “The Real World.”

8:16 – Vodka Vicky is in Irrational Drunk Person Mode. You know what I’m talking about. The person who gets so slammered that all reason has left their brain. Renee did her best to calm VV down (Even combing her hair with her fingers!) and a producer tried to get her to at least get some shoes on. Although in her condition I don’t even think VV knows what shoes are. After throwing a couple “F$%& Juan Pablos,” Victoria again retreats to the bathroom.

8:21 – After being alerted by Lucy as to VV’s condition, JP tries to talk to Victoria. She blows him off. Juan Pablo smoothly goes back to the rest of the ladies and proceeds to give the group date rose to Kelly. Considering the hideous Grace Jones With Leprosy outfit she had to wear for the doggie photo shoot, she deserved it.

8:29 – After commercial we’ve moved on to the following day. The ladies are naturally gossiping about Victoria back at the mansion, meanwhile JP goes to visit her at a hotel the producers put her in.

8:32 – Just saw a surprisingly mature conversation. Victoria apologizes and even says, “I have no one to blame but myself” (much to the relief of ABC producers) and Juan Pablo is kind and forgiving. Well, not forgiving her enough to keep her on the show, but still.

8:36 – Cocktail party time. The women are on edge. Just like viewers like them.

8:38 – Oh no. Amy, a TV reporter who didn’t get a one-on-one or get to be on the group date, is using her hand as a mic to interview JP. I know quite a few TV reporters and if one of them did this I would tease them MERCILESSLY. I hope Amy talks this way to JP all the time. In fact, I think I’m going to start to talk to my wife this way and see how long it takes her to throw something at me.

8:40 – Sharleen’s turn for some time with JP. Says Shar, “I felt like I was really rude when he gave me the first impression rose. I couldn’t process that he was giving it to me.” Um, ya think waiting five seconds to accept the rose and calling JP “sir” three times was rude?!? Really?!? Is that so Marcie from the “Peanuts” comic?!?

8:43 – Another reason I know that Renee is NOT 32? Now we see her consoling Cassandra (Who’s 21! 21!!!) who’s starting to lose it. First Victoria and now Cass? Only a more mature woman would do that. Renee is in full on Mom Mode.

8:45 – Now JP is talking to Cassandra. Juggling all this drama has got to be the hardest thing about being the Bachelor. Oh sure, you get to go to cool places, do fun things and have a bunch of beautiful women vying for you but is it worth all this hassle? HELLLLLLLL NO.

8:51 – Final rose ceremony time! We get our first sighting of Chris “Hardest Working Man in Show Business” Harrison. We all know he has Victoria waiting for him back in his hotel room, right? Right!?!

8:56 – Chris Harrison, a descendent of Greg Ohm, has come out to tell JP that only one rose remains. Meanwhile Juan Pablo has been dropping roses on people who I SWEAR just showed up because they’ve received zero airtime in two episodes. How is that possible?

8:57 – And Christy gets the final rose! I have no idea who she is or if she can even speak English because she hasn’t uttered a word all season. Meanwhile Chantel and reporter Amy get the boot. Hopefully Amy interviews herself during her exit interview using a hairbrush for a mic.

8:59 – Wait a minute, this episode’s over and we didn’t get to see Victoria’s rant where she lashes out at Juan Pablo? What’s up with that?

Final thoughts – I love Lucy! Was a great TV show and “Free Spirit” Lucy is a great TV character. While she’ll never be the Bachelorette, she’d be great on “The Bachelor Pad”…We get a preview of the new Sunday night Bach show. According to Chris Harrison, “We’ll catch up with America’s favorite Bachelor couples.” So no Roberto and Ali I guess?…Holy crap, Trista and Ryan have been married for 10 years?!? That’s crazy…During the preview for next week’s episode we hear Elise call Chelsie “a little girl.” Looks like that 1st grade teacher has claws!…We also see the bachelorettes getting angry about seeing JP kissing other women. Guess he didn’t listen to Sean’s advice.

See you all next week!

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