Hey, welcome back! I’m honored that I get to be the first blogger on here to kick of the season. I always feel like Tom Hanks just returning back to home when writing the first post of the new season, trying to recalibrate myself, so please bear with me:
I’m glad Survivor is coming back on tonight. When we did the preview blog last week (http://robhasawebsite.com/survivor-worlds-apart-the-bloggers-roundtable-preview/), I picked Joaquin to win this season. I think the past three seasons the person I chose to win the game has been eliminated within the first two episodes. Seriously, think about it… think about the odds of how hard winner really is to do. Basically, I have the power to ruin a player’s game even though it was filmed, edited and produced six months ago. The power of my jinx runs that deep. I’m like the Survivor version of Barbara Hershey. The black widow in The Natural. I’m really hoping my streak of jinxing player’s fates in this game comes to in end this season but I think it’s going to be tough because I picked a feast or famine type of player in Joaquin. Just keep an eye on Joaquin these first couple of episodes and hope he stays in the game. Another player to watch for is this guy Vince who, like I said in the preview post, literally looks like the love child of Coach (from Survivor) and Fabio (the older model not the stoner kid who inexplicably won Survivor one season). I think he could potentially go down as one of the douchiest players in the history of Survivor. I don’t want to jump the gun but keep an eye on Vince. We might get to watch something truly great happening this season.
I’m excited and its just about 8pm in Portland, Oregon. That means its game time!
The reassuring voice of Jeff Probst opens up the season. He narrates the opening scene as all the players are being driven to the game in different off road vehicles.
First, we meet Max, the college professor, big fan and blogger of Survivor. He is wearing a yellow collared shirt that is completely unbuttoned. This might be an amateur question but why do some players always show up wearing collared shirts? Do the producers make them show up in “character”? Wouldn’t you want to show up in the most comfortable clothes possible? I’m surprised every woman who plays doesn’t show up in yoga pants with a Starbucks cup. Maybe it’s the ex-boxer in me but I think I would show up dressed like Mike Tyson circa 1986 to try to get an early mental edge in the game.
Jeff explains the gimmick for this year. The players are divided by blue collar, white collar and no collar (or, whatever collar it was when the producers spotted you at a bar and thought your good looking so they threw you into a game even though you’ve never watched an episode of Survivor… personally, my favorite collar).
We get our first Vince quote, “I seek truth. I live a life where I’m guided by my own decisions. There are just no rules for me. My personality is a lot like surfing a wave (takes deep breath) so let me surf this wave for a second.” Somewhere, Keanu Reeves nods in approval.
We meet the rest of the players through a serious of cliché awful one liners. Each player tells us why they are going to win. Its always fun to watch the highly scripted first fifteen minutes of any Survivor season with people reading their lines from a cue card off camera.
Everybody joins Jeff at the beach. Jeff explains the gimmick once again. Jeff explains to the viewers, in the most condescending way possible, the difference with each of the collars. Yes, Jeff, we get what blue collar means. Does the winning collar player really mean anything? Are there blue collar people getting together right now rooting for the blue collar players? Didn’t Survivor do a race war with the Cook island season? I missed that season.
Dan from the blue collar team makes some rehearsed speech about the blue collar people of America building America with their blood, sweat and tears. Everybody in the game looks horrified while Dan is talking.
Carolyn speaks up for the white collars. My boy Joaquin brings it all home when he says “My 9-5 doesn’t define me.” I nod vigorously, thinking, “Please don’t be the first one out. Please don’t be the first one out.”
Joaquin, Dan and Will get picked to represent each team. Will from the no-collar team promises his team sandwiches. Is there a TOGO’s on the island this season?
One more player from each team gets picked. Jeff gives each team a very contrived name, gives them a map and sends us into commercial for the first time this season.
I finally got around to watching the movie Whiplash last night. Did anybody else think that JK Simmons was going to turn into his Neo-Nazi character from the prison show Oz at any moment? (Warning explicit)
I kept waiting for him to grab the lead the character and sodomize him after a slip up with one of the musical numbers. It made the movie viewing really tense to say the least. He really did deserve to win the Oscar in my opinion; he was great in the movie.
Speaking of the Oscars, let’s say your Patricia Arquette, you just won an Oscar for your performance in Boyhood, the next project you do is this:
Seriously watch that trailer a few more times and see how angry you can get. How many more CSI’s are we going to get in this lifetime? Can we vote to revoke Patricia Arquette’s Oscar?
We are back from commercial and greeted by the different tribes going to their camps. We join the no-collars and their Burning Man camp vibe.
Nina shares with no-collars that she is deaf. Everybody sees the camera looking for reaction shots so everybody make’s sure their supportive faces and supportive body language is in focus.
The two leaders of the no-collar team get presented with the option to feed the tribe with a big bag of beans or a small bag of beans and a clue to the immunity idol. They choose the path of the righteous and decide not to screw over anybody yet.
We join the blue-collar leaders presented with the same question. Mike laughs as he asks Dan if he wants to screw over the blues and take the small bag and the clue. Dan talks him out of it.
They go back to camp and tell the rest of the tribe that they have chosen to not screw them over, but Sierra doesn’t believe them and is already gunning for the Survivor award for “Thinking you are very smart and great at reading people but in reality its day one and you’re already acting like Hunter S Thompson on Mescaline
Yes, I just made up that award. Seriously, I have no investment in Dan or Mike but Sierra is annoying because if you’re this paranoid and overthinking on day one then you’re in over your head.
We join the white collar team as they formally introduce each other like they’re at a Google company retreat.
Joaquin and So go to the bean scenario. Joaquin wants to choose the clue and small bag of beans. So wants to take the big bag of beans. Let’s just say that my Joaquin pick is feeling a little shaky as I have to think this choice is going to be found out before this episode ends.
Commercial break. So, yes, I’m still doing the online dating thing. It’s awesome how mainstream it is now or at least that’s what I tell myself. It’s really is like buying a car online. I can plug in exactly what I’m looking for and the program will spit out some options. I want a 1980-1997 make and model, with hopefully no more than 70,000 miles on it (you don’t want to know what I mean by this), and maybe fully loaded with a five year warranty? The only thing is its really like shopping at a used car lot. You have to be really careful, as the potential to buy a lemon is really high. The best part is, when you look at different pictures of the different people on their profile, for some reason some people decide that they want to present themselves in the most forced, deep-looking way possible. Examples of this are the women who take a selfie of themselves looking at a river or a mountain on a hike. The only thing is they take the selfie pretending like they don’t know they’re being photographed. Meanwhile, they use 5 or 6 filters and an awful look as they try to make you say “Wow, look how deep and grounded this person is. They must be different than most women.” Guaranteed it took five to six deletes for them to get it to look “natural”. Ya, I’m still single.
Back from Commercial. Joaquin and So explain to the camp that there was a third option called “Neutral”. Nobody believes them. So didn’t exactly sell the story to put it lightly.
Shirin, Carolyn and Max form an alliance and immediately want to get rid of Joaquin and So.
For the third time this episode, Dan talks about the Blue Collar mentality…Dan we get it…we get it… Blue Collar people work hard, please no more speeches like you’re reading a Dylan Thomas poem.
Rodney talks to us about wanting to rule the women and take them to the merge. I guess he is going with the Hugh Hefner strategy.
So, Mike decided to eat a Scorpion. Forty seconds later he pukes. That is all I have to say about that.
Back from commercial and we join the No-Collars already in progress:
Jenn tells us that everything is really mellow on the no-collars. Jenn and Vince immediately hit it off. Vince has feathers in his hair. He’s talking to Jenn like I would have guessed Charles Manson talked to his girls pre-Sharon Tate murder.
Vince and Joe immediately get into conflict over the structure of the shelter. Doesn’t Joe seem like a poor man’s Malcolm?
Commercial break. Wow, CBS is really going for it this year as we get a commercial for Victoria’s Secret Swim Suit special featuring Maroon 5. Is there anything Maroon 5 says no to? How many men were watching tonight with their girlfriends as this commercial came on and had to decide in a split second how to react to this commercial with their girlfriend glaring at them?
Back from Commercial with the Blue Collars. They are bickering about how to build the shelter. Dan randomly gets enraged with the ideas of the team on how to build the structure. Everybody is getting fed up with Dan. At least he acknowledges he’s in bad spot. Then out of absolute nowhere he drops his pants and reveals that he is wearing a combination of a thong/speedo thingy. I was not prepared for that.
Joe on the no-collar team wins the heart of each tribe member when he gets the fire started…except for maybe Vince, who awkwardly confronts Jenn asking her if she is attracted to Joe. This is somewhat scary. He is really grilling Jenn hard. This is day one right? He then ends the conversation with a forty second hug.
The White collar shelter is not great and they know it. We quickly go to So looking for the idol without even really hiding the fact that she is looking. Carolyn catches on to this and starts looking for the idol herself and in a short amount of time she finds it.
At this point finding idols in Survivor is like nothing. I don’t think they even need to bother giving out clues anymore, because people just know where to look now. Might they want to make it a little harder moving forward?
Commercial break. So, I think it’s safe to say the smart money on who will be voted out first is a three man race between Dan, Vince and my boy Joaquin. Seriously, if Joaquin gets voted out first then I should get some sort of reward or prize.
Back from commercial and it’s time for our first Immunity challenge of the season. They decide between three different puzzles, each puzzle has different amounts of pieces and difficulty.
Vince struggles and gets asked to step back as Joe takes over. Joe’s life might be in danger because Vince is looking at him very creepily.
Joe saves the day again as he solves the puzzle and wins the comp for the no-collars. Vince might walk over and shank him. I hope the Survivor Security team is monitoring this closely.
Wow…The white collar team blows a huge lead as Shirin can’t solve the puzzle so Max taps in, but it too late as Mike solves the puzzle for the Blue collar team. The white collar team loses. Oh boy, Joaquin better think of something because I think he is in trouble even though Shirin should be voted out on the spot for her pitiful attempt on the easiest of three puzzles.
Commercial Break. We’ve gotten like twelve Amazing Race commercial’s tonight. Doesn’t that show win the Emmy every year for reality TV? Does Jeff Probst think about planting a car-bomb in one of the contestants taxi cab? I mean he has to see himself as the dean of reality of TV hosts and to see somebody walk away with his Emmy year after year has to be hard to stomach.
Oh look, Matthew Perry is back on TV, with a re-boot of The Odd Couple. That’s what we all want because a show that was popular in the 60’s is sure to work in the year 2015. Have Networks completely given up on coming up with new ideas? Sitcoms can’t work anymore; they just can’t. Sitcoms are too contrived. None of the characters seem like real people or talk like real people. The plots are always atrocious. It just can’t work anymore.
Back from commercial and we join the white collars. So wants to take out Carolyn as she and Max discuss. It seems like Carolyn is the target but once again Joaquin and So can’t lie to save their lives as Carolyn confronts them. Tyler tells Carolyn about the plot to get her out.
Max and Tyler converse. They seem to be the most level headed, strategic on the white collars. They weigh the difference between So killing it in the comp with Carolyn being more trustworthy. It looks like my Joaquin pick is safe for at least one week but let’s just say that I’m confident 100 percent that he isn’t going to win Survivor this season.
Tribal Council begins with Jeff asking Joaquin about the bean choice scenario. So and Joaquin immediately get called out.
So compounds the problem by outing or thinking that she is outing her alliance with Max, Tyler, and Joaquin.
Tribal Council is getting heated. Carolyn is acting incredulous that her name could be written down tonight. Luckily, Carolyn has an idol because, although So’s social game is god-awful, she did kill it in the challenge. Not that challenge performance is everything but short term you want the strongest team for competitions early on in the game.
We go to the votes and no idol is played!
So gets voted out! The White collar majority decides trust over physical ability.
I think it’s apparent (to me at least) that Max is the player to beat this season after watching this episode. I think I should be taking out back and shot for picking Joaquin. Obviously, it’s early but Max and Tyler to a lesser extent are the only two players that really stood out to me as being potential heavyweights in this game from a cerebral standpoint. Joe from the No-Collar team looks like he could be force but we didn’t see a lot of non-Vince no-collar camp dynamics so it’s hard to tell still. I think the No-Collars seem like the strongest competition team so it might be awhile till we see them at a Tribal Counsel.
I think the producers did a really good job casting this season. Clearly, there are a lot of polarizing players which always makes for an entertaining season. Just to make it official, I have completely sold all my Joaquin stock and have bought (albeit high) all the remaining Max stock available. The game is afoot, until next week, thanks for reading!