Another season of Survivor is in the books and I think a good way to end it on my end is to give a good ole fashioned report card for all the players. Players are graded on their gameplay, memorability, possibility of becoming an All-Star, and if they played to win. So just because Kim won, doesn’t mean she gets an automatic A because winning doesn’t mean she had good gameplay, was memorable or even played to win. (Spoiler Alert: She’s got nothing to worry about; she’s getting an A+.)
Kourtney Moon: F-. It’s a tough grade Kourtney, but unfortunately you didn’t “survive” the first episode. But I also think you may have been voted out first anyway. Despite the idiotic twist of returning players that had to leave because of injuries, I doubt you will be one of them.
Nina Acosta: D+. Obviously you are going to get a bad grade since you were the first person actually voted out, but your speech to Chelsea showed you had a lot of heart and perhaps if Chelsea would have listened to you, the women would have fared better this season. Oh wait…
Matt Quinlan: C. So a C is a pretty high grade for someone with such bad gameplay as Matt. But he played to win, was maybe the most memorable third player out in Survivor history (him or Billy Garcia) and actually could be brought back again.
Bill Posley: C-. I mean being the guy that gets voted out after you win immunity is always going to hurt your grade right? But this time it may have helped him because he turned into a very memorable and sympathetic figure. I could see Bill being asked back, but I hope not because he did not play to win. Obviously.
Monica Culpepper: C-. Monica never was in a dominant alliance, yet still got blindsided which is pretty rare. She has an extremely outside chance to be brought back again and played to win, but I don’t think too many people will remember Monica from One World.
Colton Crumbled: A. Colton is probably going to be on next season; he’s extremely memorable, possibly the biggest Survivor villain of all time and obviously played to win. He didn’t survive and his gameplay wasn’t great since he probably would have made too many enemies to get the necessary votes to win. But, still, much like Russell or Parvati, Survivor fans will know exactly who you mean when you say Colton. He deserves an A.
Master Jonas: C-. Jonas, you moved from an F to a C- with the making them call you Master request. You would have lost the minus if you didn’t tell them you were joking till after. A terrible player who has no chance of ever coming back, admitted to being the gay guy’s bitch…yeesh. But apparently a good cook and all around good guy.
Michael Jefferson: F – -. Dude, when all the girls that owned you were talking over your dead torch, the only thing they could say about you was, “Big Mike.” You gave some speech about playing the game honestly, as if that’s a badge of honor. Kim lied her freaking guts out and is a million dollars richer because of it. You get the F because you f’d up so many times. You get the double minus for agreeing to go to Tribal after you won. I want to know, how you thought this would benefit you in the slightest? The pig they tried to kill has a better chance of being on again than you. If you want to go to a reunion party they probably will think you are a fan stalking Chelsea, because you are so unmemorable.
Jay Byars: D. I have a soft spot for Jay, so that’s why he doesn’t get a worse grade. I think he is somewhat memorable, kind of played to win, and has an extremely outside shot of being asked to play again. But his pitiful gameplay and his overall dupability made it tough to get him to the Cs. And if you question me about him playing to win, I’m going to be forced to agree with you that he didn’t, so just let me have this one, ok?
Leif: F. I can’t pick on Leif for his gameplay, because I honestly don’t’ think he had any. Not sure if Leif fully understood where he was, or if he was kidnapped and drugged. Being a little person he will be remembered, and therefore may be asked to play again (though I severely doubt it). But just one of the worst players of all time.
Troyzan: A begrudging B. I don’t like America loving you, Troyzan. I’m fairly certain my cousin Diana has a little crush on you but is afraid to tell me. She should be. You had amazingly awful gameplay, you were severely duped by Kim, and though you eventually woke up and put the puzzle together, you still couldn’t convince Alicia, Jay, or Christina why they would be wise to vote with you. You are possibly the most overrated player in Survivor history.
But on the other hand, I loved your episode. You have a catchphrase, “This is my Island” that you blatantly stole from the Irish guy in Braveheart, and I respect that. You were a fiery competitor and I think will absolutely be asked to play again. I view you as Coach-like in that I think you were a terrible player, but will have a great chance to win when you return. Although I thought you sucked for 95% of the episodes, your positives kind of outweigh the negatives.
Kat Edorsson: B. So many positives and negatives for Young Kat. Her gameplay of do whatever Kim says hurts her score, but she was extremely memorable, was a good athlete, and will probably be invited back. She kinda/sorta in a way played to win, though not really since she was never going to turn on Kim. Her speech about the heart surgeries was touching, but I found her “turn to the jury and tell them what to do” extremely annoying. Who the hell are you to tell those other dullards what to do?
The good news for you is you know what you did wrong. You don’t need me to tell you, and if you ever come back I’m sure you will play much harder and play to win from the start. Though I’m fairly certain you will get voted out much earlier.
Tarzan: C. Yeah, Tarzan was extremely memorable, and showed the world what a great sense of humor Jeff Probst has, but if Jonas was Colton’s bitch, Tarzan was Kim’s. Much like Johnny Fairplay, he idiotically bragged about being the “last man standing” as if that’s an impressive feat. Dude, you let yourself get owned by chicks. I’m supposed to high-five you or something?
You, more than any player in the history of the game, did not play to win and though with six players left, I did think your strategy towards Kim was pretty smart, you didn’t let Alicia know you were playing Kim. Aaaaaarrrggghhh why does America love you and Troyzan?!?!? I can begrudgingly live with Troy coming back to play, but you better never step afoot on another Survivor Island!
Alicia Rosa: D+. Alicia, you are the most delusional player to ever play the game, outside of maybe Rupert. I do think you are somewhat memorable, and I also horrifically think there is a small to decent chance you will play this game again. But you had horrible gameplay. You knew Tarzan was what gave you power, yet you threw it down the drain. What were you thinking? And news flash, if you were sitting next to Kim, you would’ve gotten smoked honey. Yeah, I just honeyed you. In the end, you were the only other woman with a chance to win this game, if you went with Tarzan and Christina. And you weren’t smart enough to put the puzzle together. If you ever talk about Kat’s or Christina’s lack of intelligence, please re-watch this season.
Christina Cha: C. Everyone knows I like Christina, mostly because she is friendly to her fans on Twitter and I respect that. I also appreciate how she could help Colton in his time of need, even after he wanted to burn her. (Though I would have been dancing while he was in pain, but I’m sort of a scumbag)
But to be fair, Christina didn’t play to win, she played to survive. And she actually gets an A for that part of her game. She didn’t go nuts everytime someone told her to vote one way and everyone else voted the other. She held her composure during the whole Alicia/Colton bullying. She was more mentally tough than most people would be, and if she snapped she would have been voted out sooner. Much like Nina and Monica, she was on the outs and never in a dominant alliance, so there weren’t too many times she had any power.
However there were a few times she should have tried to make a move, even at the expense of possibly being voted out.
As for Probst killing her for “giving up,” I wasn’t a fan of that. I do wish she would have explained to Kim why she should stay, but I also get the not begging part, since her fate was sort of sealed. Its not like Kim didn’t realize the benefits to keeping Christina.
In the end, she seems like a lot better person than Survivor player, and is that a bad thing?
Chelsea Meissner: C+. Chelsea started off the game right by capturing both chickens, and not giving any to the guys. And then it was 39 days of listening to Kim. There really wasn’t much of a difference between your game and Christina’s. I hope you can honestly look at your gameplay and realize you were playing for second place, and even lost that.
You had one of the most confusing jury speeches of all time and it makes me think you used Amanda, who blew two Final Tribal speeches as your lifeline. You kept complimenting Kim at FT and deservingly lost any votes that might have been in play for you.
I do think you may get invited back, and I do think you are kind of memorable.
Sabrina Thompson: C plus/minus. Brooooooklyn in theeeeee houuusssseeee!!! Sab as she was affectionately called, reminded me of Earl, except Earl was smart enough to get rid of Yau Man (the person who dominated the game) and win Survivor, instead of coming in second place. I loved your early athletic mindset, and hated your admission of tanking at challenges. Why would anyone respect that and vote for you. Would you respect that?
Queen Kim: A++. I thought I was just going to give her an A+, but added the extra + for her FT poker reference. You see I’ve been nitpicking her “mistakes” since she got power, but I have to look back and think, maybe she just had an amazing read on her opponents. And make no mistake, Kim viewed Chelsea and Sabrina as her opponents. Kim gave a very good to great final tribal, as she was honest and even said what I’ve been dying to hear from some Survivor since Boston Rob in All-Stars, that she wouldn’t take back any of the lying she did.
She dominated physically and mentally and if you call her the best first time Survivor of all time, I think you’d be right. I would have loved to see the Colton/Kim battle, and am upset we missed out on a classic. Kim would have won.
Another regret, I wish Kim would have lost the last immunity to see if any of the girls would have been smart enough to vote her out. They wouldn’t have.
Her decision not to take Christina was brilliant, because it would have shown the jury that she had no soul.
I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Rob for letting me write this blog. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Here’s my bi-weekly forced compliment. Rob is a encouraging, nice guy, who never in a million years would have played so poorly after the merge as everyone but Kim did.
I’d also like to thank everyone who commented, especially Damnbueno, who taught me how little I knew about past Survivor seasons.
I’d also like to thank my coworker and editor, Kerry. I write for free and she edits for cupcakes.
And one more thank you…much props to my cousin Diana for reading all of my blogs and Facebook’ing me the next day with, “What did you think?” I watched the finale with my mom, cousins, brother and my six nieces and nephew. I’m pretty sure there aren’t too many shows that can have a whole family sitting down watching together. Sadly, I’m also pretty sure most families have smarter kids than the ones my brother and sister raised, because six out of seven of them bet me $1 that Kim wouldn’t win when it was final tribal time. (Props to Amy for not betting me!) Then they went double or nothing that Kim wouldn’t win player of the year. I’m absolutely taking their money and donating to my favorite charity. The Richie Glanzer Fund.
Now back to the game.
I’m really upset Survivor is going back to the old castaways angle. I mean we saw Kim and Colton shine, and that just won’t hpen with returning castaways.
I could not believe the mistake that Jeff Probst made when he asked Matt what was he thinking going to tribal council after they won immunity. But he turned a devastating negative into an absolute positive with his recovery. Stellar work Probst. If I gave away buffs like you do, you’d get one for that.
I’m ordering the dudes in charge of Survivor challenges to watch MTV’s The Challenge. Those contests are always physical, and way cooler than having an arm tied behind your back and putting fake scales on a fake fish. Here’s a hint: if you did this challenge in little Johnny’s third grade birthday party, you may want to come up with a challenge that adults think are tough.