Survivor running diary slash stream of consciousness
Welcome back to Survivor. I’m excited for this season. Here at Robhasawebsite we are doing a fantasy pool. I drafted Garrett with my number one pick. Clearly Garrett is a shoe-in to make it to the at least the final five right? Anyway for this episode I with the always popular, running diary/stream of consciousness, filled with many grammar errors. Let’s get right into the show!
Here we go! I guess survivor found another hacky gimmick for this season with the brains vs. brawn vs. beauty thing.
We meet some of the brain team first. Were told the average IQ on the team is 130 or higher. I took an IQ test and scored a 128, granted it was a three minute test online and I think it had a sports question in it.
We meet Spencer who is self-proclaiming to be a diabolical genius. Forgive me, but I don’t agree with that self-assessment. He looks like one of the brothers involved in Sean Penn’sdaughter’s murder in Mystic Pizza..oops sorry Mystic River.
David: There’s the guy who is literally getting booed right now in the state of Florida for fleecing money from the people in the city of Miami to build a new ball park and then promptly building the biggest monstrosity in baseball history. Then he sold off all their best players to cut payroll. Like I said on the podcast last week, the new stadium looks like something from this Beetlejuicescene at the 1:32 mark when somebody hits a homerun.
We now meet the beauty team and hey Morgan-my future wife is here! Seriously, I think she will be cool with a social worker that makes just under 40K a year. I mean, I help kids get of drugs. People use words like “hero” and “saint”, but I’m just a regular dude, don’t put me up on that pedestal.
Is Jeremiah on the beauty tribe or the Deliverance tribe?
Cliff Robinson-Former Portland Trailblazer starts strong this season with, “I’ve always played for bread and meat, I don’t win I don’t eat”. Good rule of thumb there Uncle Cliffy!
Tony: Not to be out done, Tony tries to steal Cliffs thunder with, “Were going to stomp on beauty, and were going to stomp on smarts”. I think Lincoln said that first right?
Jeff Probst officially kicks off this season by standing on the rock that Tom Hanks was going to commit suicide on in Cast Away.
Kass: We meet Kass. She shows us a little wit…I can feel the charisma from here. Kass in all the pre-interviews talked about not wanting to share the fact that she’s a lawyer. I mean being a lawyer is a cool profession, but it’s not like she’s James Bond or anything. Is being a lawyer really something she needs to hide?
L.J pisses this writer off by picking future Morgan Gallagher for whatever contrived thing Jeff is about to announce.
Jeff: I love when Jeff puts words in the players mouth, which he does when he announces that the three people picked to scope out the new digs are not being exiled or taking out of the game stating:
“ The players are thinking what did we just do?!!!” Really Jeff, are they really thinking “what did we just do”, because I’m guessing there all pooping there pants because it’s their first minute playing a reality TV game. I don’t think there thinking they just threw away their shot at winning this game.
Garrett, who I picked to win the game for some idiotic reason, quickly guns for the idol. Proof that I’m horrible at picking people to win to this game. I feel stupid.
Trisha-Decides to pass up on finding the idol, why? I think this will come back to haunt her. She looks like the prototype angry jury member that asks the real aggressive question but won’t wait for a response.
Morgan-Goes for the idol as a big F you to L.J. That’s right babe, F you L.J!
Garrett finds the idol; I knew I was smart for picking him to win the game! I just have a knack for these things. Is it me or does Garrett kind of look like a late night skinamax actor? Not that I would know…
L.J- Dude..lay off my girl. Nobody talks about Morgan like that when I’m around.
Brice-Are skinny purple jeans the best thing to bring for the game of Survivor, granted I’ve never played before. Maybe it’s a silent shout out to the creepy purple monster from McDonald’s Grimace?
I think Cliff should have worn his Portland Trailblazers jersey, with headband and wrist bands. Nobody would have been against this right? How many calories is he going to need to survivor out here? It feels like they might need to hunt and kill a gazelle or something for him.
Sarah starts interrogating Tony. Tony’s not breaking. Sarah has a certain look in her eyes that scares me. In the podcast I compared the look in her eyes to Rebecca De Mornay’s in The Hand That Rocks The Cradle and for now I’m sticking with it.
Spencer is clearly the Doogie Houser of the tribe. I hope he gets the opportunity to write a daily diary on a 1989 computer like Doogie.
How great would it be if he had to do this and it would be posted online everyday! Who wouldn’t want to read Spencer’s daily Survivor diary set to the Doogie Houser music?
J’Tia- Takes the lead on the shelter building montage scene. The most impressive aspect of this was that she single handily turned everybody on her tribe against her, not in easy feat in the first twenty minutes of the first episode of the season. I think after watching 18 hours of Flip this house Boston I’m almost positive I can get that shelter built under budget and sold within 72 hours.
Kass- Is not happy with this shelter building, people better watch out, because this brains camp has the feel of San Quentin prison and Kass may shank somebody just to make a point to everyone else.
Immunity idol Monkey thing looks really scary.
Jeff Probst is really letting the brain-tribe have it for not being able to figure out the Ben Her cart competition. He’s almost like the abusive coach from Rutgers University.
How great would that be if Jeff started throwing pieces of the competition at the players he is displeased with?
Beauty tribe wins the first of eighty seven puzzle competitions for this season, congrats. I get it that puzzles are cool for competitions, but can’t they mix it up a little? Maybe a giant Sudoku puzzle or maybe a word finder?
Commercial- Does anybody want to get hopped up on some Latuda and make some bad decisions?
Is Two and a Half Men still on the air? That kid has to be in his thirty’s by now, right? Sitcoms are basically dead it seems? Seriously, what was the last great studio audience sitcom? Seinfeld? Some people might say Friends, and I would say shut up to those people.
Clearly David is trying to call the shots, but Kass objects and apparently for now that objection is sustained..thank you John Grisham.
Kass looks right into J’Tia’s eyes and says she voting her off, and then call’s her out for resting for three days and not helping around camp. I’m not an expert in reading body language, but I’m guessing J’Tia does not see eye to eye with Kass on this.
Garrett – Shut up; don’t get the heat turned on you. Oh god..he’s freaking out about a spider. My pick is looking great. Seriously I just want to do this:
Kass is kind of stepping on Jeff’s toes with the teal shirt. I wonder if he will pull her aside after this tribal is over and ask her to change, or strip the sleeves off in a disrespectful manner.
A burst of thunder and Jeff claims “The survivor gods are speaking” I bet there saying, this tribe is horrible when can we get CBS to merge them?
Commercial- What are we calling Puff Daddy these days? Puffy, P Diddy, Diddy, D? Can we just decide once and for all right now?
Commercial: Wow! James Van Der Beek is back on TV! Do you think he helped the Navy Seals get Katie Holmes free from the cell she was locked in at Tom Cruises house? Apparently he’s on a new show with E from Entourage. I like how on Entourage E was supposed to be a tough guy kind of and he can’t be taller than 5’3. Sorry short people, your just not that tough.
David is gone first!! Let’s go live to Miami for a reaction:
Garrett and Spencer appear to be forming a two man alliance which actually seems like a smart play. This might be the best duo or partnership since Tango and Cash.
Garrett: All right everybody in the Garrett whiny voice..ready? 1.2.3 “I don’t want to play survivor to survive in the wilderness”…..OMG.
Kass partakes in a real awkward handshake with Garrett and Spencer, both literally and figuratively.
Cliff and Woo on the Canoe together may have been the highlight of the show this episode..Then it tipped and I thought we were going to have a Titanic situation with Cliff giving Woo a makeshift raft to float with while Cliff freezes to death…close call.. I think these two might actually be the duo to watch out for. Woo and Cliff staring in Survivor 2 Electric Boogaloo.
Brice is a little Colton-ish right…saying that doesn’t make me a bad person right….right?……let’s just move on….I mean personality wise….ok, I’ll drop it.
Lindsay-Shocking development, some of the girls on the brawn tribe aren’t getting long. Lindsay takes offense for being told by Trish to get wood for the shelter. Lindsay quickly devolves into mocking Trish’s appearance. Keep it classy Brawn tribe.
Tony- Builds a “spy shack”? Is this a survivor first? Tony already looks like he’s starting to snap. I don’t think were that far away from this:
Would the producers get involved if Tony has a machete? What if somebody falls asleep at the wheel and the camera’s pick up Tony dragging a body into the spy shack..would that be a survivor first?
Commerical: Blossom is on Big Bang Theory? Is her brother Tony still on the wagon? Is Joey still pursuing a professional baseball career? Did her friend Six inevitably end up as a strip..exotic dancer?
So the next immunity challenge is underway and let’s just says that J’Tia is not exactly Michael Phelps in the water.
Jeff- What’s the over under for how many times this season that Jeff Probst screams to a team that is clearly not in this “Your still in this” I say forty seven times…
No way the Brains team can come in third place again, no way.
Then of course J’Tia chokes on the puzzle in horrific fashion and the beauty team that was way behind the whole race comes back and claims second place. J’Tia was doing that puzzle likeJigsaw was asking her…”Do you want to play a game?”
Tony- Finds the idol clue, because apparently everybody on the brawn tribe has never watched a season of Survivor, because nobody else on that tribe has an inkling that a clue might be in that basket? Did the other members of tribe just think he was being really thorough?
Tony finds the idol. His idol looks like the medallion that helped the Goonies find One-eyed Willies treasure.
The Brain’s team gets strong-armed into having a town hall meeting. Everybody but Garrett looks thoroughly confused by this development.
Garrett tries to put the kybosh on side conversations. Its marshal law on the brains team. Tasha rightly calls out Garrett for his whining and trying to rule the game.
J’Tia has to go right? I mean granted Garrett is being whiny and lame, but J’tia has been a train-wreck this first episode and so this should be an easy choice you would think.
Commercial: There’s another 300 movie? How many slow-motion- guy- jumping- with- a- sword moments will there be in the movie? Speaking of 300 did you know that Gerald Butler is going to play the Patrick Swayze role in the remake of Point Break? Ya their remaking Point Break, how lame is that? I think Gary Busey should reprise is role as Pappas:
Spencer looks like he was just told he fathered Octomom’s next child when Garrett is explaining his rational for no side convos.
Kass and Tasha break protocol and scheme together. This is starting to feel like the girls are going to flip and Garrett and Spencer are toast. God I hope I’m wrong.
J’tia- Creepily laughs and throws the rice in the fire. Always a good move when you’re fighting for your survivor life. I swear to god, there’s no way she survives tribal tonight right? I mean she just threw the rice into the fire…If that happened on the brawn tribe I feel like Toney would have murdered her in his spy fort thingy.
Garrett: literally unraveling at tribal council…proof I’m an idiot for picking him to win this game. Why is he acting like he’s spent six months in an interment camp? Omg what is Garrett talking about? Quick, one of the producers standing off camera, shoot a blow dart at his neck, please!
Please get to the vote Jeff…Spencer might have to pull a Jack Ruby on Garrett.
I have a feeling that Kass and Tasha are really going to annoy me this season.
And now Garrett talked himself into getting voted out. Wow…What a turn of events. I have no idea what just happened. Somehow the girl who snapped and poured all the food into the fire is less crazy and more stable to have in the game then Garrett, who just had the worst tribal council in the history of Survivor.
So that sucked. This first episode gives me the vibe that the females are going to dominate this season. They seem to be the more cunning, savvy players this season. I hope I’m wrong, because nobody wants a strong female season….right…..right? Sh*T….Ok see you next week.