Survivor Kaoh Rong

Survivor: Women’s Suffrage

Welcome back, everybody. As we head into tonight, I want to touch on a point that I made at the end of last week’s column that got some reaction: Did the producers this year cast this season with the intention of trying to produce a female winner? My thesis or theory is that, yes, they did and do try to tip the scales towards trying to get a female to win. Is tilting the scales a full-proof plan? Obviously not, but I think they can cast a certain way to get the odds in that favor. I want you to humor me for a second and go with the premise that the producers this season wanted to have a female winner– which type of males would you try to cast to get that outcome?

You would overcast certain archetypes, personality, and physical types. You can’t cast any men who, on paper at least, have what would be considered the full package of tools: physical game and social game. Everybody thinks he can read other people well so the producers (again, humor me) could cast this season with the Scots, Calebs and the Kyles of the world whom they know might be beasts in the competitions, but will be weak when it comes to playing sophisticated social games in Survivor. You would cast socially awkward people like Tai, Nick or Peter who could be determined not to be built to win in just a meeting. Finally, maybe you cast weaker men like Neal whom you know just don’t have the look of a Survivor winner. Then you cast an older man, and older men seem to go far in Survivor, but they never seem to see the last second blindside that takes them out every time….which I’m sure at some point will happen to Joe.

That leaves the casting of the women. For the women, you need to cast intelligent women whom you know won’t turn camp into a bad episode of Bad Girls Club:

You get a good blend of women in their late 20’s to early 40’s who can hold their own physically, and more importantly, play a good social  game and bam that is what they did with the casting this year. You could say that they do this every year, but I would argue that there are 4-5 females that seem to be loaded with Survivor talent this season. Maybe this whole theory is just one big impulsive thought and in a couple of weeks I will be singing another tune, but right now I’m saying this season will be won by one of the girls. With that said, it’s 8 pm, Portland, Oregon time and let’s get into tonight’s episode:

8 pm

We start with the recap of last week’s episode, and the demise of Darnell who got booted ahead of “I look like I’m on crystal meth at Tribal Council tonight” Alecia…Let’s just all move on from last week, shall we?

8:02

We start with the Brawn tribe in real time, reliving the vote. Scot in a hostile tone asked Alecia: “Now do you trust us?”…which, of course, she does… I mean, she was an inch away from her Survivor life being terminated and being the first one voted out, but yeah, she definitely probably feels like she is in a good place, Scot.

Alecia shares that she caught people changing their minds at Tribal, and quite frankly, Kyle and Jennifer are already starting to second guess their decision.

8:04

Next, we join the Beauty tribe as everybody is playing in the water but Tai who wants to go idol hunting again. He is really pushing his luck here, but I guess you really can’t blame him since he already got caught– might as well go for broke.

8:05

Tai finds a clue to the idol and a key, where he has to climb some tree to find a box that contains the idol. They should have decoy boxes with horrific things in them to make the players second guess opening any of them. “What’s in the box..What’s in the box?!”

8:07

Commercial break: Okay, not to get into politics but can we talk about the Republican race for the nomination? I mean, nothing to do with politics at all, but isn’t it concerning that Ted Cruz looks like an alien that has taken over a human body from one of the Men In Black movies mixed with a Stephen King character, possessed by a demonic force that nobody realizes until it’s too late? There is just something really creepy about that guy…and I’m sorry, even if he found a cure for cancer I would still think there was something nefarious behind it.

Marco Rubio looks like a programmed robot. Like, literally, if Haley Joel Osment’s character in A.I.  had Latin genes programmed in, and it aged to a middle-aged adult, it would be Marco Rubio:

He should go on stage with Teddy next caucus he goes to, and I guarantee it will boost his numbers by at least 10%, and at this point, what does he have to lose?

Every time I see Trump speak, I think: “Where in the hell is Christopher Walken to save us?” Because if we’re not careful we are going to be left with this as the future of our country:

8:10

Back from commercial and we join the Brains as Neal starts a fire and everybody claps and nerds out…Go Brains!

The Brains are getting snippety about the water and how it is handled by Debbie and grubby hands. President Obama, Peter, tries to play peacemaker, but right now, people are too escalated to listen to reason. Nerd tribe is getting ugly.

Obama Peter likes the idea of keeping Debbie around simply for the reason that she has zero social skills and potentially could be the greatest human Survivor shield for somebody ever.

8:13

Back to the Beauties who are enjoying their time at camp together like they’re at a work team-building retreat. We’re like one scene away from them doing “trust drops” with each other.

Caleb shows some of his likeable side, as he tells us that he was cool with Tai cuddling up to him when he was cold. Maybe CBS is really pushing for us to like Caleb after his dismal portrayal last week.

8:14

Ten seconds after that sweet moment, we get Caleb and Tai in a conflict over killing a bee. Watch out. CBS may be looking to reboot another new Odd Couple starring Caleb and Tai. Can’t you just see the opening credits? Cue 80’s sitcom music.

Cue 80’s sitcom music: Tai and Caleb ride a two-seated bicycle on a beach sidewalk when Caleb notices a pretty girl and turns around to check her out. That leads to them crashing into the sand and Tai then gives Caleb one of those “Oh, Caleb” looks. Tai cleans up the kitchen almost spotless until he notices Caleb drinking milk straight from the carton. Next, a shot of Caleb on a couch kissing a girl about to round second base, but then the camera zooms out and we see Tai sitting on the couch, too. Caleb looks at the camera with an “I just can’t win” face.

I’m telling you I can see this show already happening.

8:15

Commercial break:

Okay, let’s have an honest and frank discussion. When did rock and roll music officially die? 1996…1997? I know people got excited for a month when The Killers first came out with their two big songs that sound exactly the same and everybody pretended to like The Shins after watching Garden State, but seriously what the hell has happened to music? How did this happen? I know there are some bands that a small section of the country likes, like The Black Keys or Mumford and Sons, but I’m a 35-year-old white male and I can’t name a single song by either band nor are there any rock songs on my playlist that came out after the 1990’s. I like to think I’m somewhat in tune with pop culture, and music is a part of that, but I honestly wonder if rock and roll is dead. Maybe I’ve turned old.

8:19

Back with the Brains as the tribe is in disarray after the kerosene jar got spilled accidentally by Joe. Joe is getting a little snappy towards Liz, as he feels like she is over-the-top with how smart she is trying to prove she is.

Liz shares that she just really needs some water and a nice fire to regroup. It’s getting emotional with the Brains right now….We should give them all some space.

8:21

We go to the Brawn tribe as they are all struggling as well. Kyle looks like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Lobster right now with his sunburn.

Alecia gives us a pep talk in a very manic presentation. She tells us that she is going to prove her worth by starting a fire.

Next CBS decides to sandbag Alecia’s whole fire-making campaign by showing us that 2 hours has elapsed and still no fire. Then, they show five hours have elapsed and still no fire….

Alecia finally gets the fire started and it appears to have scored some points with the rest of the team. By score points, I mean she will literally be the next one voted out the next time the Brawns go to Tribal Council.

8:25

Commercial Break:

Do you know what new development I’m not a huge fan of that has been coming on strong lately on Facebook and Instagram?  The specific hashtag for people’s weddings. Clearly, this is a women’s thing where it’s like the kid thing on Facebook– where everybody has to pretend to be all-in about that person’s wedding and everybody has to pretend to the bride that it’s the most important event in everybody’s lives right now.  Every female friend of that person by law has to comment that it’s the “most beautiful wedding I’ve ever been to” even though the same thing was said about the five other friends who have gotten married over the last two years, too. Girl etiquette on social media sites is vomit inducing. You know what I want to see when I click on one of the wedding hashtags? I want to see one inappropriate speech by a groomsman and I want to see 3-4 blacked-out white people dancing awkwardly. That’s all. The pre-wedding bridesmaids getting their makeup and hair done photos you can save for your photo album please, because trust me when I say, we get it–it’s a special day for you. Let’s just leave it at that. You know what guys do at weddings? We secretly drink more, band together in a covert military mission to get scores of sporting events and try to leave as soon as possible…even if we’re in the wedding have a good time.

8:29

We’re back and it’s time for the Immunity Challenge. Everybody is so hot and tired that nobody even pretends to act astonished that Darnell was voted out last week when Jeff announces it. Normally, we get at least one person who does his/her best Rick Schroder in The Champ impression, but like I said, it’s too hot this day apparently.

8:30

Reward tonight is the trademark Survivor fishing gear and a boat..I’m saying retail value $30 dollars… with the boat, $250.

Everybody has to run in the water and grab a goddamn log and drag it across the ocean. Everybody looks either disinterested or annoyed as they go through the challenge…I guess it doesn’t help that Debbie is standing on a perch “cheerleading” loudly for the Brains.

8:35

In the giant slingshot final chapter of this competition, Caleb wins it for the Beauty tribe.

President Peter Obama gets second place for the Brains tribe and the Brawn tribe is headed back to Tribal for the second episode in a row.

The Brawn tribe is so bad that the producers are probably going to panic and shake up the teams before they do something rash next episode…

8:38

Commercial Break:

Anyone else see Deadpool yet? Look, I’m not a comic book guy, so maybe I’m not the target audience, but what was the deal with the X-Men tie-in with two random characters from it? It felt very shoehorned in the movie and it feels like whoever owns the X-Men was like: “Here, you can have these two shitty characters that nobody cares about or ever pretends to be interested in for your little movie”. (Cue to people reading this and me getting hostile messages below this column. Entertaining movie, but (and I know this is cliché) doesn’t Ryan Reynolds basically play Ryan Reynolds in literally every movie that he is in? And is Ryan Reynolds such a tour de force that he can just play Ryan Reynolds in every movie and get away with it? I say no. Deadpool has made a shitload of money, so I’ll just shut up anyways.

8:41

Back from commercial and Scot is saying that he is secure and would be shocked if anybody but Alecia goes tonight.

8:42

Alecia with the worst acting ever, tells the Brawns that she is going for a walk when everybody knows she is going idol hunting. The producers might want to keep her in the game so maybe they will “point her “ in the right direction.

Jennifer is sick of Kyle and wants to vote him out. She approaches Alecia and Cydney about forming a girls’ alliance.

8:44

Scot gives Kyle the kiss of death by telling him that he is 100% percent safe. Maybe the producers are just trying to build drama because Alecia for sure is the move to make tonight. Seems a little early to make a big move against Kyle tonight.

8:45

Tribal time and Jeff goes straight to Alecia who is feeling like she is safe right now.

Jennifer stupidly admits that she has been debating at camp about what move to make. The Brawns not only suck in competitions, but they suck at this too, as it’s crazy time right now at Tribal. The only person not acting crazy is Cydney who, before the show started, said that she has three or four personalities.

Jennifer says the “pain” is Scot and Kyle not trusting her, and to be frank, Jennifer is acting cray cray here. She is grasping at straws for sympathy with Scot and Kyle.

8:52

This leads to the craziest moment by one person in Tribal history as Jennifer inexplicably stands up and begs for Scot and Kyle to give her another chance. Just for the record, this is the person I picked to win this season.

8:53

We go to the votes:

Jenny

Alecia

Alecia

Jenny

Second person voted out this season: Jennifer. Wow! I mean, wow! Has anybody in the history of Survivor talked themselves more into getting voted out of the game than Jennifer just did? I mean, that was painful to watch. Like seriously, that felt wrong to watch.

Recap:

Okay, so Jennifer I guess really did deserve to go because that was the worst thing I have ever seen. I can’t even describe it or find the right words to describe how awful she was at Tribal. I think she really could have gone far in the game and actually maybe could have won it, but she imploded. That was the Hindenburg of Tribal Council performances. I don’t even know where to go from here; it was that jarring. We need to wait for a few days to pass before we can honestly put that Tribal in proper perspective.

Even after watching that episode, I’m still sticking with my theory that this season will be won by a female, but my lord, did tonight really hurt my argument! What we know right now is that the Beauty tribe appears to be the most cohesive, positive team this season. We know the Brains are a bunch of  whiny wimps ready to implode at any time. We know the Brawn tribe is a walking dumpster fire. Has anybody really distinguished

Has anybody really distinguished himself/herself so far this season? In these three-team scenarios early on we normally only see the trainwreck teams, so it’s tough to know from the team doing the best how the pecking order is really setting up. It will get real interesting for the Beauty tribe, though, if Tai can get his hands on an idol, but this season it looks like to get an idol, you will have to complete an Indiana Jones-like gauntlet to get it.

I just don’t know what to think right now. I need some help. Who does everybody have as their top 3 power rankings? Let me know down below and thanks for reading!

Become a patron of RHAP